#Kaz's new venting journal

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

manic bane
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Anyways

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New journal

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Cus i locked the old one

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Thinking i could be able to unlock it whenever i wanted too

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But no

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Bordom

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Boredom*

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Bored

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So bored

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And i had a good idea a few mins ago

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And i did the good idea

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Loll

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But anyways im bored

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Feel pissed off

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Like i wanna punch the wall over and over

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To get rid of the anger

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Bruh

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I miss the relationships i had

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Where i could comfort them or they would comfort me

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But now

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No

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It hasn't happened in a day

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What if it never happens again

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I want to comfort them

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I wanna be there for them

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But i also want comfort

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But thats another topic

manic bane
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Plus im attatched to them

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I love them so much

manic bane
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Easily

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Then i dont wanna lose them

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And cant stand to lose them

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But sometimes

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I have these episodes where

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I like how do i explain it

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Where i wanna block everyone

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And stuff

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But

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The last few times its happened

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I havent blocked anyone

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Im proud of myself

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They used to come every few months

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Not they come every few days-weeks

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And in those episodes

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Im scared 247

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Anxious

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Thinking im worrying about somehing when im not

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Thinking i forgot what i was worrying about even tho i wasnt worried about anything

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But those episodes only last a few days to few weeks

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And

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I have these switches where

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Its like theres multiple personalities or whatever they are in one body

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And idk what it is

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And i speak to myself in 3rd person

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Which is weird

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But ehh

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Idk

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And

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Sometimes my psychosis gets really bad

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Wait

manic bane
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And sometimes

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I feel like i fail everyone

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And is the worst

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And a bad friend

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Etc

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But the question is

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Am i a bad friend?

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And i the worst?

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Am i a bad anything?

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Do people hate me?

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Do people pretend like they like or love me?

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Do i ruin everything?

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Am i a failure?

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A disappointment?

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What am i

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I feel like the worst

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For even asking my friends stuff like that

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Omfg

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I am gonna crash out if i keep imagining my mattress ON THE FLOOR shaking when someone walks in the house even tho its not

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Like stop

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Ok

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So

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Im bored

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My psychosis is at its worst rn

manic bane
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GOT A BRAND NEW SONG

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THAT I LIKE

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YEAHHH

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Ooh

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Thinking of making my own song

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But idk if i can do paradiddles for 3 whole mins

serene edge
manic bane
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Cus my arms would BE TIRED

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So im not

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Idek how i feel rn

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Meh

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Im not feeling anything

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Im bored

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I just wanna be loved again

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In a good way

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Not a bad way

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But anywayss

serene edge
manic bane
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I wanna feel like im loved and cared about

serene edge
manic bane
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Ik

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Just dont feel like it

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Bored

manic bane
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Idk why i did

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I shouldve said ty instead

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I wasnt thinking

serene edge
manic bane
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You good?

serene edge
manic bane
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Ok

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Imma go to bed soon

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Bruh

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Bored

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There aint nothing to do

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But sit down

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And be on the phone

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This is boring af

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Like

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I wanna go to beautiful places dn

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Rn*

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Or a night drive

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Those are cool

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I like night drives

serene edge
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Go listen to a bunch of other peoples music or somthing...

serene edge
manic bane
manic bane
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You also like music?

serene edge
serene edge
manic bane
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THATS COOL

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You sure your good?

serene edge
manic bane
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Cant say

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But anyways

serene edge
manic bane
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Why am i so problematic

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I just hope "he" knows it wasnt his fault and he didn't do anything wrong and he did it for the best

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I just hope he doesnt do anyhing bad to himself

serene edge
manic bane
manic bane
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I couldnt handle losing him

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I hope he stays safe and doesnt do anything bad

serene edge
manic bane
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I miss feeling loved and cared for

manic bane
manic bane
serene edge
manic bane
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Idk

manic bane
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The angers wearing off into sadness

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Shame

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Guilt

manic bane
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The emotions are so difficult to handle

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They are so intense

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Like

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Idk

serene edge
manic bane
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My body hurts

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Ughh

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Im worried about him

serene edge
manic bane
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I miss him

serene edge
manic bane
serene edge
manic bane
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Ok

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He makes me so happy

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|| for him: im sorry that things had to go the way things did, i love you so much /p, and i miss you and i will always love you no matter what, im glad we're still friends||

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||Its not/ it wasnt you fault, you didnt do anything wrong, yes it hurt but, atleast you did whats best for you||

manic bane
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Ill miss the love and care and comfort

manic bane
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Ughhh

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Said that at the wrong time

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I feel like the worst

manic bane
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I feel so horrible

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I want to help him

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I feel like im not doing enough

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Im just gonna stop texting first

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Wait for people to text first

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Cus i wonder if im the one keeping the friendships, friendships

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Wonder if im the only reason we talk

manic bane
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Anyways new topic

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I want it to stop

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I dont want to die

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I just want somethings to stop

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I heard what she said to me

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Now i gotta worry about her health too

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I want it to stop

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It too much

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It hurts too much

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It hurts

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I cant handle this anymore

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I cant deal with it

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It hurts too much

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I cant handle them hurting themselves

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It just hurts too much

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Ugh

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Wtf is going on

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Oh

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Right i remember now

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I dont wanna have to beg and beg and beg and beg just for them to stop

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It hurts

manic bane
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Idc what the doctors say

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Pls dont do it

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I hope i mis heard her

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I cant have her doing that to herself

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I cant have him doing that to himself

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It hurts too much

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I dont even know what im saying

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Why

manic bane
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I feel like they r ignoring me

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And dont like me as their friend

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I think they lying idk why

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They arent

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I hope

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Im tripping

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I keep going in autopilot for a few seconds and doing something i dont remember or typing something i dont remember then coming back with no memory

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I dont do bad things during it

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So thats a relief

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And it only lasts for a few secs

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Im fighting to stay awake

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Even tho im not tired

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Wtf is going on

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I just know tomorrows gonna be rough

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I feel like they are lying to me

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That just proves it

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That im a bad friend

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Bc why would they have to lie to me

manic bane
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I just want to sob

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I hate lying

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About being ok

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Etc

serene edge
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You need sleep Kaz. 🫂

manic bane
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No i dont

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Im fine

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What did i do

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What did i do wrong

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Where did i mess up

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No one cares do they

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I want someone to care

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I wanna feel cared, loved, comforted, cuddled

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Not bad

serene edge
manic bane
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Thanks

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I wonder why everyones ignoring me

serene edge
manic bane
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Not vent

serene edge
manic bane
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Im gn now

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Goodnight

manic bane
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Id dont go huh

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I mean

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I dont wanna go to school

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Schools boring

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Annoying

manic bane
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I dont remember yesterday

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But anyways

manic bane
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Idk how to help

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Im worried bc they wont reply

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I want to help them make them happy

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But how

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How can i do that if they wont text back/ reply

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And wont text

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First

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Too

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And when i text first they dont reply

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Or when they do they just give small replys unlike they used too

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They are becoming distant and cold

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When im just a "texts all the time" person

manic bane
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I miss how it used to be

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Where they would reply fast, be happy, and not lie about being busy when i find them texting in the gc or online

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And them saying they aint busy there

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And when i would make them happy, they would text first, etc

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But now

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I feel like they hate me, they are texting so different now

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And it seems like they hate me now

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Or are tired of me

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I miss it

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I miss when i could make them happy and they would actually wanna talk to me

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And hang out

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Stuff like that

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Why dont they wanna talk to me now why dont they wanna hang out why are they lying why are they replying soo late saying they were busy r say they are busy when they arent and i find them talking to someone else and they make them happy like i used too

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And they hang out like we used to

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Like what did i do wrong

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Where did i go wrong huh

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This hurts

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I thinking about doing the things i promised them i wouldnt do

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Bc i feel like ill deserve it and that they woukd want that

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What happened to us

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Why are they so cold and distant and acting like they hate/dislike me now

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And not talking to me

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What did i do

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Plus

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This is about multiple people

manic bane
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Why

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Why do i have to text first just for "im busy" or very late texts and it just says ok or something like that

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When they used to text so much more and not like that

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Why dont they wanna talk to me

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What did i do wrong

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I've never talked bad about them

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And they talk bad about me

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Some of them not all

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Like what

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Where did i go wrong

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What did i do

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I feel like everyones lying and being fake friends

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Why do i feel like this

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Like if you dont wanna be my friend just tell me

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If you hate me or dislike me just tell me

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If you are lying just tell me

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If your a fake friend just tell me

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JUST TELL ME

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If your a true friend just tell me

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If you dont wanna talk just tell me

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If you dont wann talk to me tell me

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If you pretending just tell me

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Expessially if your pretending for me

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Or lying

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For/bc me

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If you actually wanna be friends tell me

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If your gonnna/ are a true friend tell me

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Just tell me

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I dont want you to lie to me saying your busy when your not busy and you just dont wanna talk to me

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Or being my friend to "not hurt me" its just gonna hurt me even more to find out that you were a fake friend

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If your this that blah blah blah just tell me

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Its too much to type

manic bane
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The thoughts are really bad again

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Why is everyone so distant

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What did i do wrong

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Im sorry

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Im so sorry for whatever i did

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I dont remember what i did

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I dont remember if i even did anything wrong

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"i wonder why, i- i wonder why" lyrics from that one song

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Im such a shitty person

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Aint that right

serene edge
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Nope

manic bane
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Im truly sorry

manic bane
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What yall mean i didnt do anything wrong

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Ik i did something wrong

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I cant explain it idk how too

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I want the pain to go away i want the guilt, same, sadness, pain, to go away

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Why hasn't it yet

manic bane
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I feel lonely, like no one cares, loves me

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I just wanna be comforted and cuddled and hugged

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But do i deserve that? Would anyone even do that?

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||I wanna relapse and idk what to do||

manic bane
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It hurts so bad

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Gosh

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Need Tylenol but idk where it is

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I miss them

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If they were here i would be happy

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But no

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They arent themselves im worried about them

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The things they say are concerning

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Im worried about them

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I just want them to be doing good

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I love them sm/p

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I dont say the /p sometimes and thats ok

manic bane
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Im not ok

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||im commiting/attempting tonight, i cant take this any longer|| goodbye

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It prob wont work idk tho

serene edge
serene edge
noble shale
manic bane
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Ty

manic bane
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Omg i dont remember anything from yesterday

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I dont wanna go to school

noble shale
serene edge
manic bane
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School was crap

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Had to do about 16 retakes and i still gotta do more tomorrow cus still a bad grade

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Like omg

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Let me have some peace in math man

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I dont understand the shit

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What am i supposed to do other than to guess

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Try it?

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When i dont even know what to do bc i forgot how to do it

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Then i get the wrong answer

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Like damn

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Then for band

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Holy cow

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I just learned how to do paradiddles FAST AF

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Why are we doing 2 WHOLE PAGES of one song

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Omg

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And then this new thing

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Holy cow

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Man how do i do that stuff

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Without practicing all day

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No breaks

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HUH

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Wtf happened yesterday to make my friend say "dont die"

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Last night

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Tf happened

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I dont remember why dont i

manic bane
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Of a song

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Like what

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How am i supposed to play all that without my arms falling off

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I mean i can

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But holy cow my arms would be tired

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I swear if spotify keeps automatically pausing my music

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Imma slam the door on this phone

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But now the song wants to play

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This a banger

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Oh yeah phone could you be any more slow

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Stop

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Being

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Slow

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You phone

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Finally

manic bane
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This bangerr

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Yesss

manic bane
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Soo

manic bane
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And i found out something

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Which may cause me to do what i found out even more

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And im worried about my friends

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I care about them so much

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Im glad they are here and alive

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I hope they feel better soon

manic bane
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And wanna do it more

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But i cant

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Till tomorrow

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I honestly dont know what i did wrong

manic bane
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It wont hurt

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Hope ill be ok

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I hope ill be ok

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To everyone: im sorry for everything, really, im truly sorry

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I hope ill survive

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I hope ill live

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I hope life gets better

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I hope it gets better

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I just hope everyone stops hating/disliking me

manic bane
#

Idk anymore

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I just want people to actually wanna talk to me

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Instead of them like

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At school

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Uhh what do they do oh yeah

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I do nothing

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Or i do somehing on accident

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Then they are all rude and talk shit about me

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When they are kind to everyone else

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Makes me wanna i cant even say

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And then my friends

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They havent been texting me anymore except 3

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Of my friends

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What did i do

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Why is only 3 of my friends texting

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And then for irl

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They wont come to school

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They wont answer the phone

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Etc

manic bane
manic bane
#

Why do only 3 of my friends text me now

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Or am i forgetting something

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Idk

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If my brain wasnt forgetfull and foggy i could remember how many friends correctly

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Im tired i wanna sleep

manic bane
#

What

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Huh

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Ok 3 isint bad

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Thats a good

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Ig

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Idk

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Idk what im talking about im too tired for this crap im going to sleep

manic bane
#

NO

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WHY DID THEY LET HIM

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WHY WOULD THEY LET HIM KHS

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WTF

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NO

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I HOPE HE LIVES

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I HOPE HE LIVES

#

HES THE ONE WHO KEPT ME ALIVE

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FUCK DUDE

manic bane
#

PLEASE LET HIM LIVE

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PLEASE LIVE

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I FUCKING MISS HIM

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I HOPE HE LIVES AND GETS BETTER

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I HOPE HE DOESNT DO ANYTHING BAD

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IM FUCKING BEGGING FOR HIM TO LIVE, TO ANYONE THAT CAN MAKE HIM LIVE AND SURVIVE, PLESSE LET HIM

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PLEASE LET HIM LIVE AND GET BETTER

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HE FUCKING KEPT ME ALIVE

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WHAT AM I GONNA LIVE FOR NOW

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I FUCKING MISS HIM

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I MISS HIM HIS COMFORT, EVERYTHING

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I MISS HIM

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I DONT WANT HIM TO DIE

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I DIDNT WANT HIM TO DO THIS

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I WANT HIM TO LIVE

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I COULDNT/CANT STAND TO LOSE HIM

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I MISS HIM

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I FUCKING MISS HIM

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I WANT HIM BACK

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I JUST WANT HIM ALIVE

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FUCK ALL THIS SHIT

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I JUST WANT HIM ALIVE AGAIN

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IDK IF HES ALIVE OR NOT

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BUT OMG

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I JUST WANT HIM TO BE GOOD

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HE DOING GOOD

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BE*

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NOT BAD

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NOT TO THE POINT HE DOES THIS

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WTF

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PEOPLE COULDVE SAVED HIM, LIKE ME

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I COULDVE SAVED HIM

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BUT LOOK I DIDNT

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I TRIED

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BUT IG IT DIDNT WORK

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I FUCKING MISS HIM SO BAD

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I WANT HIM BACK

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I WANT HIM ALIVE

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I WANT HIM HERE

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ALIVE

#

I DONT WANT HIM TO DIE

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I WANT HIM TO LIVE

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I FUCKING MISS HIM

#

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

serene edge
#

🫂 sadness catt_hug

manic bane
#

I want him alive

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I want him to be here

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Alive

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I want him to be alive

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I hope he is alive

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I want him to be here alive

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I miss him

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I miss him so bad

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I love him so much /p

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I just want him to be alive rn

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And happy

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And not do anything bad

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I miss him

manic bane
#

I miss him

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I miss him

#

I. MISS. HIM

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I need him to be alive

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I want him alive

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I hope hes alive

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Nobody could understand how i feel

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No. Body.

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No one at all

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I cant even describe how i feel

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I just know i miss him

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And hope that hes alive

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But theres a chance hes not

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And if hes not

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I hope he went to heaven

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Not hell

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I just hope hes alive

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I miss him

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That wasnt a favor, he didnt do a favor for everyone

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I love him /p

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I miss him

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I hope hes still alive

manic bane
manic bane
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I miss him so bad

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Im crying so much

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I just want him here

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Want him alive

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Need him alive

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Hope hes alive

manic bane
#

Im fucking tired

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I miss him so bad

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I miss him

#

I wanna relapse

serene edge
manic bane
#

Let me live

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Stop bleeding pls

#

PLEASE I DONT WANNA DIE

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JUST STOP BLEEDING

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Just stop

#

Stop pls

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I can feel my body going weak

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I didnt die

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It stopped

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Yay

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Holy crap

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That was scary

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My head is pounding like how it does after i faint

serene edge
#

sadness he is alright. Just ask Logan...

manic bane
#

Whos logan

manic bane
#

I think you got the wrong chat

manic bane
#

What else am i supposed to do

serene edge
manic bane
#

Ohh

#

Ok

manic bane
#

My body feels so euphoric

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And tired

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I feel so good

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Alr imma live

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I will survive

#

I will live

manic bane
#

I deserve all of it

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I deserved all of it too

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I deserve this

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Im just a piece of shit

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Im a shitty, crappy person

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Im a bad person

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I deserve to be hurt

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I deserve to be hurt and cry and feel like this

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I deserve to be alone

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I deserve to not be loved

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To not be cared for

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Bc im bad, shitty, crappy, weird, nasty, stupid person

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I deserve to feel like this

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To feel horrible

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Sad

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Grief

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Regret

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Shame

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Anger at myself

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Hurt

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Pain

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I really do deserve it

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I shouldve just let myself..

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Earlier

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Then no one would have to deal with me

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And they would be happy

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Im sick and weird

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Thats why no one likes me

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That's why everyone hates me

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Thats why no one loves, cares about me

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Well i mean some do

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Some people do

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But why should they

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When theres better people in the world than me

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Yes i miss feeling love, comfort, care, etc

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Yes i dont like feeling guilt, regret, shame

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But im deserve this right

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I cant even stop someone from doing something bad

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To their self

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I deserve to feel this way, to feel hurt

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I deserve this

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Im a bad person

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I dont wanna lose him

manic bane
#

I seriously dont wanna lose him

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He needs a hug

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I would give him a hug

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I would take care of him

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I love him so much /p

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I just wanna give him a big hug

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And comfort him

#

Im sorry if this works

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Why is my cat being so clingy

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Shes never like this

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My head is fucking pounding

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I just want him to live not die

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Meh

#

Ill be ok

manic bane
#

I wanna save him

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But idk how

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I just want his episode to be over so he can be happy

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I dont want him to die

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He deserves love, comfort, happiness

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But idk how to give that to someone

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Anymore

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Man it hurts so bad to know hes going through this and feels that way

manic bane
#

Im so dizzy

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And cold

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My throat hurts

manic bane
#

Ok

#

I hope he gets better

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Not worse

#

I fucking love him /p

#

KDKEJRKEKDJDJDJDJDJDJJD

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Will my trying to save him actually work

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Like i wanna save him

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But how, cus the things im doing is not working

serene edge
manic bane
#

Tired

#

Af

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Im tripping

manic bane
#

Omg fucking school

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I wanna stay home i feel sick

manic bane
#

Ok

#

My fucking arm hurts

#

I wanna go home

manic bane
#

I dont even know how to describe it

#

All i know is that i was seeing everything wrong and out of place

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And like

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My pillow

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It would be on my right side of me

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But i would see it on my left upper corner of my vision

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And my window

#

I would see 2 windows

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And they would be out of place

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And like one would be on my floor

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And the other would be on my ceiling

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Even tho thats not where they are

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And i was seeing things

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That wont there

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Other people dont see

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And

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I was just really tired

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And i was dizzy

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And couldnt stand up straight

#

I lied about puking the pills up

manic bane
#

Hehehe

#

Im happy rn

#

I just hope someone is doing better than last night

#

Hope hes better

#

Hope he stays better

#

I love him /platonic

#

Anddd

#

Hehehehehe

#

I nvm

manic bane
#

I FUCKING MISS HIM

manic bane
#

||i like adam||

#

Hehehehehe

manic bane
#

Hit fasica

manic bane
#

Omfg

#

Twt needs to stop emailing me

#

Ik theres resources

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Addiction. Ruins. People

manic bane
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Without hospital

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Anyways

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Duck driving

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Hahahahahhahahahaaaa

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But anyways

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Omg i had a super weird dream last night

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Man am i getting sick im still sooo cold under my duvet

manic bane
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TWITTER

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hHhahahahahah

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TWITTERRR

manic bane
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Uhm

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I feel awkward

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Like i do like multiple people at once

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I dont feel like i deserve someone

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Or a relationship

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Whatever you call it

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And

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Im fucking scared

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I dont want anyone here to see my twitter

manic bane
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How do i move on

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I still like him after breaking up

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How do i move on

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How do i stop liking him

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Am i supposed to stop

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Whats supposted to happen

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And i have this friend

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And

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He likes me

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I like him too

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But why do i like 2 people

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At the same time

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And that friend

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We talk like were a couple even tho were not

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Like

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We text affectionate

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And stuff

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But were not a couple

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Is that wrong

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Like i haven't moved on yet

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So i feel like it is

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I feel like theres something wrong with me why am i like this

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Like

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I miss him (ex)

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But

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I need to move on

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But how is the question

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How

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Whats supposted to happen

manic bane
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Do we try dating even tho the age gap, and how i like multiple people

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No

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Thats wrong

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But how else am i supposed to move on

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If i dont start liking someone else a lottttt

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I dont fucking know

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But pretty much

manic bane
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Get my mind off this

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Maybe ill move on by sleeping

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Yeah

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Man idk

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Im just tired

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But anyways imma try to move on

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And imma try to like someone else more than him

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Which will prob make me move on

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But idk

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He told me to move on

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So i have too

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Im just a shitty nasty weird person atp

manic bane
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She fucking called me

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Then told me

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She was gonna look at my fucking arms

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All bc i "sounded angry"

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When no

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Im fucking annoyed cus her

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And everyone

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And everything

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Everything and everyone is fucking annoying me rn

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Even tho no one bothering me

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Nothings bothering me

manic bane
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Like dont look at my arms

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Or your gonna see something you dont wanna see

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Fuckk dude

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How am i gonna cover it this time

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Fuck

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Hopefully she doesnt ask me to take the bandage off

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Or imma be pissed off

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And scared

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Im scared

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Imma just have to say the old ones aint healed

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And thats why the bandage is on

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So they dont get infected

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When the old ones are healed by now

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Its just the new ones

manic bane
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Man

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They still havent checked

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Fuck

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I dont want them to check

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But i dont wanna be aware, scared waiting 247

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So

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Imma just try to sleep

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Sleeep

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Sleeep

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Sleep

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Sleep

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Wahh sleep

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Is it true i ruin everything

manic bane
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They still havent checked

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Dont fucking tell me that to scare me

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If you want me to get "better" your gonna have to take me somewhere where im safe

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Called my room

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And in my room

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Im safe

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Im safe

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But not better

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But thats ok

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Like cmon now

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What y'all gonna do

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If yall find out i hurt myself again

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Huh

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Yell at me?

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Hmm

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Which one hub

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Huh*

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Or act like everythings fine

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Or take me back to the mental ward

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Huh

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Which one

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I honestly hope they dont check my arms

manic bane
manic bane
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THEY FUCKING LIED

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THEY DIDNT CHECK MY ARMS

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LIARS

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HAHAAHHAHAA

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I got to take that itchy too tight bandage off tho

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So yay

manic bane
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I gotta put the bandage back on before they come and check

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She made me show her

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Take the bandage off

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Omg

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Shes so fucking disappointed

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Im scared

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I dont wanna go back to the ward

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I just

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I wanna stay home

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And im covering the deepest one

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Still

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And she wants to know how deep it is

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She wants me to take the bandaid off of it

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Its really fucking deep

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Shit

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Sigh

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And she knows i have more on my legs

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How

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How does she know

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Maybe cus the blood on the pants when she washed them

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But still

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Why does she wnana see

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Fuck this man

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I dont want them to see

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Man fuck this shit

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They wanna see it

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Tomorrow

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Cus its leaking "blood" no its not, thats serous fluid

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Omfg

manic bane
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Man that ones way to deep for them to see

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Man

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I dont need them to see that one

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They finna throw up when they see it

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Shit

manic bane
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But anyways

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I'm tired

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So tired

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I wanna sleep all day

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All night

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Thats why im in my room all day

manic bane
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It makes me sleepy

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I feeel sick

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I wanna smtheoenuo

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Throw up*

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Im foing to sleep

manic bane
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Ok

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Well

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This is real life

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I cant make anyone happy soo

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I wanna attempt again

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Maybe commit this time

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I hope i dont wake up, hope go to heaven, goodbye

manic bane
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I JUST WANNA DIE

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2 PEOPLE SAW MY TWITTER

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FUCK

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FUCK MAN

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THIS PERSON IS FUCKING FROZEN

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NO

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I DIDNT MEAN TO TRAUMATIZE THEN

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OH LAWD look a what you did

manic bane
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Someone make me very happy

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I wont for him

manic bane
manic bane
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Man what have i done

manic bane
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Idk what i feel

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I feeling multiple emotions at once

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Feeling too much

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Toooo muchhh

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I feel awesome and great but also horrible and bad at the same fucking time

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Like what

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How

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Why

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But awesome and great is winning rn

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Man

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Last time i felt like this

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After a few hours

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The horrible won

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But this time

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Well see

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Man this song is a banger

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I FEEL FUCKING AMAZING

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AWESOME

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GREAT

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I DONT NEED MY MEDS

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I forgot to take them yesterday

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Hehehehe

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This songs a great song

manic bane
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So i dont go crazy

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Yeah

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So

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Before meds

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I used to cover my windows

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With about 6 thick blankets

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And would think people could still see in my windows

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With all that

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And thought there was hidden cameras watching me

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And would see things

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Hear things

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Be scared

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And

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I would hear voices

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And they would say