#I (don’t) miss him

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wet basin
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About a year ago when he came up with my family for a concert he was just like “yea it was ok, the violins were eh” and I was a bit upset because like

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Why would u tell me the negatives instead of just the positives if ur their to support. Like not to sound self absorbed but I feel like that’s a social cue if ur not that versed in the thing ur watching and ur just their to support

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But he just told me how he couldn’t rlly hear the violins and brass was too loud

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So yea I was a bit upset cus what

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Then when I found the photos he used that as a reason to breakup because of how upset I was

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Which was best for me in the end but like it felt like it was my fault for getting upset

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And the time from when he came up just gets reminded to me all the time. My family has brought it up too. I didn’t like yell at him I was just upset because I just got done with a concert and he just is like telling me all the things wrong with it

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I’m also stressed out a bit about therapy which I know defeats the purpose

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But the person I found isn’t available on weekends and there’s only rlly 1 time we can during the week which I hope I can get back home in time for

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I know I can swap if it doesn’t work out

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But I really hope times work fine because she specializes in a lot of what I’m looking for and is licensed in both states I live in

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And he stopped watching the nsfw stuff over a year ago but it’s finding the photos form back then that kinda killed it

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I was forgiving him for it then the photos happened

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And I just couldn’t anymore

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I wanted us to be long term and I know stuff happens like things won’t always be sunshine in long term relationships and things just have to be worked out

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I just wish he viewed me a bit higher and wanted to fight for me a bit more

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Cus shit I worked through everything with him

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Literally everything

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And stayed with him through even the worst of times

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But lord forbid I’m busy with school

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And I get it just some people can’t do long distance I guess

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Because my state requires those teaching to also get a masters within 5 years of graduating from their undergrad so like

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I would be in school 6 years plus at some point long from now I want to get my doctorate

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I would’ve fought for him

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I want to scream

wet basin
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I feel like I’m going to throw up

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What he was watching really just set in and I feel so sick

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Like so grossed out

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Like biggest frown

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And every day while we were dating for over a year

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Every single day

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EVERY DAY

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I feel so grossed out

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Like I’m trying really hard not to vomit rn

wet basin
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I don’t know why I’m here anymore

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I’m scared

wet basin
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Oh. T loo rd s

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Oh my lords

whole oriole
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@wet basin hey, are you okay?

wet basin
whole oriole
wet basin
whole oriole
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U got alot of homework or just a little?

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Also laundry is super easy when u got 5 mins and u got the energy

wet basin
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Rn*

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I don’t usually have the chance to do laundry this early in the day tbh so I’m hoping to get another load done tn

whole oriole
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Thats actually pretty nice

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Im happy to hear that

wet basin
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:) Hope you’re doing well too

tulip wing
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hes disgusting

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sigh gamer men

wet basin
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It is gross

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Like I like playing games still but like

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Bro

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The year just started and I was very front loaded with marching band football games this year

wet basin
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I feel like I should

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Probably finally block him

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I feel kinda nervous because I kinda want to just tell him or talk to him one last time

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I’m starting therapy in a week and tbh not having him blocked and there always being that option

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Like kinda drives me a bit crazy

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Especially cus it’s not like I want to be friends again

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Yea

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It’s only be like 5 weeks since we’ve been no contact

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Which isn’t much for “no contact” :/

whole oriole
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@wet basin

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Dont unblock him

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Dont reach out

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Your so so close

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1 week and you can go to therapy

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Dont give in

wet basin
# whole oriole Dont unblock him

He isn’t blocked rn. We’ve unadded each other on practically everything but our numbers aren’t blocked. It’s cus we thought maybe in a few months we could be friends but tbh I don’t feel like we should anymore.

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I probably shouldn’t message anyways though

hollow cliff
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that's insane progress

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that shift in mindset

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keep it up

wet basin
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Yea it’s been up and down

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Hope things keep going up

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I really miss him sometimes though

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It’ll be better in the long run

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He was always late to everything

wet basin
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I don’t know what I’m going to do when I graduate in 2 years because I always planned on moving in with him after I graduate

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Like getting a house or apartment together and it would be easy cause we would have 2 incomes

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But it’s just me supporting me with my future now

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Yea my parents help but I’m going to be working in NY (hopefully)

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since I’ll be licensed there

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Just my goals and dreams are

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Pretty far gone when it comes to love life

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I don’t even know when I’d start dating again

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I’m the one who asked him out not him asking me

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I don’t know if I want to make the first move again because I feel like it led to him not really liking me for awhile and kinda just dating to be with someone

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He loved me at some point just he wasn’t really as into me as I was into him

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I wish we shared the same dreams

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I would’ve supported him through the rest of our lives. I just wish he would’ve had some aspirations rather than changing things completely every few months despite studying for a performance degree

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I had so many dreams and plans wirh him

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I wish things went differently

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I feel like everyone I’ve been close to I’ve always seen them so much higher than they see me

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All the time. Even now I thought someone was my Bestfriend but now I’m kinda just a side thing. Like I’m never anyone’s number one

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I always care too much

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And I get attached too much and always end up getting hurt when I realize I think higher or the person than they think of me

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I want to be lovable in life

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I wish I was prettier and a better person

inland ridge
robust turtle
whole oriole
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And becoming a better person is something you can definitely work on!!

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And i dont know you personally, but you seem like a good person to me

wet basin
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Thanks y’all

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I need to remind myself we aren’t together anymore I just had the worst 2 dreams about him with someone else and they were doing stuff at my house and it was weird

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He prob doesn’t even know I’m in town which feels strange

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Because we always would hangout when I was like everyday

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I mean

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To me looks don’t really matter much, I always found him cute

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I wouldn’t call him conventionally attractive though like

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No ur so good

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I really don’t mind lol, thank you :)

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It’s all good :)

wet basin
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Like I know it shouldn’t affect me if he goes and dates someone cus we aren’t together or really talk though

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I just think it would make me feel a bit strange if he did date someone now after 2.5 years together

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Dating within like 2 months of us breaking up seems wrong to me

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His mind has shifted like a lot about relationships tho so like

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We both were each other’s longest relationship and prior he only was in like short term relationship that weren’t relationship based rlly

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Just nsfw ones that were just using him rlly

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That’s why I always tried to be patient with him because he wasn’t coming from like a good relationship place. Maybe in another life we could’ve worked

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I know he tried

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We both did

wet basin
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I don’t think anyone I’ve ever loved in life has stayed in my life

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And kinda just got reminded about that by my mom indirectly

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Just was prying a bit too much about experiences in high school and life right now

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She asked if I was happy in life

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I saw yea btw tbh no

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Because the last person I loved purely with all my heart left me

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And the person I thought was my Bestfriend is slowly drifting away to some other people

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And I’m scared to get close to people now because I feel like it’s bad to love me and idk what to do

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She said I have a family that loves me but my dad doesn’t even talk to me and since I got back yesterday my brother has been saying how I’m going to make no money later in life compared to him who’s not even studying anything he’s in high school

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As in not soemthing specific. He says as a buisness major he’ll def make more and it’s just not something I need to hear every second since I’ve been back

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I miss just having 1 person I can talk to I feel like I’ve been constantly dealing with most stuff alone since the breakup because I feel horrible bothering people irl

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And I feel like that’s part of why they left cus I seem miserable all the time but just everything has been going downhill constantly

robust turtle
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im happy you have a journal here because i would feel the same in your spot 😞

wet basin
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And here I am again writing about a gone relationship. Both are very different points in my life tho but it’s helped so much

wet basin
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I want to go see him

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And just catch up

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Or even just play a game idk

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Maybe I’m weird and the crazy ex

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I say that as a joke but every once and awhile I seem like it and sounds like I’m coping with my poor decision

orchid imp
wet basin
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Thank you it’s appreciated

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Like they didn’t date for a relationship they dated for nsfw stuff

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It wasn’t rlly close tied connections from what he explained

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Yea that’s why I tried to understand alot of where he was coming from at the start with the stuff he thought was normal on a relationship but wasn’t

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And he changed a lot just like only so much you can change as he said

wet basin
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It’s not even cheating it’s just him moving on with life and I’m stuck here

wet basin
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If things were different we would’ve been together tonight

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It’s so weird being broken up but he’s only 5 minutes down the road

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Not the standard 200+ miles when I’m at school

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At this time last year we would’ve been laughing and having a great time together

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But not we are just 2 people that live a few minutes away from each other

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I miss loving someone

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Loving him

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It’s over

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I’m going to be in Europe this year for new years. I sorta talked about this with him cus we usually spent new years together

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As in his parents usually had a little thing with his neighbors and I’d come over

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Didn’t matter in the end anyways but I mentioned to him maybe some year for new years him and I can go somehwete

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Again didn’t really matter in the end

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Even when we spent new years together it wasn’t like

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Crazy though

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First year he fell asleep so like we didn’t kiss at new years and I kinda just sat there as he slept

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Second year also didn’t rlly kiss right at new years cus he wanted me to kiss him first not other way around

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Which is fine ig but a lot of his friends and family were around

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Idk why he couldn’t just kiss me

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It’s weird how life goes

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I really loved him

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I stayed through everything and tried to work through everything

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Cus I wanted things to work out so bad and I wanted to have a loving relationship with him I just wish he felt the same

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I knew it was always going to be me who loved him more

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Even at the end I asked if there’s anything else he wanted to say to just get it off his chest/for closure kinda and he didn’t really say much

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While there was so much I wanted to say

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So much

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It felt like I meant so little to him and he meant the entire world to me

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It was always me who had to comfort him whenever he hurt me

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Everytime I found something out

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I had to comfort him for me being upset

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I don’t know what to talk about on Monday when I start therapy

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He was hoping I’d breakup with him while I was thinking of ways for us to get closer again

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When we broke up I was just like “yea I agree, yea I agree, I agree” but tbh I want to scream

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Because a lot of it I didn’t know was a problem or didn’t bother me

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I wanted to love him forever why couldn’t he ever see me the same way

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To be loved unconditionally just doesn’t seem like something I’m ever going to get

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I wish I got flowers more often

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I always wanted flowers

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I wish I was worth his time he always ran late while I waited

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But if it upset me I’m in the wrong

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I want to be lovable so bad

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Even just platonically

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Just to be someone’s favorite for once

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I don’t think I have any close friends I’ve known more than 2 years that I actively talk to

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Close friends = I barely hangout with him outside of classes still

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I don’t know why I’m even here anymore like

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I’m in a constant loop of getting close with people and them drifting off or just cutting me off

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What am I doing wrong

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I thought I grew as a person when I started talking about problems and always trying to work things out

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Why do things still end up like this

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I was told it’s ok to not be having a good time but it’s really not when people stop talking to me because I’m really really struggling each day

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I try to not seem miserable all the time but it’s so hard when my life is like a rock rolling down hill since September

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I feel like such a burden to everyone all the time

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I just really need someone to understand and be there but I feel like I’m such a draining person

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I’m trying my best

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People always say the person who is asked out falls harder than the person who liked the person first but I don’t think that’s true

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Because even when it’s been a month a half I still have feelings for him

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I just wanted to love him

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And to be loved

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But I don’t know if I was ever made to be loved at this point

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Because it feels like everyone else around me is loved so much by friends and family and partners

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But why am I always crying alone

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Always spending breaks alone always alone

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I don’t go out often because no one rlly asks if I’m going to

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I really

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Try

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I wish I was a different person

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Because I really wish I was the type to go out with friends and have fun

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But I feel lonely all the time and like I’m just not supposed to be loved

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This is how things are supposed to be I’m just not the type to be loved I’m just supposed to love others

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I feel embarrassed of myself as a person and I think the conversation my mom and I had today was just

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Really embarassing

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She kept trying to pry about high school and what happened with a friend group I was in and if my ex and I had been talking recently

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I’m just so pathetic. I feel like the only one who doesn’t have friends at home to go out with

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Like I’m such a loser

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And it feels like that even to my mom. Like it’s uncool if I’m not social but I had such social anxiety for almost my entire life I’m just

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I’m trying so hard but even when I’m myself people still leave

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It’s like there’s no winning

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And I hate this because it sounds like I’m the person from those posts that are like “everyone leaves me person when I find out why everyone leaves” because I don’t know why everyone leaves

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I wish someone would just tell me why when they leave instead of just leaving one day or slowly drifting off

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I wish I could hug people more

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I feel scared to be vulnerable often

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And I feel horrible when I cry in front of others

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I just thought he was being fr when he said he was going to stay and change for me

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Whyd he have to still have photos

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Why couldn’t it have just

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Been me from the stat

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Start

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Cus for me it was always just him

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I wish someone loved me as just me

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But maybe that’s just

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Not why I’m here

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Sometimes I think of calling and texting him because I have literally nothing in life to loose anymore

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Not to get back together but to be upset about all the things he did to me and left like I was nothing

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It’s stupid and selfish

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But I just am so done with everything

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I thought I had a few close friends when we first broke up but as it went on I didn’t want o bother them anymore and felt like I just was being draining

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I’m so done with everything

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I feel like growing up I’ve usually been punished being sad

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Like my dad would get mad at me and my mom would just take me home instead

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I just want someone to comfort me for once with it being upset at me

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Not that my mom doesn’t love me but to be comforted would’ve meant more to be than being told we are canceling plans

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Or I’m being a bother for being upset

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Because I don’t think I’ve had 1 person consistently there for me and it gets tiring getting terrified whenever I get slightly close to someone

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And I hate when my family asks if there’s “any guys of interest” or “got a man?” Like no I just wanted 1 particular person

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I don’t want to go date someone else when I really loved him and did so much

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And it’s barely been over a month and a half

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I’m exhausted so mentally exhausted of trying to get close to people to just be quickly replaced

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It’s like I’ve never been worth the effort for anyone

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Even my friends just plane out will say someone was better than me in highschool

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Why am I so unloveable

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Idk why I thought for awhile maybe he’d reach out to me

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I’m so stupid

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It was always me reaching out or calling first

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I’m so stupid for thinking he would

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He said he would be the one to break no contact first prob

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Why am I always so stupid

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I always get close to people for them to leave all the time why do I even bother

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I’m too hard to love

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I liked when we used to call at night because even after my worst days and 200+ miles between us being able to fall asleep on call with him made me less scared and worried at night

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He sometimes wanted my make sure I hung up

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But every once and awhile I felt calm for once at night

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I just needed someone to make sure I got to sleep alright

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Because there’s been times in my life where every night I’d cry

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I hope I don’t have the same nightmare as last night

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And I’m stupid for thinking of reaching out to him all the time because I know he’s fine without me

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He was hoping I’d leave him

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I’m stupid becuase I think about going out to breakfast with him and talking like we used to

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I’m stupid for still trying to make time for him when he wanted me to leave him

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I’m stupid for loving him

wet basin
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Part of me likes to pretend that he actually regrets his decision and misses me

wraith coral
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Hey, I read your story and I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a lot of stuff, I hope you're doing well now. If you need to vent I'm here I would like to cheer you up in anyway. Take care don't be so rough to yourself

wet basin
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That’s actually such a nice compliment, thank you :)

wet basin
wet basin
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I wonder if he ever thinks of me even a fraction of the amount I think about him

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Sometimes I check his Spotify and see he listens to romance songs and I’m delusional and like to think it’s cus he misses me

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Tomorrow is my first day of therapy

wet basin
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It’s so painful looking back on it all just because the day before we were both talking so happily

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And he was saying how excited he was to see me that weekend

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And how we had plans

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And how we were going to go out places

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And why did he even care if I was busy that weekend when he was literally up seeing some of his friends

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Like he went to their college 2 hours away

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So he couldn’t even do anything

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As in with me if he wanted

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And even then I texted him about how he was and checking in on what he’s up to

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And calling

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And like

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What was the problem

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It’s so stupid how it ended

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Cus it didn’t end in a big fight it just ended in me agreeing with a bunch of stuff I wish he cared enough to work through

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I still loved him I would’ve worked through it like I gave him time to work through stuff

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I didn’t mind h th e distance cus at the end of the day I still loved him

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I still loved him

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And he was still my Bestfriend

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Why couldn’t he view me like I viewed him

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That morning I felt bad

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The morning he broke up with me

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Because he was letting my dog out which he has before and he was annoying me a bit before he called me and kept asking questions and it was really early and I had to work on homework

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And he kept asking me questions like if we had tweezers so he could get a tick off my dog but I told him to just leave it until my mom got back because my dog gets nervous and a bit aggressive when even people she knows tries to get ticks off her

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And I was really stressed because I had homework to do and he got upset I think because I was being snappy

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I just was really stressed out but that doesn’t mean I have to be mean

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And I told him later something felt wrong between us

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Something didn’t feel right

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And then he left that night

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I always saw our relationship as just if there were issues we would fix it

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There were times like he drove me a crazy but I just

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I just thought that’s how long term relationships go soemtimes

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And then we work through problem

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But he didn’t tell me how he felt at all until that night

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And how he was kinda hoping I’d breakup up

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And he told he knew he wouldn’t have probably ever if he didn’t that night

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So he had to that night

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Why’d he do that

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He said he always thought distance was temporary but then thought more about me having maybe 4 more years because of grad school and didn’t think he could do it

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I always dreamed he’d just move up here after he graduated from his associates soon but I can’t make him base his future location off me

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He said he’d be open to moving to a different state cus I’d be licensed there

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So I kinda just

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Assumed

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I briefly mentioned it a few times of us moving in

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Idk I feel like it was just me thinking of him in my future sometimes

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And I’m still here always debating on texting or meeting up with him even after it all

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After all the nsfw stuff and him leaving me in literally the busiest time

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Because I still love him even after it all

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I keep debating if I miss him or just the high moments we had

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The happy times

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But tbh I feel like it’s him because even after it all I worked through it because I really really loved him

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And I wanted nothing more than things to work out even form the start

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It felt like

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I was always destined to love more though

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And it kinda

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Stung for awhile when he told me I loved him more

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It was just a silly game but being told that kinda

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Stung a bit

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Thanks cat bot

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He took it back eventually and hated when I brought it up

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But

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Idk

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Sometimes it felt like

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I was always in the wrong for expressing

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Something he did hurting me

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Because if he made me upset he got upset and it qas up to me to make him happy again for making me upset

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I still loved him through it all

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I think part of me hoped he would treat me how I wanted at some point

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And at the end

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He started to

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But it’s a bit late for him to change after 2.5 years

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I just wish he got me flowers sooner

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I wish he stopped the nsfw stuff sooner

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And the original reason he stopped is cus he thought it was ||affecting him being able to finish|| (nsfw) it wasn’t even really for me

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It was just him

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Which isn’t bad rlly for him stopping for him but like

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It wasn’t him focusing on me as a girl instead of the other girls online

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Idk how to word that

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Just I wish he was able to see how it made me feel and love me

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I wish he loved me like I loved him

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Because I really adored him more than anything. I would’ve dropped things if I knew how much the time we spent together meant. I would’ve made more time. I really wouldve but everytime I said I had school work to do that day he always just said it’s fine and that I’m busy

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He never got upset about it or showed it as an issue it was always just I’m busy with school work and practicing and activities

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Or if I was crashing out on him and I felt bad he’d just say no no it’s fine I’m a good girlfriend

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When it wasn’t good

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He never told me how it was bad though he always just told me it’s nothing and that I’m a good girlfriend

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I just wish I knew it was a problem because I would’ve fixed it

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He never gave me a chance even

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And I always gave him changes

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Chances

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I gave him chances everytime he did something f that hurt me

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I would’ve changed

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I would’ve

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I would’ve changed if I knew it was a problem

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Because it was worth it me why didn’t he tell me

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And I told him this when we last met up that I didn’t know it was a problem and he mentioned the day I found the photos

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And just suddenly I’m again in the wrong for being upset about something he did

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When

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When that happened I just

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I again comforted him

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For finding something that hurt me

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I never got

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The time to be upset and comforted

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At least when it qas about him

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He would comfort me if I was upset about other things like family matters

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But

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If he did something

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He cried when I found the photos

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And thought I was going to breakup with him that night

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And I was

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Really devestated

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Because for over a year I rebuilt everything after he stopped watching the nsfw stuff

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I rebuilt so much trust and love

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And I was I happy to be in love with him

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But that night just

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Everything came crashing

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Why’d he have to have the photos

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He said he didn’t know they were there which I want to believe

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But I know we were dating during the time he had them

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I remeber when we first started dating

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Because I was so ready to get to know him as a person

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But he

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Rushed a lot with

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A lot of things I wasn’t ready for

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I remeber our second date when he was in my room

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I cried when he left

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And that’s when I called him after he got out of work the next day and we agreed to take things slower

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I didn’t want to kiss him the week after we started dating

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But I felt like if I didn’t

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He would’ve left

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That was my first kiss

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He would’ve been fine if I said no

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But at that point in my life and now it’s just

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If I said no to something it was just like I was scared people would leave

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And then on our second date he told me he was || hard || (nsfw) and I didn’t know what to do

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He was going to sleepover that night but I was so glad he didn’t when he left

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Because to me I really just wanted to get to know him as a good friend while we dated first

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But he wanted more and I felt so bad

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I felt terrified because I liked him for months before this

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I didn’t want anything nsfw I wanted to be loved

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I can’t do hookup culture I can’t

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I can’t do it because I just wanted to feel loved and cared for by someone

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I can’t with lustful stuff I can’t

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||the first time we tried to have sex I started crying because I was terrified because we only had been dating for 6 months and I was a virgin and I didn’t really want to|| (nsfw) I just feel sick sometimes thinking about the start of our relationship because he was everything I ever wanted at the end but why did that all

#

I’m probably majorly over sharing

#

And when I started crying he did hug me and stopped but I was so uncomfortable from the start and he kept trying and I was terrified and cold and miserable

#

He stopped when I started crying but why’d it have to go that far

#

Why didn’t he stop earlier when I was scared

#

I would take a night of cuddling and watching movies any day over nsfw stuff I just wanted to be loved not listed

#

Lusted

#

I literally can’t with certain things people deem normal in relationships now a days

#

Becaude sometimes I look innocent asf for wanting a loving connection before nsfw stuff

#

I would rather have no nsfw stuff and be loved than have to go through hookup culture which kinda kills me because that’s so prominent in college

#

My ex and I were together in high school and it was supposed to be so much better

#

But in college like half the people at my school just want hookups I can’t do that

#

That’s not my thing

#

This was majorly over sharing about my life probably

#

And he hated how he aacted at the start of our relationship and he told me that

#

And he never pressured me to do nsfw stuff after the first time when I cried

#

He was so create and kind at the last few months it just was way to late for him

#

And it’s so painful because if the start wasn’t so miserable we would’ve been so great

#

And he knows that too he always mentioned that he wishes I met him at a different point in life

#

He said he wishes I met him before he got involved with his ex’s

#

And that I would’ve been more happier with him as a person and we’d have more in common at the time

#

Not that we didn’t but he used to play Minecraft a lot more

#

Which he played anyways at some points so

#

I just wish he treated me right earlier

#

We would’ve been great and we both know that

#

We would’ve both been so happy because I truly loved him and I know at some point he used to love me

#

He just treated me so poorly at the start that it killed the rest of our relationship no matter how hard we tried to fix things

#

This is why it’s so hard to tell my mom and family what happened

#

Because it’s so embarrassing and I hate them thinking bad about him

#

I only recently mentioned the nsfw stuff he used to watch to my brother

#

But my mom doesn’t know

#

To my family they just know “oh it just wasn’t working out”

#

They don’t know about the start

#

I just want to be loved for me not lusted I want to be loved

#

And feel safe

#

I feel sick about it all

wet basin
#

He used to have a really bad ||porn|| (nsfw) addiction like every single day he’d watch stuff. And just in general he was a rushing stuff at the start of our relationship or he’d plane out just barley prioritize me

#

Like at our formal he didn’t know if he wanted to go do stuff with me after because he thought he may be called for a Roblox event or something

#

And like if we called he would constantly go on his computer

#

He didn’t anymore

#

When I brought it up he stopped

#

He changed so much throughout the relationship

#

Thats why I kinda feel bad sometimes telling people what happened because it makes him seem really bad but he changed so much as person and I was really proud of him. A lot of the stuff he doesn’t do anymore and he really was great at the end just it was way too late and then the photos popped up which killed it

#

Yea but that’s not something I’m dealing with in a relationship personally. To me it’s very very very close to cheating

#

It caused a ton of issues in our relationship and was a big reason we ended up breaking up. He didn’t watch it in the end but I don’t want to date someone who is constantly looking at other girls on their phone like that

#

Some are alright with it but it’s just not personally alright to me in a relationship

wraith coral
wet basin
#

He stopped like over a year ago and he was so much better about it and actually hated it. Like he suspected his brother of doing the same thing and told him he should stop

#

So things were getting better he just never deleted somethings off his phone :| which was like

#

Like he said he didn’t know they were there which he prob didn’t but it’s like it’s years man how am I supposed to erase those images from my mind now

wraith coral
wet basin
#

No it had to do with the addiction side and that once he started it kinda just ruined a lot of things in his life

wraith coral
#

He won't know that

wet basin
#

Just him as a person he probably didn’t know he still had them from that time period but it still hurt that they were there cus as u said it’s his phone so

wraith coral
#

Honestly I'm saying I think you did it right before things went insane. I hope you get what I'm trying to say

wet basin
#

Yea in the long run it will be ok I know just like if that stuff didn’t happen it was gonna be alright

#

We both have different experiences in life. To me that stuff personally makes me physically sick and I can’t watch it and I’ve seen how it ruins how people view others

#

You may have a completely different experience but that’s just how I’ve seen it affect me and other’s lives

#

And you don’t have to, we both just have had different experiences with how it’s affected us

wraith coral
#

So I totally understand

wet basin
#

It just kills people in the long run. Like in a past relationship I was ok with the nsfw watching but as I got older I really understood of view of it killing relationships and I just can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone long term again with them watching that stuff while still saying they love me and only me

#

Bro me personally I’m not alright with my s/o getting off to other girls online and find it the same as physically cheating

wraith coral
#

It's different bro watching porns or explicit content and watching other women's nudes

#

Nothing just leave it

wet basin
#

It’s fine just some people have different experiences and personally I’ve only had negative experiences especially in romance

#

Like to the point it killed my 2.5 year relationship. It’s not something I’m like positive about

#

You will be in one at some point. Those experiences are just where we have different mindsets where nsfw stuff affects relationships

#

And hopefully you don’t have to be in a place someday where it affects it like it did with mine and others

fallen cave
#

Tldr what is this post about?? All those paragraphs are stressing me out so much

robust turtle
#

i didnt even see your messages before talking myself so im not accusing you dw Yummers

#

i think ur very much right

wet basin
#

I had my first therapy appointment and it was pretty good

#

We planned another one

robust turtle
#

yay!! do you think it helped at least a bit for the first day?

wet basin
#

A lot of questions related to symptoms that made me think about the causes for somethings just social problems I have

wet basin
#

Everyday I try so hard not to message or call my ex

#

To meet up and talk about what we’ve both been up to

#

But then I also have to remember he kinda wanted me to breakup with him and like

#

Part of me then also wants to ask how long but part of me kinda feels like it was a month and from the time I left

#

I have so many

#

Questions and just upsets about what happened

#

It’s not good to message I just miss late night talks and stuff with him and kinda wish for it back

#

It’s not good or healthy

#

And I shouldn’t

#

I should let him go he wanted this

#

I have to stop

#

I keep wanting to message him and meet up

#

Like just

#

Talking

#

Like I really want o have just a nice late night conversation with him and talk about what we are up to lately

#

See how he’s doing

#

Part of me just doesn’t want to think it’s all over and we won’t talk again

#

I know it’s all for the best and most the time I’m thinking I really don’t want to be together

#

Because of all that happened

#

But then I think of all we did together and all the plans we had

#

And how just the day before we broke up we were talking about our plans

#

And just I mentioned something felt off and then

#

It all went down

#

I can’t belive for over a month he was hoping I’d breakup with him

#

Maybe I’m exaggerating idk but that’s why it sounded like

#

I wish he would’ve texted me

#

Instead of me feeling desperate

#

Not that I’ve messaged him since break but even then it was me messaging about talking about stuff in person instead of just on call and I’m the one who was working on returning stuff

#

Like it makes me feel pathetic because it felt like I’m the only one who cared through it all start to finish

#

Or like he only met up with me in person before out of pity because I was only back for so many days

#

I try to hate him but I used to love him so much

#

I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone with as much of myself and as purely as I did with him

wet basin
#

I like to think maybe some day we would get back together after years apart like a hallmark movie or some sh

#

But this is real life and it’s really over and we are both going to see other people

#

At some point

wet basin
#

He told me he liked cheesecake and I got a cheesecake recipe from my grandma because I wanted to make him cheesecake some day

#

Didn’t end up happening but he loved cheesecake

#

I’m stupid for having put him in my future for so long

#

I thought we had a future

wet basin
#

Im so done for

#

I think I’m going to ask my ex if he wants to catch up and talk tn but tbh if we do I think I’ll ask him to block me at the end cus I don’t like waiting to see if he’d text me

#

Actually he may have rehearsal tn

#

Or I need to not message him

#

I do this every night

#

But then again I only live once and

#

That’s a horrible way

#

To view everything

#

I’m so done for

#

It looks like I have no self respect

#

All the time

#

Because all I want to do is text him and it’s only been me texting first since we broke up when returning stuff

#

Because I look so desperate

#

I think I need him to block me tbh or just reject me like a final time

#

Like I need a bad note

#

I need one last conversation where he blocks me at the end

#

Like the idea of meeting up with him again makes me want to cry but I also want to cry with the regret of not saying anything

#

Like I thought we got closure but I feel like hell and I know if we meet up tonight at the end when I say we should block each other I’m going to leave in tears

#

But I’m so tired of acting like it’s all done

#

Like

#

I need a last conversation where it’s just

#

Over

wet basin
#

I messaged him after much conversation

#

I really hope he doesn’t send me a voice memo like he usually does

#

I don’t want o hear a voice memo I just want a yes or no oml

#

I don’t even know if he’s home rn

#

I know I need to just to end it one last time but like

#

The thought o messaging him and talking to him again for the first time in so long

#

I don’t know when he’s going to respond last time he responded in like a minute

#

That was when I was kinda worth a bit more of his time

#

Now we are ex’s

#

It’s only been like 2 minutes

#

He may be out with friends which I home not because I don’t want him talking to his friends about me and makes me look lowkey desperate :(

#

Not that he can’t like ask friends for advice but I hate looking crazy :(

#

Or I hope I didn’t ruin his night if he was out

#

Or if he’s with another girl or something I don’t like I jump to conclusions

#

Or just think too much

#

That’d actually be really horrible if he actually just ghosted me

#

Like :(

#

He said probably call is fine but not in person

#

Which is fine tbh

#

I’d prefer in person cus I rather talk in person in general but like

#

I said if he’s not comfortable with it it’s fine so

#

Big ask especially cus it’s raining so

wet basin
#

Holy shit he’s actually a really horrible human being

#

I thought I’d leave the conversation crying because I’d miss him but I was crying because of how horrible he is of a person

#

Like he’s actually horrible and I will defend his name to my family but holy fuck he’s horrible actually

#

I almost threw up

whole oriole
wet basin
# whole oriole what happened

He lied about why we broke up first off like not only did he breakup with me over phone but he blamed it on me when that wasn’t why

#

He broke up because he just was treating me shitty and said the relationship was going to get worse

#

And he’s already talking to another girl and says he’s going to “break the cycle” when I literally keep telling people that it would be weird if I date someone else at this point because it’s only been a month and a half and we dated for 2.5 years

#

And I’ve been literally defending his name all the time like if people say he was horrible I say no he’s not and how much he changed as a person

#

Like I never told my mom what happened at the start of our relationship because I didn’t want her thinking bad of him

#

Because it meant barely anything to him while I’ve literally struggled so much for a month because I really loved him while he’s already talking to someone new

#

We called originally because I was having a hard time moving on so I wanted to block each other on stuff. I still liked him this past month and the idea of us saying we can still reach out to each other or we may be friends some day hindered me being able to move on. Like I literally never loved someone as much as I did him but I guess didn’t go both ways

#

And I feel so bad for this girl he’s talking to. No matter what kind of thing he’s trying to have with her because he said “we are still talking about what we want” but he’s literally on the phone with me (his ex) and told me “I’ll never find someone with you’re kind of humor”

#

seriously I told him I really hope he goes and tells her what happened because that’s horrible if he doesn’t

#

Blaming the breakup on me is crazy. Because I would do anything for him and he wasn’t being right so he broke up with me on the phone and blamed me and now is trying to break the cycle with some new girl after less than 2 months

#

I’m going to be able to move on faster but it’s really heartbreaking to spend 3 years having a thing for someone and giving them so many chances and having so many memories for that to happen

#

Like not that I thought it would be great if we got back together especially like at the time but he plane out said like we would never next back together to someone because he didn’t want the cycle of him being shitty

#

Like he can’t do that again

#

Why’d he do that then if he didn’t want the cycle like what

#

The start of the conversation was alright but then it just went downhill fast

#

My 3 year long life lesson

wet basin
#

Like what the hell man

wet basin
#

I told my mom what happened

wet basin
#

I like don’t anymore

#

Because I liked him as a person and he meant a lot to me. We had a lot of good memories

#

A lot in common, grew a lot

#

But I don’t like him anymore

#

As in break the cycle of acting wrongly in a relationship

#

Which was him

#

So pretty much acting right for a new person

#

I mean not “fine” but better because now I can really move on because I don’t like him anymore

#

Yea I am, especially because it’s not like I’m focusing on missing him or trying to justify him being good to people

#

I mean it was more me bringing it up because of explaining the breakup to them and then them saying he’s being horrible

#

Or my mom brings him up because we dated for such an extended time

wet basin
#

I know I’ll move on faster but it’s really heartbreaking that we went through all that for him to just go give everything I wanted him to be to another girl

#

When I stayed with him through it all just to leave

#

I spent so much time and money on him

#

For what

#

Those memories were so much to me and like

#

He knew all the ways people treated me at the time and before

#

And he still just made reasons up to leave me like people did before

#

He says it wasn’t me but why was he fine with leaving to go talk to someone else

#

I know it’s not my fault about what happened in the relationship but why’d he do that

#

I was there for him at all his lowest even last night when he said he was glad we talked because he wasn’t able to tell anyone the struggles he’s had the last month

#

So stupid

#

I want to cry. Not because I miss him but because I hate how he treated me

#

Part of me wants to go find out who the girl is, not to message but just know

#

But that’s

#

Not healthy

#

I just need to get away from this all

wet basin
#

This is actually one of the most sickening experiences I think I’ve had so far

#

Like just the entire relationship

#

I hope I never have to experience love like that again

wet basin
#

I don’t know when I’ll be able to date someone again not because I still like him but because I’m actually terrified now to love someone

#

Because I didn’t do anything wrong and he still left to go treat someone better

#

I really tried

#

I’m terrified to ever go through something like that again

#

I’m terrified to ever have to love someone again and be treated like that and have them move on so quick

#

I can’t do that

#

I don’t think I’ve ever had someone in my life who loved me unconditionally

#

I’m actually terrified because I put 3 years into liking someone for them to move on quick

#

And my mom is like there’s no time frame yea but I just have had a month of missing him and he’s fine

#

Life is terrifying

#

I didn’t want another life lesson I just wanted to be loved for once

#

And he said he did and why did he do that to me

#

And he said he wouldn’t date for awhile and he said he didn’t find himself removing stuff or deleting photos but in one call I found out he deleted all the photos and was talking to someone new

#

I can’t deal with something like this again

#

This keeps happening in life I don’t even know why I trusted him

#

He changed so much in our relationship just to go treat another girl how I wanted to after I built him up

#

I built him up to be the perfect guy for someone else

#

I don’t want to go back to being scared to love again

#

I used to be so scared to love someone because each time it’s ended in ways that were blamed on me

#

And he blamed me too

#

Then admitted he lied

#

And how it wasn’t a problem

#

He lied to blame it on me and have me wondering where it all went wrong

#

Now I’m wondering who the girl is and I hate that I care and I want to just let go I don’t want to go through this loop again

#

I don’t want to have to wonder what she looks like or what she has that I couldn’t

#

And I asked what I did wrong and he said nothing it was all him

#

But why did he do this to me

#

I never loved someone like that

#

And he didn’t feel the same

#

I don’t want to waste my energy anymore

#

I don’t want to waste my energy on this anymore I don’t want to cry anymore

#

I don’t want to cry anymore about this

#

I don’t want to hurt anymore

#

I was there supporting him through it all

#

When he had to save up for tuition I still paid for dinner even when I was also unemployed

#

I still planned on places to take him out even when I was unemployed

#

I still paid

#

I was with him when he didn’t have a job and had a lot of family pressure

#

I was there when he was planning to change career paths several times

#

And even after I kept defending him

#

I hate how I loved him

#

Because I loved him such a large gap more

#

And he hasn’t even told his parents what he did to me because he was worried how they’d view him

#

I gave him so many chances

#

And he’s not going to classes next semester and he told me how this month has been bad financially

#

But then j see he’s on steam 3+ hours each day

#

Which isn’t a ton but for someone who can be working and studying

#

I don’t know when he’s ever planning to leave his house either like move out

#

He’s 21 years old, he has a job but apparently not enough to cover his classes, he’s changing careers for probably the 10-15th time

#

It doesn’t affect me anymore

#

But holy shit

#

He’s not going to school next semester

#

Because he won’t be able to graduate on time because he dropped a class this semester because he didn’t understand it but he also dropped a class in the past because he had a B- or something

#

He thought the B- would make him not be able to transfer to some other school he didn’t even transfer too

#

I was there through everything

#

Literally everything. Even after work each night I would stop by his house when I could

#

I’d even go to his job sometimes to spend some time with him

#

Or if he wanted to try a new game or see a movie or show I’d see it

#

Not to sound arrogant but I had so much to offer and it just wasn’t reciprocated

#

And he’s talking to some new girl about what they both want in a relationship but gosh I feel horrible for her if she’s looking for a genuine relationship because he isn’t going to school for probably a year at least

#

Not that you need a college degree, but he has no desire or dreams anymore

#

Like he dropped his current degree pretty much and isn’t going to apply to this finance degree until next fall

#

And his job isn’t giving enough money if he’s still having his mom pay for tuition and stuff

#

And he still had hella stuff form me everywhere and was legit calling me 2 days ago saying he won’t find someone like me or with certain traits and sh

#

If they’re just looking for a hookup good for her but there’s no way it’s going to last if she’s trying a genuine connection with him rn

#

I would feel so grossed if someone I was getting to know was just on the phone with their ex saying how she’s all these things

#

I don’t know about how others feel but I could never

#

I know one day I’ll find someone who treats me how I want to be treated

#

And I won’t have to worry about offer girls ever again

#

Other*

#

At least it ended now and not years later. I always got scared about dating someone who isn’t the right person because my parents had that. They were married 20 years and divorced and now my dad barely contacts me besides when I’m home.

#

I would hate to have kids in the future who have a dad that treats them how my dad did growing up

#

I hope I never have to experience loving someone like this again

#

And I hope no one else does either because it’s actually crushing to put so much into a relationship after taking time to get to know someone for them to make up reasons to leave and go date someone new not long after with intentions of treating them how u wanted to be treated

#

Especially after building that person up to be a good partner

#

I built him into the person he is now and he knows that and has openly said that several times

#

Literally called me a god send for how different he became after knowing me and how his behavior changed af tree t

#

After*

#

Seriously so stupid I hate loving people

#

I hope god has a better plan for me than having to waste 16% of my life so far on someone that was never going to love me back how I wanted and needed

#

I hate that moving on quickly is normalized even my mom was kinda saying it was

#

She didn’t agree how he treated me tho

#

And what he did about the breakup

#

I hate how so many things are normalized now

#

Like it makes me feel like I’m asking for too much in a relationship with the stuff people deem normal and acceptable

wet basin
#

This break has been so hell

#

I have so much work I haven’t done

#

Mostly from depressive episode

#

The mental stress is killing me but I hope things look up now that I’ve learned all these things

#

I hope my winter break isn’t full of any mental stress because idk what I’m going to do without people here besides family to do stuff with

#

I will be going on vacation at some point which is nice

#

But it’s sickening thinking of the last 3 years and just last night

#

I need more days off tbh to rot in bed and stuff

#

I jsut need more days to not have to do work

#

Because I don’t know how I’ll be able to mentally do work when I go back

#

Like I have so much work to do but I feel like life has just been constantly beating me down

#

No one has been staying in my life and I’ve become terrified for my future

#

I can’t believe I wasted 3 years of my life

#

And he’s already moved on

#

Like

#

I (don’t) miss him

#

Like maybe I’m weird but less than 2 months to move on from a 2.5 year relationship we once built a future from is crazy to me

#

And I hate that even my mom thought it was normal

#

But I just can’t move on like that

#

Like I can’t have loved someone for that long and just go on like nothing happened but I think that comes from just people constantly leaving too so I put alot of me into close relationships when I get them

#

And I thought he felt the same but I guess now

#

I thought maybe it was different with me

#

He used to move on quickly to new relations before we dtard

#

Dated*

#

And I thought he changed and I always got scared if he went back to sexual relationships and other girls and nsfw as soon as we ended

#

And I wasn’t half wrong

#

But he’s trying his best for another girl who doesn’t love him like I used to

#

Didn’t put the work in like I did

#

Didn’t try like I did

#

I don’t miss him anymore but gosh does it hurt to go through something like this

#

He didn’t treat me right but the idea of him going to go treat someone right after I built him up is so crushing

#

And after less than 2 months

#

And I took so much blame at first because he blamed me

#

I would’ve done anything for him and he treated me like that

#

It was never going to be me from the start and I’m terrified of going through something like this again in life

#

And here I am also thinking his Spotify recent listens were related to me but I’m stupid

#

I’m so stupid to think I even crossed his mind these past few weeks

#

It’s always me who cares too much in life when is it my turn to have someone care about me like that

#

I don’t think anyone in life has been worried about loosing me

#

I don’t know if I can go through this again why am I even doing this anymore

#

I don’t want to cry anymore

#

I want to scream

#

He knew about my hardships with people leaving and he still chose to make things up

#

After all I did and all my patience with him

#

I don’t want to cry anymore

#

Especially not alone all the time

#

This last month I wanted to go back in time so bad and fix what happened

#

I’m so stupid

#

I’m so stupid for thinking of him so highly

#

Even after the nsfw stuff I still loved him and tried

#

Why was I never worth the effort I can’t do this anymore

#

I can’t do this anymore I can’t go through getting close o another person for them to leave

#

I never thought it would be him of all people to after what he told me last time about not dating for awhile

#

He didn’t cheat by starting to talk to someone new but it sure felt like I meant nothing to him

#

I hate having no appetite and crying all the time

#

I hate pretending my fine with it all

#

Im*

#

Why am I the one crying for doing nothing wrong

#

I was always worried about his Instagram followings and he knew that

#

Because he used to follow people he used to have a thing about

#

He didn’t cheat but he hurt me to the point it feels like it

#

I told him about my past and this still happened

#

After all I did for someone

#

I’m scared

#

I really thought we had such a special connection why is it always me

#

I want to scream I’m so stupid

#

Why does this keep happening

#

I’m so stupid to think maybe some day we would’ve fixed things

#

I’m so stupid

#

I’m so stupid for loving someone again

#

I’m so stupid to have built him up

#

I’m so stupid for chasing him before we started dating

#

I’m so stupid for trying so hard for someone who didn’t try back

#

I’m stupid for believing his reasons for breaking up

#

I’m stupid for ever considering maybe he felt a fraction of how I felt

#

All the memories I thought were found and him caring

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All the times I thought he loved and cared for me

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Why was I so stupid

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Yea and he’s back following inappropriate accounts

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Probably who he’s trying to get with

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:/

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I feel like trash

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Like I’m just so mentally out and I have so much work to do and I’m so exhausted

#

He said they weren’t really together but were talking about what they wanted so no when I asked if he was talking to someone but I said yes if someone popped into his mind like that

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I wish I looked more mature

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I’ve always been insecure about that even before the breakup

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I don’t care most the time but every once and awhile I get a reminder or someone makes a joke and it doesn’t make me feel good about myself

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He said he regretted saying he was seeing someone at first because they weren’t officially something but he said he didn’t regret after I crashed out about it anymore and how he needed me to tear him apart or something

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Then he had the audacity to say we meant something to him and shit

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Like not if he’s already talking to someone else with intentions of dating

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My life is like a boulder going down a hill every week

wet basin
#

It feels like the breakup restarted in a way. As in it feels hard to believe it’s been almost 2 months

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It feels like my moving on just started

wet basin
#

I feel so destroyed

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Like I don’t know how I’ll get into a relationship again when I gave my all and got nothing in the end

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I know it will get better but it’s actually

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Terrifying

wet basin
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I just feel so drained

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Like I don’t know if I’ll be able to have the courage and ability to love someone like that again

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Like put that much effort in for at least a long time

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Like years

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Because it’s crushing to keep putting in a ton of effort

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Just for things to not last it’s like it’s become a normal thing that happens in my life and it’s so draining

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This experience just crushed my view of love

whole oriole
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you really poured your heart out

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i hope you can start to heal again tho

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and become happier again

robust turtle
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romance isn't dead but its been degraded so much over this century

wet basin
wet basin
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I feel so drained like

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Just mentally I need to sleep for like an entire day

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And I’m scared to be alone with it all for a bit. I’m happy I’m with my family for now

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It’s hard to eat much right now

robust turtle
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omg the journal name changed

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character development (?)

robust turtle
wet basin
robust turtle
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yay

wet basin
#

It’s just a lot to take in about what happened. Like having learned it wasn’t me and I did everything I could and still with that outcome

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Just crushing that I need to accept

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Like he really did just leave because of not wanting to change anymore and what he’d have done so he wanted to go give another girl what I was asking for

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After I was trying to help with working on stuff

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Like that’s how I thought relationships usually went, it just felt like I was the only one fighting for the relationship

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To move on so quick is just sickening to me :/ my step mom’s dad was talking to me about how it’s uncommon for people in Gen Z to want long term relationships anymore I guess

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Like him and his wife have been together for 55 years but he was saying most people in Gen Z aren’t looking for stuff like that anymore

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It’s really crushing to have put so much work for years on a relationship and always trying to build it up just to find out he was hoping I’d leave and stuff

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And I’m probably thinking too into it but the weekend before we broke up he was at a college with his friends, one who just recently got out of a relationship, which he also admitted played a bit of a role in us breaking up, but I think the new girl he’s talking to is from that school to

#

He said they’ve only been talking like 3 days but I feel like he might’ve met her the weekend before we broke up

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While I was messaging him about his trip and he was saying about our weekend that I was coming back

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I know it all shouldn’t affect me as much anymore just it’s really a crushing reality to accept. I don’t know when I’m going to truly be able to get over a betrayal like that to love someone again at that level

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And I hate that it’s affecting my appetite again. I’m having problems eating full meals or eating a meal at all. I just feel sickened the more I think about what he did and what he’s doing

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And how I was stupid to have put so much love into someone that was never going to choose me and be better for me. Like he always said how I made him better but why couldn’t he have been better for me

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And he did change I thought until I found out this past month

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And I look a bit pathetic still crying upset about his treatment after he’s already moved on. Makes me think about how long he’s really been checked out and how long he was hoping for this to end

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I hope some day he realizes what he really lost by deciding to just leave to be better for someone else

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Or even if he doesn’t I know some day I’ll be alright

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Someday I’ll be able to go on without feeling disgusted with my life

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Someday I hope I am able to love someone again without the fear of them leaving or the fear I’m not enough

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I don’t think I’ve ever been enough for anyone in my life

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Yea the girl is defiently the one from the school his friends go to

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I know this won’t affect me at some point in life

#

I just don’t want to go into a spiral of not being able to love or think I’m not right to be in a relationship again

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I had that problem for awhile that I was too scared to love someone

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I hope I don’t get to that place again

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Because it’s terrifying

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This was terrifying

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To have someone claim they’d love u forever and want a future and do that

#

It’s actually terrifying because this past month while I’ve been mourning the lost he’s been thinking of starting something new

#

I know there’s no time limit but having someone move on so quick after 2.5 years like it was nothing after so much that we went through

#

I don’t know how he can do that when he still has stuff from me all around at his house

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Why’ll I’ve had nothing but struggles to eat, struggles to be happy, struggles to do college work, holy crap

#

I felt bad at first when he mentioned his struggles financially this month but shit I guess not struggling enough in life if he can go seek a new girl

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After telling me he wouldn’t date for awhile

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Like telling me that made me a bit calmer not to sound selfish because it made me feel like I meant at least something

#

But I guess not enough to be able to not seek another girl right away

#

Maybe I’m looking for too much in a relationship

#

And it’s a bit hurtful because it seems like the girl has some things in common with him. I know that sounds selfish

#

Like really selfish

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Some of the things I’d do with him and we’d share in common

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Except she also is a lot prettier not to be a downer

#

I just don’t look my age and it hurts

#

And I don’t like when people mention it to me

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Or make fun of me for it

#

My mom says I’ll appreciate it later in life but right now it’s pretty painful

#

But I think he actually has some feelings for her not just a rebound

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Which being able to move on with at least a little feelings

#

Hurts me

#

And feels very disrespectful to our entire relationship we once had

#

I shouldn’t care this much

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I shouldn’t care at all

#

I feel bad looking so depressed all the time to my friends and family

#

I’m trying my best

#

This break I’ve got barely anything done

#

I’ve barely even practiced

#

Just this entire semester has been so bad in life

#

Because that relationship meant so much more to me than him and having it so truely shown is

#

Destroying me

#

It’s better than before I knew because I rather know the ugly truth

#

But this last month of me thinking maybe we both have been mourning and would be happy to hear from each other

#

Gosh was I stupid

#

And even our call the other night him saying how he won’t find a relationship like ours and my humor and how it meant something

#

Gosh I feel sick for that girl and sick that he fed me bullshit

#

That’s so gross he just makes me so disgusted that I loved him

#

I hate that he was my first kiss, I hate that we went to prom and formal together, I hate that he went to my mom’s wedding, I hate that I kept waiting for him to change, I hate that he was my highschool sweet heart, I hate that we live in the same home town, I hate that I put my all into a relationship that never felt like it was truely supposed to be me, I hate that I did things I never wanted to do

#

I hate that I trusted him when he said we were going to have a nice weekend the day before we broke up

#

I hate ever trusting him

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He liked straight to my face about caring about me

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Straight to me the day before

#

The day before he was going to breakup with me he told me all the great things we were going to do

#

So bull shit

#

He couldn’t even breakup with me in person when I was about to be home in less than a week

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Heck he couldn’t even tell me the real reasons he wanted to end things

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I hate that I loved someone

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And changed him for the better for him to go love someone that didn’t put in that effort like I did

#

The girl he’s talking to now didn’t wait for him to change, she didn’t love him when he was at his worst, she wasn’t there though his highs and lows, she didn’t wait for him to develop as a person

#

She didn’t love him when he was a teen that didn’t know what he was doing in life yet, she didn’t see him through his struggles, I did

#

I’m the one who was there and helped him along to be a better person it wasn’t her

#

So why is it her that’s going to get all I ever wanted and expresssd in a relationship

#

She doesn’t know him like I did

#

She doesn’t know that he’s scared of spiders and heights and that he hates when he gets mad at his parents or that he doesn’t like chocolate and that he loves cheesecake and that he loves hugs

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And that he likes the BJs salsa even though it’s spicy and he hates spicy food

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And that he likes sugar cookies

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And that he likes anime and his favorite games and that he only likes modded Terraria and that he wanted me to take him to this place on my campus again

#

She doesn’t know how he was treated before his recently lost relationship and she doesn’t know the long nights I had waiting for him to change just for him to want to leave me when he was at his best

#

She doesn’t know the shit that happened

#

And she doesn’t know that he wanted to be a police officer when he was younger

#

And she wasn’t there for him when he crashed his car on graduation

#

She wasn’t the one that went and picked him up from work whenever she could because his car was damaged

#

And I was trying to make sure he saved money on Ubers or he couldn’t go home because his dad would be mad that they let him go out of work early

#

She wasn’t the one who was there at his house when he hurt his back and couldn’t go anywhere

#

She wasn’t the one who hand made flowers for our prom with his mom

#

She wasn’t the one who sat with him when he cried

#

She wasnt the one to go to as many performances of his

#

It wasn’t her it was me who was always there

#

So yea a bit heartbrokening about what happened because even after it all, I know it was me who put in as much effort as I could for him

#

I’m the one who was there when he had fights with his parents

#

I was the one that would stay at his work for awhile to keep him company

#

I was the one who held him even in the worst times of our lives and still told him I loved him even after a rough patch

#

I told him I still loved him after he quit the nsfw stuff, I just needed time

#

I’m the one who kept making him hand made cards for holidays and birthdays and graduations

#

I’m the one who drive 40 minutes to raisin canes with him for the first time

#

I’m the one who took him to his first broadway musical

#

I’m the one who loved him through it all not her

#

It’s not fair that she’s the one who gets to be loved just how I did. And I hope one day that realization hits him like a truck.

#

Gosh and I wish I added this to my long rant at him not that he needs to give a shit

#

This is just a crushing reality that even after I gave literally EVERYTHING I could I paid for stuff when HE was employed and I was UNEMPLOYED

#

And I was paying for tuition and so many other things liked food and he lived with his family that cooked

#

He didn’t even need to pay for food at home

#

He rarely bought me flowers and only after I begged and asked pretty much

#

She wasn’t there for him through all his stupid teenage bullshit

#

Not even teenage bullshit and things, he still does some of that stuff and he’s 21

#

Like I know people more mature than him mentally like

#

Maybe I’m crazy for wanting to be better for the people that have supported me in life and not drop it for a new person

#

Maybe that’s crazy but like what the hell

wet basin
#

It wasn’t her who learned all his interests and things he liked

#

It wasn’t her who drove hours to explore near places with him

#

It wasn’t her who held him when he was scared or had a bad dream

#

It was me

#

It was me that stayed with him through his worst times and worked through issues

#

I’m the one that paid for a majority of our outings and would send him stuff that reminded me of him

#

I’m the one who called him as much as I could even though I was on campus almost all day

#

I’m the one who made time and would’ve made more time for him

#

Because it was me that loved him when he was at his lowest and wanted to love him at his highest

#

It wasn’t her that stayed there for him on long nights or had difficult conversations with him

#

It wasn’t her that planned a future with him

#

That’s why I think it’s so unfair

#

Because she never did any of these things with him

#

Or for him or build up an entire relationship with him

#

She doesn’t know him like I knew him through the several stages of life I experienced with him

#

And I wanted to experience more stages with him if he had just got his shit together instead of being more focused on nsfw stuff and changing his career for the 100th time that year

#

And I thought he grew but seeing who hes following and how he’s already moving on I know he didn’t

#

He didn’t

#

And I hate that it hurts me still

#

It hurts that it didn’t mean nearly as much to him as it did to me

#

To channel so much energy and time and commitment to someone for them to go give it to someone else is so so so so stupid and immature and maybe that’s weird to think

#

But it’s so immature

#

Because I literally had been there for so much and he had been such a key part of my life that I thought was for decent reasons until I learned it was actually for horrible reasons

#

Seriously like I was overthinking everything as why we broke up the last month to learn he lied? Why’d he say that to me?

#

Why’d he lie to me instead of saying the truth?

#

He could’ve told me he just didn’t feel anything anymore or that he was moving on

#

Even though I wasn’t done

#

I wasn’t done