I love this one SO MUCH, bro it-ok lemme calm down...I love the presence of motifs scattered thoughout your poem, it makes the poem feel flowing and keeping you focused on the theme and mood of it. I like using this too and I like when someone does things like that, and yours is a great exaple. Also, the metaphors, simplistic language and effective imagery is making me exciting, it's abstract and i don't get what they specifically mean, but i find it excellent cus not only it lets the reader get their own understanding of the poem, making it flexible, but also it makes me feel like it doesn't matter if the reader understands, it matters that you understand, making it very personal. At first I thought it was you denying the love you get from your partner but you don't have the ability, however at the end, i understanded that your partner died (which if it really happened, i'm sorry) and you try to leave it in the past but you can't, it's touching....it's touching, it's beautifly melancholic, touching. I love it! If i'd rate it, i'd rate it a umm 9.5/10. It's beautiful, abstract, melancholic and quite engaging at the style. hope you continue writing, i loved it!
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weary fable
quartz crypt
Hey I really like it a lot! It's one of the first free verse poem I've seen on here that uses simple language. That's the style of poetry I like to write as well. 🙂 very exciting to see.
I'll start off with some feedback about the repetition of the phrases "it's dark outside / usually at this time..."
This does a good job of creating a sense of moment, it seems to me the speaker is sitting alone in the darkness and thinking of -- presumably their ex, or lost loved one.
The final twist at the end is very interesting. "You're still here with me / in the dark outside" I find very moving. It gave me the feeling that the speaker, to some extent, enjoys sitting in the darkness. There is a comfort there in the memories that accompany it.
The imagery in the second last stanza is perhaps my favorite of the poem. I would love to see it expanded on even more. I'm thinking of the line "listening to the silence on the other end" there is something very powerful about how this flows into the final stanza. The imagery of just sitting, hearing nothing, and being comforted by that gives me chills.
I have two pieces of feedback that I think are especially subjective so I wanted to point that out before I say them.
The first is the line "usually at this time we'd have out torsos laid upon each other's" this line to me does not feel overly intimate, yet the rest of the stanza paints a very intimate setting. Perhaps something more intimate but still capturing the same idea would work even better here?
The second line is "curtains protecting me from the blinding war crimes of the sun" to me I feel like it doesn't quite fit the flow of that stanza... Although I could just be reading it differently than you 🙂
My very final piece of feedback is that I wonder if you could expand on the repetition lines "it is dark outside" I love what it does for the poem, I could imagine if this line was more descriptive, it could make the whole poem sing! Not too sure though just a thought.
Seriously well made, I loved reading it 🙂
fluid trenchBOT