To all who want to commit suicide

[warm dirge]

If you read this you are probably suicidal. Well I must tell you a story. I tried lulling myself the first time when I was 14 years old 18th January I remember it clearly. I since then battled depression. I’m now 13 years older I can’t believe I made it. I’m not cured but I’m alive. If I can do it so can you. Be strong, seek help and don’t make the same mistakes as I did. I’m always open for conversation if you have psychological problems. I will talk with you I will explain what I did and I want to give all of you out there hope. Don’t try it there is so much to live for. Please have hope. Dm me if you need to, please ask in this thread first.

[lean plume]

I'm trying but fighting with this thoughts and my whole family at the same time without any support not going well i can't even try to seek help i don't wanna die but i don't wanna live

[warm dirge]

Do you want to talk about it in dm?

[serene bay]

Look.. ima paste this from what I said:

Hey... I have tried to OD on PROZAC before, it didn't work out. I got help. Please don't hang yourself. Shit happens. Life is so fucking weird, lemme tell you.

It's like getting kicked in the crotch 20 times then being rewarded with just awesome things. You'd be like damn that was worth it.

But I am not gonna say there is hope, because you'd be like "No shit? Where's it at?" But lemme put this in perspective...

You are gonna fail... 10% chance that actually happens and you succeed. You WILL fail. Not worth the try.

You are gonna be put in a mental hospital. And be put with so many fucking weirdos and crazy people that are more crazy than you are. You are gonna be guilt tripped by family, you are gonna be hurt by many friends and family because they are just constantly nagging in your ear.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. You need the ugly truth instead of the pretty lies. I am here for you. Just talk to me

[warm dirge]

Looks like your mental hospital stay wasn’t good? It incredibly depends in which hospital you get assigned to. I had positive experiences with my many stays. Maybe it’s the Country in Switzerland there are many good hospital.

[serene bay]

USA sucks with mental hospitals. they don't care about us

[warm dirge]

Well I’m sorry to hear that I can only talk about my experiences

[serene bay]

oh ok. my bad

[warm dirge]

Im Swiss so I have a good image of mental hospitals

But it’s true it depends on the country and hospital

[solar ginkgo]

it truly depends on it. where I am it's a gamble if the hospital is the right one for you or not.

[limpid vapor]

This is the first safe haven I've found with kind people that care about other people's mental health

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and self harm for a couple years now and it's really getting to me. I've tried so many times to end it

Please I need some advice to stop thoughts from advancing and me trying to end it all again

[finite pecan]

Honestly the best advice I can give is to teach yourself to want to live again. That kind of thing can be hard to do when you’re stuck with abusers but you can do small things to make it bearable.

What worked for me was that I invented a game for myself. I would write a list of the different reasons why I should stay for another day. (Birthdays, hangouts, movies I hadn’t seen yet that were coming out in theaters, trying a new drink at the coffee shop I like, tasting a kind of food I haven’t had yet, going somewhere new, ect)

I would write out to do lists of anything I could think of. And a wish list of different things I wanted to get for myself.

It helped keep me alive. It gave me something to look forward too. It didn’t erase the darkness inside but it was at least a mental reason I could tell myself to stay.

[warm dirge]

What I learned in the hospital is writing down when are they strong when are the weak and when are they not there. Or going outside doing walks in the forest that what I do now. Nature helped me see that there is so much beautiful to live for. Travelling also another thing I did it is expensive and I only did it one or two times because of mental health problems but it gave me a new Perspektive.

[limpid vapor]

Thanks for the help :3
I’ve just been struggling like a lot recently and it’s really doing my head in at the moment

[warm dirge]

Try some of those things. Keep you busy, learn new skills maybe drawing, maybe writing a book, maybe learning something new. Everything that shows you that life is living worth.

[limpid vapor]

The only thing I could really do from your first message would be to write when the thoughts are there and all that. Being 14 and living on a farm I can't do much around here

[warm dirge]

Yeah it depends where you live but I’m certain you will find something. If you live on a farm animals always help there was dog therapy in the mental hospital and we personally have 2 cats which we love. A dog is also a kind of duty it keeps you busy and he doesn’t judge like humans do.

[limpid vapor]

Yeah I’m on a crop farm so no animals here
But I do try to distract myself
The only things keeping me going at the moment is my boufriend and 3 friends

[warm dirge]

That’s good friends are always an important part of mental health

[limpid vapor]

Yeah

[warm dirge]

Music is another option i Play the piano so if you play an instrument it gives you fun.

[limpid vapor]

I don't and my mother won't pay for it 😔

[warm dirge]

Ah well everybody finds his thing he loves to do

[limpid vapor]

Yeah I do draw from time to time so that's something ig
Though I'm slowly losing interest

[solar ginkgo]

what helped myself during my episodes was psychoeducation to learn and understand what I'm dealing with. and then lots and lots of selfcare and patience. I had to learn how to be nice to myself again and not to beat myself up for everything that went wrong. to change my way of thinking little by little from dark to not-so-dark-anymore to grey. not gaslighting myself into overall positivity rather than to see what depression wants you to see and how it really is.

as for low effort activities and hobbies, I started with picking three things every day which were good. watching a pretty sunset, meeting friends, maybe doing something I didn't for a long time.
I teached myself knitting and crocheting with youtube tutorials. also dancing and reading music notes. reading about some work related thematics. trying out a new music genre and singing (though I can't really don't know how to, just for myself).
and what helped a ton (still does) is meditating and maintaining a good sleep hygiene. 30 mins before sleep no mobile phone, no other stuff, dim light and maybe some boring book.

[limpid vapor]

Just saw this
This server is the first lot of people that has been this nice, plus y'all are better then my therapist are at this
Thank y'all for the help

[solar ginkgo]

I'm glad to help :)

[limpid vapor]

:3

[solar ginkgo]

I just saw your other post. Please don't ever give up and try to keep your head above the water, okay? life will get better eventually and even if it doesn't seem like it, it's a gift you shouldn't give away.

also, your therapist sucks.

[limpid vapor]

Yeah she does suck it’s hard cuz I was told she could help me
I do try not to give up. I have a promise with my boyfriend that I’m trying not to break but I’ve broken it once. I made a promise that I wouldn’t self harm or try to kill myself

[solar ginkgo]

I don't know how it works where you are, but is it possible for you to look for another therapist?
I know it's hard and I can only assume what you are going through right now.
when it started to get worse for me it helped to take a few steps back and take care of myself. many people with menthal health problems and illnesses tend to overcompensate by trying to be always there for others and start to spiral down for different reasons. sometimes because they can't help, maybe because they feel helpless, beat themselves up for something they are not responsible for but feel as if they 'need' or 'have' to be there for others like some sort of psycho dumpster to be something worth. to see any meaning in their existence.

and that's not true. it's what the illness and the depression want you to believe. they get fed by it.

[limpid vapor]

I sadly can't get another therapist
I have been through many different therapists and my mother has said that she's not going to change it again and I'll just have to deal with it

[solar ginkgo]

parents can be a pain in the butt sometimes. do you have to wait very long until you're of age and can look out for another therapist yourself?

[limpid vapor]

How old do I have to be?
I'm currently 14 now

[solar ginkgo]

depends on where you live, here where I am you're of age when you turn 18 but in medical thematics (not surgeries and stuff) you can go to doctors of your own choice when you're 16. in some countries you are adult when you turn 21

[limpid vapor]

Lemme search it up rq

[limpid vapor]

I need to be 16 or older so that means 2 years

[solar ginkgo]

ok, at least some silver lining for that.
did you get any diagnoses so far? you don't need to say which one if yes

[limpid vapor]

No. But they say I most likely have a few disorders such as depression

[solar ginkgo]

ok. disorders and depression are nothing to be ashamed of, please remember that. you're not alone in this and it doesn't make you any less worth than any other one on this planet

[limpid vapor]

I'm glad I know some people care
Nearly everyone I know doesn't care, or says I'm faking all of this stuff

[solar ginkgo]

because they can't see it. menthal health issues are something you can't see if there are no clear signs on your body, not like with some broken bones (not trying to make it sound harmless what they do, it still is a-hole behavior)

[limpid vapor]

Yeah I get that. I do try to ignore it but it does get to my head sometimes, causing me to do things I shouldn't suck as drinking even if I am 14
+I have a few other things causing stress and anxiety such as trying to manage a server that isn't even mine, or trying to cope with the loss of a family member
Everything is really just doing my head in at the moment and it's really getting to me quite a bit

[solar ginkgo]

ouch, I'm very sorry. losing someone you knew or were close is never easy...
don't beat yourself up please. you're doing great for trying to stay on top. :)

[limpid vapor]

Yeah.. I lost my father a week ago, my grandparents are trying act as the legal next of kin even though my is as my dad is on her birth certificate and so they're trying to get everything of my dad's. It's just pmo so much and it's just annoying. Im really trying here but it's slowly becoming too much
Yeah I hated the guy cuz he was so favouring my sister, we never really had any good memories together, but it still hurts to see him gone

[solar ginkgo]

still, he was your father. someone you knew all your life, good memories or not. to have such a person gone in an instant is a huge impact.
I keep my fingers crossed that everything will work out for you. you are strong, you can do this :)

[limpid vapor]

Yeah. I hope so, I'm trying here but sometimes I can't resist the urge to harm myself because of it. I can't bring myself to tell my boyfriend about the promise being broken again, I'm surprised my mother hasn't taken all sharp objects away from me cuz she's seen me cut myself. I'm still trusted with a gun and my mother is going to get me to go for my gun licence soon too.
I don't understand how I'm trusted like this still

Sorry if I'm saying so much
This is also more than most people know about me, including my boyfriend

[solar ginkgo]

it's okay, you don't know me and I don't know you too. sometimes it's easier to tell things if it's like this and if it's helpful to get things out of your head and off your plate then why not?

yeah, it's not easy to resist, but I guess your mom has faith in you that you won't do it.

do you have any 'skills' you can use to stop yourself from sh?

[limpid vapor]

She's seen me do it several times, I've almost shot myself on purpose once, I don't get why I'm so trusted still

[limpid vapor]

Not that I can think of, all I can't really do is talk to my friends, I hardly like drawing anymore which I used to do all the time

[solar ginkgo]

sometimes there's more harm done in trying to prevent you from doing it by keeping everything out of reach. I've seen that happen often enough

[solar ginkgo]

I can make a list with things for you to try out if you want, most of them are low cost things

[limpid vapor]

Sure, that might help
I rarely have the motivation to do anymore more than being on almost 24/7 calls with friends and my boyfriend

[solar ginkgo]

yeah, I know that feeling pretty well. it's hard to do anything more than to just exist sometimes in that stages.

[limpid vapor]

Yeah. I hate it
Sometimes I don't even get out of bed or eat
It really just hurts to be like this, but I can't help it. I haven't even eaten in I think 3 days maybe

[solar ginkgo]

mhhh. yeah, that's shit.

give me a sec, I'll need to translate a few things. somethings my english is not the best

[limpid vapor]

Alr that's fine :3

[solar ginkgo]

for critial situations you can use various things to stop and break out of that train of thought. you set a strong stimulation and you try to focus on only that.

chili, mint oil, pepper, a strong bubble gum for example. a cold shower, a rubber band. or you use fidget toys, some of them are pretty hard

the spiky rings can hurt if you press them hard enough, but they won't injure you

[limpid vapor]

Alr I might be able to try some of them. But I think the only ones I could do are the cold showers and rubber bands. But I don't think it would be good to do a cold shower considering I can't hold my body temperature well

[limpid vapor]

I do have one of those compass thingys that you use to make perfect circles that I could use

[solar ginkgo]

then maybe coolpacs are an alternative for you

[solar ginkgo]

wouldn't recommend that

[limpid vapor]

Alr. That's all I really have besides scissors

[solar ginkgo]

what else you can try if your emotions are getting too strong - punch your pillow. cry, scream, whatever floats your boat. if you have a rubber ball or something similar throw it against a blank wall with everything you've got

[limpid vapor]

Alr I can try some of those, cuz I normally stab myself gently with the compass from time to time while I'm in class, not enough to cause blood, and not above any veins or anything

[solar ginkgo]

that's okay. wouldn't put that to sh, the fidget toys do nothing else

[limpid vapor]

Alr

Well I should probably go before I get yelled :c
Cya