my entire life ive been surprising my anger and turning it inward, so that frustration or hate was always expressed by self harm and i internalized my mothers emotional outbursts to the point that i felt guilty for making her feel hurt and took it out on myself.
now i am older an i realized what bullcrap that is, but sometimes a slammed door still makes me want to punch a wall. and i hate that reaction of my mind even thought i know now it is not my fault she never went to therapy.
also a few days ago i asked her about my sisters condition (she's double my age and was in the mental hospital for sh, idk if also for suicide, around my birth) and my mother basically said in her mind the only reason for having borderline (BPD) is cutting yourself and I was so shocked it made me so angry as well, like all of her children, her husband (now ex) and herself are mentally ill in some way, it just runs in the fam, but she never bothered to educate herself more and than asks me why i never tell her about shit, about my bad mental health and instead want to leave her behind (aka move out)
it is not my responsibility to educate her, but i am just the unfortunate fool who is stuck living with her and has to just ignore her or smt otherwise she makes me so unreasonable angry.
she is my mother, but all i feel is cold distance. I always compare my family to the Concept of if I would be friends with them if they weren't my family on my own terms, and for most of my family besides my half-brother and maybe sisters wife I would say: no.
we aren't compatible and my mother just refuses to learn
however recently ive been experiencing deep anger, even rage to the point of self destructive behaviour, like sh and similar, because i dont know how to handle such emotions, how to handle hatred and rage i have never had to deal with before and i still sometimes feel guilty for all the times i couldn't in the past and just blew up on my mom
#anger issues
wide rune
weak ibex
Have you thought of talking to a therapist or friend you can trust? Maybe telling your mother to get therapy can solve her problems and yours too?
wide rune
Have you thought of talking to a therapist or friend you can trust? Maybe tellin...
Ive bewn to therapy for four years now, clinics and all, ive started losing hope, also talking to a friend xan only ever be vent ish and not change my moms mind. In her mind things are okay, or even going great, like push everything under the rug kinda great and it cost her her last marige, honestly i just wanna move out as soon as possible even if that means going to a long term clinic thatll get me a job as well cause i know my mom and how reluctant she is to change, and even when i talk to her, how little it does change anything. This is something fundemntally wrong, shes fucked up and im fucked up