critique Asap & Also suggest if any🙏🙏

[red reef]

Burden of expectations haunted him,
Life was unfair! So it seemed,
He never asked for love,
Even though he always had it rough,

All he needed was a shoulder,
A shoulder To rest his head and get over,
Get over his past and his failures.

Things could've been different,
If his eye weeped leaning on a shoulder,
The shoulder that he never got,
So he grew colder.

Life can be strange,
He never got one before,
And there he was getting away on four.

                                                              Damn!

[fierce mural]

I like the approach you're taking as the author in distancing the way the man is being described, like he is this outcast; it pulls the message together well. Besides the ending, there is a consistent melancholy tone that I like.

I can't seem to figure out what he is getting away on. Four shoulders? Does he have four lives? I'm also a little bit put off by the "Damn!" at the end because it contradicts with the idea that we were meant to pity this person. Other than that and some formatting concerns (commas after every line confused me, as well as the capitalized "To"), I enjoyed this! 🙂

@red reef

[red reef]

@fierce mural ohh by saying he got away on 4 shoulders I ment he got carried on a coffin cause usually coffin are carried by four people..is that hard to make out ? If that's the case I'll have to add lines to make it clear I think

[fierce mural]

That's pretty clever! It is tough to make that out on its own. I think just one more line being added would do it well

saying "he was getting away on four" also made me think he was doing it of his own accord

smart idea here though