(i'd take that it's my first poem here and the first poem that i'd spent more than 1 week brainstorming)
#"stargazing"
jade ore
severe glade
What's good VV
Imagery: The night sky as a backdrop creates a strong visual and emotional setting. The idea of eyelids heavy like the sky itself is evocative
Tone: It captures a deep sense of longing and loss without being overly dramatic, which feels genuine and raw
Personal touch: The mention of a shared memory ("how we used to love stargazing") adds emotional depth and context
Mood: The quiet sadness comes through clearly, especially in the lines about absence of warmth and "pillowed emotion"
Rhythm: The poem flows smoothly with natural breaks that let the reader pause and feel the weight of the moment
Improvements VV
Consistency of form: Some lines are very short and fragmented, while others are longer. A bit more balance could improve the flow — maybe break longer lines for more rhythm
Clarify a few phrases: For example, “my eyelids sore from the sky that’s disguised under the darkest paint” is poetic but slightly confusing. Maybe refine it to make the metaphor clearer?
Expand some ideas: The last line feels unfinished ("for how I’ve seen") — finishing that thought or connecting it more clearly to the previous lines would strengthen the ending
Punctuation and capitalization: Adding consistent punctuation and capitalization would improve readability and polish. For example, starting lines with capital letters, or adding commas where natural pauses occur
Overall: 7.5-8/10 🌹
^ It could get up to a 8 if you just did good punctuation and capitalization for a first poem you should be proud most people do a lot worse so you may have a good talent for it and make sure you try to find the theme that you like doing most