Bel's Journal | Huddle | Page 1

atomic girder Nov 22, 2025, 3:16 AM

#

Trying to heal! Yummers

#

Didn't start it off with a great morning today. Mother scolded me for forgetting the laundry last night. Well, I didn't exactly tell her my class was extended until 9pm so I guess that's why. But what ticked me off was how quick she changed her mind about things we already talked about and settled. And this time, it's about a dinner party with my friends. Just because I forgot to do the laundry, she told me I couldn't go. It feels really unfair. She agreed when I asked and now I can't go over some dirty clothes. I did think of trying to explain why I didn't do the laundry but I was feeling overwhelmed with anger that I fear I might shout at her which would worsen the already gloomy morning. So I stayed quiet. I think I did pretty good at holding back my anger this morning. I hope I can keep it up.

atomic girder Nov 22, 2025, 7:02 AM

#

I don't always agree with my mother. But she forces her opinions too much. How I act, what I dress, how I should talk. At the end she always claims it's just an advice and I don't have to go through it. But her gestures says otherwise. She acts completely different and sometimes even ignores me. It's hell when she does. My friend once reached out and told me I should have some spine. I can't always follow what she says. But if I don't, that means making hell of my supposedly comfort space. I don't want that.

#

I'm going shopping with my friends in a few hours! And she finally lets me go to the dinner party. Again. Yummers I hope she doesn't change her mind last minute.

Shopping went well! I didn't get the dress I want for the photoshoot. But my friends did help me find make-ups I need. I feel like such a burden because I keep asking them for help when it comes to this. They looked happy though, when we went shopping. I'm just glad they found the dress they want. I should worry about my own dress now.

The dinner party was fun! We played card games before food was served. The chicken was the size of the palm of my hand. I had a hard time finishing it, but it was so good, who am I to complain?

We were supposed to visit another store after dinner but it was getting late. I didn't want to get scolded for getting home at night, so I excused myself. They all looked at me when I spoke. I can tell what they were thinking. But it's not my fault that I have to leave early. I have curfew. I broke the rule several times in the past because of them. I feel like that's enough. I can't keep making hell out of my home. Besides, I can never know when my parents will leave this world. They're way too old for their age. They don't know about my concern though.

atomic girder Nov 23, 2025, 12:38 AM

#

Didn't start it off with a great morning today. Mother began complaining about the usual stuff right after I woke up. I managed to hold it in though. I didn't speak back or let my emotion get the best of me. I hope the rest of the day goes well.

atomic girder Nov 23, 2025, 6:02 AM

#

I had a fight with my bf yesterday before shopping. He was jealous because I liked a fictional character and because I said I wanted to marry it. It didn't make sense to me. It's just a fictional character after all. Anyone who saw it knew it was just a joke. I thought it was my fault. This is my first time ever being in a relationship after all. So I kept blaming myself after the fight. I apologized over and over again but he ignored my messages. I got really worried. I consulted about it to my friends. It's not my fault, they say. He has serious issues if he's jealous over a fictional character, they say.

Hours later he finally responded. He told me he cried himself to sleep because of it. Was it really that serious? I don't know anymore. But after hearing what my friends think, I feel frustrated and began questioning everything. I'm not the one at fault, right? Why did I have to apologize like that over something that isn't real? So after he ignored me, I ignored him in return. I didn't know if this was the smartest move. I guess frustration and anger got the best of me.

He began apologizing after noticing the shift in my mood. He said he's sorry for being childish.

“omfg i said im sorry i will never get mad at your fictional characters or whatever.”

I couldn't bring myself to forgive him that easily. The apology felt really insincere. Maybe I am as childish as him for being selfish and thinking about my feelings.

atomic girder Nov 23, 2025, 9:50 AM

#

I had pizza for brunch. Mother made it. It was tasty Yummers

#

Took a long nap after. I felt like I had been spending my time in my room way too much so I slept in the living room. Just my excuse for family time because I feel so detached from them. But of course, it didn't go well. Even as I slept, mother kept calling my name to spite me. My sister kept bothering me as a joke. I wasn't in the mood. I was tired and needed the sleep. I kind of yelled at them to stop. That was no excuse. I shouldn't have yelled. I should've stayed cool headed, tired or not. There goes my attempt to fix myself.

atomic girder Nov 23, 2025, 10:24 AM

#

Mother scolded me for lazing around. It's a Sunday. I wanted to spend my day to rest. I feel awful now. I should've slept longer.

#

Escaping to my room and music really helped calm me. I should note this for future me.

#

There goes my attempt of family time.

#

I should try again tomorrow.

Mother made juice for dinner. I love juice. It's my favorite. She always make sure we have a glass everyday. Right after I sat down by the table, scoldings after scoldings came rushing to me as if they were waiting for this moment. I couldn't handle it. So I quietly went back to my room. I didn't touch the juice. I only drank it after the kitchen was empty. The juice wasn't cold anymore, but I didn't mind. I feel bad wasting food.

Father's health has improved. That's what I can get after eavesdropping father's and mother's conversation. Creatinine's test results next week though. Hoping for the best!

Father's leaving today. I wanted to give him a warm goodbye but all I got was baseless accusation because of an irrelevant comment mother made. I always hated when she does that. At the end, all I did was giving him a hug. I didn't get to have a deep conversation with him as I planned on his short stay.

I skipped dinner again.

atomic girder Nov 23, 2025, 10:33 PM

#

Didn't start with a great morning today. I overslept. And we're running late. I feel awful. I hope I don't ruin the mood tho.

atomic girder Nov 24, 2025, 12:37 AM

#

It went great after. Fortunately no conflict between me, mother, and my sister.

#

I had coffee before class. I tried the nappuccino method. But for 20 minutes I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know what went wrong there. I would probably try again tomorrow if I still have money left.

atomic girder Nov 24, 2025, 7:55 AM

#

I enjoyed school today! I had a conversation with my friends before they changed the topic to something I'm not familiar with. They were talking about what makeup suits best for them for our photoshoot. I could only listen in. I didn't understand what they were talking about. They did tell me they were going to help me do my makeup during the photoshoot, but that just made me feel like a burden. I can still remember them judging me the first time I told them I don't know anything about how to use those. Didn't feel too good.

#

I tried the nappucino method one more time during break. It kind of worked!

#

My friends are going to go shopping again today. I didn't feel like going. I'm too exhausted.

#

Luckily they assumed I couldn't go because of my house rule. I didn't need to come up with an excuse.

atomic girder Nov 24, 2025, 8:46 AM

#

I dipped school 15mins before the bell rang. I rode my bike as fast as I could. I locked eyes with my chemistry teacher. I just smiled at her before escaping through the gates. I couldn't stop. I was riding too fast. I thought I was in trouble. I didn't have my visor on. But hopefully she doesn't recognize me.

#

I made it home safely. Though my mind blanked in the middle of the road again. I should really check what that's about.

atomic girder Nov 24, 2025, 9:38 AM

#

I tried talking to mother about makeup, explaining her what my friends told me. I just need to tell her that I needed money to buy this foundation that suits my skin tone. I have a darker skin tone than mother so our shade naturally is different. I can borrow the rest from my friends. But before I could tell her the main reason I brought this topic up, she began complaining how I'm exaggerating and our skin tone is really just the same. She doesn't get it. She didn't even let me explain about different shades and other stuff my friends told me about makeup. Mother's never really a fan of it, so I can understand why she didn't get it. But what pissed me off was that she refuses to listen to my explanation. At all. She's really stubborn. I felt frustrated and kind of yelled at her. I shouldn't have done that. I told myself I'd change and hold back my emotion whenever I'm mad. But I guess I failed today.

atomic girder Nov 24, 2025, 3:06 PM

#

I fell asleep after my online class. The exhaustion hit me like a truck. Slept for two hours, tho. Didn't forget laundry this time.

#

I skipped dinner again.

atomic girder Nov 24, 2025, 9:33 PM

#

Didn't start it off with a good morning.

#

Mother yelled at me for forgetting dinner, I can understand why.

#

It was my fault after all.

#

But I didn't like the fact that she was nagging me early in the morning. She called me a little piece of shit because I asked if it was necessary to make the morning feel like shit. She must have misheard and thought I was calling her a piece of shit.

#

I mean, it's not the first time she called me names, but it still hurts.

#

I should have approached the situation differently. I should have held my tongue.

#

Maybe I could have avoided this ugly situation.

atomic girder Nov 24, 2025, 11:31 PM

#

I really lost my cool this morning

#

I had a fight with my sister over a watch. Yeah, pretty childish.

#

But she kept raising her voice at me.

#

She began calling me names which are pretty hurtful.

#

I can't understand why it was so easy for them to insult someone else.

#

I apologized three times, because I knew it was probably my fault the fight happened.

#

But she kept going.

#

I apologized again, she threw another insult at me.

#

I managed to keep it in, though.

#

I didn't yell at her. Didn't insult her back.

#

But it still hurts.

#

At the end, I left the house without her.

#

I thought if I ride alone today, it would be for the better. Minimizes the chance of a crash happening in case we fight in the middle of the road.

#

She didn't appreciate it.

#

I feel so shit after.

#

Kind of feel bad for her, for having an unreliable, emotionally unstable older sister.

#

I should take note and change that too.

atomic girder Nov 25, 2025, 12:56 AM

#

I forgot to have breakfast and left my lunch at the table. Really, I shouldn't have left the house out of spite.

atomic girder Nov 25, 2025, 5:50 AM

#

School ended early because it's teacher's day here.

#

Gave flowers to a bunch of my favorite teachers.

#

They smiled. Really smiled. I'm so glad me and my friends decided to buy more than a bouquet.

#

I blasted music on my way home. I don't think it's safe tho, but I wanted to try it.

#

My mind still blanked randomly out of nowhere. Music didn't help. I should really get that checked.

atomic girder Nov 25, 2025, 11:01 AM

#

House was empty. I decided to take a nap and I did not regret. It's been a while since I slept that well.

#

Woke up to a few missed calls. I feel tired just looking at the screen.

#

I did it again, avoiding people whenever I feel tired.

#

A lot of unread messages and I'm already feeling overwhelmed.

#

I should fix that.

atomic girder Nov 25, 2025, 3:10 PM

#

Things are getting better between me and my family tonight.

#

Hopefully it stays that way.

#

I skipped dinner.

atomic girder Nov 26, 2025, 6:08 AM

#

Didn't start it off with a great morning today.

#

I overslept again.

#

Luckily no fights this morning.

#

Brother's ill so I only had to ride my sister to school. Mind blanked again. It got worse. Almost hit another biker. Luckily I pulled the break on time.

#

Left my wallet behind. Guess I've been forgetting a lot of stuff recently.

#

Finals starts today. Finished biology and history.

#

I was honestly struggling. But I guess it was my fault. I crammed last minute.

#

Friends of mine said biology was rather easy tho.

#

They crammed too.

#

I felt really dumb after.

#

I should take this as a lesson not to procrastinate and cram again.

#

The ride way home went okay.

#

No blank minds. Maybe because I was talking to my sister through the whole ride.

atomic girder Nov 26, 2025, 10:58 AM

#

I took a nap as soon as I arrived home.

#

Woke up to heavy rain and an empty house.

#

Not that I mind, though. It's really peaceful.

#

They were probably out to get my brother to the hospital.

atomic girder Nov 26, 2025, 11:42 AM

#

I'm genuinely lost. I don't feel what I used to feel with my bf anymore because I feel like he has changed. Or maybe I changed. I can't really tell. Him being jealous and sensitive over small things. I can't even joke with my friends without watching, thinking how he would react. I feel so uneasy. I don't know if this is normal. This is my first time being in a relationship after all. Honestly, I feel it was really impulsive of me to say yes to him. And I feel like I can't even end things between us because we're both in a lot of same group chats with our friends. I don't want to make things awkward. But I'm really, really tired. I feel so awful. This is probably my fault too. I should look into this.

atomic girder Nov 26, 2025, 4:51 PM

#

I fell asleep right after my online class finished.

#

I skipped dinner again.

atomic girder Nov 26, 2025, 10:50 PM

#

Started off with a great morning

#

Hope the rest of the day's the same

Today was okay. No unnecessary dramas or fight. Nothing notable to write as well. Exams went alright and I ad a safe ride home. House was empty when we got there. My sister fell asleep right after she hit the bed. I just zoned out for like a few minutes before I decided to eat my brother's stash of chips. There was no food in the house and I kind of needed something to chew on. I slept during my online class tho and realized I skipped a bunch of quizzes. If father hears about this I'm cooked. I forgot to do the laundry but thankfully mother's in a good mood. I skipped dinner again.

atomic girder Nov 27, 2025, 9:53 PM

#

Started off with an okay morning today.

atomic girder Nov 28, 2025, 8:43 AM

#

I'm more confident in today's exam. Maybe because it's something I'm good at. It went great. We did discuss about our biology exam, which was held two days ago. I felt really dumb. I couldn't answer most of the questions and went with my gut. A friend of mine, she's very smart. She managed to answer the questions with ease. She did study for it, so I understand why. And she has big dreams set for her future (mostly because pressure from her parents). So of course she pays close attention to her grades, unlike me. My parents wish I was more like her, though. I realized today that I began comparing myself to her. I didn't like the feeling of being left behind in studies and I certainly didn't like the feeling of being compared to. So I took the time to think and managed to change my thoughts. Instead of comparing myself, I should set her as an example, as someone that motivates me to actually put effort in my studies. Easier said than done, though. I keep subconsciously thinking about what she would do and ended up feeling jealous for her smartness. That's such an ugly thought to have. There is no way I'm healing if I keep thinking like this.

#

I finally opened the group chat of my online friends and said hi after going MIA for about 2 months. Honestly, I needed a break. But I didn't regret checking up on them. They're still the same people I knew. Some of them unfortunately left though and things weren't like how they were used to be. It's kind of sad how most of us left the group because of certain things I do not know. I didn't feel like asking about the details of what happened because it was probably a sensitive topic to all of them, so I only got the gist of it. Hey, I'm just glad some of them are okay.

#

I reached out to one of the few people that left. I heard two kinds of stories from both parties. An incomplete one, they gave me vague explanation of what happened. I understand, though. I was gone for two months, they probably don't want to stress over stuff that happened in the past and was already dealt with. I don't want to side with anyone. They're my friends. I don't know if this is a good choice or not but I'll just be a bystander for now. Really, I hate taking sides.

atomic girder Dec 2, 2025, 10:34 AM

#

I realized now that writing a journal is rather hard for me floorcry I keep forgetting to write and ended up bottling up.

#

The past few days has been a rollercoaster for me.

#

I keep getting into fights with my sister, which I was hoping to improve, but I lost my cool way too many times and I know I was supposed to just let her because I'm not the only one struggling here but I ended up yelling at her again.

#

This actually made me feel bad because I'm trying to fix myself to fix the ugly situation around me but I actually made it worse instead.

#

I also encountered a lot of misunderstanding with my mother because of a dress. For the yearbook theme. No offense to her, I respect her taste in fashion, but my friends don't think her choice in the dress suit the theme.

#

I can see why though, I don't blame them.

#

But this exhausts me because I'm trying to find a dress that would please my friend and my mother.

#

I almost cried this morning because we were talking about dresses all day long. I don't enjoy shopping for clothes, too much pressure from me. But that's kind of my problem too.

#

"Dress for yourself." I don't think I dress for myself though, I always feel unconfident(?) in my choice of clothing because of words said to me from my friends and mother.

#

Hence why I really despise this year's clothe shopping.

#

And last but not least, my relationship with my bf.

#

We're not really in a relationship just yet, but all the affection he gives me is overwhelming and I kind of feel burdened by it(?) I don't know how to describe this.

#

And he doesn't realize this, but every single act of his makes me feel more and more insecure about myself.

#

He loves to brag, I notice that.

#

In EVERY single aspect, whether it's good or bad.

#

He really loves to compare.

#

And I don't.

#

I hate it.

#

But that's not what has been bothering me the most.

#

He's like, really smart and I know. But I hate it. I really hate it when he goes, "Oh, I forgot I have a test today," EVERY SINGLE TIME AND THEN SAY, "Oh, I did bad. I crammed only the last 10 minutes and got a 188 out of 200."

#

I know he wants to brag because he wants me to see the best of him but I have insecurities when it comes to grade specifically.

#

I am academically challenged. I have good grades but never the best, but my family expects more from me and I want to prove them right but the motivation isn't there. I tried. I fucking tried.

#

I keep trying, I get sidetracked, suddenly I don't feel like I have what it takes, I got too deep into thinking instead of doing it, excuses excuses excuses.

#

Yeah, I'm probably in the wrong here but the way he acts that he's not smart enough pisses me off.

#

I'm rambling now.

#

Anyway, the way he "looks down on himself" but still "showing off" just doesn't sit right with me. I don't know how to put it into words.

#

This gotta be ragebait.

#

Or I just have low self esteem.

#

I gotta fix that too.

atomic girder Dec 6, 2025, 7:51 AM

#

Let's just say this week, hasn't been the best

#

With him, with my family, even with my friends

#

Funny

#

I genuinely thought they were good friends

#

I loved them so much that hearing them talk about me behind my back kind of hurts

#

"No matter how clueless a person is, how can they not even put on a little makeup? What a weirdo." Well, I'm sorry I grew up in a family who knows anything about make-up, alright?

#

Yeah, I overheard them talking about me

#

And here I thought they really were eager to teach me how to use one

#

Lol looking back I'm so foolish

#

I decided not to ask them for help tho

#

Worse part, the one who made that comment was the friend I opened up to

#

I feel so shit

#

And I just know that wasn't her first comment about me

#

And there's my father who came home after two weeks

#

Hey, I thought we're going to have a family time

#

Not yelling, berating, and telling me to fuck myself and die because "that's what I want"

#

I was asleep

#

I woke up to those words

#

Because he thought I'd rather spend my whole life upstairs

#

I'm the only one sleeping on the second floor

#

"I can't be bothered to check up every day. Just let her become a skeleton and die upstairs if she doesn't want to eat." I don't know what the context was

#

I ate dinner, didn't skip it

#

I had breakfast, didn't skip it

#

Was that comment necessary?

#

Why do you sound like you hate me so much, dad?

#

I fucking look up to you, and I still do

#

Why do you think I try so hard?

#

Why do you think I'd rather choose you over mom?

#

Why do you think I keep looking for your validation?

#

Why is it always me that you comment these fucking hurtful things?

#

Every single time

#

Every single words you utter makes me feel absolute shit

#

And yet I still look for your validation

#

I even ignored mom's offer to help me because I fucking look up to you so why can't you just fucking look at me?

#

And last but not least, him

#

I really, really want to end things with him

#

I've been feeling so overwhelmed

#

But he keeps stiring up drama

#

Every single fucking time in our friend group

#

"Do you even love me? It feels like you don't" buddy can't you just tell me in private?

#

Do you have to say that in front of our friends?

#

I'm trying to love you like I used to

#

Funny, we're not even dating but we act like we are

#

You act like we are

#

You act all possessive and jealous over little shits I do with other people

#

I feel so shit

#

And here I told myself I'll try to heal 😂

#

What a shitshow

#

Damn it, I ended up venting

#

sadness I should fix that too

atomic girder Dec 6, 2025, 10:38 PM

#

Morning did not start of great today

#

I feel awful so I canceled swimming

#

I'm beginning to feel more doubts regarding him

#

I know it's bad when I can't tell if he's joking or not

#

And I'm in a sour mood, which I don't know what caused it

#

And it sucks

#

Hopefully day goes well today

atomic girder Dec 7, 2025, 2:37 AM

#

I decided to try something entirely different this Sunday

#

I'll start by making plans. Not social ones tho, I don't have the energy to meet anyone

#

Not that I want to meet them in the first place

#

I'll make a mini schedule for me, maybe also a routine for my healthcare (I feel like I've been neglecting my health for too long)

#

I'm going to ask mother to help me learn how to use make-up so I don't have to bother her or my friends when the photoshoot happens

#

It's going to take a lot of my mental energy but I want to change

#

I should set up my room as well, maybe change things a bit so I feel comfortable

#

-# it's already like heaven but a small change doesn't hurt

#

Maybe I'll set some time aside to learn how to draw as well

#

I feel like today's going to be okay

atomic girder Dec 8, 2025, 2:40 AM

#

Everything went wrong yesterday nosleep

#

I almost of my bike but bruised my knee

#

Tried dressing up but I ended up being unappreciative of myself

#

Had another rather tense conversation with him. Istg every time something comes up about him I never feel at ease.

#

I raised my voice against my parents, which I know it's clearly my fault

#

Well, this morning didn't start off great as well.

#

I ended up having another fight with mother and my sister

#

Everytime I tried fixing things, it went downhill

#

I don't know what went wrong there

#

I'll just hope today goes different

atomic girder Dec 8, 2025, 9:13 AM

#

Class ended 3hrs earlier than usual Joy

#

But I've been doing nothing except lay down all day... I feel so unproductive hMM

#

I'm going to start learning how to draw just so I spend my time doing something instead of staring the ceiling all day

#

Or maybe I learn how to pick up the piano again

#

Or learn how to play a guitar

#

Listing the things I want to do is always easy Yummers

#

I just need the energy... but somehow I feel extremely tired today

atomic girder Dec 8, 2025, 9:47 PM

#

Morning wasn't really okay

#

Yesterday was uneventful as well... I fell asleep and wasted 12hrs of my day passed out

#

Opened my phone only to find several messages from friends and assignments they gave last minute which was due today

#

I feel so overwhelmed but I can't even blame anyone but me

#

Let's just hope it doesn't go awry from here

atomic girder Dec 8, 2025, 10:49 PM

#

I jinxed it, didn't I?

#

Not even a minute and I already fought with my sister

atomic girder Dec 9, 2025, 8:35 AM

#

Just got home with a fresh mind

#

Setting goals and actually do something productive is what I'm trying to aim today

#

Doesn't have to be something new, at least I'm not lazying around Joy

#

Do it now, never later

atomic girder Dec 9, 2025, 12:12 PM

#

Well, that went great.

#

Just as I was beginning to try. I forgot to do the one thing mother told me not to leave behind. And all I got was berating and blame.

#

I feel so awful.

#

I guess I'll try tomorrow, suddenly I feel like just sleeping it off tonight to forget today.

#

A habit I developed to forget stuff that made me feel like shit. I sleep it off and completely ignore the memory. The feeling will still be there tho, but I won't be able to remember the cause.

#

I feel like I should fix that too.

#

There are a lot of stuff I need to fix about myself. I'll get there one at a time.

atomic girder Dec 9, 2025, 11:40 PM

#

Good morning

#

Yeah, finally a good morning.

#

I decided to skip school today, because nothing important is happening there.

#

Maybe I will get things done today, considering I have all the time in the world.

atomic girder Dec 10, 2025, 3:57 AM

#

HELP. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE GOING TO TELL MY DAD floorcry

#

Thank god he's fine with it.

atomic girder Dec 11, 2025, 1:04 AM

#

Good morning!

#

Started off with a clean slate today! Except for the fact that I fought yet again with my sister.

#

I helped mother cleaning our front yard. I did it half-heartedly at first but ended up doing more than I intended. I'm glad I decided to help out at the end.

#

I FINALLY SAW MY NEIGHBOR'S HUSKIES. They're so big and fluffy, but I'm too shy to say hi.

#

I also found a bug. A grasshopper. It's really rare to find one around my neighborhood, considering its state.

#

These two are my best shot of it.

#

#

I have never seen a grasshopper this green. I'm sure if I explore the world one day, there'd be tons of its kind.

#

Which reminds me, can I still find fireflies out there? I heard it's going instinct.

#

Oh, I wish I can grow up fast enough to travel and see where they were most sighted.

atomic girder Dec 12, 2025, 1:59 AM

#

If I put aside the fact that I managed to play with my friends last night, yesterday was hell. I don't want to remember what happened. Knowing that I still come back here to sort my thoughts, I don't think I want to write it down. Hopefully I can forget about it overtime.

#

I'm so tired, why the hell can't I fix this.

#

I had little to no sleep at all last night ohshit

#

I lost track of time playing with them just because I wanted to escape the situation I was in.

#

I managed to finish laundry on time, though.

#

nosleep

#

I remembered that we ran out of coffee at home because mother drank them all.

#

Boy, if father was here, my coffee stash wouldn't last a week.

#

But since it's December, that means monthly allowance!

#

I can buy one outside.

#

I'm really tired, so I should probably get a cup or two.

#

Class today is chaotic as hell. Everyone's busy cooking their own project because our grade depends on it.

#

My group made cendol. It looks so good.

#

Unfortunately, I don't have the appetite.

#

Today's free lunch also looks delicious. But I'm not hungry.

#

Weird, I'm usually hungry all the time.

#

Just thinking of food makes me sick, I should get that checked.

atomic girder Dec 13, 2025, 2:49 AM

#

I had a long conversation with my friend yesterday after school about totally anything I can think of. I felt really awful tho, it feels like I talk too much. I enjoyed it when it happened, but looking back I rethink every word choices and topics I had brought up. I hate this feeling.

#

I played minecraft with my friends after that convo. Another friend group, they are always online whenever I login. I'm a bit envious of them. I wish I can play all day.

#

So I did something which I usually wouldn't do if my parents were watching me, I stayed up late after my online class and played until the sun rises. Mother didn't appreciate the act, and she got mad at me. I understand, though. It's my fault after all.

#

I found out about subliminal just recently. So after I got caught, I set up my phone as it played the audio I was recommended to. I don't know if it will work though. But it's worth a shot.

#

I had 6hrs of sleep today, which is an improvement because I usually get less due to assignments and school.

#

Woke up with a great feeling and I surprisingly had a nice convo with my sister. I loved every second of it. I wish we both can stay like this without ever needing a pointless fight again.

atomic girder Dec 13, 2025, 10:45 AM

#

Funny how you can start the day perfectly fine and one news just ruined it all.

#

I just found out they're going to demolish my old house in the town I used to live in.

#

And here I was, planning to visit it next year. And the year after. And then another year after that.

#

I've been feeling homesick ever since we moved out. And it's been over a year already.

#

No one said a damn thing about this and I had to find out throught a convo between mother and father.

#

That house was everything to me.

#

When I told mother about this, all she said was to let it go. It's just a house after all.

#

Surprise, I have attachment issues to basically everything in my life.

atomic girder Dec 13, 2025, 11:15 AM

#

Seeing back, my bio and the current situation I'm in contradict each other.

#

sadness

atomic girder Dec 15, 2025, 2:30 AM

#

I forgot to write yesterday.

#

Things got really busy.

#

The photoshoot went well

#

I had so much fun.

#

I had a talk with mother at the car tho. She cried.

#

I feel so awful.

#

But I couldn't cry because it would ruin the make-up mother put on me.

#

Me and him decided to take a break. I was the one who inititated. I couldn't stand the thought of hating me when everyone else keep saying, "He's a good person, he's kind." I know. I know he is. But sometimes he get's really childish it is so unbearable.

#

Why can't he just say it right to my face if how I act bothers him?

#

And because of dramas that he caused in the past, I can't tell anymore whether he's just "joking" or not and it's keeping me restless.

#

I really want to end things between us. Just keep it friends. We were fine when we were just friends.

#

But now that he wants more, I don't know anymore.

#

Thinking about it overwhelms me.

atomic girder Dec 15, 2025, 3:25 AM

#

I want to try writing but I don't know where to start.

#

My vocabulary is rather limited after all.

atomic girder Dec 15, 2025, 8:45 AM

#

The package I bought for my friend's birthday gift has arrived!

#

The size was not what I expected but at least I have one less thing to worry about.

#

I keep avoiding whenever I see him online. I really, really don't want to hate him. But I'm not ready to tell him the truth.

atomic girder Dec 15, 2025, 11:57 AM

#

He dmed me on insta. I haven't opened that app in ages. I don't know why he did that.

atomic girder Dec 16, 2025, 8:08 AM

#

UNI tour went great today!

#

My motivation spiked like crazy.

#

But I don't know if I really want to take down this path.

#

Once I take it, I know there's no going back.

#

Even mother noticed it too.

#

Still haven't talked to him today. I don't have the guts.

#

A friend told me I'm boring.

#

I guess I am.

#

I don't want to be, though.

#

But I feel like I failed her as a friend.

#

Because she stopped looking for me

#

sadness my comments are boring, how I react are boring.

#

I genuinely want to be a good friend for her. But I guess we aren't fit for each other.

#

Dumping pics I took today here. This UNI seems so cool I kind of wish I wanted to go here.

atomic girder Dec 16, 2025, 10:55 PM

#

I'm so envious of other people hMM they know who they are and know who they want to be.

#

I want to know more about myself too. I want to know what I want, what I want to be. Imagine all the things I can do if I just stop being scared of myself Joy

#

Or maybe I'm just scared of getting out of my comfort zone.

atomic girder Dec 17, 2025, 12:27 AM

#

I need to actually stop procrastinating but I don't know how. I feel so tired all the time. I should fix this.

atomic girder Dec 17, 2025, 1:09 AM

#

I realized that I avoid situations I find uncomfortable with rather than facing them. And I know it's not good for the long run. I don't know what to do.

atomic girder Dec 17, 2025, 9:04 AM

#

I just finished watching Zootopia 2 and I'm giggling like crazy right now. I know it's platonic between the two main characters but takemylove they're just too cute.

#

I've seen a lot of TikToks about those two ever since the movie came out and it's really feeding my headcanon.

#

Sometimes I wish romance happens to me and then regrets it when it actually happens to me. I don't know why. I really do love romance but when someone shows an interest in me I feel extremely uncomfortable.

#

I think that's just me, though. Maybe I should seek a therapist. But I kind of don't want to.

atomic girder Dec 17, 2025, 11:18 AM

#

I don't feel like eating dinner tonight. Mother wants me to come downstairs and take a bite. But I don't have the energy nor do I have the appetite.

#

Oh hey, it kind of rhymes blobnomcookie

atomic girder Dec 17, 2025, 11:46 PM

#

I tried.

#

I tried everything I could to keep my tone low.

#

She's still my sister at the end of the day.

#

But damn, she really has no respect for me nosleep

#

I'm trying my best to be a role model here for you and him, btw.

#

But you're not making this easy for me. I always feel like screaming into your ears every single time cause you really are pissing me off rn. hMM

#

I'm sorry tho, I'll try harder.

atomic girder Dec 18, 2025, 9:19 AM

#

I'm getting my report card tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell. I know my grades dropped though. I can feel it. Hopefully they won't scold me as badly as I thought. I'm kind of scared of how they would react, to be honest.

atomic girder Dec 18, 2025, 2:52 PM

#

Me and my sister decided to switch our duty around the house. She does the laundry and I do the dishes. There was a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink. I agreed without thinking. Besides, I can use a little bit of change. I got bored in doing the laundry too.

#

But then, I broke mother's mug while washing the dishes. The handle was made of plastic. I didn't know it was that fragile so I washed it like other mugs (the others are made of glass). It snapped and I panicked. I haven't told her about it. We're not really on good terms right now because of a small thing I'd rather not remember. If she founds out, I'm in trouble.

atomic girder Dec 18, 2025, 10:06 PM

#

Good morning! I woke up earlier than planned. And I'm really really scared. I'm not ready to get scolded at. But I know I deserve it because my grades dropped.

#

It's just a hunch, but it's a pretty strong feeling. I can't lie to myself and say, "You did great. Your grades would probably improve."

#

I just know it dropped. Especially in biology. Oh dear, if mother and father knows about biology, I'm so screwed.

#

nosleep

#

I talked it out with him yesterday. Told him I'm ready for a change. But honestly, I'm really really exhausted and I want to just end whatever we have between us. It'll be awkward between our friends but I'm so tired. I'm planning to give it another chance. Maybe until February or January? I don't know. I don't like the way he boast and look down on others. I don't like it when he showed off. And I don't like the fact that he throws away the word, "I'm jobless," around like he's proud of it.

#

I don't enjoy the way he always asks for my affection and one single short word made him assume I'm mad at him.

#

Im my family, we don't yell "I love you" around every single day and every hour because that defeats its purpose. You show that you love them, not just words.

#

But he can't even remember the small things about me (another thing I don't like about him). And he joke it around, saying he has "dementia" when we both clearly know he doesn't.

#

I don't want to fill my journal about him so let's leave it at that.

atomic girder Dec 19, 2025, 12:54 AM

#

I feel sick as hell. I don't want to know what I get. I keep worrying about it and I can't help it. I'm not ready to get an earful.

atomic girder Dec 19, 2025, 10:22 PM

#

I was right. My grades dropped. I got nagged at, as usual. They hated it. I hated it.

#

For some people, two grades meant nothing. But when I told mother, oh I didn't like her tone when she said what she said to me.

#

I really need to accept the fact that I can't be just average.

#

sadness but sometimes, I wish they, I, can be satisfied with average grades.

atomic girder Dec 20, 2025, 11:51 PM

#

I always wondered why I tend to hide what I do from mother lately. It used to be way different. She told me I'd tell anything going on in my life when I was little. But then last night reminded me of the reason. The way she spoke, the way she reacted, the way she answered me. Those are the things I'm trying to avoid, hence why I mostly keep to myself now. I don't tell her stories about my day. I don't tell her how I feel or what has been bothering.

#

Mother has a habit of overreacting and raises her voice when unnecessary. I was setting the dinner table to eat because I was hungry. Then stuff happened and she yelled at me. She yelled at me in a berating way. Didn't even gave me the chance to say I was sorry. She just kept going. And so I asked her if she had to use that tone. She didn't have to yell at me. I understand I was wrong with only her expression. Clearly she wasn't trying to hide it. Oh, but she didn't appreciate my question and told me to shut up because I'm just a child and she's a parent. She has the right to yell. I feel awful. I gave up trying to talk to her and just went to do the dishes.

#

I was also staying up late tonight because I told myself this is going to be my last day fooling around before I lock in and focus on my entrance exam. Mother walked in without a knock and yelled at me. I was scared. Not because she found out I was playing in the middle of the night, but the fact she found me playing games with an online friend of mine. She doesn't believe in online friend much and she hates it. I know she does. She keeps asking question. What are you playing? Who is your friend and I'm asking who. Where is he from? What's his name? Well, I don't know. We're just online friends. We don't share our real name to each other and we don't dox ourselves by telling where we're from. I can't understand her with this one.

#

Writing this soured my mood. I'll just have to fix myself soon so she won't yell at me much anymore.

#

Hopefully I can fix it fast.

atomic girder Dec 21, 2025, 2:26 AM

#

Having dishes as my chore reminds me why I chose the dishes in our old house. It's really been a while since I did something I really enjoyed. It takes me a while to finish them because of the bubbles but it really brings me back. Joy

#

I haven't opened my messages for the past few days because I'm overwhelmed. But I know I have to text my teacher regarding an essay and I have to open the group chat to check on what's up. And I also have to prepare myself for a dinner party later. Social life isn't really my strongsuit. But mother hates it when I isolate myself.

atomic girder Dec 21, 2025, 8:12 AM

#

It's raining really heavily outside! I'm really happy but the timing isn't it. I'm supposed to find a quick present for my friend and attend her dinner party. I can't take the bike because it'll ruin my clothes and I still don't know how to drive a car. I asked mother to take me but she refused to even look at me, her eyes stuck to her phone as she played a casual game that'd take hours to finish. It kind of pissed me off. She always complained about me being on my phone but she's no different.

#

I don't want to take an uber because it's rather costly.

#

I guess I'll have to beg for her to take me.

#

Let's just hope the rain dies quickly.

atomic girder Dec 21, 2025, 1:38 PM

#

The rain did die! And I took my bike. I got lost on the way tho Flushed but it was fun! I had fun getting lost! I have a really bad social skill that if it were a grade, I'd definitely get an F. So getting lost and asking around for the way helps me a lot in improving my social anxiety. I know I have my phone and google, but I can't exactly ride while holding a phone now, can I? I'd be bound to get hit by other bikers or cars.

#

The dinner went great! I had a good laugh with my friends. And to my surprise, I got a gift from V! My birthday's a few days away tho, so she gave me an early birthday present! I was really happy. It's my second birthday present from a friend. Oh my god, I totally forgot. I told V this was my first birthday present, when it was in fact not. AC and S gave me a birthday present last year and I overlooked it. Oh dear, I bet they heard me screaming it was my first birthday present too. What if they think I didn't appreciate their gift? What if they think I lied for attention? Oh my god, I'm beginning to overthink again and I don't know what to do.

#

But that aside, I came home with a great feeling, right? I parked the bike, and entered the front door. A yell greeted my face. Brilliant. My mood went sour in an instant. I only told her that she didn't have to yell at my face. We could've had a normal conversation, right? Oh, but then she completely went off topic and began yelling at me about my online friends being pedophiles just because some of them were males. Completely out of the blue. I felt hurt, obviously. They were my friends. She doesn't even know them and yet she holds so much hostility towards a stranger that I only met once in a random online game and I probably would never meet or speak to them again.

#

I ended up yelling back at her. I know I shouldn't have. I know I just made the situation worse than it already was. But I couldn't help it. I was exhausted after a long night and I just needed a quick shower and a rest. Yeah, I yelled back at her in defense.

#

She told me I was insolent for talking back and I have no respect or whatsoever for my own parents. I didn't wait for her to finish. I immediately entered the bathroom and took a quick shower to clear my thoughts. I was so mad and frustrated I couldn't cry even as I felt like it. But the shower made me cool my head. Yeah, I got stuck in a self-blame cycle again.

#

It was my fault she yelled at me. It was my fault I yelled at her. I shouldn't have done that.

#

I should've held back.

#

I should've stayed quiet.

#

I should've known better.

#

So I apologized to her. I couldn't look into her eyes because I felt like crying out of frustration if I did. God, I don't want to hate her. Please, don't let me hate her.

#

I came up to her, I muttered a sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. She looked over her phone and told me to hug her. I didn't feel like it. I was still mad and frustrated at her, that I refused her hug. She simply shrugged and told me, "you're saying sorry just for the sake of it. You're not sorry if you won't hug me."

#

I wanted to yell and cry. But I held back. Since I made no move at all, she initiated a hug instead. I really tried to hold my tears there. I absolutely hate it if I cry in front of her. After the hug, she finally let me go and I left to my room.

#

Yeah, I cried right after ohshit I don't know why. But I cried.

#

Maybe because I was exhausted of all the yelling. Maybe I was just overstimulated from all the social activities I had during the dinner party. Maybe it's the fact that she didn't even apologize once for yelling at me because she has the right to do that due to the fact that she's my mother. I don't know. But I cried.

#

A perfect night, ruined in an instant.

#

Childish, I know. But I guess I just needed a cry tonight.

#

I'm at fault, obviously.

#

I should fix myself soon.

#

And I mean very soon, because I can't handle all the yelling.

#

Oh yeah! This is the meal I ordered! Yummers

#

That's all for today's journal.

atomic girder Dec 22, 2025, 12:26 AM

#

Didn't start it off with a great morning today. Hopefully it changes soon blobnomcookie

atomic girder Dec 22, 2025, 3:27 AM

#

Mother took me out for a mindless drive, and then dentist and grocery shopping. I know this is her way of attempting to reconcile because of last night. Funny, I couldn't refuse even if I wanted to. God, I love her so much I can't stay mad at her for long. I'm back home already. Not even a sorry throughout the ride. But we did reconcile, so yay. Joy

atomic girder Dec 22, 2025, 8:13 AM

#

Oh my god. Suddenly everything feels so real. I'm scared. nosleep

atomic girder Dec 22, 2025, 10:15 AM

#

Oh dear, I did not expect to hear my two favorite celebrity couple broke up.

#

hMM

atomic girder Dec 22, 2025, 1:28 PM

#

I honestly thought that everything was going well today! Had a good laugh with my sister, joked around with my brother, and the tension between me and mother was gone. Until I opened the family group chat. Wow, I did not expect that at all. My sister got rewarded from mother because she has been helping her around the house. Now I don't know where that came from. All I know is that I helped mother take care of the boarding house when she couldn't. I was the one who helped her pick up my brother when my sister whined and refused. I was the one who finished all the chores when my sister couldn't even bother to finish because she was busy playing a non-pausable game with her friends 24/7. I was the one who paid gas for our bike because I know my sister refused to take care of it. I was the one who helped mother tend our garden after a heavy rain because my sister was busy hanging out with her friends. And suddenly she was the hardworking one in the house. nosleep Don't get me wrong. I don't care about the money she got. I am questioning mother's decision of rewarding her when she literally refused most of the chores and mother had no choice but to throw them at me to finish. hMM

#

I'm probably overreacting. By tomorrow morning, I'll reread this and most likely would say, "I'm making a big deal out of an insignificant situation."

#

Anyways

#

Something happened

#

Hopefully it was someone joking

#

Because I heard a doorbell, right? I got out in an instant. Turned the lock and everything. I wasn't wearing appropriate clothes so I had to grab my hoodie. I really don't care what I use inside the house, but I don't want other people knowing how I was, lol. I got my hoodie, had it on, and opened the door. Boom. Nothing. No signs of a human presence. I really hoped it was someone silly playing with me. But no one. It was dead silent and empty. I got so terrified and slammed the door shut. Knowing the history of this house, I'm not supposed to be surprised. But I still am.

atomic girder Dec 23, 2025, 5:38 PM

#

Today, or yesterday to be exact, was extremely uneventful.

#

I was being unproductive and stayed in my room most of the times except for shower, bathroom, and food

#

According to mother I was giving an attitude because I didn't get money from her.

#

Is everything about money to them?

#

I honestly wonder.

#

I tried clarifying that my main concern is her action, not her rewards.

#

But of course, she ignored it.

#

I shouldn't be surprised at this point.

#

That doesn't change the fact that I feel unappreciated.

#

I shouldn't feel like this though, I know.

#

You're the eldest, Bel.

#

Do you expect to get rewarded every time you did your job?

#

Just a thanks would be nice, though.

#

But yeah, I'm not supposed to feel like this.

#

She's right.

#

I should fix this soon.

#

Can't always be the emotionally unstable child, or things might get awry.

atomic girder Dec 24, 2025, 11:45 AM

#

Started it off with a great and rather calming morning today!

#

Tho, I kind of did avoid facing mother and my sister to get my message across.

#

It didn't, by the way.

#

But I'm fine with it.

#

It's basically the norm now blobnomcookie

#

I had a nice chat with a friend too!

#

I get to know more about M and I'm really happy he looks for me when he feels sad or down.

#

M did ask if I had depression, which made me think real hard.

#

I'm not diagnosed and I hate to self-diognose myself.

#

So I'd like to believe I don't have it.

#

Mother once told me to seek a therapist, actually.

#

But I refused because I'm really scared of talking to strangers, haha.

#

Not to mention opening up to them, yikes.

#

It'd sound really awkward to me ohshit

#

Oh yeah, A asked me to play Roblox with her earlier this afternoon.

#

She got a new phone and she was wondering what the hype with Roblox was about.

#

She hated it mochi_kekw as expected.

#

But I actually had fun fooling around while she familiarized herself with the game.

#

After the game we locked in with our essay hMM the instant switch up was insane.

#

But I caught up with the topic, so I don't really mind.

#

What I do mind is that my teacher hasn't responded to my messages since two days ago.

#

I have no idea what to do here.

#

Maybe she's just extremely busy or enjoying the holiday with her family.

#

Aaaaand then dinner came.

#

Started off with a laugh between me and my family, as usual.

#

Until everyone stopped laughing and the usual scolding came.

#

Yeah, I'm the target, again nosleep

#

I pretended I didn't care, but I made the situation worse ohshit

#

And then I made myself feel worse.

#

It's like a cycle, at this point blurrycry

atomic girder Dec 24, 2025, 10:12 PM

#

Didn't start it off with a good morning today.

#

For some reason, my throat hurts.

#

Well, at least I have an excuse to make tea for myself Yummers

atomic girder Dec 24, 2025, 10:40 PM

#

I had another good chat with M today!

#

He sounded really happy.

#

He kept blaming himself for things out of his control.

#

I wish I can just walk through the screen and tell him to his face that he shouldn't ever think that way.

atomic girder Dec 25, 2025, 11:03 AM

#

So far so good!

#

I made more progress in my essay.

#

I had no fight with mother or my sister at all.

#

And I got to know more about my brother.

#

I had a long talk with mother about how she misses me telling her stories about anything going on in my life and a lot of other deep stuff.

#

Ofc, I couldn't cry in front of her ohshit I don't want her seeing my cry.

#

And I'm so happy (and not at the same time) for knowing more about myself.

#

I swing my leg when I feel nervous or uncomfortable which was totally out of the blue.

#

I didn't even realize I've been doing it until today's conversation.

#

And, I guess, the reason I've been having a lot of arguments with him is because I'm apparently the avoidant type?

#

It's a self-diognase thing, so I don't want to pull assumptions here.

#

But everything matches up, Idk.

#

I know I'm going to have to tell him sooner or later.

#

I've been struggling to let go of the past (very contradictory to my bio, Ik).

#

And I know I should, but a part of me is scared of letting it go.

#

Because to me, letting it go means forgetting about it.

#

And I don't want to forget about it.

#

I don't want to forget about my friends back in my old hometown or my old house where I spent half of my life at.

#

It's all about the mindset, though.

#

I know the theory letting it go doesn't mean you're forgetting about it.

#

But I don't know how to believe it.

#

I'm typing nonsense again confusedhuh

#

Even I don't understand what I'm typing, at this point.

#

There's this one quote that has been stuck in my mind lately.

#

Fake it til you make it.

#

And I am great at faking things.

#

Yummers

#

I feel like I can sleep tonight with a calm mind.

#

Merry Christmas!

atomic girder Dec 26, 2025, 4:41 PM

#

Nothing particularly special happened today.

#

I texted my teacher again, still no answer. I'm getting worried. I hope everything's okay.

#

I had another talk with mother. I'm trying to make it a habit at this point. To talk with them. I noticed I held a lot of grudges when it comes to her but I can never remember the exact reason why (it's a bad habit, I should fix that). We were talking about death today. Well, the past few days, actually. Mother began talking about granddad. I never met him. I don't know what he was like. I asked her if she cried during his funeral (I was curious and had a sudden interest about death lately, Idk why). She answered calmly. I expected her to start tearing up at the mention of him. I know she loved him dearly. But then mother told me that she never had ill feelings against him, hence why she never cried. Because she knew there was no hard feelings or misunderstandings between them. And I was like, damn, I don't want my parents to die with me still having conflicting feelings about them. So I'm going to start by sorting out my feelings on why I have these ugly feelings against mother and father.

atomic girder Dec 26, 2025, 5:07 PM

#

Then I began asking about grandma's death (from father's side). I listened to two perspectives of the story (obviously father and mother, but at dif time). We were in Amsterdam at the time. I was around 5 to 6 years old. One day, mother had a bad feeling. Grandma's health began deteriorating. Mother begged father to go to Indonesia ahead of us. Our flight was already around the corner, so father thought they still had time, she still had time. A few days before the flight, grandma passed away. Father told me he regretted not listening to mother. That was the second time I saw him cry in my entire life. Father doesn't cry much. He often bottles his emotions, which is why he's rather hard with his children. But when I saw him cry, I felt horrible. I wanted to comfort him, hug him, anything. But even I was sobbing while he cried. He looked like he kept blaming himself. Father loved grandma so much. I can't imagine his pain when she died and he wasn't by her side. He was her little boy after all.

The same goes for mother. Mother was like grandma's own daughter. The cookbook in my room was a gift from grandma to mother and father during their marriage. Mother sobbed. They weren't able to make it to her funeral or say their last goodbyes. I can't imagine the grief. I don't have much memory of her. But whenever I asked about grandma, either father or mother would answer as if they have stories to tell. Grandma was so loved, I wish I still have my memories when I was younger. Maybe that way, I can still remember her. But from these stories told to me, I just know she was an incredible and an amazing person.

#

Father's such a unique person. Maybe that's why I seek his validation more than mother's. I've only seen him cry twice in my entire life. The first time was when mother caught covid. I was in the room when he cried. No one saw it except me. That's when it struck to me that father's actually really scared. The second time was when father told me about his regret that he's still carrying until this moment. Grandma's death. It's such a rare moment that everytime he cries, I can't help but cry too because he looked so much different than the dad who keeps scolding me whenever I did something wrong or when I never listen to him or mother.

#

Another thing I noticed today is that I have a severe problem with procrastination. I keep procrastinating on everything. Dishes, house cleaning, even studying. Until mother told me to stop lying to myself that I can do it. Stop lying to them. That actually got me thinking. I'm not lying to myself, am I? I'm not sure anymore.

#

Well, I got a long way to go Yummers I'm sure I can fix them all as I go.

atomic girder Dec 27, 2025, 5:08 PM

#

Nothing particularly special happened today either.

#

I still struggle in finishing simple tasks handed to me and I feel so awful every time mother scolds me. I should fix this soon. I can't keep procrastinating on simple things.

#

Father will arrive at 5am. I can't wait.

#

I started learning the piano again because I was influenced by this youtuber who can play by ear and I'm really motivated to reach that state. But then again, I only play the piano for fun so the little voice in me told me that I won't be able to be like him.

#

I had another conversation with mother. I asked her if me playing the piano was considered a hobby or a talent (because I'm nowhere near a professional pianist, I only know super simple songs). I thought the answer would be hobby but she told me it can be considered a talent. I disagreed with her because I don't think I'm good enough for it to be considered as a talent. She told me that I don't have to "good enough in my standard" for it to become a talent. So I was like, huh, that makes sense but not at the same time. Well, I do make standards higher than I can reach so maybe that's why. Another thing I notice about myself. Setting standards way too high for me to actually achieve. But hey, fake it til you make it Yummers

atomic girder Dec 28, 2025, 6:31 PM

#

Nothing special happened today.

#

I went shopping with mother. Because I thought this was a good way to bond.

#

This looked oddly pretty, everything was yellow.

#

I felt pretty awful earlier. I knew my parents talked about me behind my back to discuss my odd behaviors recently but the words they chose to use just stings, yk?

#

My family woke me up around midnight with a cake. I felt really happy but also scared at the same time. I'm 18 now. Wow. That was quick.

#

The cake was a delight Yummers I enjoyed it so much.

#

And I love the presents! I didn't expect much, to be honest. But when I see the purple themed items behind the wrappers, I felt so happy. I love my family so much and I feel like I don't deserve all this, not with the way how I've been behaving lately.

#

Despite the increase of number in my age, I can't help but feel like it's not real.

#

I don't feel like I'm 18.

#

I'm super childish and immature. And I still am emotionally unstable.

#

I can't talk to strangers and I get anxious when I'm alone in public.

#

How does one feel 18, I wonder ohshit

atomic girder Dec 29, 2025, 3:22 AM

#

Started off with a great morning! Hopefully it stays this way Yummers

atomic girder Dec 29, 2025, 6:38 AM

#

One of the birthday wishes I got from my friends that I find rather interesting is "I hope you mature soon." Yeah, me too buddy. Me too mochi_kekw

atomic girder Dec 29, 2025, 9:26 AM

#

I went to the bookstore today! I was hoping I could haul a few English classics but left the store with nothing but a calendar and another hotwheel to add to my collection. Yummers

#

I'll get that novel when I finish this forsaken entrance exam.

atomic girder Dec 29, 2025, 10:49 AM

#

Omg, father told me he'd buy any 10 books that I want if I can get into any local uni with any major Yummers for a moment this spiked my motivation! Until certain things said around the house ohokay

#

Crazy how fast it went away. There goes my motivation nosleep sometimes I wonder what my problem is hMM

atomic girder Dec 29, 2025, 12:41 PM

#

Oh my god, I'm cooked ohshit

#

I set an alarm for 6am instead of pm and I ended up oversleeping clowned

#

What woke me up was a random alarm for 7:30 and a bottle I kicked off the bed blurrycry

atomic girder Dec 29, 2025, 4:07 PM

#

The most comical thing happened and I would like to remember this. My brother tried sneaking out of his room because he doesn't want to go to sleep. It's way past his bedtime. But every time he opens the door, it would creak so loud it woke up father from his slumber mochi_kekw and I find it really funny because he was acting all sneaky and stuff only to get caught at the end. He sounded so devastated when father told him to go back to bed too.

#

The little "aw" had me cracking up.

atomic girder Dec 29, 2025, 10:16 PM

#

Started off with great morning! Kind of Yummers

#

I'm just a bit sad that at end of the day, K never said anything about my birthday. I guess that's what distance does. I still think of her as my bsf. But I guess I'm no longer hers, who knows? I'm just glad she's doing well Joy

atomic girder Dec 30, 2025, 10:01 AM

#

I found my diary! I thought I lost it Flushed it's going to take a while to rewrite everything onto my diary but I don't mind at all Nekocat_sip

#

I'm just really glad it's back in my hands.

atomic girder Dec 30, 2025, 2:07 PM

#

I never told him I still have my social. I just said I'm leaving everything behind to focus on my studies. I never said I'd stop lurking (tbh I should). And I did not expect him to stop matching with me the moment I told him I deleted my social. He's matching with another girl. I don't know what to feel. Confused and pissed is definitely it. I started matching because he wanted to match with me even though I desperately wanted to keep my old pfp. And when I lurk out of curiosity of our gc's state, I found out another girl (apparently a new member because I have never seen her before) is matching with him. He could've told me if he wanted to end things between us, right? That way I don't have to pretend I still love him. I should've been blunt from the moment I realized I fell out of love for him. Maybe then I won't feel so pissed now. But hey, I told him I have my social deleted until April. So let's see by then. God, I have to be honest tho. I can't keep lying to him. It looked like he really loves her too, from my point of view. And you know what, I actually support. Man, just say you don't love me anymore so I can have my moment. Maybe, I just want him to break things between us instead of me coming forward declaring we're done so I won't feel bad about myself for ending whatever we have between us. Damn, I'm so selfish sadness yeah, this is madness. I'm ashamed of myself ohshit

#

A is coming over tomorrow. We're going to continue working on our essay that we have been postponing for quite a while. Our teacher hasn't answered to my messages yet regarding my consultation so that's one thing to think about tomorrow. But her visiting me is definitely what I needed. I have the motivation to clean my room. Like deep cleaning. Because I know she can't stand a messy room. And my room condition reflects my mental state. I don't want her to know that I'm unstable for the past few days. Let's just hope everyone goes to bed fairly quick today so I can get my cleaning done without being judged by my family (as in being judged, I meant them commenting on me cleaning my space just because I have someone coming over). Yummers

atomic girder Dec 31, 2025, 10:42 PM

#

Happy new year!

#

I forgot to write yesterday.

#

Yesterday was alright. We had dinner. A didn't get to come over because she forgot she has plans already. But I did manage to clean the second floor so that's the summary. For some reason, I can't remember what I felt yesterday.

#

But I guess it's just my coping mechanism Yummers

atomic girder Jan 1, 2026, 1:31 AM

#

Last night's dinner NekoCat_Donut

atomic girder Jan 1, 2026, 4:48 AM

#

Morning was rather different today.

#

Started the day with a bit of a jumpscare from a last minute call.

#

Apparently my relatives are coming over.

#

And we were not ready to recieve guests.

#

The state of our house is like a ship in the middle of a storm.

#

Everyone began working to clean the house.

#

My legs are so tired after running back and forth but it was worth it Yummers

atomic girder Jan 1, 2026, 9:23 AM

#

A visited a while ago!

#

Since my family and the others went out for lunch, I decided to stay behind because A was visiting.

#

We did a small discussion regarding our essay.

#

After that, we took a ride around my neighborhood and bought snacks and ice creams, because why not.

#

My lips were swollen because we ate spicy ramen after the ride.

#

I have always been weak when it comes to spicy food.

#

We had a good laugh.

#

And I'm genuinely happy to see her.

#

It's been a few weeks after all.

#

We're going to have a BBQ party in two days at V's house.

#

I can't wait to see the others.

atomic girder Jan 1, 2026, 10:09 AM

#

Noodles we made Yummers

atomic girder Jan 1, 2026, 6:59 PM

#

I didn't expect myself to wake up at midnight.

#

I guess I used way too much energy spending time with A.

#

Or it could be that I'm still not used to socializing, even when it's with just one person.

#

I don't want to have a low social battery, though.

#

I'm going to need to find a way to fix that.

atomic girder Jan 1, 2026, 10:31 PM

#

I ended up not sleeping because I was binge reading a manhwa that got updated in the site I used.

#

I love the character dynamic so much.

#

Joy

#

Reading stories like these made me want to learn how to animate those panels.

#

I've seen edits from instagram, where they animate scenes from a manhwa and I was so mesmerized it made me want to learn how to animate my favorite scenes.

#

I should probably get some sleep, though.

#

ohshit

atomic girder Jan 2, 2026, 3:54 AM

#

I feel so childish.

#

Usually, I would never mind myself.

#

I loved the way I am now.

#

But it's apparently childish to other people.

#

I don't want to be labeled as the childish friend anymore.

#

I'll figure how to change myself along the way Yummers

atomic girder Jan 2, 2026, 6:59 AM

#

God, I wish he would just say that he wants us to end.

#

I'm tired of pretending.

#

We both know he loves Grace now.

#

So why can't he just call it off between us blurrycry

#

I want to go back to the me who admires hot people online without feeling guilty.

#

At times like this, I wish I'm more bold enough.

atomic girder Jan 2, 2026, 10:47 AM

#

I don't know if I'm childish or he's not in his right mind.

#

I'm fine when he has female friends.

#

Hell, I can name a few.

#

But when I befriend a guy, suddenly I'm cheating.

#

Buddy, we're not even in a relationship nosleep

#

We're still a hts so why are you so hung up with who I talk to.

#

Oh, suddenly he's jealous.

#

Oh, suddenly he needs all my attention because I'm too close to another dude.

#

Do you even hear yourself?

#

I don't like this.

#

I'm getting restless the more I spend my time with him.

#

sadness can't he just come forward and end things, I'm so frustrated.

atomic girder Jan 2, 2026, 9:40 PM

#

Finally talked it out with someone else, and omg I feel so stupid.

#

I literally don't have to wait for him to end things because I'm scared of dramas between me and my friends.

#

Yummers I'm gonna talk to him and just be blunt with it.

#

And if things turn out badly, well I did my best 27990mesmerizermikushrug

#

I feel bad for him, but I can't keep pretending.

#

He was the one who cried because he was jealous over pixel men hMM

#

Wish you all the best, man nekotease hopefully you stop feeling insecure with men that doesn't exist.

#

Because honestly, that was the final straw for me.

#

And unlike you, I don't shit talk about these things to my friends for extra crisp for the drama.

#

That's just so childish omg

atomic girder Jan 3, 2026, 12:46 AM

#

I fought with mother again this morning.

#

She forced me to take a walk with them.

#

I told her no several times.

#

I had plans of my own for today.

#

But she insisted.

#

So I went.

#

I wasn't in the mood, though.

#

She noticed I was pissed.

#

And I can tell how hard she was trying to fix my mood.

#

I told her to stop trying.

#

Of course, she won't listen to me.

#

She just kept going and going.

#

I was getting overstimulated.

#

But she ignored the signs and just kept doing it.

#

Only until she noticed my tears that she stopped.

#

I just needed some time alone.

#

Was that really hard to understand?

#

I told her to leave me alone.

#

Several times.

#

Do I have to cry every time I need time to myself for you to get a hint?

#

And when I did broke down, I bet she would call me overreacting.

#

I'll talk to her again once I'm calm, but her way of forcing it to make it seem like we're alright and fix things between is overwhelming.

#

I can't take it.

#

This is why I hate being emotionally unstable.

#

I keep wasting my tears every time ohshit

atomic girder Jan 3, 2026, 2:33 AM

#

We went for breakfast, and I calmed down.

#

Me and mother began talking again.

#

We did not address the elephant in the room.

#

I don't think I want to either.

#

But we did reconcile.

#

Yummers

atomic girder Jan 3, 2026, 6:21 AM

#

I feel bothered knowing that something is wrong with me.

#

Sometimes I wonder why I'm like this nosleep

#

It doesn't benefit me at all.

#

It amazes and infuriates me how people can act like nothing happened right after a heated argument.

#

Father just proceeded with another conversation after our fight in the most natural tone ever.

#

I want to have that skill.

atomic girder Jan 4, 2026, 8:43 AM

#

I forgot to write yesterday.

#

I had a blast.

#

It was the first time I was able to spend a night out at a friend's house without getting scolded.

#

They actually let me hang out.

#

The BBQ went great as well.

#

I had lots of fun with everyone.

#

We even played fireworks for a bit.

#

Though, I noticed that my moods shifted throughout the night.

#

A was the one who mentioned it to me first.

#

She said I was so quiet all of a sudden.

#

I guess I was exhausted mentally?

#

I'm going to have to fix that.

atomic girder Jan 4, 2026, 11:36 AM

#

I just had a good laugh with my brother and sister.

#

I loved the feeling so much.

#

I wish we stay this way.

#

No petty fights or anything.

#

God, I would never trade them for the world even if they sometimes take my sanity away from me nosleep

#

Father's leaving today.

#

We were supposed to watch a movie together.

#

hMM I shouldn't have overslept.

atomic girder Jan 4, 2026, 2:06 PM

#

Just had dinner with father for the last time!

#

We went out today and I enjoyed our time a lot.

#

Fortunately, the mood with everyone was better than I expected.

#

He said he'll be back around 16 Jan.

#

Apparently, it's a national holiday by then.

#

And I have a feeling he's got a plan.

atomic girder Jan 4, 2026, 3:38 PM

#

School begins tomorrow!

#

A lot of my friends complained though, saying they're not ready and stuff.

#

But me personally, I kind of looking forward to it.

#

I don't know why.

#

I still hate school.

#

But I don't despise going.

atomic girder Jan 5, 2026, 3:57 PM

#

Today went okay.

#

School was alright.

#

Me and my friends were talking about our trip once we graduate.

#

It was supposed to be a 2 days trip.

#

But then again, I still have to ask for my parents' permission.

#

They hate it when I stay over at someone else's place.

#

And I did try and ask them about it.

#

I told them about our plans, all the savings I had for it, we even created a possible timeline.

#

Of course, I was kind of hoping they would agree.

#

We were looking forward to this after all.

#

But mother disagrees.

#

And of course, we had another fight because of this.

#

The main reason she wouldn't let me go was because she doesn't agree with the idea of me sleeping over.

#

And because she dislikes my friends.

#

It kinda hurt me when she said that.

#

I cherish them.

#

And then she wonders why I never tell her anything going on in my life anymore.

#

I don't know mom, I wonder why.

#

I kind of lost control of my emotions back there and stormed off.

#

I should have handled it smarter.

#

I should fix that.

#

A few minutes after the argument, A sent me a message.

#

The timing was impeccable.

#

Of course, I didn't tell her the full story.

#

But what I did get out of the argument with mother was that she would consider my trip if I do well on my entrance exam.

#

And that's what I told A.

#

She then voiced her concern.

#

Said that she hoped my parents would allow because the word "consider" is not a guarantee.

#

And that she was hoping I wouldn't stress myself too much.

#

I doubt I would, though.

#

I've been learning how to manage my time, so hopefully I'm not as stressful as last year.

#

What teared me up though, was this.

#

She had to bring it up.

#

sadness

#

I feel so sad now, what if I failed my entrance exam?

#

What if I passed but the answer from my parents were still no?

#

At least, now I have the motivation to beat the hell out of my SNBT.

#

But the what ifs are scaring me and I'm terrified.

#

I don't want to hold a grudge against mother.

#

But she's really making it hard for me.

#

I'm the problem though.

#

I know I am.

#

At least, that's what mother would've told me.

#

I should fix that too.

atomic girder Jan 6, 2026, 11:17 PM

#

I forgot to write yesterday.

#

But nothing special happened.

#

Except for the fact that I ended up oversharing again.

#

I really should fix that habit.

#

I skipped a whole day of classes to work on this essay.

#

I might skip today too.

#

I need to get this done.

#

I don't understand why my motivation disappears when the deadline's near.

#

Me and my sister discussed about getting our IELTS test together.

#

Mother would pay for it only if we both are serious about it.

#

She doesn't want half-assed results.

#

I ranked 141

#

Out of 300ish students.

#

Though that did not make me feel any better.

#

I can probably find a second rate uni.

#

But the competition in my school's really fierce.

#

I'm scared.

atomic girder Jan 8, 2026, 7:45 AM

#

Yesterday's decent.

#

I did not make much progress in my assignments.

#

And I ended up messing up my sleeping schedule.

#

I thought I was getting better, but I guess I was wrong.

#

Omg

#

I did not expect to get that notif.

#

I'm gonna write the rest later cause wth.

atomic girder Jan 8, 2026, 1:49 PM

#

Today went great.

#

Kind of.

#

Well, the first half of the day went great.

#

I had a good laugh with my friends.

#

The free lunch program was up and running again.

#

And of course, it's not a decent meal, but who am I to refuse free food?

#

Until the last period.

#

Mother messaged me and my sister that she was going to leave for a few days to visit our grandmother.

#

She fell because she was trying to break a fight.

#

Sometimes, grandma forgot that's she's old and frail now.

#

And I feel like her grandchildren should know better.

#

Were they out of their mind, fighting in front of her?

#

I don't understand their way of thinking.

#

How easily they let their emotions control them and completely ignored grandma's distress.

#

Grandma cried.

#

After she was sent to the hospital, grandma's inner thoughts became rather suicidal.

#

I overheard mother on the phone yesterday.

#

Grandma said something about being tired for everything.

#

And she was already talking about her own death.

#

Of course, mother would worry.

#

I can understand why she left home to visit her out of town.

#

But that means it's just me and my sister here.

#

No one to look after us.

#

Naturally, all the responsibility falls to me.

#

Cause I'm the first child and all, so that makes sense.

#

And because we're alone now, I get to know a bit more about my sister.

#

She rarely opens up.

#

Apparently, she's scared being alone.

#

So I told her I'd sleep downstairs with her.

#

Just to ease her mind.

#

Funny, when we were kids I was the one who would cry to her when no one was around to keep an eye out for us.

#

Literally.

#

But I kind of feel happy, it means that she isn't bothered by my presence at all.

#

I was always worried that she might hate me because of my outbursts every time I couldn't control my feelings.

#

Now, I think that's not the case.

#

Either way, it's a good way to bond with her now that it's only the two of us in this house.

atomic girder Jan 9, 2026, 8:33 AM

#

Today was rather alright.

#

A finished the essay before I had a say in anything, I feel awful.

#

I feel really useless.

#

I didn't get a decent group project for this presentation next week.

#

But it's alright, I'm sure I can talk it out with them.

#

But with my awful social skills, I don't think I'd be able to get my thoughts across.

#

It was raining heavily when me and my sister got home.

#

We didn't have our raincoats because I put them next to the freezer a few days back to dry.

#

So we ride through it.

#

Bad idea.

#

I forgot I was wearing a white uniform.

#

And it was completely see through because of how soaked I was.

#

My sister told me to pull over and let her take control so I can cover up.

#

But I wanted to go home quick.

#

So we both came up with a silly idea on the spot to cover me.

#

It was fun.

#

We had a good laugh.

atomic girder Jan 9, 2026, 5:47 PM

#

I managed to submit my essay a few minutes before the deadline.

#

I should feel happy and relieved.

#

But I certainly did not expect my sister to say those words to me right as I was falling asleep.

#

And I certainly did not expect myself to cry tonight.

#

Oh well, I'll fix things as I go Yummers

#

Just forget about it and move on, Bel. Like you always do.

#

You tried your best being her sister, but tonight was just not it.

#

She probably was having a bad day.

#

It's alright.

#

She probably was tired.

#

It's fine.

#

I should stop feeling this pathetic and actually need to remind myself every time that I'm the eldest child in this house.

#

hMM

#

Well, it kinda is second nature to me now, seeking validation to everyone in the family, no matter who it is nosleep

#

I'm so tired.

#

I'll just sleep it off.

#

Hopefully I can fix things tomorrow.

#

I should really fix myself.

atomic girder Jan 10, 2026, 3:15 AM

#

Funny.

#

I tried talking to mother last night.

#

To tell her about how I felt, because I thought she would understand.

#

But she ignored my messages.

#

Well, I ended up deleting every message I sent anyway.

#

Once again, I am reminded that I shouldn't really rely on anyone when it comes to my feelings.

#

Morning didn't start off great.

#

I hope it'll change soon.

atomic girder Jan 10, 2026, 8:49 AM

#

Oh, now she noticed my deleted messages.

#

12 hours after.

#

But I feel so drained just thinking about it, I don't feel like answering her message.

#

I know I have to.

#

I'll answer her when I think I'm calm.

#

My sister apologized to me right after I woke up.

#

I didn't have it in me to forgive her yet.

#

I know I should never hold a grudge against my family.

#

I'll try and fix that too.

#

But there is so much more in me that needs fixing.

#

Why can't I just be normal, I wonder.

#

Oh well.

#

I played with A today.

#

We hung out for a few hours and I had fun.

#

I didn't even realize we hung out for that long.

#

I finished a movie today too.

#

It lifted up my mood.

atomic girder Jan 11, 2026, 4:11 AM

#

I forgot to write the rest of my day.

#

But it went alright.

#

Me and my sister reconciled.

#

I answered all my unreads today, including mother's message.

#

It was rather draining, but it's alright.

#

I played with A and AC after.

#

We played together until 3 am, I didn't even know we were yapping and playing for that long.

#

But I had so much fun.

#

Mother's coming back today.

#

So that's one worry off my list.

atomic girder Jan 11, 2026, 10:18 PM

#

I went to an expo yesterday with V and her friends.

#

Turns out the uni we were aiming are out of our league.

#

90s are the bare minimum.

#

Mostly, they accept 95s.

#

I told mother about this.

#

Because my average grade is 90

#

And that's not even close to 95.

#

She told me to keep trying, don't let numbers discourage me.

#

Well, easier said than done.

atomic girder Jan 13, 2026, 9:54 AM

#

Yesterday went extremely well!

#

It was a calming day with no extra dramas.

#

I had so much fun.

#

I even visited a bookstore with A.

atomic girder Jan 13, 2026, 12:21 PM

#

I wish today didn't happen.

#

School was fun, as usual.

#

But I started the morning with a bit of a high tension with my sister.

#

She was oddly in a bad mood and she called me something I did not appreciate at all.

#

I wanted to yell back at her, but instead I held back and asked her why she was mad.

#

I felt a bit proud of myself back there.

#

I didn't lash out at her like I used to.

#

I thought I controlled my emotion pretty well this morning.

#

Well, after school ended, I decided to ask my parents about which uni I should take.

#

I get two options, and if I got rejected at both, then I'll take SNBT.

#

While discussing this, I got into a heated argument with mother.

#

It didn't have to end the way it did, but her words were just too hurtful.

#

I ended up crying, though.

#

I don't know why I did.

#

I always hated myself whenever I cry.

#

It's proof that I still don't have full control of my emotions that well.

#

I calmed down a bit after a call with father.

#

I apologized to mother for how I behaved as well.

#

I know she was mad when I walked out of the room.

#

We kind of did reconcile again.

#

I wish she apologized for the things she said, though.

#

But she didn't say anything.

#

But I'm sure if she reacted and said the words she said, I'm at fault.

#

I should fix myself soon.

atomic girder Jan 13, 2026, 7:27 PM

#

Me and father decided that it would be best to apply to uni outside of the island.

#

It was either UNSTAR or USK

#

But father dislikes USK because of some rumors.

#

So we took UNSTAR as my first choice.

#

My second choice, however, I chose UINJ because I have doubts of myself leaving this island.

#

Hopefully I get accepted in either.

#

If I get a red, then that's fine.

#

I still have plan B.

#

Turns out UNSTAR ranked 14 in terms of medical school, USK ranked 13, and UINJ ranked 38 in my country.

#

Not bad at all, I must say.

#

Still, I wish I worked harder and get better grades.

#

It's not enough.

#

I don't care if people said it's a good grade, it's just not enough.

#

Even my parents acknowledged that it could be better.

#

Yikes.

#

I did it again.

#

I should be grateful to even get a 9 in my report card ohshit

atomic girder Jan 13, 2026, 11:43 PM

#

Mother always told me to take any major that I wanted.

#

I finally set my mind on medical school because I wanted to become a nephrologist.

#

Well, apparently mother had other plans.

#

Last night, mother wanted me to do pharmacy.

#

Just because she thinks that pharmacists does the real job when it comes to saving lives and doctors can't do anything without them.

#

I really didn't like the way she belittled and looked down upon something that I have set my mind onto.

#

I don't think those two are supposed to be comparable in the first place.

#

Each has their own importance after all.

#

I kind of don't understand her way of thinking.

atomic girder Jan 15, 2026, 1:04 AM

#

Didn't start with a great morning.

#

I found out that the video I recorded for hours is lost.

#

It meant so much to me, and it's not just a simple video.

#

Everything's gone.

#

I can't find it in my phone, or in the trash files.

#

sadness

#

I should've backed them up.

#

How in the world did I lose them.

atomic girder Jan 15, 2026, 2:43 AM

#

It's a 2 hours video of my brother and me doing silly things.

#

It's gone.

#

It's a 4 hours video of me and my friends hanging out at V's place until late night.

#

That's also gone.

#

It's an hour of me just practicing the piano and that's also gone.

#

I feel like crying, but I'm in public right now.

#

I'm so reckless.

atomic girder Jan 15, 2026, 9:14 AM

#

I had a lot of fun at school.

#

But that's basically it.

#

I keep getting distracted whenever I'm with my friends.

#

I keep thinking about the lost videos.

#

I feel so awful.

#

I tried everything I could, but still nothing.

#

ohshit

#

I don't think I will ever recover.

#

I always rewatch those whenever I feel sad.

#

sadness

#

I don't think today's going to be a great day.

atomic girder Jan 15, 2026, 6:52 PM

#

It's really cold tonight.

atomic girder Jan 16, 2026, 1:25 PM

#

I wish I was better with words.

#

A lot of my friends confide to me when they need emotional support, but all I can do is be there for them.

#

I want to do more, but I know every time I open my mouth, nothing comes out.

#

I'm going to have to fix that too Yummers

atomic girder Jan 18, 2026, 1:10 AM

#

I forgot to write yesterday.

#

Yikes.

#

But my day was alright.

#

Kind of.

#

Except for the fact that I had a little argument with my parents again.

#

But we reconciled after.

atomic girder Jan 18, 2026, 11:32 AM

#

I got yelled at today.

#

It was entirely my fault, though.

#

I understand why they're mad at me.

#

Yeah, it's my fault.

#

I should fix that too.

atomic girder Jan 18, 2026, 11:53 AM

#

It kinda hurts, knowing that they didn't bother to pretend I couldn't hear when they were talking about me.

atomic girder Jan 18, 2026, 4:50 PM

#

I was studying like usual.

#

Talking to myself, laughing at myself, just to help me jog my memory.

#

When suddenly father walked into my room, I was so terrified.

#

I thought I saw a ghost nosleep

#

I guess he doesn't know about my habits of late night studying.

#

Weird, for some reason I can only focus when the house is really quiet.

#

Then he asked me if I was stressed because he heard me talking to myself.

#

blurrycry father, I'm fine.

#

I'm not going crazy.

#

This is my normal self, trust me.

#

I talk to myself to help me memorize.

#

Well, with his sudden entrance, it broke the flow I was in.

#

So, I figured I should study later after a quick nap.

#

Hopefully I'd be able to wake up around 1 or 2am.

#

Good night love

atomic girder Jan 18, 2026, 7:23 PM

#

Yikes.

#

I ended up not sleeping a wink.

#

It's almost 3am now ohshit

#

A quick shower and a review would do.

#

That should clear my mind.

atomic girder Jan 18, 2026, 10:44 PM

#

I understood the first half of the chapter but not the other half.

#

I still have a lot to catch up on.

#

nosleep

#

However, I did manage to get a 30min nap before my morning routine.

#

I told myself I'd reduce my caffeine consumption, but I think I need coffee clowned

atomic girder Jan 19, 2026, 10:17 AM

#

School was great today!

#

I managed to spend my day without coffee.

#

Coffee flavored candy not included, though mochi_kekw

#

I had a headache since this morning.

#

I don't know what the cause is.

#

I feel alright, but it's getting worse.

#

V told me it's because of my lack of sleep.

#

But I slept through Indonesian class, so I thought it paid off all the sleep I needed.

#

ohshit

#

It's really bothering me.

#

I have never felt this kind of headache before.

atomic girder Jan 19, 2026, 11:04 AM

#

I kind of disagrees with the way A expresses her dislike.

#

Yeah, she can be pretty blunt sometimes.

#

But it's hurtful to some people.

#

sadness

#

I don't know how to tell her, though.

atomic girder Jan 20, 2026, 3:58 AM

#

I don't really like my religion teacher.

#

I still can't control my nervousness when I have to go to the front for Quran recitation assessment.

#

I can read it just fine when I'm alone.

#

I don't know why.

#

But the moment I go up, I start fumbling over my words.

#

The worse part is he assumes I don't read the Quran regularly.

#

Even though I do read it at Maghrib.

#

I just don't like how he judges people based on a single observation.

#

I feel worse now.

atomic girder Jan 20, 2026, 6:57 PM

#

I feel like there's a distance between me and A.

#

Maybe it's just me.

#

I mean, she didn't say anything.

#

And she's just like her normal self.

#

But she's also the one in class who knows how screwed I am mentally.

#

I don't know.

#

I think I'm just scared of losing a friend.

atomic girder Jan 21, 2026, 10:32 AM

#

Today went great!

#

I had a lot of fun at school.

#

I also managed to muster up a courage and talk to D about my library card.

#

It's been almost 3 months, and he hasn't given it back.

#

Today's free food wasn't exactly desirable.

#

Luckily, I packed my own lunch for today.

#

Though, as school almost ended, the thought about uni makes me nervous again.

#

Mother doesn't want me to take unstar even though I discussed this with father already.

#

And apparently I can't choose any uni outside of mid java for my second option sadness

#

The system kind of pissed me off.

#

But it's alright.

#

I just need to try my hardest for utbk Yummers

#

Every time I see my friends studying for utbk, I feel a surge of motivation.

#

I just wish all of us manage to get into unis that we wanted Joy

atomic girder Jan 21, 2026, 10:32 PM

#

Started off with a great morning today!

#

I hope the rest of my day goes well Yummers

atomic girder Jan 22, 2026, 1:09 AM

#

She's so adorable huddlekittygiggle

torpid panther Jan 22, 2026, 2:40 AM

#

Um I came across your journal

atomic girder Jan 22, 2026, 4:21 AM

#

Oh, hi! Sorry, I don't really accept replies in my journal 8122mikucry

atomic girder Jan 22, 2026, 9:21 AM

#

School wasn't really what I expected.

#Bel's Journal