#Feedback and help on analysing my elegy would be greatly appreciated! (Also in need of a title)

4 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

hard sierra
#

(The numbers on the side are the syllable counts)

Oh, fleeting hours! You’ve played your cruel jest, 10
You promised forever but gave us unrest. 11
We once climbed our castles, built from sand and glee, 11
Now crumbling ruins hold what we used to be. 11
Old dreams have been muffled to lifeless whispers, 11
Beaten down, trampled, pounded, mangled, 9

The creaking swings have ceased their gentle sway, 10
Its rusted chains whisper tales of yesterday. 12
The weathering brushstrokes paint over my canvas heart, 13
The palette slowly muting through time, fading, fading. 13

Sweet childhood, once an inflorescence of daisies, 12
Blossoming boundlessly, enriched with golden rays. 10
All that remains are snapshots warped by rain, 11
Hazy, faded, distorted, blurred, smeared, stained, 10
Tiny ghosts, frozen within a polaroid, 11
Slowly decaying, being gnawed at, from the edges. 12

Our youth has faded like an evening’s glow, 10
What was once endless, now drifts far below. 10
How swift the currents of life do flow! 9
The merry-go-round has stopped. The horses lay low. 11

Now here I stand where burdens seem to bloom, 10
Thorny black roses smother my delicate heart. 11
The bell has tolled gently for the days left behind, 12
Forgive me, sweet childhood, for I have resigned. 11
Although no longer there, its echoes still remain, 12
An ember of joy, a memory's bright flame. 10

@upbeat lintel

upbeat lintel
#

Ohhh interesting poem indeed

#

But the syllable count is wrong 😭

#

Fourth line has 10