Questioning Identity?

[potent void]

TW
||Hey guys so I know this might now be metal health but idk where else to put it. So to begin, I first had the thought that I might be trans back in late 2021, and I was sure for like 3 ish years, and then I suddenly detransitioned about a year ago after a breakup, and some family issues(my family is transphobic to an extreme). However, now I’m back wondering if it was for me? I don’t know how to figure out whether this is actually me or not, I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s something wrong with me because part of me does want that, but another part of myself wants to not be that and wants to go back to being able to be comfortable being a man. This feeling is in part due to the fact that I know that doing so would cost me more than money, it would cost me most of my family, it would cost me a lot of respect, and I don’t know that my gf would be able to love me the same or not harbour some hidden dissatisfaction or even hatred. I have told her that I’m feeling this way again but that I don’t know what to do about it, and she said that she would love me no matter what and that I’m worth the challenges, but she also cried a lot during it, and I feel that if I did so I would be depriving her of the life that I’ve promised her, to put it simply, with a man.||

And then she sent this text, which I took as being good at first but now that I read it again I’m not so sure

Oh, I would add an image if I could

“Also, for the record, I love you for who you are and that'll never change. And if it's really what you want, I think you'd make a beautiful girl.”

I don’t know

There are signs from earlier in life that this was going to be a thing, but at the same time life as a man isn’t unbearable, and I’m thinking that maybe roughing it out might be the best option

I’ll just hope that after I ||pass on peacefully from natural causes|| that reincarnation will be a g

Part of me also feels disgusting and like a freak for feeling this way

Not that this is a reflection of how I view transgender people, this is just my own thoughts and emotions

My girlfriend has also made other small comments here and there about trans people and I’m not sure that she has the same view that she once did

[magic juniper]

Whats stopping you from just being a man and doing what you want anyways, instead of stressing over labels? You're still you at the end of the day.

[potent void]

Because there’s also part of me that wants to fully transition, regardless of labels, at least I think

I don’t know, but every time I think about what I might look like if I did, my heart flutters, and I do feel ||dysphoria, from having facial hair, from having short hair, from having hair on my arms or legs, and from looking myself in the face in the mirror, and I’ve actually mostly avoided mirrors for the past week or so||

But even above that, I worry that I’m imagining an idealistic fantastical version of what that life is actually like, or that I may suddenly detransition again in the future

[magic juniper]

Yeah, but theres no way to actually know thats how things will turn out. It sounds alot like you are seeking changes to avoid learning how to be comfy with yourself.

[magic juniper]

Exactly. What about doing some self work on just being cozy being you?

[potent void]

Hm, that’s a good point, and I’m going to do some self reflection and work on that

[magic juniper]

Tons of people never learn how to just "exist", so they look for problems and answers that don't exist instead of looking at what is in front of them.

[potent void]

Because at the moment, I’m not sure of who I am, it’s mostly because this happened to me so quickly, a month ago I was doing just that, I was working on being comfortable being me, I was working on my mental health, I was even having less anxiety, heck, I was even thinking about hitting the gym!but then about a week and a half ago, I got my hair cut from long to short and when it was done, I stopped and I picked up my hair, and then I immediately regretted it, and then a few days after that happened, my subconscious mind almost whispered the idea to me and BOOM it was all I could think about for DAYS, and suddenly I’m feeling ||dysphoria|| and suddenly I want to shave and grow my hair out and when I picture what I might look like in the future my mind has started defaulting to myself as a woman

[magic juniper]

Good news, hair grows back. It just sounds like alot of insecurity and associating things like "long hair = must be woman"

Instead of just being a dude that shaves and has long hair because you like it

You're obsessing over fitting a mold instead of just existing as yourself.

[potent void]

You are correct, thank you for your time
I’m going to work on myself
Have a good night or day