#Of Pencil and Pen (Part 1)

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

weary lake
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Within her dwelling's silent walls, a pen wove tales in lonely halls,
His ink flowed void of vibrance or cheer, through his life, a scribe of drear.
A symphony of sameness, a never-ending score,
Aching for adventure, wanting something more,
In the twilight's gleam, a man did loan,
a pencil in hand, a new destiny sewn.

An alien, yet strangely kind, she stirred a curiosity in his mind.
In parchment's domain, their dance alight, two spirits swaying in script's delight.
Their strokes were stories, painted raw, a love in bloom without a flaw.
Yet lurking shadows, of impending part, cast a pall on their fledgling start.

Through onyx orbs, he watched her twirl, the pencil, his beloved pearl.
Within twilight's shroud, his soul unfurled, "Our chronicle defies the world,
As distant sojourns intertwine, your love radiates through my ink's design.
In boundless verses, we interlace sublime, transcending mere words, our hearts aligned."

A week of moons, their glow grew slight, as the time crept up, the unyielding blight.
Back to the man's keep, she was due, leaving a void, wide and true.
The lady mourned their sweet duet, under the veil of deep regret,
The pen and pencil, their story paused, relinquished to fate, their union lost.

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<@&1116088175618699345> 🙏

worldly marlin
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Hi! I will try to assist you with all the knowledge i have at my disposal.
The poem well written but the long verse fails to keep the musicality. I would spit the verse in half. Due to the long verse it seems more like a story than a poem. The words chosen are expressive and gives the text vitality, however it fails to express any emotions.
You did an overall good job and i cannot wait to see your future poems! Keep it up and don't give up! You've goat this!

snow rose
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I like the way in which words tangle together to create such complex and deep phrases, and the vocabulary used looks like a luggage full of knowledge in different linguistics domains. The scenery is evocative and strong, as it helps the readers vizualise in a better manner the story.
Too many randomly thrown commas though which can be easily taken out to make the poem feel even more airy and fluid upon reading + The poem lost a bit its consistent storytelling because it got drowned in metaphors and epithets somewhere nearby the second stanza. More than that, “onyx orbs” seems like a wording straight out of a Wattpad fanfiction because nobody refers to eyes as “orbs” anymore, it is the same as saying: “she had big eyeballs” which is… Eh, whatever, you get my point.
More attention to the wording and you’ll be fine.

Great job and good luck, friend! You did amazing so far~ ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡

weary lake
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Thank you for the feedback!!

snow rose
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૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

snow rose
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@worldly marlin