hazy lintel
If I was every asked the question
“Where are you your weakest” and compelled to tell the truth
I’d rummage through my rib cage, drag out my heart
And present it stating “this is what I choose”
I imagine the crowd would gasp in shock
As if my words have caused a scandal
Because I’m young, smart, and strong
And I have not lived long enough to be fragile
But since I’m compelled to tell the truth
My lies get stuck in the flesh of my throat
And I present my heart on a silver platter
The gesture more truthful than any word I could have spoke
And it is the truth
Because I swear something is wrong with me
The way that my heart thrashes when it beats
Doesn’t seem all that healthy
Because love always feels a little bit like breaking
As this heavy feeling settles in my hearts crevices
Winds itself around every artery and vein
Until it replaces my blood with its presence
And that feeling begins to crowd my chest
Until it becomes the motion that makes my heart beat
And then it sinks, sinks, sinks down
And I can feel everything
You know, what hurts most about love is the disappointment
For which I’ve come to anticipate
Because I can’t seem to love without emotionally devoting all of myself
Only to end up hurt and with a desire to hate
Yet I never get that far
Because hate is only love turned sour
And beneath that anger, love-kissed memories arise
And guilt shaped wounds begin to fester
So every time I love
I seem to wound my own heart
With the guilt-riddled thoughts
That shame “You wanted more from the start.”
“You let your love turn sickly
Because you expected too much
Wanted to be loved by them so badly
You put everything you had in one bunch.”