It's really good but you should continue it because it feels like you have a lot more to say, but still, great job!
#Sincerely My Beloved.
south dirge
jolly thistle
Submerged seems like the wrong word out of place somehow. Also idk what u intended with the line breaks but u’ve dragged a sentence over 4 lines like read till the full stop of first line. The words don’t match up. Line breaks are for emphasis like how alliteration is for musical tonality. It’d be smth like
…prey; … heart - submission. I can’t realise what u intended with the line breaks which just means they aren’t working as they intended.
What do u mean by ‘pane’?
I like the tone of this like how the words fall under the same family of tone
jolly thistle
Seems reasonable
Impossible without paying a burdensome cost. It’s beauty lies is in how it’s already written format. More traditional u’d go to metre rhyme scheme which would introduce more jargon like they the this I to keep the metre even and u might have to change words to accommodate the syllable stress