#Iris's Hell Hole

73 messages Ā· Page 1 of 1 (latest)

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FINALLY DISCORSD, ONLY TOOK YOU 48 HOURS TO POST THIS

barren heart
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I am slowly remembering what I was supposed to say here

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nooo ima sound mentally ill or liek im trolling

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:<

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oh wait I am mentally ill why do I care

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im hated

hearty remnant
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Me too but it k its kinda hard not to be in this stupid worldšŸ’”

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But we have this swag server full of awesome dudes, gals, peoples, and everything else

hearty remnant
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Mb for rambling šŸ˜…

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But ima ramble about some of my internal ways of coping that Iā€™ve developed over my life

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so uh,

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I have 2 named categories

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I have uh
ā€œPhysicalsā€ which are personas I can snap into any time I want

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I have 3 of those, with accents, writing styles, I also learned to write with my left hand so I could have one of them do that

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Each one also has a different reaction style

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ā€œInternalsā€ which are voices I make, have full control of
Just my internal dialog

Normally I run 8 of these at once
They are great for entertainment or self talk

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Now technically my first persona isā€¦ this one, originally named Rose

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and my first internal voice would be my own

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But those arenā€™t the absolute first things Iā€™ve had in my head or persona

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My parents did a lot of fighting and throwing things and punching each other so Iā€™d cry basically daily

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When I was 7 uhhh I donā€™t remember the origin of ā€œhimā€ or even his name but I do remember he existed

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As the first actual voice I spoke to, he told me right vs wrong, when and where I should do things

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I didnā€™t necessarily control the dialog, it was kinda just made on its own

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An issue I have with my current internals is each one takes a bit of my cognitive power

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having 8 voices at once is kinda stressful to do

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but this person didnā€™t seem to take any of that power at all which made him different from the rest
Because unlike the ones I have now, I didnā€™t control his dialog and I didnā€™t know what he was exactly thinking

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But he was a good guide and got me out of a lot of trouble

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normally if he said to do something I didnā€™t question it
But ofc over time when I was like 10, 3 years later I started to question

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Around the same time I started to question, that same voice started to disappear for some reason

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Then uhh I guess as a replacement I just made my own from there on

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Itā€™s a good way to vent to myself and keep things inside of me

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Since, thatā€™s what he always told me to do.

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I still do that,

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8 years later.

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however

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just because I have people I can talk with doesnā€™t mean they always help

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sometimes by that I mean 99% of these time, the dialog is negative or deprecated language

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Maybe if I didnā€™t question him he would still exist

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But if I didnā€™t question him would I ever have learned how to make dialog on my own?

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At the most, one of the greatest things I remember is him saying ā€œI wonā€™t be here forever as you grow olderā€

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And that was when I was 9

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My first persona that wasnā€™t actually me was far, far before this

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around the age of 5 I started to have different personalities entirely from my family and friends

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I was much more feminine to my friends and more masculine to my family, the way I spoke and acted and my preferences were different

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That is why my want to be ciswoman dates all the way back to age 5

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I also donā€™t know the origin probably because I forgot the reason over time, but I made a couple more I no longer use

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Currently Iā€™m basically merging both main physicals into one person ā€œIrisā€ which is me

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So via internal dialog and personas is how I survive šŸ”„

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I make dialog to tell me what to do when Iā€™m confused and personas to try and make better versions (of myself) šŸ”„

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of course, coping doesnā€™t always work, and Iā€™ve had times whereā€¦ it didnā€™t. And I became extremely hostile and life-risking to myself.

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Most notable is probably my reaction to anything my father does

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Which during my years of 11 to 14, probably my worse years
I tended to fight in a more physical sense

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Where, instead of bottling, I would burn the anger as gasoline and use it to power my want for blood spill

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Also interestingly enough, I didnā€™t learn about LGBTā€™s existence until pride month became a thing

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Yet I had a want to be a gender I wasnā€™t since the age of 5
So I clearly knew something I donā€™t know now

brazen pagoda
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by a few I mean about 33

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The W L ratio is about 75:25

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At this point in time, I am gaining the ability to predict when Iā€™m about to become pissed off by inspecting what the dialog is

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Uhh if there is less internal voices, itā€™s getting worse
If there are more, itā€™s probably getting better

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And if there are 0, thereā€™s a problem

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I also found a way to not cry at all and itā€™s been working for about 3 years so far!

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Literally the solution is to not breathe

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Works great every time
Yet I donā€™t have a solution for anger yet

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Some of the ways Iā€™ve developed to survive are ā€¦

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By not surviving

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ā€œIf the fire has no host to burn, there is no fireā€ is the basic idea

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Did this work?
No

But it was a good attempt ig

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I then later switched to listening to music to control the mood Iā€™m currently in, which has worked, but the effect music has on me is slowly starting to fade off and itā€™s a noticeable amount now

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My next solution is to abuse the internal dialog to tell when I am getting worse or better
Then uhh find a way to forcefully remove myself from the situation without possible return

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It went from controlling it directly to trying to figure out when itā€™s going to happen then canceling it which seems like progress!