#Obsession (please critique me !)

2 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

burnt breach
#

I want you.
I want your skin next to mine
your head on my chest
your scent in my clothes
and your hair on my bed.

I dreamed of it
more than once
I fantasized us as a couple,
like pencil and paper
wood and fire
paint and a canvas
and even as a pair of socks.

I adore you.
Like how birdwatchers are with birds
and gifted painters with a landscape.
I want to praise every inch of you,
acknowledge your bruises and scars,
spreading my own poison to overpower yours.

Hello!
This poem was about a guy that i fell hard for. He was a toxic man but a good guy, in the end nothing happened between us but he really impacted my life since this poem was my very first one.
I’ve only just started writing poetry a few months back, and I really enjoy how I could kinda understand myself better after I write. I would love any feedback you would give me! Cheers :)

dapper silo
#

It's pretty good so far. I think you could add depth, especially in the second stanza. You could include more sensory detail in those images to help us understand why you felt that way.
I particularly like the line about socks. It's a subversion of expectation. I think it would be more effective if you dropped "even" from it. It's an odd and interesting observation. State it confidently! 🙂