crimson turret
Tw: may mention alot Of sh overdose anddd abuse
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Im Liana Im 14 years old.
I enjoy music alot Its the Only thing keeping me sane.
Like the weeknd, marias, cas and alot moreee, I kept a journal but got burnt out from writhing alot. So from now im treating this as my own Journal orr diary:)
Today was quite just another shitty day. As usual im laying in bed contemplating but it feels like im watching myself for a brief moment. Anyways I used to be clean for months I don't keep on track cause 1st imm lazy 2nd I find no worth in it, It feels utterly useless to me lmao knowing id go back
I stopped for a whole 6 months cause my parents found out last year. That was one of the worst Things that ever happened but im not gonna go that deep, in this house emotions are dramatic and one of the reason why im so avoidantπ€·ββοΈ I learned emotions were never safe specially when my parents were unstable. Ill never blame this on my parents about how I turned out. Maybe just a little... maybe if they parented me harder like my sisters maybe I wasnt gonna be a screw up or a mistake or a person who has no worth in this household. They said it themselves that they messed up on me. That they should've parented me harder. And I have a brother whos 5 so know they're parenting him like what they did to my 2 older sisters, it pains me knowing im the child who has so much failures. But thats fine ill be ill always be fine. I hate how shitty my life is I am blessed in some ways.. But really it pains me that im alive im just stealing oxygen from people who really need it. I wish I was dead I wish I had the courage of suicide but im scared of heaven and hell it sickens me how Unfaithful I am to the lord. I have so much religion guilt why am I even saying this on here I know this will paranoid me asking questions like "what if someone i know sees this" or if they'd ss it anyway. I started self harm when I was 12 it made me cope in things I didnt know how to deal with. Yes maybe it sickens you who ever is reading this or maybe no one is. But it helps me when I feel nothing when im numb when the things i don't know kills me.
Ive tried overdosing but all I got was Diarrhea and Allergies to the medicine what time it almost worked it almost did.... I felt my throat closing up the world was shaking I was in bed my vision like a following effect it felt soooooo good. Is that weird?? Lmao I came on here Cause those damn Landlines or chats such a hassle when all I need is someone to Tell me its fine damn it's really hard needing comfort now a days my own so called friendss know im struggling but never ask if i was fine. Is it just me but if my self harm doesn't burn or Bleed it feels useless or when I wake up the next day and see it not flaring up it sucks it really does lmao anyway thats all I have so much to say but my fingers are getting sore from Typing.
Thank you for reading this strangerπ
even if no one's reading.
It makes me feel better knowing there's a chance someone might read this and understand me. Thank you