#My, My, Virgin Mary

29 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

deep ruin
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I see, i think it has identity in itself. I like the theme being growing out of the person you used to be, it's pretty nice in my book

ornate pine
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The 3rd stanza is the only part that needs tweaking

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Specifically the first two lines of the third stanza

lime lake
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I do feel like those lines read with enjambement despite the comma being there

ornate pine
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The rhymes are really good though

lime lake
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I was thinking about dropping the fourth stanza and using a new concept to connect to the end.

ornate pine
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Perhaps write it like this

I still had my effete voice -
Miss worth has said with such joy

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For I still had my self belief,
And the smugness of a young boy.

crude dust
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How about "Miss worth´s said with such joy"?

lime lake
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I think my reservations about both suggestions are the rewording of the second line in the stanza changes the point, and the third removes the -I still starts,

crude dust
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Or maybe leave out the "such" so the syllables match

lime lake
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I really appreciate your thoughts and really don't want to keep disagreeing, I just think the such is a really important word. not only because it matches the uh sound in young, the other rhyming line, but also because saying something has joy vs such joy feels less alive.

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I definitely will be including the dash

ornate pine
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Even just switch the Said and Had around will help with the flow

crude dust
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Omg I´m sorry, I misread. Agree with you

lime lake
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no no no, don't apologise I really appreciate just thinking about my word choice

ornate pine
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Mrs worth Had said with much joy
Vs
Mrs worth said had with much joy

In my opinion the first makes more sense

crude dust
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How about you use "full of joy"?

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Then it´d be quicker to read but no double

ornate pine
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Mrs worth said full of joy

lime lake
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Ohhhhh I understand. The line above isn't a quote. It's self reflection, the Mrs Worth line is a memory, i.e Mrs worth said of my voice that it 'had such joy', so its not a description of how Mrs Worth is speaking.

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If that makes sense.

crude dust
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That´s what I meant I misunderstood too at first

ornate pine
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Perhaps put "" around had such joy

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Or put it in italics

crude dust
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"such joy"

ornate pine
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I'm also unsure if after Voice there should be a comma ? Or add the word that ?

lime lake
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I've edited it. Thank you, the fact both of you read it that way is really helpful feedback.

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I changed it to a fullstop.