Thank you for the lessons

[lucid bane]

It all starts when we’re young, the lessons. We are tiny toddlers waddling around, learning to walk and talk. And before you know it, we’re grown, hauling all this baggage over the years, hoarding everything and picking up the pieces. Even after going through hell and back, we’re still here, and the world keeps spinning, whether we like it or not.

So, I want to say thank you. Thank you for the lessons. There are times I wish I didn’t have to go through those lessons, but I don't think I really had a choice. Thank you for teaching me what love feels like, how intense the word love can be, as well as the aching void it causes when it fades away. Thank you for loving me, even if I didn’t feel like you did at the time. I wish I had, because now that that love is gone, I realize I wasted all that time worrying. So, thank you for teaching me to live in the moment. Thank you for teaching me to be strong and resilient, as without that lesson, I would’ve never made it through. Thank you for making me feel inferior because it taught me my worth. It taught me that I am worth more than you made me feel. I didn’t like the way I learned the things you taught me, but I suppose I had to one way or another.

And so, I’m grateful for all the lessons you taught me, no matter how bad it hurt. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from the jagged edges of your love, as it carved me into a survivor, even though I would've traded the pain for a gentler touch. When I walked away from you, I left with fewer pieces than I came with. My heart has shattered a million times, and I've picked up as many pieces as I could, but you also scarred my soul, my being. I’m afraid I will forever carry the weight of the pain you caused me, but at least I learned from it. I learned from everything you put me through and came back stronger. I didn’t come out of it the way I liked, and not in the way I wished to be stronger, but I have. I now know to put up barriers, to limit my speech, to limit my love. I yearn for your warmth, your comfort, but reality demands a different path. No one always gets their way, I suppose.

I miss you, and I don’t know if the longing will ever fade, though I know I must move forward. Because, when I’m on my bathroom floor crying out in a pool of my tears, time doesn’t stop no matter how much I wish it would, and time is valuable. Before you, I had goals. I wanted to get into med school, learn about quantum mechanics, speak at conferences, but I just fell for you a little too hard. But now that it’s over, I must continue to live, and I cannot live on the bathroom floor forever. I do not wish to waste my life hurting and focusing on the pain. I might always hurt, but I would like to make the most of what I can.

So this is why I think it’s time to say goodbye, and that is exactly what I am doing. But I would also like to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me everything you did. Thank you for all the lessons because I would not be who I am today without them. And although I am not perfectly content with where I am in life, I am learning to heal and love myself, so I must say thank you. Thank you for the lessons.