#Please tell me if you spot any small or big improvements

29 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

storm hollow
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The slightly sensitive last two stanzas blacked out

We stick together like glue and it feels
Right bringing down your demon
So brought you a knife for the mercy blow
But you like to use your hands

They clasped in mine now we sleep
Hush I'll comfort as you weep
I'm not going anywhere
Where you are I will be there

Mine enveloping your skin
My head tucked under your chin
Ailed heart now peaceful beating
Broken pieces are mending

Black dawn through light clouds breaking
Draining my vision waning
Panic in throat settling in
You safe I am still keeping

Your skin, heating up in e-ve-ry fold
Firmly but gently I tighten my hold
With you burning up I'm starting to flinch
It's okay dear I can handle a pinch

Smoke rising out of your hair
Eyes closing in stinging air
Flames engulfing our whole lair
Can't protect you with prayer

Waken soaking deep in fear
Eyes shut may you still be there
Cold hope peering you are near
Sinking in you are not here

||I thought of it enough to
Surgically slice the core through
But I see why you need to
Rip the heart in twenty-two

Take your time in severing
Each and every nerve ending
So kind to demon lending
Their heart won't feel a damn thing
||

First stanza is 10-7-10-7
Fifth stanza is 10-10-10-10
The seven other stanzas are 7-7-7

proper condor
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Is there a specific meaning for the number of syllables or is it for regularity

storm hollow
# proper condor Is there a specific meaning for the number of syllables or is it for regularity

No meaning to the total number. But there is 270 syllables with 9 lines so I guess that works nice in theory for 9 stanzas, with a 7.5 syllable average?

But anyway. I had this gut feeling in the middle of the poem to make four longer lines (10-10-10-10) where the pacing of the poem switches
Then it felt right to return back to 7-7-7-7 for the rest of the poem

But most recently, I felt like making the first stanza longer. And 10-7-10-7 both felt right and sounded good when I pronounced it out loud
Maybe because I have a tendency to start a poem in an "irregularly-regular" way and then progressively make it more regular. But once again,
in this case for some reason I felt like adding longer lines into the middle, specifically.

modest willow
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I like the rhythm, since it's not consistent. As the mood changes, the tone of the poem changes

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what did you want to know about the meter?

storm hollow
# modest willow what did you want to know about the meter?

Just wanted to check for any flaws whether it is rhythm or meter or anything else related. I know almost no theory at all. I don't even understand what different meters are, or what feet are. I just go with intuition and what sounds good when I say or sing it out loud. If the rhythm and meter look or sound good to you despite the weird things I pulled in this poem, then that is sufficient feedback already. :)

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I mean of course I look to match syllable counts. And I look to do some small things to allow for multiple ways to read the poem. Like, to have single syllables at certain points so that the reader can read in the way that they want. But thats about the extent of what I do.

modest willow
# storm hollow Just wanted to check for any flaws whether it is rhythm or meter or anything els...

well, you've got a rhytm in the poem and as the tone of the poem changes the rhytm changes, so that's good. You wrote this in the free-verse. Syllables are usually only looked at when you write in meter; meter is basically when the stress fall on a word, like: sileNT nigHT, 4 syllables where everyother is stressed, that creates a natural rhytm, what your doing is called an artifical rhythm, you pick the words on their sound and if they go well they go well, but it takes time to find the right words, thus free-verse was made, where you don't have to worry about meter and stresses; rhythm is the flow of stress in a line

storm hollow
# modest willow well, you've got a rhytm in the poem and as the tone of the poem changes the rhy...

Oh, thank you for the explanations. But, hmm.
I don't get why syllables would only be looked at when writing in meter.
As I am writing poems most of the time it feels really off if a stanza has an uneven syllable count.
I feel like pretty much any of my poems including this one would be completely butchered by almost any removal (*or addition) of a syllable anywhere
I believe you that this poem is free verse, but I don't understand why we would not be looking at syllable counts in free verses?

Example:

They clasped in mine now we sleep
Hush I'll comfort as you weep
I'm not ___ anywhere
Where you are I will be there

its immediately a lot worse, no? I would even say, completely ruined.

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Oops, actually it would be with -1 syllable: "Im not go___ anywhere". Which sounds even worse because now it goes to uneven syllable count 28 to 27. But anyway.

modest willow
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meter is a beat of song

storm hollow
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Ah you mean stressed syllables as the ones highlighted?

modest willow
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rhythm is the flow of words

modest willow
storm hollow
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I know stressed and unstressed but I tried reading something with stress-unstress alteration and couldnt
So, I just stopped and didnt try

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Since my poems still sounded good to speak out loud

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Maybe because I am non-native its harder and less natural

modest willow
storm hollow
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Hmm ok

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Since itll be so much easier for me to grasp stressed and unstressed with an example in my own poem,
Could you do the stress-unstress "measurement" for like, 2 lines of this poem? Then Ill try to grasp it by myself

modest willow
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k, any lines?

storm hollow
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First stanza, for example

modest willow
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we STICK toGETHer like GLUE and it FEELS
RIGHT BRINGing DOWN your DEmon

storm hollow
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Aight, thank you :)

modest willow
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we STICK toGETHer like GLUE and it FEELS
RIGHT BRINGing DOWN your DEmon
SO brought YOU a KNIFE for the MERCy BLOW
BUT you LIKE to USE your HANDS

they CLASPed in MINE now we SLEEP
HUSH I'll COMfort as YOU weep
I'm NOT goING aNYwhere
where YOU are I will BE there

MINE enVELopING your SKIN
my HEAD TUCKED unDER your CHIN
ailed HEART now PEACEful BEATing
BROken PIEces are MENDing

black DAWN through LIGHT clouds BREAKing
DRAINing my VI sion WANing
PANic in THROAT SETtling in
you SAFE I am STILL keepING

your SKIN, HEATing UP in E-ve-ry FOLD
FIRMly but GENTly I TIGHTen my HOLD
with you BURNing UP I'm STARting to FLINCH
it's OKAY dear I can HANDle a PINCH

SMOKE risING out OF your HAIR
EYES closING in STINGing AIR
FLAMES enGULFing our WHOLE lair
can't PROtect YOU with PRAYER

wakEN SOAKing DEEP in FEAR
EYES SHUT may YOU still BE there
COLD hope PEERing YOU are NEAR
sinkING IN you are NOT here

I THOUGHT of it ENOUGH to
SURgiCAlly SLICE the CORE through
BUT I see WHY you NEED to
RIP the HEART in TWENty-TWO

TAKE your TIME in SEVering
each and EVEry NERVE endING
so KIND to DEmon LENDing
their HEART won't FEEL a DAMN thing

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did the whole poem, hope it helps

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you can see the whole stress pattern

storm hollow