Austria’s Scibbles | Huddle | Page 4

left moat Mar 24, 2026, 6:26 PM

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why

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omg none of them even care

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My god

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I was right

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That server doesnt give a shit about me

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Jesus

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sad_scared

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fucking

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help

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shit shit shit

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well

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at least thats done…

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i dont have to worry about school work anymore…

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maybe she was right about me

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jesus

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I wish i could just turn off this stupid brain

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its driving me in circles

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I wish my music was louder

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Louder enough to drown them

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Loud enough to drown out the thoughts

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And take the feelings away with it

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Music has been my biggest regulator… and even though its not human, even it fails at its task soemtimes

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Im trying so hard

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And I dont feel like anyone sees how hard i am pushing

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And I dont feel like anyone sees me

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is it so selfish to want more than one person to see the quiet struggles

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im

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tired.

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Really tired.

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of staying so composed and “happy”

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And the mask is cracking

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And when the mask cracks im that pathetic little girl who got bullied for being too loud and stupid and too easy to get a reaction out of

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and now Im just being a stupid dick to my mother

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Fuck you

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Fuck it

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Fuck everyone

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everyones getting pushed away

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I dont want to talk to anyone

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im just going to end up being a dick to them

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yeah blame it on being sick

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Fucking asshole Aus

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maybe Ill feel better after my hair is done

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Does he even care that much

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no

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hes just

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busy

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jesus aus

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get a fucking grip

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youre falling back on everything that was worked on

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Youre ruining all his work

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You destructive piece of shit

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Stop

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ruining things

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You

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just stop

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Stop

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thinkin

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ughhhh god

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one of my friends blocked me out of the blue

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Cool

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Should I add him back

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or

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just

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never speka to him again

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But hes never been mean to me

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But I just

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I feel embarassed

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trying to explain why I removed him

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or

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like

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Lying

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to him

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sad_scared

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Im so lame

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I wish my mom would understand that I dont want to be feminine and that I need to grow into it ON MY OWN

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and that I cant be FORCED into it

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stop fucking stalking people

left moat Mar 25, 2026, 1:52 PM

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133

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she blocked me but she didnt block my alts

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because shes dumb

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one day

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there will be vengeance

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that sounded a lot less cringe in my head

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but I will get her back

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and it will be well deserved

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in fact

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hm

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i could easily do the same thing she was trying to do to him

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with her boyfriend

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I need to get close to him somehow though]

left moat Mar 25, 2026, 5:50 PM

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ohhh i hate myself again

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i miss when I liked me

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but that was so many years ago

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i hardly remember the feeling

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i dont

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belong

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anywhere

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i look like i fit in

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like when you grab the piece in a puzzle that looks like the one you need but

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the end is too small or just a smidgen too big

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and i just

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dont

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fit

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i never do

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im either too hot or too cold

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i miss my old group of friends

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i fit in with them

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but i had to go and try to kill myself and not talk to them for years

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now its all awkward and strange

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we arent friends anymore

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i miss the way it was before

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my group of people

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and i never really found a new one

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i still dont fit right into place with the TGE people

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and I dont believe I ever have

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i dont believe i will fit in anywhere

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ive never felt i belonged in my own country

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but i wouldnt belong in any other country either

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because to them id just be another loud mouth dumbass american

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even though im not

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im quite smart and im

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quiet

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very quiet

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i dont feel like i fit in within my family

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and i definitely wont fit in with his

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but

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i fit in the most with my mom and brother

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and sometimes my dad

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no matter how many servers i join

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how many clubs

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extracurriculars

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hobbies

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i

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just

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dont fit in

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theres never a sense of belonging

left moat Mar 25, 2026, 8:37 PM

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i shouldnt have agreed to this stupid pedicure

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Fuck me

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im so dumb

left moat Mar 25, 2026, 10:42 PM

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I feel happier now

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i got my nails done

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i feel so pretty

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k_blush_catgirls

left moat Mar 25, 2026, 11:37 PM

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ugh

left moat Mar 26, 2026, 11:25 AM

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134

left moat Mar 26, 2026, 12:06 PM

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hm

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somethings off

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ill have to check on him later

left moat Mar 26, 2026, 12:38 PM

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i have a feeling he had soemthing to do with it

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its the only idea that makes sense

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but then again

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why not trust me

left moat Mar 26, 2026, 1:25 PM

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its just weird

left moat Mar 26, 2026, 1:56 PM

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i dont fucking get it

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i was nothing but nice to her

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maybe she just didnt like me because i actually had fucking boundaries i didnt like getting pushed over

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"I do see you as a friend" YEAH RIGHT MY FUCKING ASS

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I WAS THERE FOR YOU AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD LET ME

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I ALMOST ALWAYS REACHED OUT FIRST

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I CARED MORE ABOUT YOU THAN YOU DID I

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I TRUSTED YOU

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LET YOU IN

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I MADE THINGS BOUGHT THINGS

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I TRIED NUTURING WHAT NOW WAS A MEANINGLESS FRIENDSHIP

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I GAVE YOU

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SO MUCH HELP

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AND ADVICE

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AND TIME

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AND

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WHAT WAS IT ALL FOR

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JUST FOR YOU TO SUDDENLY BE "uncomfortable" BY ME

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YOU CAUSED THIS

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YOU DIDNT LIKE THE CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR ACTIONS

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BUT INSTEAD OF ADMITTING FAULT

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YOU PUT THE BLAME ON OTHERS

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I NEVER MATTERED AT ALL TO YOU DID I

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IT WAS ALL A FUCKING LIE WASNT IT

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AND YOU TRICKED ME

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AND I HATE YOU MORE THAN I CAN VOICE INTO WORDS FOR THAT

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I HATE YOU

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I HATE THAT YOU TRICKED ME INTO SHARING MY VASE WITH YOU AND YOU BROKE IT

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AND I HATE

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THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS LINGER IN MY MIND

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I HATE THAT I CANNOT SPEAK TO YOU ANY LONGER, I CANNOT TRY AND RESOLVE THE ISSUE

left moat Mar 26, 2026, 5:42 PM

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Ughhhh

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i wish

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i could just

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stop

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caring

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so much

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about people that screw me over

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and stop wanting attention from them

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i just want to be loved

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why cant people love me like i love them

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DidoCry

left moat Mar 26, 2026, 8:22 PM

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im so stupid…

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he might as well leave me at this point

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I cant

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change

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And i just dont want to be annoying

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none of this matters anyways…

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hes just gonna leave i cant undo everything i said

left moat Mar 27, 2026, 11:30 AM

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135

left moat Mar 27, 2026, 2:11 PM

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anxious anxious anxious anxious

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me me me me me pay attention to me pay attention me me me im an attention seeker pay attention

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ughhhhhhhhh

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i hate these nails now

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want them off

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need to regulate

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cant

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pick

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anythigm

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need

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off

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come off

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i dont care if it hurts my nails

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theyre gonna come off

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i cant take this anymore\

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off off off

left moat Mar 27, 2026, 4:22 PM

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there

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I got two off

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thats all I meed

left moat Mar 27, 2026, 8:20 PM

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do i want her to see it or mot

left moat Mar 28, 2026, 5:02 PM

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136

left moat Mar 29, 2026, 8:02 PM

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137

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Somehow even after almost a year I still find new ways to fall in love with him

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Its interesting

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I love him so much

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Hes so adorable

left moat Mar 29, 2026, 8:22 PM

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anyways

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Im gonna

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Bleh

My Gender & Sexuality Spectrum

Here's my Gender & Spectrum. What's yours?

left moat Mar 29, 2026, 9:55 PM

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ugh im so gross

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i cant believe I did that

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ugh

left moat Mar 30, 2026, 2:50 PM

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138

left moat Mar 30, 2026, 9:07 PM

#

left moat Mar 30, 2026, 9:42 PM

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im fucking atupid

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I knew I would never make it

left moat Mar 30, 2026, 10:55 PM

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yeah Im definitely a furry atp blurrycry

left moat Mar 31, 2026, 4:07 AM

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139

left moat Mar 31, 2026, 9:19 PM

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bleh

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i feel so

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just

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yeah

left moat Mar 31, 2026, 10:19 PM

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yeah its offical

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jesus

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id rather not put a label on this

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i wouldnt

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fit in anyways

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i never fit in

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in any

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community

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ever

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so

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just

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whatever

left moat Apr 2, 2026, 1:55 AM

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140

left moat Apr 2, 2026, 4:05 AM

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Artemis two launched today

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and one year anniversary with boyfriend

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yayyyy

left moat Apr 2, 2026, 6:40 PM

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141

#

I still

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feel like

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I dont mean much to anyone

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even him

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It makes me antsy

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I feel like

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Im ruining things

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Im trying to be more

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Sociable

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Make more friends

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But I

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I have a bit of joy and then the next day its back to doubting

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Im just

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so replaceable

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And the only reason I havent watched season 4 yet of invincible is because they keep asking me too and I like the feeling that I get when they beg me because I feel like they actually want me and I dont want it to go away

left moat Apr 2, 2026, 8:38 PM

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I just cleaned my entire room in about 4 hours

left moat Apr 3, 2026, 3:03 AM

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FUCK ME FOR THINKING IT WOULD WORK

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FUCK ME FOR FUCKING WITH IT

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FUCKING HELL

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NOW I GOTTA RESTART THIS BULLSHIT ALLLL FUCKING OVER AGAIB

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BECAUSE I CANT FUCKING GIVE UP

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FUCK YOU STUPID ASS WHORE

left moat Apr 3, 2026, 3:25 AM

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shouldve fucking known this would happen

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youre such a fucking optimist

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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

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Now i look like a liar

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im such a fucking embarrassment to him

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Mayve if I had just joined I wouldve jnown I CANT GET IN STILL

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SUAYSBWJNWJW ENE

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YOU DUMB BITCH

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okay

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im done

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fucking done

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ove had enough of this

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Its time i end this shit

left moat Apr 3, 2026, 4:09 AM

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…

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finally

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alone

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my fist and wrist hurt

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But its okay

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and here cones the adrenaline dump

left moat Apr 3, 2026, 4:19 PM

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i dont get it

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why is it always later with me

left moat Apr 4, 2026, 4:03 PM

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143

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I cant wait to go home from work

left moat Apr 5, 2026, 1:11 AM

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I think Im an otrovert

left moat Apr 5, 2026, 6:26 PM

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144

left moat Apr 6, 2026, 8:04 PM

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145

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i feel physically

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awful

left moat Apr 6, 2026, 8:32 PM

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ugh

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I

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fucking

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hate myself

left moat Apr 6, 2026, 9:52 PM

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stupid stupid stupid

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You dumb forgetful fuck

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Im gonan fucking cry

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Im so fucking stupdi

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you dumb fucking

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idiot

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How could you do that

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you fucking ruined it

left moat Apr 7, 2026, 12:48 AM

#

#

#

#

#

I TOLD ALL OF THEM

#

#

left moat Apr 7, 2026, 1:53 AM

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145

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have to remember the number

left moat Apr 7, 2026, 2:41 AM

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https://open.spotify.com/track/4DXuxOyvu3M8Mh5iuUGWCc?si=i52eiswzRjSz4f8ok3jIBw

Spotify

Loser

left moat Apr 7, 2026, 3:03 AM

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i dont feel like it counts. it doesnt feel like its enough or i was affected by it enough, and maybe it doesnt count and it was just all in my head ans it was all my fault for being so stupid and naive and trustinf of them

thinking they liked me that i meant something that i had something with any of them, i just wanted to be liked and i went along with it because they didnt get nad ag me and he atopped bullying me so clearly that meant he was good bow but im so stupid that j just believed it

i feel totally irrelevant and i am forggwting the details of the first wxperience and i dont even feel like its worth mentioning on sa awareness month because it doesnt feel relevant enough.

i am agraid if looking like a victim or acting like one or it being pinned on me that i was too dumb to understand that it didnt apply to me ir its just my failt fir thinking he just wanted to kiss me on the cheek or the lips and im just feel so irrelevant and stupid because i dont see any stories like mine thag dont contain a lesser severity liek mine i feel totalt alone and its so stupid and dumb and i hate myself so much

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rhis is so fickign atuoid

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youre such a fucking coward

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crying like a littke birdh

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j dont rhink i deserve ti be seen ag all

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augsuwhwiwjwja

left moat Apr 7, 2026, 5:28 AM

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i cant

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sleep

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146

left moat Apr 7, 2026, 1:29 PM

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sell I got like

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5 hours of sleep

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I feel perfect honestly

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maybe my mom was right

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I run better on less sleep like my dad

left moat Apr 7, 2026, 6:51 PM

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im so sick of me

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 2:49 AM

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Omg

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I wish I could stop crying so much over artemis

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Like

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But its just

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so important to me

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And Christina Koch is like my hero now because Ive never had a hero to really look up to like that.

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And not to mention now theres so many more kids that want to go to soace now

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and it just makes me so happy

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but like

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omg

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the mission is just

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so wholesome and beautiful and poetic

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and I just cant help it

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i like geneuinely just

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cant

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i love the picture so much

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theyre so beautiful

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the whole thing si so releving fron all the politics

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 1:08 PM

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i feel sick

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 1:41 PM

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147

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 2:23 PM

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ughhh

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 2:53 PM

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did i do something wrong..?

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no no

#

no

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hes just

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busy

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with

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stuff

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i hope-

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 3:13 PM

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ugh

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i hate you brain

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i wish you would

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work

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you understand everyone emotions but your own

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i dont like these feelings

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its eating

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at me

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i feel like my organs are all being gripped

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and my chest is a ball

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and i feel queasy

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sick to my stomach queasy

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with jealousy for no goddamn reason

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and clinginess and

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jsut

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anxiegty

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and fucking

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everything

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jesus

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why cant you

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understand yourself the way you understand others

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emotionally cripppled

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panic attacks non stop today

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for no goddamn reason

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again

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you never have a reason for anything

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do you

#

its always

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"idk"

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ughughugh

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now you can add frustration to the mix

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loathing

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hate

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you hate

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you always have that hate

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never enough for anyone

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but more than plenty for yoursel

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so much hate

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you never think you will be satisfied with yourself

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you dont look at mirrors as much as you can, as if to avoid the hate staring back at you

#

you loathe those eyes

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you loathe and seethe at the empty bottomless pits of black within them

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bottomless pits for of hatred and disgust

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envy

#

you interalized all that damage done to you that you never retaliated back with

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into hate for yourself

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you dont see what everyone else who cares for you sees

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you see the cracks and the holes, the scars and the wounds that still bleed. the coward who hides behind 7 walls that dont work

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and youll never

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come out of hiding

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because its too much, its overreacting, overdramatic

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today you sat with your two friends who also had adhd

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and you can tell

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..

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i crave

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ugh

#

no

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forget it

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you dont matter enough for that

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you didnt even

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matter

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to any of your best friends

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K ghosted your letters

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G stopped wanting to hang out and talking to me

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Gi stopped talking to me

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KL stopped it too, and then came back and then ghosted

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A ghosted you

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AT ghosted adn stopped caring

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im never gonna have friends

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outside of this fucking virtual box

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because you fucking suck

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no one wants to be friends with someone who tried to kill themselves

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why get attatched?

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everyone at this school thinks youre crazy

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no ones gonna want to be friends with a 17 yr old in college

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...

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everyones gonna go away and forget about you

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even if you went to that college, who would fucking want to be your roommate?

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youd be the roomate no one wants

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i wish you never made me suffer so fucking much

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or at least you couldve made me have no desire for scoail connection

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but noooo

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you had to make me the person with the biggest most sensitive fucking heart on the fucking earth and give me eternal lonlieness

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you had to make me the person that can never be mad at anyone, hurt anyone because I FUCKIGN UNDERSTAND ALL THEIR FUCKING REASONING AND WHY THEY DO IT

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YOU JUST HAD TO MAKE ME FEEL SO FUCKING MUCH

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AND PLEASE JUST DAMN ME TO HELL FOR IT

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AT LEAST THERE I WOULDNT HAVE TO FEEL THE SHIT IVE FELT WALKING THIS FUCKING EARTH OF YOURS

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WHY DIDNT YOU JUST LET ME FINISH IT

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LET ME GO IF YOURE JUST GOING TO ENDLESSLY TORTURE ME WITH LONLIENESS

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BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT

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IT DOESNT MATTER

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HOW HARD

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I TRY

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HOW MUCH EFFORT I PUT IN

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NO ONE EVER

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EVER

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COMES TO RETURN THAT EFFORT

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AND THAT CARE

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AND THAT LOVE

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AND THAT FUCKING TIME

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YOU SAID IF I DID THAT I WOULD GET IT BACK

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AND I HAVENT

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NOT ONCE

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YOURE A FUCKING LIAR

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I DONT KNOW WHY I EVER BELIEVED IN YOU

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ITS ALL STUPID BULLSHIT ANYWAYS

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YOU HATE ME

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YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER

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WELL FUCK YOU

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FUCK YOU, AND YOUR BULLSHIT RELIGION, YOURE NOTHING BUT A BOOK OF LIES AND BULLSHIT

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I DID WHAT YOU FUCKING SAID

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YOU HAVENT ENDED MY SUFFERING ONCE

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YOU JUST PAUSED IT

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AND LET IT GO ON

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AND IM SICK OF IT

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SO DO ME ONE LAST FAVOR AND FORGET ABOUT ME BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE YOU EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME

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fuck

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you

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and your stupid book

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and your stupid cross

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your stupid son

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your stupid gifts

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im done

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with you

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and i hate you.

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you were never real.

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and im done.

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 4:17 PM

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im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im soorry im sorry im sorry i didnt mena it i was frusrasted and angry eplpease forgive me inm so so os so so sos os sorryyr

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please eodnt comdeonm me i dind tnmean that

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pleease elaps im so sorry

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i really rwlalt promise i dindt mean it i really otake it all badk im really soruee

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 6:39 PM

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ughhh

left moat Apr 8, 2026, 10:30 PM

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so they all did lie.

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Thats cool.

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cool cool coll

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theyre all fucking liars

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K

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Im

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Mmm

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Not like anyone else made a good oc in that server that I built

left moat Apr 9, 2026, 12:38 AM

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HAPPY HAPPY AHOYPY

left moat Apr 9, 2026, 11:24 AM

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148

left moat Apr 10, 2026, 11:34 AM

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149

left moat Apr 10, 2026, 2:06 PM

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tucyuhkj

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i wish i wasnt so annoying

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and clingy

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jesus

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can you just lay off him for one sec

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stop being so fucking anxious all the time

left moat Apr 10, 2026, 3:35 PM

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just fucking ask

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already

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jesus

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fuck

#

FUCK

#

https://tenor.com/view/pianistchenle-mark-yien-tuan-got7mad-angry-upset-throwing-jacket-sad-gif-23992981

Tenor

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HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME BACK

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AND HE FUCKING DIDNT

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AND ITS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT

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I DIDNT DO ENOUGH FOR HIM

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AND NOW HES REALLY GONE

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FUCK

left moat Apr 10, 2026, 4:14 PM

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. . .

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everything i try to say to ask for help sounds so corny and desprate and annoying

#

i dont like any of it

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better off not asking

left moat Apr 10, 2026, 5:39 PM

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AGHBDHDFJKWJFLGWR

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GOD

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JUST FUCKING ASK

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OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD

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FUCKKKKK

#

JESUS]

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He probably didnt text her

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and now its too late

#

my head is a fucking mess

#

i have icepicks hitting my head on all sides

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my eyes hurt

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im going to explode

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I CANT

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HANDLE

#

THAT

#

shitshitshitshitshisthsithishits

#

jeusss

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fchrist

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oh my head mt head my head

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stop fucking tlkaing for once

#

stopd yeallign

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stostops talking everyone shut up

#

this class is suppsoed to be fucking queit

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uguuguguhuuvvjhggh

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oh god

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the monemtn i get home im cutting

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im done

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i give up

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i ant do this

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im to overloaded

#

in sant

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my head

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oh my goddd

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my head make it stopm puslingg

#

i thurts so much

#

my head my head it hurts

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its on all sides

#

my eyes

#

shut

#

down

#

im

#

done

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i cant

#

rsfgboufgndisg

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10 minutes

#

10 \no

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dread minutes

#

its

#

isjgw

#

out out out out

#

need to elave

#

need to get rid of tihins

#

destroy something

#

hate

#

hate hate ahte

#

stuck

#

panic attack

#

head hurts so much

#

siufg

#

head

#

neck

#

hurt

#

need

#

to

#

get rud

#

of

#

need purge

#

or

#

soemthungins

#

ughhhhhhhhh

#

god

#

fucking

#

FUCK

#

ygh

#

I knew lofe was getting too good

#

Of course Im gonna get punished for my outburst

#

I knew everyone was gonna leave me

#

I knew it

#

I knew it i knew it

#

I knew this would never work out

#

I knew none of it would happen

#

You still had fucking childish hope

#

thats all you

#

fucking

#

do

#

Im so close to just

#

beating my fucking head

#

“hey can you come to my birthday party” NO

#

I HAVE CHURCH

#

WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS FUCKING SCHEDULE THINGS AROUND TIMES IM NEVER AVAILABLE

#

AND THEN HAVE THE AUDACITY TO INVITE ME

#

“hey do tou wanna come watch a movie with me on saturday”

#

I HAVE WORK

#

AND YOU KNOW I ONLY WORK WEEKENDS

#

MY SUMMER IS GONNA BE FUCKING BORING AND LONELY

#

I MIGHT JIST DO IT THEN

#

NOT LIKE IM EVER GONNA GET THAT FUCKKG. DEGREE

#

OR THAT FUCKING JOB

#

NOT LIKE IM EVER GONNA GET ANYWHERE IN MY LIFE

#

ALL YOURE DOING IS KIDDING YOURSELF

#

IM NEVER GONNA HAVE KIDS IM NEVER GONNA GEG MARRIED IM NEVER GONNA BE HAPPY AND HAVE WHAT I WANT IN LIFE

#

NOTHING EVER GOES MY WAY

#

AND NOW YOURE CRYING ON THE BUS LIKE A FUCKING BITCH BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOU ARE

#

YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET ANYWHERE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT

#

all those certificates and awards you have in your room are just pitying you

#

it was never earned or deserved

#

You never earned that NHSHS spot

#

They simply pitied you because you tried to kill yourself

#

“oh here dont kill youreself look how special and smart you are!”

#

I didnt fucking earn shit

#

Dont fucking lie to me

#

I want to burn it all

#

Im burning everything

#

Im sick at the lies hanging in my room

#

jesus

#

almost home

#

almost to silence

#

home

#

can decompress

#

i failed and i ruined it

#

i ruin everything

#

and thats why no one stays

#

its always my failt

#

everything that happened to me has been my fault

#

and i definitely cant go to this party now

#

I dont have any of that

#

nintento stuff or games

#

they even moved the time

#

but now i definitely cant show up

#

im so fucking pathetic and useless

#

i hold everyone back

#

im always the last one for anything or the one that doesnt have anything or cant do soemthing

#

im a horribel friend

#

i never make enough effort

#

im going to die one day and no one will attend my funeral except maybe my brother

#

im worthless

#

i wont ever be anyones favorite

#

i wont ever be smart enough or dumb enough for anything

#

i wont ever be good enough at something

#

no

#

fuck it

#

im going

#

i jedd it

#

i need to get out

#

i need it

#

my jead hurts

#

so much

#

crying didnt help

#

it

#

but i feel a little better

left moat Apr 11, 2026, 5:05 PM

#

150

#

i have blisters on mah fingers

#

from the tape

#

at work

left moat Apr 11, 2026, 9:11 PM

#

Im so

#

Proud

#

Even in all this division, my country was able to pause for a moment and forget all about the division, and unite over this event

#

And not only that

#

but they united the world

#

tbh_lovecry

#

All because of the moon

#

and she’s beautiful

left moat Apr 12, 2026, 3:44 AM

#

“do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying light”

#

left moat Apr 12, 2026, 12:08 PM

#

151

left moat Apr 12, 2026, 2:47 PM

#

left moat Apr 13, 2026, 4:21 PM

#

152

left moat Apr 13, 2026, 6:59 PM

#

ugh

#

i fear i may be useless in that server

left moat Apr 13, 2026, 7:20 PM

#

I feel guilty

#

it might be best if I leave it but i don’t think that would make anyoen happy

#

im really

left moat Apr 13, 2026, 7:38 PM

#

Uhh

#

ugh

#

yeah

#

think i should just go

#

i always ruin things for everyone

left moat Apr 13, 2026, 8:43 PM

#

https://open.spotify.com/track/7AVHZALiAVUuYzcQ2lTZ5q?si=zOV2VqsnTMGFbIHpzKvieg&pi=kzZWYzpKTOGKc

Spotify

Frailty

#

#

#

#

maybe i am too confortable in my illness ti get better

#

oh well

#

i love having these off and ons

#

at least im feeling something real

#

#

J.S. wouldve said he though of me when he listened to this song, but it was always about him everytime I listened to it. Because hes a fucking asshole. https://open.spotify.com/track/6K4t31amVTZDgR3sKmwUJJ?si=hI3R-85VTx-DXLRFy5tyNA

Spotify

The Less I Know The Better

left moat Apr 13, 2026, 10:30 PM

#

ugh

#

i hate how right these all are

#

left moat Apr 13, 2026, 11:28 PM

#

Im sorry Ive never been the best version of myself for any of you. I haven’t been there enough for any of you, supportive enough. Im sorry for all the worry and the stress I cause and have caused in the past. I can’t escape my illness because I don’t know if there will be any comfort for me when I leave it, nor do I feel like any amount of pills could make it better and still make my feelings real. Because the pills don’t make anything real, they make fake dopamine they make fake feelings and it turns you into a shell of a human. It makes you hollow inside.

No, this is not a suicide note/letter. But it’s something I should have done a while ago. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused in some of your lives, I pushed too hard on you sometimes.

I’m sorry I haven’t been the friend I should be. I’m sorry I have gone quieter and quieter over these past few days, and the truth is, I don’t reach out when I’m struggling. I just get smaller, and I hope to god that someone, just someone, notices that change and makes me know how valuable I am because as time goes on, I forget what I’m worth because people have showed me countless times in my life that I’m not worth something. I don’t believe even half of you, who this letter is directed towards will even read it or notice it, but I’m going to write it anyways, for me.

Sometimes people deal with things by writing. I cope with death by still texting the person that died. Knowing full well they will never read it. But that’s just how I am. I write. I draw. That is the only way I know how to communicate my feelings, aside from music.

I have had many shortcomings to you all, as a friend and a partner, and I take responsibility for them. I am not okay. And most days I just pretend to be because then I feel better. But on the days that I don’t, I sink into my bed and stare at my dry, empty phone, waiting for someone to notice. Someone to notice that the person who trues her best to make sure everyone else is okay, is not okay.

And when that doesn’t happen, I am suddenly that little girl, all alone on the playground at recess, who asked around, “can I play with you?”, but never had anyone who wanted her. And I feel alone, and there’s nothing to comfort me but my dark thoughts and it makes me sink further and further into my bed, it makes me fall asleep, and wake up in a few hours feeling nothing. And it doesn’t help to socialize, in fact it makes it worse, because then I feel awkward and I’m always outside of the circle.

My parents say it’s something I am doing, or something that I want, but I don’t. I just don’t know how to try anymore. And Im trying to try. Im trying to be a better friend, a better partner. But I think I end up failing, more than I am succeeding.

#

This rambling makes no sense, I know, it goes in circles and I end up repeating myself, but that’s how my head is.

#

Endless circles and repetition.

#

And it almost feels just like my life, because everyone will come into my life and then they will leave and I get sad, and then I start trying again to find new people, and repeat

#

But you know, its hard to make a real connection, when you have a hard time even talking to people.

#

Am I okay? I don’t really know. I am but I’m also not.

#

I’m happy in my darkness but yet I am incapacitated

#

I want to be saved, but yet I wish to reject all the saving hands outstretched

#

I wish I had the courage to do what Uzart did, and simply end things with everyone, but then I know I would regret it immensely and I would beg and cry for them to come back

#

I wish for my Lord and Savior, but I fear I am to far gone for him to take me back.

#

And I don’t believe any of them will understand what that feeling is like.

#

Feeling as if the only constant, steady reliable thing in your life

#

Is no longer able to be there anymore.

#

I grew up in the church.

#

I ran along the pews

#

I eagerly awaited my time for when I could take communion

#

The one place I could always turn to may no longer be attainable

#

Because of how far I have fallen and how blasphemous I have become.

#

but oh how I wish for Him.

#

I will forever be empty and hungry without him.

#

i barely ate any dinner today, and I didnt have lunch

#

I nearly threw up

#

i just feel so ill

#

left moat Apr 14, 2026, 12:31 AM

#

im so confused and scared, i feel so stupid and vulnerable and childish

#

i cant stop freaking out

#

i don’t know what to do

#

i need a father figure so desperately

#

someone help me out of this sinking sand feeling i feel so anxious and helpless i feel like im dying sad_scared

#

i think im going insane

#

i just need to go to sleep

#

itll all go away if i go to bed

left moat Apr 14, 2026, 1:38 AM

#

WOW YOURE STUPID

#

THAT WAS HORRIBLE

#

JESUS

#

YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT NOW

#

ughhhhhhhhh

#

https://tenor.com/view/head-wall-exasperated-gif-26319611

Tenor

#

its been 11 years you should be ovee it yet here you are everytime you think about it he comes back

#

im so disgusted

#

VaporGrossedOut

#

im never gonna be happy

#

everythings always ruined for someone by me becauaw of someone elsw

#

i think i might just fucking do it i hate myself so fucking much i cant bear it anymore

#

maybe it is this fucking phone and i dont need them

#

clearly none of them need me

left moat Apr 14, 2026, 10:38 AM

#

153

left moat Apr 14, 2026, 3:59 PM

#

. . . .

#

how today is sounding/feeling https://open.spotify.com/track/3VcW9IMxxPwSCEWUdZnUhu?si=yY935KCkSI-cYqj5fsVQTg

Spotify

Two Different Worlds (Slowed + Reverb)

left moat Apr 14, 2026, 5:09 PM

#

i dont think i should tell her happy birthday

#

but she did sing to me when i ahd my birthday

#

i should at least attempt to repay the favor righ?

#

but thats so

#

weird

#

ughhhh

#

just do it

#

like just fucking send the meesage

#

its not gonna change anything anyways

#

yeah

#

there

#

make youreself look stupid

#

not like anything wil ever actually resonate with her

#

or shell ever reply

#

because she hates you

#

obviously

#

shell probably block you again

#

cause youre an annoying little bitch

#

ugh

#

jesus christ why cant you fucking move on

#

stop fucking begging and pleading

#

you wont ever

#

i really hate how pathetic i am

#

why

#

i hate this

#

a lot

#

shes never gonna fucking respond to it

#

yeah see

#

never gonna respond

#

not even a fucking reaction either

#

you shouldve just shut up

#

shes porbably gonna go whine about it to him too

#

sorry for being a decent ass person

#

my fault

#

i didnt even do anythig to her

#

and then shes got the audacity to make me almost subhuman by calling me significant other

#

and yet i still

#

just want

#

one word from her

#

i just want to know i mattered

#

this is fucking pointless

#

i shoudl just give up

#

im never gonna get my "friend" back

#

if only she could fucking see this

#

how much it fucking hurts

#

all the shit she caused

#

maybe shes respond then

#

maybe id matter a bit more

#

i cut myself a while ago because of you, at least that was part of the motive

#

its been 155 days since we spoke.

#

or well, at least since you responded to me

#

153 days since i last cut

#

please just fucking say something

#

but i know you wont

#

this is so stupid and childish

#

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#

i wanna rip my hair out

#

i shoudnt have said anything

#

you knew this was gonna happen

#

and now youre sad because it did happen but you hoped and believed this time it would be different

#

becuase youre stupi

left moat Apr 15, 2026, 6:21 PM

#

154

left moat Apr 16, 2026, 2:57 PM

#

155

left moat Apr 16, 2026, 4:09 PM

#

I worry about him

#

hes been acting off ever since he had that thing

#

VaporWorried

#

I hope nothing happens to him

left moat Apr 16, 2026, 7:04 PM

#

I dont know why i excepted this time to be different with her

#

i feel so burnout

#

and sick

#

I hate this fucking planet

#

hes not even paying attention to me

#

tbh_sleepy

left moat Apr 17, 2026, 12:21 PM

#

156

left moat Apr 18, 2026, 2:33 PM

#

157

left moat Apr 18, 2026, 7:25 PM

#

Yeah after today

#

Im just done

#

dropping it

tight tangle Apr 18, 2026, 7:41 PM

#

HEY

#

YOI

#

HELP PLEASS

left moat Apr 18, 2026, 8:30 PM

#

. . .

left moat Apr 18, 2026, 10:40 PM

#

I fucking hate dances.

left moat Apr 19, 2026, 4:02 PM

#

158

#

i think im failing as a friend

left moat Apr 19, 2026, 7:42 PM

#

Yeah Iqm

#

And Im having a panic attack rn

left moat Apr 19, 2026, 11:07 PM

#

Oh god what if I mess this up…

left moat Apr 19, 2026, 11:42 PM

#

ugh this is making me so anxious

#

Im also worried about her

#

She hasnt replied

#

I hope shes okay

left moat Apr 20, 2026, 11:29 AM

#

159

#

everythings fixed with them

#

yay

left moat Apr 20, 2026, 4:27 PM

#

jhrycviyvlik

#

i obviously fucked up with her

#

now the quesiton is

#

is this going to drive me up the wall batshit insane

left moat Apr 20, 2026, 5:47 PM

#

i want nothing more than to just beat him into a pulp right now

#

im so sick of this bullshit

#

tired of dealing with it everytime I need his short ass attention span the most

#

i cant be bothered to talk to anyone right now

left moat Apr 20, 2026, 11:15 PM

#

okay

#

its chill

left moat Apr 21, 2026, 2:46 PM

#

160

#

another panic attack

#

I have this feeling of impending doom and death this time

#

Which is weird

#

because I normally dont get that feeling with my panic attacks

#

Ive been having so many this week

#

Usually a get a like 3 a week maybe

#

Ive had at least 10 within the last 4 days /srs

#

the feeling of doom is going away a little

#

and now im shaking but i cant tell if thats from the panic attackor me being cold

left moat Apr 22, 2026, 2:49 AM

#

. . .

left moat Apr 22, 2026, 3:24 AM

#

im such a failure

#

daughter, gf, friend, sister, parental figure, student

#

cant do shit right

#

i cant get out of this fucking cycle either

#

And maybe its because im scared of being hurt again by someone other thna myself

#

i dont know what to do either.

#

I dont want to undo what I did on another app, because im scared youll hate me for it.

#

i cant love myself

#

and maybe my mom was right that jts a horrible idea to try and move someone else when you have a horrible relationship with yourseld

#

because now were here

#

and i really want my dad.

#

but i can have my dad

#

because he doesnt know how to love me either

#

i hope i cry enough to drown in them

#

im such a horrible girlfriend and i deserve this

#

i hate myself so fucking much

#

i cant do anything right

#

im so fucking pathetic and useless

#

i’m so fucking tired

#

of all this endless drama i cant take it anore

#

and definitely not when its amplified further into a relationship

#

i dont know what to do this time.

#

i want to give up

#

spare him the work and the endless amounts of future pain

#

spare him the financial burdens the emotional and physical burdens

#

maybe thatll be my final act and gift of love

#

sparing him the trouble

#

i need to leave some things

#

i can think better then

#

ugh

#

I do want this because I think it would be the best for him

#

But what about me?

#

I need to consider myself too, Im not going to make the same mistakes anymore and only think about others

#

I matter too

#

I NEED someone who will be able to handle me, and so far hes the only one who has been able to do that and help me with that. It took him some time to figure it out, and he still is but he has done it better than any of my past partners have.

#

I NEED someone who actually loves me for me, not my body or my looks or what I can give them. Thats a rare find nowadays and I have found it in him. Do I want to go out and risk trying again? Not really. Do I want to be alone? No.

#

I typically only date friends anyways.

#

People Ive made an atfachment too

#

And that can take time

#

And I dont particularly have time

#

My bodys on a clock because of the endo, and I want kids.

#

But I want them with the right person and so far that person has only been him who checked all my boxes.

#

Going back to him

#

This would be good for him because

#

He has the potential to find someone who is easier and less stressful and harmful.
He doesn’t deserve being treated like this, even if this is me trying my hardest not to be hurtful when my mental health is shit
He doesn’t deserve to have a financial, emotional and physical burden on him just for my own sake. He should be allowed to have things easy and fair for him. I think he pulls more than he ought to and I try to pull more but I end up ruining things.

#

and going off all this

#

I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO!!!!

#

aUgshwjqw

#

Am I being too logical with this?

#

too emptional?

#

shes right

#

Im only looking at a portionof the picture rn

#

Im not entirely sure what his pros are for him.

#

Its not exactly

#

Ermmmm

#

Obvioius

#

I guess hes happy

#

what else

#

he feels like im the only one who is good to him

#

even though I have never particularly agreed to that sentence

#

uhhh

#

He gets a lot of comfort and safety from me

#

I dont know, I usually have him tell me these things

#

the documents.

left moat Apr 22, 2026, 12:14 PM

#

161

left moat Apr 22, 2026, 3:23 PM

#

she was right, i do know the right thing

left moat Apr 23, 2026, 12:13 AM

#

its only one of my friends left that does it

left moat Apr 23, 2026, 10:19 AM

#

162

left moat Apr 23, 2026, 6:34 PM

#

i hate when he fucking does this

#

I’m trying to talk to you about something very important

#

can i have 5 minutes of your undivided attention for once

#

God

#

too fucking late for it now

#

Jesus fucking christ

#

why cant you just

#

ugh

#

FUCK

left moat Apr 23, 2026, 8:01 PM

#

I fucking hate this dog

#

And this family

#

Im so sick of having to do everything around this house WHEN I AM KILLING MY BODY

#

AND WHENEVER I FUCKING SAY ANYTHING ANOUT IT

#

SOMEHOW MY MOM ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE IT WORSE AND IMMSO SELFISH

#

my fucking back is seizing everytime I move but Im mot complaining about it, nor am I complaining about how tired I am from school or anything

#

But noooooooooo

#

God forbid I speak up about my issues

left moat Apr 23, 2026, 8:26 PM

#

yeah Im not staying there

left moat Apr 24, 2026, 1:17 AM

#

I think…

#

I want to die

#

Yeah.

#

I think that might be best.

#

I dont care anymore about anyone.

#

Genuinely feel no remorse for any of the ways ive been treating them.

left moat Apr 24, 2026, 2:04 AM

#

I genuinely

#

feel nothing

#

i did it.

#

im out.

#

Nows your time to shine God.

#

you help him now, while I contemplate my entire life.

#

And we’ll see if I’ll be back tomorrow.

#Austria’s Scibbles