#On The Merit of "Attraction"

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sly nymph
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Hello! This one bounces around my head often but requires some context. About a year ago a philosophy professor of mine asked the class for some advice. We'll call him Dr. H. He had this female friend who wanted to date him. She was a single mother with two children that both quite liked Dr. H and their father was a deadbeat no-show. Dr. H is very devoted to doing what is right and felt called to help this woman raise these kids, as he knew he could do right by them. Just one problem was holding him up however: the mother. He described her as beautiful, smart, kind, funny, they got a long great, everything anyone would want. Despite this he said "if you asked me, in a strict sense, whether or not I'm 'attracted' to her, I'd have to say no." He asked the class whether or not he should date this woman, and essentially everyone said no, because he was not attracted to her, to which I raised the following questions:
"If attraction isn't based on beauty, or how kind, smart and funny she is, and is not even about how well you get along, what on earth is it? Is it an undefinable unknown factor? If so, is it respectable enough to be making such important decisions on its basis?"
So what are your thoughts? Is attraction definable? Is it a valuable consideration? Is it or is it not based on characteristics like the ones mentioned above?
Does it matter?

brisk igloo
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I think ultimately it does matter, because if you aren't attracted to them, you likely aren't going to want to spend your life with them.

As for what it is, it is likely a combination of subjective factors ranging from personality to appearance. Everything about the person goes into determining your attraction to them (which attraction doesn't necessarily have to be sexual/romantic attraction). A lot of us are attracted to our friends because their personalities which causes us to enjoy time spent together.

regal burrow
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I think attraction is very important, if only because if you don't have it with your partner then it becomes a big problem if you find it elsewhere. And that's not necessarily in your control.

It probably is definable, but it's one of the few things I choose not to analyse in detail because I think that would take some of the enjoyment out of it. I don't want to be thinking too much about the rational reasons I'm attracted to someone, I just want to feel it. Just like if you analyse films too much you stop enjoying them because you see all the flaws and behind the scenes actions.

teal gyro
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I fail to understand. If she had "everything anyone would want", why would he not be "attracted" to her? Did he separate himself from "anyone" and therefore what she has to offer isn't what he wants?

Attraction is definable if you ask me. It's definition would go around the lines of : when someone or something feels naturally pulled towards someone or something.

Now how do you measure it is where it gets complicated and subjective.

Is it a valuable consideration? Ofc it is. It is essential. If you feel forced to stay with someone, this isn't love. You need to really want to be with that someone to consider it love.

As I said, the characteristics are based on what you want.

I would say that I consider the person I love, as just that, a person I love. The one for me is simply my true best friend. The difference being that I'm addicted to them. I feel like the world is just better and more worth living when I'm by their side and I want to make their life as good as I can.

gilded root
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Modern western culture seems to hold strongly that attraction is a prerequisite for a relationship. Both adults must have the agency to commit to a relationship, and without attraction, why would one commit?

Arranged marriage throughout history has left countless examples of bad and even abusive relationships. Surely, however, there must be some success stories. Are successful arranged marriages only cases where both partners became attracted to each other? Is there any other possible reason they could be successful?

flint bone
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I have personal experience in a marriage that isn't working because physical attraction... could also be called loneliness or lust was all we had.

i think some people can get married pragmatically and make it work.

i think some people can get married on attraction alone and make everything else work it out. but attraction alone isn't enough if you cant find a common life goal. and for me a pragmatic marriage alone wouldnt work as i am a very sexual creature

(as seen in how i hit on pete and kylted in stream... i could probably marry Pete)

i see it like any other project in life. no matter what you have to work on some part of it. and if one of the partnership is not willing to work on parts of it then it falls apart. as is happening in my marriage.

leaden oasis
flint bone
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Because I thought I could work and make it better and it would be acceptable.

I have wanted nothing more than a family and a home and love. But no amount of want from one side makes that happen. And years of lies and deception and manipulation have worn me down that I stayed way longer than I should have.

leaden oasis
flint bone
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Decisions are easier than execution most of the time. There’s no easy way.

So to summarize. Attraction alone or practicality alone neither isolated has the merit to withstand the tests of how difficult life can be on a day to day.

copper spruce
# sly nymph Hello! This one bounces around my head often but requires some context. About a ...

I think the scenario is pretty hilarious, because I'm in a very similar one. I'm the single one with two kids, and there is someone with all the qualities I rationally consider important and good, she's great with my kids, and has shown signs of interest in me. But I just don't feel the attraction I felt for other people in my life, either high school crushes or ex partners.

My solution is this: I don't make a decision and hang out with her with an Open mind, maybe it just takes a while for a spark to ignite, or maybe my rational conclusion is just a different form of what "attraction" can be, or any other unknown reason. Just go with the flow, the worst thing that can happen is being best friends 🙏

simple nexus
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The physical aspect of attraction can be necessary to start a conversation between 2 people, however, the deeper more intimate aspects of attraction, are very subjective. "Beauty" is in the eye of the beholder.

The woman i love lost a lot of her "physical" beauty, and it makes absolutely zero difference in my level of attraction to her, because i know who she is as a person.

Her personality is the source of my attraction, though in the beginning, her physical appearance is what attracted me to her in the first place.

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I believe if youre someone that gets hung up on the physical aspect of a relationship, then my conclusion is that your attraction is based in lust rather than love.

Lust has everything to do with the physical, while love has everything to do with the connection between 2 people.