helloooooo this is my journal that i'll (try) to write in everydayy
#ace's journal
brittle kayak
just how my days went
oh its 12am
sigh
anywayy so today (technically yesterday) was a pretty okay day
went to all my regular classes (which made me wanna rip my hair out)
and then came home and did idek
but yea thats all
omfg my posture is like a fucking shrimp
brittle kayak
soo today started off well
but im a bit worries because i got a teeny weeny cut from a small metal paart
idk if it was rusted or no but it hurts a lot
even tho it was small
brittle kayak
||so i relapsed||
||and now im back to being addicted to it||
||and i cant stop doing it||
||even the smallest of things make me wanna rip my skin off||
||its driving me mad||
and my sleep schedule is fucked
its getting kinda tiring having to act all happy 24/7
but fake it until you make it idfk
me being dyslexic (did i even spell that right) doesnt help either
being stressed about whether my english is correct or not is
just
idek
i dont like it
stress sucks
and i've also noticed that i speak better english to myself rather than any of my friends
to teachers and family who are older, my english is pretty okay
it also doesnt help that i have a horrible stutter
just edited all the texts that should need a trigger warning
brittle kayak
/e wave
i've started another journal
in an actual book
where i use a pen
yes
those journals
that journal is for
writing
um
idek
writing about my everyday life i guess
and this one is for actual shit
my mom bought me that journal so technically i have to write something in it now
she probably will look thru it even if i add a lock so i wont write anything in there that'll give her a heart attack
brittle kayak
i hate my mom so fucking mush
much***
always telling me to studying
do this do that
istfg
brittle kayak
OH MY GOD WHYRE GAY COUPLES SO CUTE KILL ME
brittle kayak
so one of my closest friends
JUST TOLD ME
that she likes me
technically we're online friends
whhat the actual fuck
how does tghis happen
shes been avoiding me for a long time
maybe thats why
she blocked me
fml
brittle kayak
i have a friend. very caring, love em to death. a few weeks earlier i accidently itold him abt ||my sh.|| i was 1-2 months clean during that time. i've also recently lost a friend. school hasnt been great, exams are almost ending but the whole week was hell. ||relapsed almost everyday.|| also did not tell the friend. i did tell him later and promised not to lie about being okay. then today i told him again that i dont think im gonna be clean again for a while when he asked how i was doing because things have been tough and its an|| unhealthy addiction.|| he was upset/disappointed and that brought back a lot of childhood trauma. he did ask if him being mad was making me scared and i did say yes. he said later that it wasnt smth to be scared off because he's already forgiven me and he's just disappointed.
i was mostly okay at first but thinking of everything that my mom has done and that her being disappointed at me comes with consequences just really fucked with my head idrek what happened maybe it was just the ptsd but im still terrified
he comforted me a lot later and i wanted to cry because i've never had anyone who's done that for me
not even the people who i call my bestfriends
and i've probably upset him again because my dumbass didnt know what to say and when he said something along the lines of "if u hav nothing to say then i need to study" i straight up went "okay"
fuck me
i hate myself
and of course my friend (who passed) had to die
its not his fault at all but i wish i could've done more to stop him from suiciding
i hate that im dyslexic
its so annoying