indigo holly
I want to feel
not filtered
not slowed
I want it stabbed through me
fast
too fast
before I can react
this quiet
this quiet
it sits wrong in my mouth
they call it maturity
like it means anything
Like I’m supposed to be proud of it
like it isn’t holding everything in
until it starts clawing
it claws
it builds
it stacks
no space
no air
no release
I WAS MADE TO FEEL
not to hold it
not to shape it
So stop touching it
stop fixing it
stop closing it
Dint name it something better
I DONT WANT IT BETTER
LET ME HURT
Dont control it
Don’t explain it
Don’t turn it into a neat document
stop touching it
stop fixing it
LET ME FEEL IT
all at once
too much at once
so much it spills
so much it won’t stay inside
I want the weight of it
To push my skull in till my eyes pop
I want love that doesn’t wait
that doesn’t slow down
that hits and keeps hitting
I run into it
I see it break
I keep going
I keep going
because nothing
nothing
Is worse
than nothing
stop touching it
stop fixing it
LET
ME
BE
not fixed
Or shaped
Don’t hold me together
I WANT the mess
I WANT the spill
I WANT MISERY
stop touching it
stop fixing it
no ending
no clean edge
something that stays open
something that doesn’t settle
something that keeps moving
I want to feel it
while it’s happening
after it’s done
when it comes back
again
And again
And again
stop touching it
stop fixing it
Stop making me better
limpid river