losing myself..?

[tender pine]

I don't feel any different from when I was at my worst, yet I do. I don't feel I have a purpose anymore, and I can't stand myself. I feel I have only one reason to live, and I feel him slipping away, yet I still have a tight grasp. I'm scared for what would happen if he did. I would have no reason to keep going.

My family isn't a reason, due to them causing most of the trauma an clinginess I have today.

I'm scared to love, yet once I fall, I fall hard. I become clingy and constantly scared to lose who I'm with, whether it's due to my self-hatred or my mental health. But he's everything I ever dreamed of and I'm scared. I lost my best friend because of him "changing me" though I changed myself because I was tired of being how they wanted me to be.

I shed tears and blood because of that friend, but they basically hated me. Every. Single. Day. That we were "friends". They called me a fake friend, then proceeded to put my favorite YouTuber and my partner down by saying that they "didn't matter" and that I didn't like the YouTuber and I was just using my partner.

My mental health is declining rapidly and I don't know what to do. But if it is too late for it to go back up, farewells. Just know I tried.

[calm dawn]

hmm, what do you mean "im scared for what would happen if he did?"

unless you meant, this is a relationship that is quite getting slippery in the edge now.

let me tell you one thing, never change who you are just for someone, sure you can change your lifestyle and stuffs if its reasonable to the point you really had to due to its destruptive.

although if you really did changed yourself since your tired of pretending due to the expectations? then good job, be yourself and stick with that.

heres the thing, im picky to any acquaintances that i meet, i dont casually call them a friend why? well first of all whats a friend? isnt it someone who you can play and hang out with? share interests and probelms? laugh and cry or help one another? i always think of this before i consider someone as my friend.

so try and question yourself, whats a friend to you? whats a friend should be or do?

or why do you even need a friend? and etc.

now as you said "they basically hated me every single day" now ask yourself is that a friend should say?

a friend is like a relationship but its more casual than intimate.

or to fix my wording "a friendship"

if you care about your partner in your relationship then its almost like the similar with friendship, you guys wont be friends if you dont care or like one another, thats simply like being at school and being forced to communicate with random people you wont even see next school year.

and thats called a acquaintance.

acquaintance and friend are very different but closely similar.

heres a example:

you met someone at the class and you had fun talking to them and you'll probably interact with that individual for the rest of the school year, although you barely know anything about the individual nor care much in a deep way, but you guys still interact and stuffs, your in a state of neutrality between the individual so your nothing but a acquaintance.

you met someone and its been quite a while now, you both share interests and tastes on music or books, helping one another out when problems comes by and ready to listen and understand one another, your in a state where you can consider the individual as a friend. since your close enough and you can trust one another enough.

both have boundaries but both has similarities and differences still, but thats the simple way to think of it.

all i can suggest right now, avoid that so called friend of yours, a friend shouldnt be hurting you in any kind of way. thats not how friendship works, calling you a fake friend at the same time feels like a sign for guilt trip can be used for manipulation in a way.

if you love your partner, go and have a healthy communication, after all thats the first step to earn one another's trust and etc. keep communicating and communicating.

and being clingy and constantly being scared to lose your partner is not wrong nor rare either, thats normal thats what make us humans. just calm down and try not to overthink much, if your partner doesnt mind your behavior about it then dont think much about it, dont be scared to lose him if you love him? then focus on trying to make the relationship stable and healthy instead of the negative outcomes.