#Internalised homophobia sucks

5 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

mellow berry
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Here I am 3rd vent on this channel on less than a week. Wow I’m such a looser. Anyway I came here to vent about my newest issue. Internalised homophobia, I feel I don’t accept myself for who I am. Idk what changed but suddenly I have started to feel different about myself and who I like. Whenever I look at a boy I like I feel this deep feeling or disgust about myself. I’m disgusted by myself for who I am. I try so hard to like girls. I have looked at girls online trying so hard to feel some form of attraction to them but I don’t. It hurts me knowing that I once wished for a wife and kids. But I feel that will never happen. I have come to the realisation that I never really liked my ex’s(yes I have had multiple girlfriends) most relationships were for less than a week. Idk why I dated them. I feel it was to prove to myself that I was straight. That I could be normal like everyone else. I just want to be normal. I hate it so much. Everyone already thinks I’m gay and that already makes me feel like an outcast. And if I ever fully accept who I am and come out,I don’t want to be treated differently. I don’t want to be called girls “gay bestie” I just want to be looked at like everyone else. I don’t want to be judged for who I am. I have cried myself to sleep so many times hoping that I could just be straight. Idk what to do anymore…

raven dune
# mellow berry Here I am 3rd vent on this channel on less than a week. Wow I’m such a looser. A...

I actually really understand you. I also have some intense internalized transphobia and homophobia. When I was in middle school, for example, I would repeat to myself "I am cis, I am straight", because I knew I felt trans and I was a bit confused on my sexuality. When I got older and learned to accept those around me, I finally started on the road to accepting myself.

It wasn't easy, still isn't, but I was able to discover that I'm actually trans nonbinary neutrois and asexual. Both were extremely hard to accept, and I still sometimes doubt them (mostly because of my internalized queerphobia and gatekeeping for myself), but I felt much better and happier after at least trying to accept them, even if it made other things more difficult. It was just nice to finally have words to how I always felt, even if I didn't always want to accept that.

Anyway, I'm not telling you you have to come out yet or anything, I know it's hard, it's still difficult for me, but I want you to know you're not alone. A lot of queer people struggle with different internalized queerphobias, and it sucks. If you need anyone to talk to about this more, I'll be willing to listen

mellow berry
raven dune
# mellow berry I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re doing alright. Thing is tho I hate being c...

I often wish I was cisgender, so I understand. It also took me months to actually come out after realizing I wasn't cis. Coming out can be hard, and after I came out I had a really rough year or two within my family (my parents would say things that were hurtful every once in a while), but that's just the thing, when people really love you, they learn to adjust to better fit your needs. I'm still misgendered in my family because my parents are still trying to understand everything and are cautious telling my siblings about it, but both my parents have stopped saying those hurtful things, and if I ever come out to my siblings, I'm sure they'll also adjust.

My point is, if you tell people what you're feeling and they really care about and love you, they'll learn to adjust.

Also, it's completely alright and valid to come out and then later realize more about yourself and come out again as something else later, and that actually happens to a lot of people.

If you don't feel ready to come out, yet, though, that's okay, too. I just hope it can work out for you if/when you decide to come out

mellow berry