The feeling of losing a dear friend, one you thought you’d grow up and be old together is something I don't hear much of, terrifying and brutal
We've been close friends for almost a decade, closer as the years went by, we met in primary school then after primary I transferred schools and came back during senior school, I didn't have many friends (2) in school and I clung onto them for dear life l, no literally I was obnoxious I didn't stop yapping in class I would leave my seat and go to his and just yap to him, he listened to me talk and in my head that was a good sign, at least he wasn't saying or doing anything to reject me, we always talked about anime, movies and nerds we are what people call nerds.
After school we exchanged contacts ik ik and started texting, we started uni and we that's went we talked alot, like so much then he dropped a " I actually was pretending to be friends with you but then I actually started to like you, idk I'm feeling like I need to be honest I even like you more than my mum" bomb one day and I felt it again he was also leaving but my dmd thought since he's being honest and even saying he likes me more than his mother I should be idk special ( hindsight I didn't pit two and two and remember he spoke so little of her and when he did it wasn't good so of course the love bar was not that great )
#Umamis
green cipher
I pushed a little bit but we remained friends, it was good amazing we argued and joked and laughed and spoke for hours then, something inside of me awakened, I started to feel paranoid I was an anxious person and I was too scared to tell me idk how to explain it but when you're scared of being vulnerable so you don't sounds stupid or push people away, I noticed that I was the one calling and texting but my bar was so low I thought as far as he didn't leave he must like me right? Wrong we had a fight and that was at a time in my life when I was so over people walking over me not only him but in general so I told him he doesn't love or care about me and we didn't talk for like 2 months then he called me one day I was shocked I thought he'd never want anything to do with me and I also felt bad I thought I overreacted and look at him reaching out to we made up, life was good again look I don't have any friend I don't let people close to me, people gave me a hard time fck I'm not walking into that tangent rn, fast forward and a bug fast to 2024, I began to have cognitive dissonance ill say I was was only warm and fuzzy to only him and only him did I allow to not text back after some time or not do this or that, but deep down it always bothered me why he wouldn't call me and whenever I bring it up he'll say I'm being paranoid and I was being paranoid because it felt like I was loosing him so I went crazy, I told him something I never told anyone before, I was not into girls like I'm supposed to I didn't tell him I liked him relax, I just told him I didn't fancy girls, it was eating me up and I just had to get it out, I didn't know what to expect but he didn't say anything wrong me thinks mine you we live in a very very terrible country for people me whatever that means, so I'm not naive to believe that everybody is a bigot in that aspect, I felt to happy when he was asking when did I know and jokes like well not I'm officially a twink lol
Something started I don't know when on the time line because he bearly spoke about his life, he started to pick up lectures from somewhay radicals, he was into the religious community associations in his uni and even started to climb ranks.
Freaking 2025 5th year on uni, i kept feeling like I was being dragged like he has outgrown me and there had to be something I did or something about me that just makes people allergic to me, but now after all these years I can't just quit him, where was going to star from? The though of us not talking terrified the heck out of me, so I tried and cried and tired but something deep within me was starting to get fed up and I was freking less paranoid about us that that is telling me something , in may we talked again about how I don't feel respected at all bla bla and my dmb ahh was speaking in a manner that made me soumd like i was the one who was doing something bad and this was a reaction something I had done or kept doing, I blamed myself for alot of things it was easier than to accept the facts, so after that wasbwhen I shifted I would reply coldly ,and reduced calling which side tangent every time I try to set up. Call he would tell me he was busy and or forgot after the time is passed, not my proudest moments, soon after he ghosted me for a month called me one day and tried to smooth over what happened but hI told him no we need to discuss what this behavior means bla bla we Freaking made up and at the end of the conversation he made a "joke" asking how I coped without him in my life, I thought oh he knows , yeah well we jumped right into old habits but this time i didn't text or called Iike before, and I wound purposefully try to act cold like what are we doing fr, then I went colder and colder and stopped creating time to reply I'll take a good half a day to reply to a text we bearly said anything over a months span, then in October he said I was acting weird and I pretended to not a freaking clue what he was doing,
gaslightgatkeepgirlboss then he told me something about being given some office in the student association and I gave a very robotic unenthusiastic reply,then shots were fired I was not happy for him apparently, it hurt hearing that from the one person I never thought from, I fought demons not to get all worked up, so I simply told him to work on himself it isn't normal to stay stiff like that, and that was it, a few days I started to have withdrawal so I called him and he was asking why we haven't spoken, he pretended to not understand how our last conversation caused all of this, I just told him I had something I needed to do and hung up, we didn't speakagain, he kept texting me but i was done he texted me a few days ago just before 25th and I ignored, I wanted to block him but subconsciously I didn't want to + that would be a reaction of some sorth and give him closure so I didn't.
Few things I realized
I didn't love me he loved how big i made im feel
I don't throw this word around easily but I think he wanted to have me around but not close
I also believe my paranoid rants did something to us
Somebody who loves you wouldn't do this to you
I don't know what i miss because it seems the ship begun to sink a very long time ago and I was just blind
I miss him and can't believe ve this
I used voice typing and my goodness did it feel amazing to say this all out would recommend, bye