#mais journal

1568 messages · Page 2 of 2 (latest)

modern gale
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grabbing

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hurting

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it all hurts

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hes hurting me

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hes pinching my face till its numb

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i try pulling away but hes laughing

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he kept laughing

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i think he was laughing

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it wasnt a hilarious joke kind of laughing

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but like a scary laugh

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im standing next to him

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we’re looking into the distance

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he holds me

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tight

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tighter and tighter

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it hurts

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i didnt want to be rude

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my eyes would always water but i would always try to smile

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i remember trying to pull away to loosen his grip

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but he would hold tighter

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always

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which was my fault

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i shouldve said something

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i cant blame him for that

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i shouldve told him

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in a way i did deserve it

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i shouldnt have let him

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i shouldve said something

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i shouldnt have froze

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why did i feel bad

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if i didnt none of this wouldve happened

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i did love him

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but i did hate him

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only after

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but he couldve been confused

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but he was attracted to an eleven year old

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i loved him

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that was my family

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that was my blood

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that was my grandfather

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of course i loved him

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how could i not

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he was everything

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i was so excited to see him for the first time in years

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i remember

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we were in a shop

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before the flight

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looking around for gifts

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i pointed out a few

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i remember when my dad was on the phone i would beg him to let me talk

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that was my grandfather

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i wanted him to love me

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i always wanted that

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when we landed

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i didnt even want to be there

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i went for him

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i remember

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they were driving

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but it was a big delay to our house

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i was upset because i couldnt see him

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then i think at around ninepm

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on the eighth or ninth of december

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2022

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my mom told me he was here

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i was on a bed

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reading

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i got up and said hello to everyone

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then i stood to avoid making up space

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my mom told me to sit with him

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i did

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i sat on the very edge

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making space

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he gave me a few glances

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i thought he hated me

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i hated that i cared so much

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his cane dropped on my leg

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it hurt

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he didnt move it

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i dont really remember the rest of the night

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apart from disappointment

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after a few days he started living with us

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he kept asking for my name

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over and over

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then it all started

modern gale
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aaa

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i dont wanna keep talking about depressing shit

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as much as i would want to

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i havent talked about anything positive

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which isnt great

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but

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i feel sick

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i tried studying but

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idek

modern gale
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oh my goodness

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what the fuck is my life

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hes trying to bring me back to that fucking country

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its not that i hate the country

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no well i do

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no offence

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but i cant even handle rethinking what happened to me there

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let alone go back

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and see the spots i sat in

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or where we sat together

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and where he grabbed me

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or pulled me

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i cant go back

modern gale
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im losing my shit

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he booked the ticket

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the more i think about it the more sick i get

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im genuinely going to throw up

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i can feel him on me

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no ones helping

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i genuinely hate this so much

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eleventh of may is the ticket

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fuck knows how long hes going for

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i hate this

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if i dont go its a waste of money

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genuinely i would love to go if none of this shit happened

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but i cant

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i genuinely know ill end my life

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i wanted to last time

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even when he moved out

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i was terrified

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i cant breath

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i dont knoe ehet to do

modern gale
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ive genuinely cant

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everytime i look at someone i start crying

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i did my makeup to try avoid crying

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now i just look stupid

modern gale
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i would love to sleep right now

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i would love nothing more than that

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but these people genuinely cant stay quiet for more than two seconds

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what the fuck

modern gale
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last night i made a plan to end my life

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not in the moment but for the future

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i had a dream i followed through

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i left my house

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i went down the road

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my dads car pulled out and followed

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i remember seeing three boys from my school

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one of them starts talking to me

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after a while i keep walking

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i see my dad walking towards me

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yelling at me

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it was something along the lines of if your going to do it get it over with or dont do it at all

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i climbed up the bridge stairs and he followed

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i remember him lifting me and throwing me off

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when i died i knew i was dead

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there was the slightest bit of regret but no pain

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its weird but two things happened after

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it was like i was spectating my own body

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it was weird

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it was like on screen that i died

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i could still like

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think

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part of me thought i did something stupid

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other part was relief

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i remember getting raised from the dead which honestly yeah

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and no one really cared

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they didnt care i just died

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they didnt care i was now alive

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everyone just kind of moved

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we went to see family

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i saw my grandma whos not really my grandma

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i saw the kids i babysit who clung onto me

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i remember being put on medication

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then i woke up

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i still want to follow through

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i need to

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i dont want to be one of those people who tell everyone they will kts and dont follow through

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but i dont want anyone to know

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and i want to follow through

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i honestly dont think people read this

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i sound stupid most of the time

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i only talk about my ex and things that are driving me insane

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but idrk

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ive had a few like

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reoccurring dreams about this

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where i try take my life

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plan to take my life

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its weird

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it feels weird

modern gale
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my grandfather died three years ago today

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i dont know how to feel

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i didnt realise it was may until right now

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am i supposed to be happy

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am i supposed to be upset

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what do i feel

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he lived without consequence

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he died with nothing but peace

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but i will live everyday till my death not forgetting

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i will never forget

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i will never get better

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ive tried

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but i cant

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i dont know what to do

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i havent relapsed this bad in ages

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no ones talking to me

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i havent talked to anyone

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not properly

modern gale
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i just woke up to my dog plushie fucking barking

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i accidentally pushed a button i think

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life is great

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its 5:30

modern gale
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i feel like shit

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i cant walk

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well i can

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but i cant keep my balance

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but like

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idk how to explain it

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i havent left the house

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i feel sick

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i dont remember the last time ive eaten properly

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im not ghosting anyone right

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but either way

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no ones reaching out so it doesnt matter

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i keep relapsing

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i genuinely dont want to do this

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its not like i havent tried talking

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because i have

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like to my parents and shit

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like ill try to start a converstation

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not that i ever tell them oh im struggling

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like

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i want to talk

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then get to it

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but ive tried and they just wont

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ill say hi

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i get a hi back

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and then there busy

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i dont blame them

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but now there just pissed

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because i can barely do shit

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idek man

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no ones home

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im supposed to be at my aunts but as soon as i got downstairs i genuinely felt like i was going to faint

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ive never fainted

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but like

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the feeling of like

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about to drop to the floor

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was weird

modern gale
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she saw my scars

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i feel like shit

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i havent eaten

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i talked though

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i want to feel something

modern gale
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every time i move its genuinely so painful

modern gale
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i can move

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i can but i cant

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my head hurts but its not like

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my whole body feels like carrying double my weight

modern gale
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lwk losing my shit

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im genuinely in so much pain

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i dont know like

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i just feel so heavy

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its like i have extra weights tied to me

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my head feels horrible

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i genuinely have nothing to be upset over

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i feel like im going to throw up

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but i wont throw up

modern gale
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i might have to go therapy tomorrow

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its not that

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oh i dont wanna go because i dont want to talk to anyone

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its the fact its fucking group therapy

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are we deadass

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because bro

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i dont even care about one on one

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one on one is so much better for me

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ive missed all the sessions so far

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i dont know anyone

modern gale
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ive spent ages growing out my hair

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but i genuinely cant take care of myself

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and i need to cut it

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but bro ive spent years growing it out

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i know i need to cut it

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but

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idek

modern gale
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my mom made me take her antidepressants

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i think im going to my gp tomorrow

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but i need to make an appointment

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i feel so shit

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i know i should eat but i cant

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i dont have an ed right

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but its just

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idek

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im trying to get better

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ive tried

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im talking

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im going on walks

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but i feel the same

modern gale
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i dont think im going to the gp tmr

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idk

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i only wanted to go to get medication because im lwk losing my shit

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apparently they cant give it to under eighteens

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i dont see a point in going

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im taking antidepressants though

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i dont see that much of a difference except feeling a bit sick after taking them

modern gale
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i have a redbull

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i bought a new flavour

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genuinely tastes so ass

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i dont wanna waste it

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but i cant drink it

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it tastes like banana

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its supposed to be cherry

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what the fuck

modern gale
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im going to my gp at twopm

modern gale
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im so scared

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i dont know what to say

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or ask

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i kind of blanked

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and idk what i need

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anymore

modern gale
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i went

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well no my mom explain everything for me

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they said they cant do anything

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since theyve referred me before

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to this mental health thing

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so we went there

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and i was on there list for dbt but its group

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so i said i didnt want to do group

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but for one on one its another year

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to wait

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my life is great

modern gale
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i took the anti depressants

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i broke it in half

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only because i shouldnt really be taking it

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but im genuinely not getting help anywhere

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and i dont know what to do

modern gale
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i hate to be weird and sappy

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but i genuinely miss my ex

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that was my boy

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i miss holding hands for a extra second to long

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i miss walking home

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i miss texting even if he rarely did

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i miss him actually opening up about how he felt

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i miss our converstations

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i miss how we couldnt imagine a future without eachother

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i miss the fact people would hate us being us but we would do it anyways

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i miss ragebaiting people together

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i miss his brown eyes

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i miss the marks on his face

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i miss the small gap between his teeth

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i miss him talking about his jobs

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i miss him talking about his family

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i miss us so much

modern gale
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i hate how horrible of i person i was

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i grew up in a household where things that shouldnt have been normalised were

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i hate how shitty of a person that made me

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my area was heavily racist and i hate to be like oh it wasnt my fault

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but it was more common to be a racist than not to be

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i hate that i was copying everyone else

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i hate that i tried to fit in by being like them

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i didnt realise until not even that long ago that what i was doing was stupid

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and i hate that its so recent

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because everything i did is fresh

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i grew up in a homophobic household making me just become a copy and paste

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now i think i like woman

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i hate how stupidly racist i was for no reason

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i hate myself so much for all of that

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i genuinely feel disgusting remembering all of it

modern gale
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i hate this

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i miss him

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i was throwing out my old school shit

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i couldnt get rid of the papers that i knew had his touch

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i couldnt get rid of the books i used his pen on

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i couldnt get rid of the homework books they would give that me and him used to rip paper out of

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i stayed up the full night on his birthday

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i messaged him at midnight

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in hopes of a reply

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i never got one

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i want to sob

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we were supposed to grow old together

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he promised

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i sobbed for hours when i found out my mom threw all our old notes away

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those stupid papers we passed in class

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i reread those after we ended

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so many times

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every day i pray

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i pray for him to come back

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i dont believe in god

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but i wish he comes back

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everyday

modern gale
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i miss sneaking under his umbrella to try pissing him off but he offered it and we ditched our friends to walk together

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i miss reposting every fuckass video that had his initial or reminded me of him

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july 22nd 2:43pm

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our last call

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he told me he was inlove with her

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he told me i was his bestfriend

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i knew she was in love with him

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she hated me for being with him

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i wish i didnt tell him she did have feelings for him

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maybe he wouldve changed his mind

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he told me she wanted his snap so i just told him

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then his tone changed

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then he kept talking about her

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how pretty she was

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how smart she was

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how everything she was

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but he said the same about me not even that long before

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i genuinely feel like i might throw up

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that was my boy

modern gale
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im so fucking close to swallowing all these fuckass tablets

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im genuinely losing my shit

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what the fuck

modern gale
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i didnt

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but im so scared to sleep

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the last time i made a plan i had genuinely a horrible dream

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probably spoke ab it

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but idek

modern gale
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idk why i just

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like

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i hate all these fuckass people

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like

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i sound like a bitch

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but what

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i dont understand the concept anymore

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i used to be reallyreally attached to everyone i met

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i feel like the complete opposite now

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i enjoy there company

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but i can survive without them

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i could ghost all of them today and live life the same

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i hate that

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i wish i had some kind of like

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need to keep hold of everyone

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but i cant

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i cant feel anything

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it either everything or nothing

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and out of all of that i only have attachment to a guy who couldnt give a shit less about me

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and people who have passed

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i dont believe in anything anymore

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but i was religious and its genuinely like

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i went from being terrified to go to hell to like not believing

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at first i still prayed just out of fear

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then i just stopped

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everything became so unreal

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and like when i was religious i couldnt believe people werent

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now its the opposite

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its like

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i dont even know

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so when i miss these people

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when i mourn theyre losses

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all i can think about is how they dont know

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they dont know i sob randomly years later

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they dont know how much i cared

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they dont know how much i wished it was me

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but there just unconscious and gone

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and i hate that

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i hate that so much

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they cant hear my sobs

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they cant feel my pain

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theyre just gone

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there unground and will never see anything again

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they wont be able to talk to me

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wont be able to play

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i wont be able to take stuff out her hair

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she will never know how much i cared because i didnt say it aloud

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she wont know i stared at her sleeping form hoping she’d wake just so i could talk to someone

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even though i would feel guilty if she did

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she will never know how much i spoke about her

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she will never know about how her words echo through my mind

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she will never know how her deceased body is permanently etched into my mind since i was eleven years old

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she will never know the disbelief i felt when she was pronounced dead

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she will never know the amount of times i hoped i was dreaming and she would wake up

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she will never know i picked out my old toys which i never gave out just to give her to see her happy

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she will never know how much i would do to hold her again

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she will never know how she would be right now if she hadnt got into that car

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she will never know what its like to be an adult

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she will never know what its like to be inlove

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she will never know the cries of people who didnt get to know her the time she was alive but cried anyways

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she will never know what its like to grow old

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she will never know how it feels to do anything anymore

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because she no longer can

modern gale
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every bone in my body is so filled with grief, i dont know how much longer i can last, i go from wanting to die to being terrified of death and wanting to live forever, i hate that she didnt get the chance to live. she will never get the chance to live again, she will never know how much i miss her everyday, she will never know the tears i have cried, she will never know the yells from the funeral still ring in my ears, she will never know the horror and the sketch of her deceased etched into my head showing up in my dreams as if shes still alive, she will never know what wouldve happened if she didnt get into the car, she will never know how it feels to be in love, she will never know how it feels to grow old, she will never feel again, she will never love again, she will never be alive again, it has been 1225 days since she was last happy, 1256 since she was in my arms for the first time in years. she will never be free and i hate that

modern gale
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i hate talking about this because it creeps me out in a way but i remember one of my other cousins ran after the car

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when it first started moving

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he yelled at them to not go

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he has like very strong autism so like everyone assumed it wasnt much

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after a while

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i wasnt here but the story scares me

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him and his mom were in a room

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she was finishing up something

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and he says my cousins name saying shes in heaven

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that scares the fuck out of me

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the accident didnt happen

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not yet atleast

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the next day after the accident

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when she was hours dead

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he was walking around looking for her

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like he wasnt aware of what he said

modern gale
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i od’d last night

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holy fuck never doing that shit again

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i didnt take a crazy amount

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i didnt sleep

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i was sick basically all night

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my parents are on my dick

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im getting my phone taken

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and my room

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my life is peak

modern gale
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i feel like shit

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i look like shit

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i wish i didnt tell my mom i did od

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because now im not even allowed to do shit alone

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i spent all night awake

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we were going to go hospital and shit but i didnt take much

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well

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i went over the amount

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but

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it wasnt deadly in a way

modern gale
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i look horrible

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i cant eat

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i feel sick if i think of food

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i was doing so well

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usually when i have like

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times where i just completely feel like shit

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its a few months apart

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its been a few weeks and i feel like this again

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walking makes my head want to fall out my skull

modern gale
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shit i think i like girls

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and boys

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and everyone

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i dont know

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i dont care what anyone calls me

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boy girl nonbinary i dont really care

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i dont know

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like

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i dont really knowp

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labels throw me off

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i want to be unlabelled and love who i want to love

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regardless of gender

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but i dont know

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i dont want to be in a sexual relationship with anyone

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i dont want intimacy

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i find people pretty

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and attractive

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maybe im just a fucking narcissist

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anyways

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but

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i would want to be with someone but not in a relationship way

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that made no sense

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i want a boyfriend

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i want a girlfriend

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but i dont

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i dont want it to be like a relationship

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i dont want to be intimate

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or anything

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i dont knowo

modern gale
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i feel like im going to throw up

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im panicking

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my fuckass doctor wont call me

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they were supposed to half an hour ago

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i feel so sick of anxiety right now oh my fucking god

modern gale
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it feels so fucking selfish to live without her

modern gale
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i hate summer

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so much

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everytime i go out theres people hanging out with there friends

modern gale
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wait im losing my shit

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i dont care

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im not supposed to care

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why do i care

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i havent cared if anyone was mad at me for ages

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why the fuck do i care

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i hate this shit

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oh my god

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i hate this so much

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i hate how much im feeling right now

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all day

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ive been feeling so much

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out of nowhere