I'm so fucking tired, man. (TW: SH, Suicidal Ideation, Gender/body Dysphoria)

[tight lily]

I started shing two days ago. I know the dangers of it. I know that it's bad. The weird thing is I'm not breaking the skin, I'm just pressing the knife into my skin. I guess that's how it starts? I dunno. All I know is that I need help but I don't know how to get it. And I am suicidal, I have those thoughts, but I wouldn't do it with my knife. And the hard part is I can't sleep without said knife beside me because I live in a border state in America and I had a neighbor that got killed by an illegal immigrant. Yay for anxiety! I'm an enby, but I'm only 15 and my family is highly homo and transphobic, so I hate my body most of the time. My friends are cishet and don't understand. I should be checked into a mental hospital, but I'm scared to do it. I also have suspected POTS, so that's fun. This isn't even the first time I've been in this mental state. I'm so fucking tired, man.

[warped bear]

Hope you’re doing a bit better. Try and stop while you still can, before every single time something causes you stress or confusion a voice in your repeatedly says “I need to cut” again and again, because that’s what happens to me :/ It’s not fun, I know it’s fucked me up.
Maybe look into the mental hospitals in your area and see which ones have the best treatment of queer teens. I’ve never been to a mental hospital, but maybe and check if the hospital will actually help you before you get yourself admitted. I mean as long as the mental hospital has a good record of treating patients good, best to do it. You get access to a therapist and stuff, and you’ll be away from the things causing you stress. Hope this was helpful, sorry if it wasn’t. Again, I hope you’re doing a bit better now ❤️

[tight lily]

Thanks, I am. A bit, anyways. Turns out I do have a form of POTS that's worse called dysautonomia, and that's contributing to my terrible mental health. I'm getting treated now, so.