Hi! I will try to help you with all the knowledge i have at my disposal.
I noticed there are some words that do nothing but to make the sentence seem crowded, nor they offer any information. So i suggest their removal or to change the order of the words within the sentence. Such examples would be: "I try to sort out through the corpses of the deities that are now dead." -> "I try to sort out through the corpses of now dead deities". I can see you tried to make the verses rhyme but as long as the rhyme isnt constant within the poem and the lenght of the versers not being roughtly equal, this break from the musicality of the text. Removing most of the "that"-s within the text such as:"And see that the shrines have all been discarded" -> "And see the shrines have all been discarded."
You should read your poem in a critical light and all the smal mistakes will pop up for sure!
I believe in you dont give up!
#weekly poetry #2 (critiques appreciated - wrote this feeling detached) themes: romance and breakup.
late garnet
