the notes app hasn’t really been a sustainable form of expression lol. it’s like playing ping pong with thought loops. i figured i’d open a journal so i have somewhere to rebound when i catch myself losing it, since right now i’m kind of at a loss for support; while being too deep into whatever this is effectively reach out. I mostly want to document my thoughts, and have somewhere with more positive and supportive surroundings than the dark dreary notes app. I’ll be talking about many triggering topics, and some that I find thought provoking in a triggering way, like excessive existentialism.
#senkuo
craggy badger
one of my reoccurring issues is the inability to leave these existential thought loops behind. I could say it’s been very irritating, but that wouldn’t even be a fraction of how unbearable it is. over the past few years, Ive had an exhausting battle with psychosis. that along with whatever else is wrong with my smooth brain.
from delusions on the level of believing someone good in my life is an enemy from a past life who’s intention is to lure me with comfort before putting me through an experience worse than death; to more baseline paranoia, such as the thought of impending doom revolving around something that is going to get me no matter what I do.
lately, i’ve slowly been doing my best to leave such paranoid delusions behind; but it’s been difficult. I haven’t reached out for help, although I know I should. in all honesty, i feel too mentally drained to do much of anything.
this constant war going on in my head between delusions and paranoia fighting with my common sense have left my mentally drained. so much so that i’ve been gradually physically drained.
the paranoia i’ve felt before came from a fear of pain, the threat of death as a concept being something that scared me.
after dealing with it for so long though, I don’t feel that anymore. ||I don’t want to die per se, but at this point i wouldn’t be opposed to that impending doom.|| I don’t enjoy being this way, it’s draining. I want a future, and I have things I want to achieve. but my motivation is little to none.
the world around me lately hasn’t been helping with my low levels of motivation either. every day my dream of a comfortable life seems further out of reach due to the things i can’t control. and considering i’m horrible at handling the things i can control, that’s really just an unfortunate combo.
i don’t enjoy feeling so useless and pitiful at all, and i’m fully aware of every opportunity i’ve allowed to slip from my grasp. things like that eat at me, and as much as i try; those strong emotions still aren’t ever broken down into motivation.
this depression has been eating away at my soul for as long as I can remember now, the added bouts of psychotic delusions only aiding at chipping away my sanity over time.
with that being said, I haven’t given up and still don’t plan to.
i feel nothing but spite towards these mental illnesses. i think of them as living beings, manifestations of mental illnesses that live in my head. I don’t want them there, they don’t pay me any good intention.
as insignificant of a push as it is, me still being here is out of spite for the worst times. ||the times where I somehow miraculously escaped what should’ve been the end of it all.||
and I plant to continue living on, and pushing at every opportunity to get better.
my first step being reaching out for real help, something i should’ve done long ago.
hopefully from there things will get better, and i can finally work towards that comfortable life that i’ve yearned for.