drifting badge
so, for a bit of context: i am amab and 16 (17 at the end of this month) and have always had very, very low self esteem, not only relating to my body image but also but also in almost every aspect of my being due to some stuff in my past. i MIGHT (big uncertainty there) be autistic but my therapist is very weird about helping me diagnose it because “it’s a small thing” but it really isn’t. i’ve always had huge social anxiety and anxiety in general and have gone on anti depressants in 2024-2025. i went through some really rough stuff as a kid which led to my relationship with my mom being really rough (abuse towards family members was involved) even though she basically raised me alone until she and my dad divorced. i still live half the time with her.
i have always felt that there was something wrong with me, as a kid i barely even knew if i was a girl or a boy and asked about it to my parents even though the answer was always the same: i am a boy.
but a few months ago, i really started thinking about it and it felt so overwhelming that i just told a couple people and pushed it off, but things weren’t really the same after. now, when i look at the mirror, i daydream about what it would be like if i was a girl, if i finally would feel like myself. some of my friends call me a femboy (which, to be fair is really funny) but i deny it, even knowing that might have some truth to it.
when i scroll on tiktok and see trans women, i feel so jealous (which is a feeling i truly despise) and sad that i won’t ever get to have that.
but at the same time, i’m scared. scared that i’ll regret it. scared that it’ll only worsen my life and mental health, scared that i don’t actually want to be trans and that it’s just a phase (which isn’t a foreign concept for me), and even a little bit of subconscious fear that people will reject me since i live in a bigoted country.
i don’t know what to do, i just want to feel like myself and figure this all out
solar jewel