silver socket
i really like this piece, a nice reflection on betrayal in relationships. you’ve got a good grasp on vocabulary, but i think some of those “stronger” words you use are fighting against the structure you’re going for.
a few things i noticed:
some of the modifiers like "rottingly swell," "very cruel curse," and "forbearingly forsook" actually weigh down the impact of your verbs a bit. letting strong words like "forsook" or "curse" stand on their own would make it hit way harder.
you also put a lot of emphasis on alliteration (like "benevolent bard"), but it makes some lines feel a bit "bulky" and hard to swallow. it’s a great tool, but it can distract from the actual emotion you’re trying to convey.
you tend to accentuate certain “oldie” words, but the rest of the sentence structure feels a bit modern. it creates contrast where the words don't have the structural foundation to support them, making the flow feel a little choppy.
i think if you trimmed back the adverbs and drew more emphasis to the nouns and verbs, it would really strengthen your message.
also in the first stanza, you could trim a lot of redundant words for the sake of flow. ie:
“as he kept gazing with the radiance of his sight”
“as he gazed with his radiant sight” /
“he still remained inept in eyeing a devious deceit”
“he remained inept in eyeing deceit”
or you could tie this back to the sight statement
“he remained blind to blatant deceit”
(keeps the alliteration you prefer)
overall though, i think this piece would go really hard with some small changes just to really let the emotional core shine, and drive the attention less towards the wordplay :)
lost kindle