Love?

[thin notch]

Born to love, not to be loved.
Poems written in my blood-
devoted dedication,
merely for your affection.

In return only mocking,
I received for my working.
Endless nights of solitude,
met with distant attitude.

Ashes from my love were born.
All those heartfelt messages torn.
Once wished you had cared much more,
all I could do is adore.

My love a fragile daisy,
your "love" a poison, hazy.
Thought you tended my daisies.
Should have guarded my graces.

Wondered if my eyes had seen,
how you had really been-
Would I have stayed once again?
Would I dare to bear the pain?

Love?

[hoary silo]

It's really good, everything is conveyed but the emotions can't really be felt yk what I mean? Like the words could be a bit twisted? Like more vocab and metaphors maybe? But if it's a prose then it's perfect

[thin notch]

It's not a prose, however I like making my poetry easy to understand that's why the few use of metaphors. If you see any clear metaphors I should apply please let me know.

I did a little revision extending each verse to 8 syllables. Giving it more of an iambic tetrameter feeling (I think)

Was born to love, not to be loved.
Poems written in my ink blood-
devoted my dedication,
just to embark in affection.

In return only your mocking,
I received for all my working.
Endless nights left in solitude,
met with that distant attitude.

Ashes from my love were reborn.
All those heartfelt messages were torn.
Once wished you had cared so much more,
that my image you would adore.

My love was a fragile daisy,
your "love" was a poison, hazy.
Thought you had tended my daisies.
Should have guarded my heart's graces.

Wondered if my eyes could have seen,
how you had actually been-
Would I have remained once again?
Would I dare to bear all the pain?

[thin notch]

let me know what you think, I haven't been writing poetry for long im open to suggestions!

[manic nymph]

This poem is very well written. The theme of unrequited love is an interesting theme to write about (since I know by experience what it feels to love, but never obtain it in return). The lines "In return only mocking, I received for my working." are very relatable to me, and I enjoy that. All in all, this poem is relatable and very well written

[thin notch]

thank you so much for your feedback!!

[manic nymph]

Your welcome! Can't wait to see more of your works :D

[thin notch]

have posted a few these past days, https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1329477508353101845, https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1329258702515208275 and https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1328941623857512449 . Those are all if you want to take a look, I would love to take a look at your works too!!

[manic nymph]

I'll be sure to check them out during my free time. I'd love for you to take a look at my work too! It'd be easier for you to search for my user, since I have posted a decent amount of poems here. But I'll definitely check out your poetry!!

[hoary silo]

Ouu that does make sense! I'll let ya know if smth comes to mind!!

[hoary silo]

It's good really and about metaphor maybe like try to find something associated with daisies as you used that ? Maybe you can find smth on that and write another stanza or incorporate smth into previous ones!!

[thin notch]

daisies are already a metaphor themselves, they usually represent purity. So in the line "my love was a fragile daisy" I refer to the innocence of the love and in the line "thought you had tended my daisies" it refers to them not taking care of me as a partner and ruining that purity/innocence.

at least that was my thought process

[hoary silo]

Uh huh no that's a great one, i didn't notice mb