tuff

[fleet sedge]

lll think so much more
then bury it inside of
what i wish we had

i understood driving brought us closer
what a way to grieve now
that we don’t speak anymore

glistening words from you
hit like the wind
from the window of our car

teach me how to drive again
just one more lesson from my dad

so much of me faded
faster than the song that was playing
why did it end so quick?

you dissolved and so i watched
wondering what it was i did wrong
it was so bittersweet i
couldn’t help but watch

i find myself with you again
my hand on the steering wheel
blowing on the dandelions of your presence
just hoping you stay longer

[unique rivet]

hmmmm

lemme thik

think*

oh i know

The line "just one more lesson from my dad" is the emotional anchor of the entire poem. Right now, it’s tucked into the middle of the piece. You want to make sure the lines around it give it room to breathe so the reader really feels the weight of it.

i have more to tell but i'm still in school hehe

[torn stream]

I really like the Car imagery, but I think you could push it further. I think a lot of the lines tell rather than show and maybe some of those you could replace with more concrete examples to kind of balance it out? Maybe mention some specifics of the car, maybe mention some more specific moments, specific lessons, specific places you drove together. The specificity is what makes it a poem only You can write as opposed to a poem anyone could write. You already have some of that, and I think that if you pushed it a bit further this poem would hit a lot harder! <3

[fleet sedge]

hehehe thank u i appreciate it

[native sparrow]

i liked it on first glance, advice is to string the metaphors together so it makes the poem more cohesive, play around with the wind motif it was cool, “faded” kindd of brings that back, basically try and connect the stanzas a bit more so it sounds less reflective essay and more poem-y, idk if that makes sense but nice poem

[fleet sedge]

Thankuu