lyric glen
When I was 4
I woke up in the rain and told my parents I was wet from the shower
My aunt kept making me do it
That time that I went to bed screaming, not because I hit my head
Not because I was unconscious
Not because I was sleeping or dreaming
In fact, I wished I was in a nightmare
Maybe then, with my imagination powers, I could make the fight fair
I was awake when it went black, gag stuck in
And I woke up in the rain, unsure whether the wet warmth of my cheeks
Were tears or the humidity of the summer thunderstorm that I all of a sudden found myself in
When I was 8
I would only wake up after the rain had passed
I was told I imagined myself a monster
And called it a name I surely must have known in my head
When I spoke in that frothing tone, eating sour worms on the hot days
Spontaneously becoming it in rain showers
My aunt cared about frightening me to the point where I’d try to frighten others
One day, somewhere around my fifth birthday
I lost my childhood in one swift motion
When my aunt realised there was so much more she could do to me
The feeling of being touched
Set my brain alight like a raging wild fire
Before I learnt I shouldn’t hide
So after the twentieth time, I decided to hide
And when she finally found me, she dragged me away
And my little, little brain said I was going to die
As my tiny body was tied and stuffed face-first in water
Till the burning of my brain became more physical than mental
So when I went home, I could still feel the sensation of burning
Pouring thick, tarry smoke out of my ears for years
And still it got worse
Sometimes I wonder why the hearse never came
And I think for how many did it come
Even now I hate the feeling of being in my own body
I wasn't the only person I knew who grew up this way
Surrounded by people who used to say
Things like I’d make her mine
And I don't care if she says yes
We said yes, we get what we want
As if what you wanted was more important
Than us feeling comfortable in our bodies
And you were never really happy until you did us all
So we grew up believing
Love was a disillusionment
And s@x a bartering piece for not hurting us worse than we already were
That we’d have the fire in our heads forever
Like controlling fire was an innovation they kept in secret for us
So our broken brains bled purple red
As if a brain bleed could wipe our memories
So well that we might say there’s no news
No wars, no flooding downpours, no such thing as pain
We wish we knew no such thing as pain
Tell me it hurts less than a broken bone to wish for the impossible
That memories don't store themselves like proteins in muscles
The last thing to go
Tell me the doctor will say if you just exercise a bit more and eat a bit less
And hold onto hate then it will escape
That it won't amplify like fluid bursting against your beating heart
Of course it won't
She was 3 years old when I met her
Our first day of our parents saying they look nice together
When they said maybe one day I could protect her
In grade 3, we both got moved to the carpet at the back
To finish our work on trays and read books
We talked about the things she was interested in which was anything but looks
All I really wanted was to look like her
We both started Judo, learning to say these battlegrounds couldn't sh-t us down
We used to stay inside for breaks building puzzles and puzzling at moves we could use
She doesn't need my protecting
I need hers
But in front of our parents we couldn't curse the expectations that had been placed upon us
In grade 5, I came back from being bullied to see her crying
She’d been accused of being too tough, too much of a boy
To ever love
Something about the fact that if you really did upset her
You’d end up on the ground
When other kids would get married with toilet paper veils
And mail invitations written on lined and folded papers
We’d talk about why our lockers always came back empty besides books
hot oyster