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113 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

neat tendon
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Time to write about positive things

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I go to a doctor! And I take meds, sometimes i feel like they don't help my anxiety much but it still reassures me

I love idv,bsd,csm and mtp a loot, they give me comfort, I don't read chats in idv 🥹 and i log off when i flop in the game

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I love fyolai and they have been my otp since 2020

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I kin asa from csm, emil and luca from idv, amy from i love amy, yoshiki from tshd, goro akechi 💔 from persona 5 and dazai i guess

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I relate to all of them at some points

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Talking about today

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I have a terrible sleep schedule tbh

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Like very bad i think the last time i slept at 10 pm was years ago

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Ä°t's 5 am rn

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Ä° always try to fix it but it never fixes

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I will try to fix it

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My doctor told me I explain things very well even though I thought the opposite and it made me happy

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I feel guilty cuz i keep thinking bad about her too

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Like i think she thinks bad of me

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I get offended at every little thing even if it's meant to be good

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My mom told me that too

neat tendon
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Maladaptive daydreaming

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When i was a kid I would walk around the room while talking like how i do with maladaptive daydream right now, my mom would question it

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Now i question if that happened because the memory is so blurry

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I daydream like at least 4-5 hours a day but in worst cases it takes 10 hours or all day

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I skip meals and some work for it

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But not studying makes me so anxious

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Ä°t feels like my iq just dropped once

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So i study a little before daydreaming

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I try to delete the music's app but i always somehow get it back

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And i daydream without music too anyways

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.

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Good thing

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We will go to doc next week

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And there's no school next week

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I love and hate school

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Like I hate going to school sometimes i sleep at classes too but Its because of school I have high grades and

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Ä°t's the only thing i pride myself about

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I have no friends

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Like I just have one online friend which she and her friends done questionable things 💔

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No irl friends

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But I'm scared of being close to someone a lot

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Anyways

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.

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Other good things for today

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I will play IDV all day probably i also wanna bake something

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I hope we do bake it

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I like to think about silly things

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Outside of school

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Like

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What 7 deadly sins do i have

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I think it's gluttony and sloth 💔 not as in i eat a lot but I fill my life with addicting things to escape real life

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Like daydreaming, chocolate, chocolate is actually very bad i was about to get diabetes because of it

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I eat it whenever I'm sad

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Studying, phone and 1 other addiction i don't wanna talk about

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I study whenever something makes me feel stupid

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These sound like a lot of addiction

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But i have time for every one of them because I rll don't do anything much

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I don't go outside, the last time i went outside was because i felt like my mom was gonna die in a car crash if i don't go with her

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Anyways I wanna make a list of things I'd do today more clearly now

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I feel like i don't wanna do anything but i will still make it

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Play idv
Bake if mom wants to
Watch something because that's better than daydreaming
Draw

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I usually draw just Fyodor

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I love Fyodor so much

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He literally helped me study back in middle school so i got in a good highschool

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And sometimes i would eat for him when i starved myself

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This sounds corny but ok 💔

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But it's ok Fyodor is the best

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Fyodor from bsd

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I also want to credit my kins they help me sometimes socialize maybe

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Whenever something emberassing happens my mind goes feral

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Like I cursed at someone 2 years ago in a game and they didn't reply

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And to this day I'm anxious about it.

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So I just replay the scene in my head but me as my kins so

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Ä°t looks tuffer funnier and less awkward

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My kins are emil idv, Amy from i love amy, dazai i guess tho dazai is a bum

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I kin asa from csm, emil and luca from idv, amy from i love amy, yoshiki from tshd, goro akechi 💔 from persona 5 and dazai i guess

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Yeah i copied them sometimes i forget them

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I kinda kin Nikolai from bsd too but sometimes i feel like I'm not like him enough so i can't kin him and people will judge me for it I'm so chronically online

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Now i think about it what i have is kinda reasonable because since i was a kid i always escaped to fictional world and fictional chars helped me get through things so maybe that's why i worry about these

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I have a problem with showing gratitude

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it feels so awkward

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Ä°t makes me feel stupid too

neat tendon
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WE BAKEEED ACTUALLY

rn_image_picker_lib_temp_b20c3775-2f26-4c43-ab3f-5bbc400f27c4.jpg
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Ä°f I didn't have anxiety I'd be extroverted and go around telling people about recipes

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I also might talk about my anxiety a lot cuz it's a big part of my life and ts journal I'm tend to vent in it

neat tendon
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Here's my manga I have blue period and given too

1dbb8ecf-dd51-4ccf-b089-67a1d58efd51.jpg
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I want chainsaw man and Sakamoto days and MORE.

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I love reading manga

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You can tell i hate bsd 😅

neat tendon
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I don't wanna die but I wish i was never born if it was like that these wouldn't happen at all

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I wonder how people who were never born feel

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Probably nothing since

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They were never born

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Sometimes

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I mourn for people who were never born cuz I'm stupid

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I also want to die before my mom does

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Thank god my mom is young

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Having an old mom would be a nightmare I'd think about her death 7/24

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I woke up very late today so i wanna die

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Ä°t's not just waking up late it's my mom's tired of it she gets angry and says she hears noises at nights from me

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Doing random shit or daydreaming at night

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She says it's humiliating

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And i feel like a disappointment

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I didn't take my meds for a few days

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IDK what to do

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I can't write a journal cuz

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I usually don't do anything at day

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I bedrot or study

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And daydream