Shame about being Trans

[wild locust]

I don’t know why, but every single time I think about being transgender I end up feeling embarrassed and a lot of shame for it. Sometimes I even get angry at myself for even entertaining those thoughts. I know there isn’t anything wrong with being trans, and that it is perfectly okay to express my trans identity in any way that I want to. But it just feels so wrong to me and I don’t know why?

Is this what internalized transphobia looks like? Do I hate myself that much? I would like some help with this, please? If possible…

[obsidian shale]

Sounds like internalized transphobia to me, other than that, I'm not sure I can help much. Some things take time and exposure to accepting people to truly overcome. Just know you are welcome here

[wide walrus]

hey, wind cursed is right. it really took me time to understand and accept my own identity and it might be the same for you. I promise there's nothing to be embarrassed about for being transgender. you're unique, and that doesn't mean you're weird or you should shame yourself. keep fighting! you've got this!

[wild locust]

Right now I am thinking that I should be a trans woman again, but it feels pointless because it never led me anywhere whenever I do identify as such.

[eager rapids]

I agree with wind cursed as well maybe taking time and exposure will help you big time

[obsidian shale]

It's not pointless if that's what you want. I know it's hard, but accepting yourself will lead to more joy later, even if it takes a while to overcome internalized queerphobias. Whatever you choose to identify as, though, I'll accept you.

It's all what feels right to you, though, and if trans woman doesn't feel right, you could try to search for other identities that might fit better. I really wish you luck when it comes to this. It took me a while to overcome my internalized problems (still working on some of it, too), and it also took me a while to find out exactly what I was, so I know how hard it can be. I wish you the best

[wild locust]

The thing is that I can imagine a life for myself as a woman. I long for it every single day. It is just that I feel like it is impossible because of my numerous health issues on top of the knowledge that no matter how hard I try to be a woman, I keep letting those doubts win.

[obsidian shale]

I see. I... actually really get that. But, here's the thing, once you surround yourself with people who accept you, and see you as who you are no matter what, it makes it easier. People in this server (at least most of them) will accept you as who you are (what you identify as). Doubting can make it really hard, believe me, I get it, but, with time and maybe some effort, those doubts can and will fade. Also, another thing to note is that your body doesn't define your gender. Hard to see, yes, but gender and biological sex (and/or assigned gender at birth) are two separate things. You are what you are, even if your body doesn't always show it

[wild locust]

That is the thing. I'm already surrounded by people who love and support me no matter how I identify as. That is what makes it all the more frustrating, because I got everything that I could ever want for support and yet I end up doing nothing with it. So much so that everyone around me is telling me that it clearly has nothing to do with gender because I SHOULD have been happy once I came out as transgender. That I should have been happy to stay as transgender because clearly everyone else who identified as trans don't switch back to being cisgender. I feel trapped and all alone, and I don't know what to do about it.

[obsidian shale]

That does sound really rough. It is possible whatever mental health issues you're dealing with can make it much harder to just exist as who you are. You can be trans and still hate yourself, for example. Coming out as anything isn't a guaranteed fix to all your problems. That's where we have to put in the work. Finding help, striving to get better, choosing not to stay in self-hatred.

Also, you're not alone. Others have experienced things similar to what you have, even if not the same. I have a friend who identified as transfemme for a while, then went back into the closet. When I came out, I felt so much doubt that I almost re-identified as cis several times over and needed others to help me out of the internalized transphobia and gatekeeping my brain put me through (even though I am and was very trans, I still had doubts).

I really do hope you can find the help you need, though, as it seems like whatever mental health issues you have seem to be the main thing holding you back. Just remember this: you're valid and have worth

[wild locust]

@obsidian shale @wide walrus @eager rapids Hey, I want you all to know that I am now identifying as a trans woman. My name is Raine and my pronouns are She/Her. Thank you!

[wide walrus]

thank you for letting us know :] I like that name!

[wild locust]

Thank you!

[obsidian shale]

Glad we could help, even if it was small! I'm happy for you and I'm glad you're finding yourself! Hope things work out for you, and if you ever want to talk about anything, I'd be willing to listen

[wild locust]

I will keep that in mind. Thanks!