#꒦꒷εїз꒷꒦

1 messages · Page 4 of 1

winter summit
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But I have a fear of throwing up(emetophobia)

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But I really think ||purging|| would help a lot

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I try not to eat

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Unless I literally have to,aka once a day at least

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Or else my moms gonna get pissed

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She thinks I eat at skl

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I don’t eat breakfast

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Just lunch when I get home

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Rarely dinner

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But yeah when I do eat I feel so nauseous

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Guess until I actually consider ||purging|| I’ll just work tf out like most the time

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• I really want to ||attempt|| but ik I’m too scared to

winter summit
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I’m going to try nap,even if it doesn’t take the mental drain away,I hope my mind at least clears go a short while

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I’m not prepared for tomorrow.

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I can’t read in front of 200 kids

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Whatever

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I’ll try clear my mind in many different way

silver swallow
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Homie you're white-

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
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Imagine you're in a practice room with no one there just you reading

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good luck

winter summit
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silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
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😭

silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
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----

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Said this in the other journal too

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I’ll probs go off journals for a while

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Maybe I’ll come back in a few days

silver swallow
winter summit
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Only made it 5-7 days

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Oh well

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Idk how I feel tbh

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I just feel super exhausted mentally

winter summit
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Okay I wrote A LOT

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I was like full on sobbing and all

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But

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Now after like 40mins

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I’ve calmed down and I’ve just lay here for a while

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And

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Realised I sound really pathetic

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And dramatic

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And so I got awkward and embarrassed

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And deleted it all

silver swallow
winter summit
silver swallow
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😭

winter summit
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Oh man

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My head hurts

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I’ve been thinking so much lately abt so many things

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I’m tired

winter summit
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And man just get my name out of your fucking pronouns

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He probs won’t even see this

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But after all th comfort I gave u

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U just leave

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Okay cool

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Ur choice

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Wouldn’t even have realised he unfriended me but he send another friend request on accident that he deleted later

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Cool

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And still has my fucking display name in pronouns

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Omd

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And then going on abt how lonely they are n shit

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Lowkey wanted to message him n shit but it’s been a month

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So I’m thinking

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Fine his choice

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Not my problem

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But bro

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Didn’t even tell me why or shit

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Just went

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Oh yeah they’re in this server

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Not like they’re gonna read this shit

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all the nice stuff u said were just empty words huh

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Tbh I should’ve expected this

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Many people on the server do this

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Vent

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Become friends or wtv

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Vent and vent (which I have no problem with)

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And then js leave

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Like okay

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Fuck you too then

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I won’t even say his name bc that’s js wrong and like it’s not like he did smth terrible

silver swallow
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hyd

silver swallow
winter summit
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silver swallow
silver swallow
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silver swallow
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winter summit
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I’m lowkey

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Getting tired of life again

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Probs won’t do anything fatal

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But I lowk want to

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Idk if fatal is the right word

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I js wanna lay in bed all day man

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Thinking I have to get up tmr makes me wanna cry idk why

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Man I’m exhausted

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I don’t want to socialise, nothing.Im js sitting listening to music in class all day

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I really feel like I’m being judged

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And it js all feels unreal

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I actually hate talking in class

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I hear my name to answer the question

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Heart literally jumps and I can’t breathe

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Hands shaking n shi for the next few mins

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I rlly don’t want to go to skl

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Gosh once again I thought I’m getting better

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Idk what to do anymore

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Man i think im gonna ||relapse||

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I actually can’t do this shit

winter summit
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Hey at least I’m 1year 3 months clean from vaping

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Only bc there’s none in my house

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If there was that streak would’ve been broken by now

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Man I want to end my shit so bad but I’m too scared to

winter summit
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Dad came downstairs

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I think it’ll be okay tho

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I feel a bit better after ||relapsing|| but now I’m also lowk scared and ik the guilt will kick in soon

silver swallow
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it would've been a win win

winter summit
silver swallow
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silver swallow
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Or

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you could use

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fluffy toy knives

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instead of the sharp ones

winter summit
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Idk what that is

silver swallow
winter summit
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I think I just experienced sleep paralysis

silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
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I can’t fall back asleep and it’s 4:45am

silver swallow
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i wake up at 4am

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:3

silver swallow
silver swallow
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win-win again

winter summit
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Wait

silver swallow
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dusk lion
dusk lion
dusk lion
silver swallow
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Oh man

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I’m so done

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I won’t even talk abt the reasons

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I want to end my shit so bad

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And I’ve said it before

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But like now I’m feeling like actually going through with it

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If not I’ll just ||relapse|| super bad

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Jeez it’s only 17:38

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I’m so fucking done

winter summit
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Whatever maybe some of this feeling will pass

dusk lion
silver swallow
winter summit
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But thanks, that was lowk funny icl

winter summit
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The maths test was awful.

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Spent the whole weekend revising and I couldn’t fill out half the test

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I’m so disappointed

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I can’t tell my dad

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Mom maybe will be okay

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Maybe she’ll understand

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My dad tho? No

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I wasn’t gonna tell any of them

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But they messaged my dad to say I have a test so

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It was actually awful

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I think I’m only going to get 12/50

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Stupid how a paper means so much

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Oh man I wanna cry or || relapse||

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Ill take a nap

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Hope some of this passes

winter summit
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I woke up and thought it was the next day already

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I’m probs gonna stay up again tonight

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Then sleep after skl tmr

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And on and on and on

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Or something

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My head hurts😓

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Idk what lessons I have tmr but don’t wanna check

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This part isn’t really a vent but today I was so happy in PE I forgot all abt maths

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Me and my bsf are in separate PE groups

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Bc there’s 2

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And in mine I have people I talk to off but they all have their own friends

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So I’ve felt left out for 3 years

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Just always at the side yk

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And today we had PE

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and I got told we’re either doing just dance or badminton

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I thought okay like it’s not that bad

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Bc idm those

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Got told we aren’t joining groups tho

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So fun once again they were all standing in a circle, talking

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And I was just standing behind them

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And I saw my bsf walk in through my door

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And when I tell you I got so happy

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It made the lesson way better

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It feels even childish, don’t know why it made me so happy

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Oh yeah

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Tmr I have health and social

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And I stated a test last lesson

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About how living in rural areas affect different life stages

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And tmr I can finish

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I have the later adulthood section left

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I need to research a bit more

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Bc yk I want to maximise my marks

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I’ve been studying non stop since October holidays bro

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And I’m still not getting anywhere

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And now I have skl on Saturdays starting January

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Im getting my report this week

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I already have my attendance

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It’s 94%

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It was like 87% at the start of the year

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Man last year I took so so much days off

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I miss that bro

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I wouldn’t even mind school, I just hate the students

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I might go get paracetamol

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And then I need to get more info

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I think during the Christmas holidays I’ll try not revise if I don’t need to

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Maybe some poetry here and there

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But other then that, no

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I remember I made myself a routine months ago

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I only did it for 4 days before other stuff got in better and then I just forgot and gave up

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Oh man I love staying up but that’s when like all the shit happens like bad thoughts

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But too bad

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I’m not even hungry and I haven’t eaten since yesterday 9pm

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So almost 24h

winter summit
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Back to day 1 I guess

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The urge wouldn’t go away so yeah

winter summit
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2:21am

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I love staying up but I lowk wanna sleep

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I love both tbf

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I think I had history homework

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I need to check online soon

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I feel nauseous

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Man school stresses me out

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4 more days

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Counting in today

winter summit
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I don’t think I’ll get better. I don’t believe I can. Whenever I feel like I’m getting better, a few days later I get some random bad thought and that leads to many other bad thoughts, then it carries on for days, weeks even. It’s stupid. I want to get better, I don’t want to feel like this. But at the same time I don’t feel valid when I’m not struggling, I feel like all my past struggles were invalid and all that. I feel unreal- like everything too good to be real when I’m feeling better, I don’t feel as comfortable as I did when struggling, like a part of me is gone. It’s pathetic. I hate it.
Honestly I don’t even have a real reason to feel like this sometimes - I just do. It’s awful, stupid.
I don’t mind helping others, I genuinely don’t mind being there for them. If I’m being honest, I feel useless, like I’m nothing when I don’t comfort someone. And maybe I am. I try to help so many people, sometimes I feel like my comfort messages don’t comfort at all and that makes me feel awful but I try. Do we ever speak again? No unless they need to vent. That’s all I’m good for. And I see it, I get it. I can’t and don’t do anything but comfort. That’s all ppl see in me. I wouldn’t mind if people spoke to me generally. Problem is I don’t know how to carry on convos, i ruin everything. But who cares I don’t have anyone to talk to anyways. People only reach out to vent, that’s all I’m there for and ever will be. But I don’t mind it if it means I’m still needed.
At the start of this month I finally knew what I wanted. Now, everything just left my mind, I don’t care about any of it anymore. Tbh I just want to be gone lowkey. I hate it because I always say I want to be gone but I’m always too scared to do anything. It’s so pathetic I hate it, I think it’s the fear of failing and how my family would act afterwards, or maybe I’m just scared of death.

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Sometimes when I think about what happens after death I feel like I can’t breathe and I feel anxious. Oh man all I want is to get the courage to do it. Or I want to find an escape, even if it’s unhealthy. I see no point in living. Genuinely, on school days all I do is study. Whenever there’s no school( like winter break) all I do is rot in my room all day playing games, listening to music, watching stuff, sleeping or literally just daydreaming. This sounds childish but as a kid I had so much dreams. I wanted to be a hair stylist, always practiced on what I could. I wanted to be a fashion designer, made my own mini book of designs ( I was about 7 so it looked awful lol), I wanted to be an author, I made so many pages of planning, never actually started writing it or finished planning. Then I wanted to be a crime investigator which I quickly forgot about. It’s so stupid, I don’t want any of those things anymore. Sure I don’t mind them but I lack the creativity. Ask me to draw something, I probably would but i’d need a reference, I can’t do anything from my own ideas. Or write, I only write for English homework when I get given an image I need to write about, even then I use fucking ai sometimes because my mind just blanks. It’s so stupid, I can’t do anything right and I don’t like anything about myself. I’m useless and worthless in this world and im tired of it. Istg I just want the courage bro, I want to take myself out of this world. But I’ll probably stop talking about it because the more I mention it and fail to go through with it, I just feel more pathetic. I don’t get why it’s so hard.

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Honestly I don’t even think anyone would notice if I’d just disappear, they’d only notice once they needed to vent

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I feel like I don’t care if I’d get ||abused|| in any way as long as I had someone, because hey to be hurt you need to be there, they want to hurt you, they think about you during so. And it’s so stupid bc I genuinely tell myself I don’t care how I’m treated as long as I’m not alone but ik the second someone starts going too far I’ll just be miserable

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This is all so pathetic

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Bro I’m writing all this on a discord server, tf

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I think I’ll just genuinely shut up about how I feel

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Plus lowkey if I wanna be there for people it won’t do me any good if they ever see how I’m actually doing

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I probably won’t write on here for a while unless I end up feeling like really awful

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Who gives two shits anyways

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Reading all this can just be frustrating and tiring

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I’m gonna try not to ||relapse|| at least until Thursday

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I wish I still had ||vapes|| in the house, I haven’t had one for over a year but man I want one

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I want an escape, any escape, I wanna lowk take stuff and get drunk n shi

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Maybe that’d give me the courage to end it

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But it’s not like I’m gonna get my hands on any of those things soon

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Anyways

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Hope everyone takes care, if anyone even reads this, and make sure to take care of yourself

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I feel childish and ashamed after writing this all

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Will probably delete it in the morning

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Or later if it bothers me a lot

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
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silver swallow
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oof my exams are over yay

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so im back

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temporarily

winter summit
silver swallow
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Oh shi

winter summit
silver swallow
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And btw thanks a lot, genuinely, thank you for always putting your time into responding and being here for me, it means a lot, just know if ever needed I’ll be here for you too

winter summit
# silver swallow real, how you doin today?

Not too bad I think, it’s Christmas Eve so soon I have to start getting ready, I’ve spent the last two hours playing with my new best friend and I’m really happy about that

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What about you?

winter summit
silver swallow
silver swallow
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I hope she’s okay.

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She means so much to me.

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I hope she’s just busy and nothing else.

winter summit
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Oh man

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She messaged at 11

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I woke up at 12

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It’s been 3hours since she’s messaged

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I really hope she’s okay

winter summit
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I tried to call her

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Nothing

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She’s still not answering

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Her mom took her phone for the night

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But she messaged me in the morning

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She said she has an idea but it’s probably not so good

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And then she like laughed or smth

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And that’s the last message

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And I’m stressing out

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I texted her on everything I have her on and called her 3 times

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If she’s just busy or not allowed her phone then I don’t want to be bothering her

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But I’m also scared

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I want her to be okay

silver swallow
winter summit
# silver swallow whatd she say

Smth about a possible bad idea. The day before she spoke about a lot of bad stuff too. Which I won’t talk about as they’re her reasons ofc

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She’s okay tho

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She messaged me 3h ago

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Explaining

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And then asking about how I’m doing

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Honestly, I’m relieved she’s okay but I was so stressed all day I couldn’t stop thinking about her

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And I just feel down now

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But whatever, I’m happy she’s okay

silver swallow
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i see

winter summit
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Bro if people mention something can they just talk about it

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Don’t just start a topic or like say something

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If ur js gonna like

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Not delve into it

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Bc I swear someone keeps saying something about someone else

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And talking about how bad the other persons day is and how smth happened

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But then deleted it

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So I go offline again

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They do it again and delete it again

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I can still see it on my lock screen but like bro

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So then I tell them I litro see it either way

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And now I’m getting ignored

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Like tf?

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Idec atp it js pissed me off tho

winter summit
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How many times do I have to repeat myself bro..

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Everything I’m saying is just making it worse

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Like tf am I meant to do

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I don’t respond, they overthink an feel worse

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I speak, they feel worse

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I had a good day yesterday, today was good too

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I spent 22h with my friends

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So why do I feel like this the second I’m at home

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Maybe bc there’s no distractions

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And I’m js listening to the same songs that just ruin my mood

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But they comfort me in a strange way

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Even if they make me feel worse

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I won’t ever stop listening to them

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Maybe I’ll ask to paint the living room to distract myself a bit

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I wish I had unlimited money

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I want to go out again

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But tbf money wouldn’t even do anything

winter summit
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I can’t fall asleep😪

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I feel exhausted rn

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Like I’m on my phone and feel like I’m falling asleep

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I put my phone down and close my eyes

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And I can’t sleep

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Maybe bc I’m on the couch rn

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Idk

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I’m only on the couch bc my parents are doing my dads room upstairs

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And his stuff are in my room

winter summit
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Bro why do I keep saying the wrong things.

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I know what’s up okay

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And I’m trying but idk what to say bc no matter how many times I say things nothing changes

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And I get it

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I get it’s hard to beat what ur going through

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But still

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And like what am I meant to say bc everything I say doesn’t help or comes off as wrong

silver swallow
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you can't help everyone

silver swallow
winter summit
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Whatever I do always gets taken wrong

silver swallow
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focus on yourself then others

winter summit
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——-

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Anyways

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Fml bro

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Atp I see no point in it

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Like what the fuck

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The second

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Anything gets taken wrong

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I go offline for a bit

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Or seem dry

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They start taking shit about themselves

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THE FUCK DO I DO

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Bc no matter how many times I say they’re not how they see themselves

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They ignore it

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And then it happens

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Again

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And again

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And again

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Yes I said ill always be here for them

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Yes I’m willing to listen to their problems

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But it’s constant just self shit talk

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Or what they do to themselves

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Or unhealthy shit

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Like wtf

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What am I meant to do

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I’ve said practically everything nice

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The only thing I haven’t done is called with them bc I don’t like calls

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That’s the only shit I haven’t done

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I’m too scared to even mention I’m going out w a friend in case they feel upset

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Deadass I’m js like

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I get

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People have their own views about themselves

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I get it

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But when I get a compliment I just say thanks or whatever

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I don’t agree with any compliment I get

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I don’t agree that I’m awesome or whatever

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I don’t say it

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Bc I don’t want to dwell on the topic

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But then it’s constantly that oh yeah I’m defo better than them and they’re awful and they’re shit and that

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And it’s like bro

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I really love her

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I do

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She means so much to me

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And that’s why I’m scared

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And don’t know what to do

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Bc I need her

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But

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Whatever I do is wrong

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And that’s lowkey making my mental health go shit again

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I have guests in 30minutes

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But I just want to ||relapse|| so fucking bad now

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And I’m not even ready

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I spent all day helping my parents

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I have one compact mirror or whatever it’s called

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One side of glass already broke

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Bc it has two inside

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One that like zooms in

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The other normal

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Now the fucking normal one is falling out

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I’ll have to buy a new one

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Lowkey might be a sign to js smash it and end shit finally

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I was meant to be fucking dead last year

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I told myself I will be

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So like wtf did I make it through this year

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I don’t even want to enter a new one

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Oh shit

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She’s gonna take her life

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The fuck do I do now

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Haha fuck my life

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I fucked up again

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Honestly screw all this shit

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Even after everything, if she’s done I’m done

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Haha I’m gonna fucking cry

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And I can’t bc I need to be getting ready

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Yeah sure I’m amazing person

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This all fucking proves I’m not

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Not even close

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All I do is fuck her up more

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That’s all I’ve ever done

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We talked a bit

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I thought it’ll be okay

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The guilt will kill me if she does it

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But it seems she doesn’t want to change her mind

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For now at least

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Lowkey got me thinking

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What’d be the best ways to do it for me

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New years, firework and ||jumping||?

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Silent voice reference or whatever hah

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It looked pretty in the movie

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But if not tonight then when’s the next time with fireworks?

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Tbf I’m scared of fireworks

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The sound

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It always makes me feel super anxious

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I get a weird feeling in my chest

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It feels tight and I hate it

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Lowkey, idk what to do

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I’ll probably be with my family downstairs until new years

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Then after my dad said we’ll watch the stranger things last EP

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So is it even possible to do it tonight

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I think it only depends on her

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Because

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Idk I’m tired mentally

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But

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She’s someone who messages me a lot

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She means so much to me already

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And if she ends her shit

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Then the guilt will really kill me

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So idk

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I guess

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I’ll just have to hope and wait to see if she lives

silver swallow
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silver swallow
silver swallow
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she'll be fine, trust

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Keep talking with her

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even being there is the best option at moments like this

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oh and happy new year from my side

winter summit
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silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
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silver swallow
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lol

winter summit
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Ended up ||cutting|| again

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I can’t seem to even get a month for a while now lmao

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Lowkey didn’t even have a bad reason to

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Just a bunch of small stuff

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Comments here and there

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Self hate

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Overthinking

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And anxiety

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Getting to me I guess

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And I guess it all just contributed to the ||relapse||

winter summit
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And I fucked up again

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Haha she hates me

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I found what she wrote

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Fml

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I only said what I did bc I tried to talk to her so much times

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Sent her comfort paragraphs

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Ofc didn’t change anything

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So what was I meant to say

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I didn’t know what to say anymore if I couldn’t help

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And now it turns out not saying anything just made it worse

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Omg I just keep fucking up

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I was trying do smth earlier

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||choked|| myself but not to the point of dying

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Like myself by hands

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Or tried to

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And I wasn’t responding, just blasting music and constantly doing it

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And I fucked up by not responding

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Yk what? It actually hurts

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I mentioned this before, I wanna do shit like get drunk

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She keeps getting drunk

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So it’s like oh

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And like

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Even tho I want it too

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I’m also scared of drunk people

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Because of my dad

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So when she gets drunk idk what to say and try not to speak as much

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And I’m such an awful person for all these things

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I’m shaking

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Haha

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I was on a game for 8 MINUTES

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And now supposedly I’m a bad person bc I was playing and not responding bc I can play without responding for 6hours

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What

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Omg I’m abt to cry

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Well I am

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I’m always scared to mention if Im going out and stuff in case she doesn’t have people to do that with and gets upset

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And now it’s a problem that I watch smth too?

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No I’m just horrible

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Man I’m always fucking up

#

I actually can’t bro

#

One night

#

She was sleeping

#

I sent her a whole fucking paragraph

#

Trying to comfort her

#

I was debating on my life the same night

#

She was my priority tho

#

I’m someone who finds it hard to ask for help, hard to talk about stuff

#

I denied her help

#

Partly bc she’s drunk rn

#

But other times I also deny

#

And I’m the bad person for denying it bc she’d love to have someone to care for her

#

Did that paragraph not matter? Does everything I say not matter?

winter summit
#

THE FUCK

#

see now what the fuck do I do in these situations

#

I don’t help I’m a bad person

#

I try to help, everything I say isn’t taken into consideration

#

Tried to talk it out

#

She starts going on anyhow she’s awful and she’s gonna end it

#

What the actual FUCK do I do

#

I’m fucking crying again

#

Fuck my life

winter summit
#

I think I fucked up again

#

Genuinely what the fuck am I meant to do

#

I’m crying

#

Todays been really fucking shit

#

Well yesterday

#

And then there’s all these misunderstands

#

And

#

That I’m doing wrong

#

That I’m not doing enough

#

I don’t know what I’m meant to do

#

I deadass love her so much

#

But as I said

#

I comfort her, falls on deaf ears. Yes I get it it won’t help but then what else am I meant to do

#

And then when I don’t comfort

#

I’m a bad person

#

Bc she wants to be noticed

#

But whatever I said didn’t do shit

#

And like

#

Ik ill sound really fucking stupid bc I said I want to drink

#

But then I’m also scared of people who drink

#

Bc of experiences

#

And she kept getting drunk

#

So I just decided to say ‘ok’

#

And

#

That was also bad

#

Bc she wanted to be told not to

#

But it wouldn’t change her mind if I did

#

So I didn’t know what to do

#

And I didn’t want to do anything wrong, scared, I tried to not respond as much

#

Around the same time I ||relapsed|| so I was feeing like really fucking down

#

She wanted to help me

#

I get that

#

But it’s literally a bunch of small problems that add together that just built up

#

So there was nothing to talk about

#

And I want her to help herself first

#

And I just didn’t want to be helped by a drunk person

#

So I kept denying it

#

As I mentioned earlier, I stopped responding to her bc I js lay down. Feeling awful, I just blasted music and ||strangled|| myself or tried to, not to kill me obv, just to get that pressure of whatever, like be unable to breathe or almost

#

And I just kept doing it and letting go and then again

#

And I remembered a game log in so I logged onto the game for 8 minutes

#

Just 8

#

Didn’t check my phone

#

Then just lay down and spaced out

#

Overthinking

#

I open my phone

#

Obv she saw I played

#

That was a bad option obv

#

She ended up talking about it

#

Not to me

#

I read it from elsewhere

#

And she said smth about it not being hard to reply between a game instead of every 6hours

#

What

#

I didn’t respond for an hour or two or smth

#

And like

#

So I’m feeling shitty again

#

Bc I fucked up again

#

Bc I hurt her by doing that

#

She doesn’t know what I did to myself

#

Just that I didn’t respond and played a game instead

#

We were gonna watch smth on Friday

#

I think

#

Or yesterday

#

Idk

#

But she didn’t mention it

#

So I didn’t either, thought oh maybe she changed her mind

#

Later I wat he’d a bit of Tokyo ghoul

#

We agreed to watch smth else

#

It hurt her that I watched smth without her

#

Which I kinda get but like

#

I want my point to be seen too

#

Yk?

#

But genuinely

#

I try to help

#

Not easy to change or feel better js bc of a few words, I know, but I try

#

And obv nothing happens

#

Nothing changes

#

Which I get

#

With that, I decide to just drop it

#

And now suddenly I don’t care about her in her eyes

#

And apparently me declining help is bad bc she wants help which she doesn’t get

#

I’m sorry so everything I said and tried meant nothing?

#

Like I just don’t know what to do anymore

#

Bc everything I do is wrong

#

And now after replying ok to her getting drunk and not digging in deeper to what she says, I’m not putting enough effort into the friendship in her eyes

#

And

#

I tried to talk with her

#

And like

#

Whenever we try to talk abt smth like a misunderstanding

#

She immediately starts talking and abt herself

#

And I love her so ofc it hurts bc I don’t agree with it

#

But it always ends up with her talking bad about herself and talking about ending her life

#

So what am I meant to do

#

I help - nothing, I don’t - I’m a bad person

#

Maybe I just didn’t help enough

#

Even tho I sent paragraphs

#

Maybe I should try harder.

#

Fuck I’m a horrible person let’s face it

#

I fuck up everything

#

I’m not a good person in any relationships

#

Not a good friend, not a good girlfriend, not a good daughter, not a good sister

#

Nothing

#

I fuck up absolutely everything

#

I just

#

Okay so

#

Btw I lost another friend recently

#

We grew apart

#

My ex online bsf reached out a bit, js saying happy new year

#

Idk how I feel abt that

#

Bc she hurt me bad

#

But then in the last it was nice

#

And like

#

I keep getting into arguments

#

And I feel like I’m not putting enough effort into anything

#

Like the current online friendship

#

Or my bf

#

I’m just

#

Idk

#

I deadass don’t think I belong anywhere with anyone

#

I fuck up absolutely everything

#

Bc I did once again

#

Everything I say is wrong

#

Everything I do is wrong

#

No deadass I’m a bad person

#

Yk my real friends?

#

6 person friend group

#

One girl ( D ) said I said smth when I didn’t to some other girl who started talking shit abt me, then her bf did too, and her bf was friends with mine so her bf was talking shit abt me to mine, ik everything that was said, it hurt bro, got told smth i was scared of - that he deserves better and should break up with me- he didn’t but still, then D was also talking shit abt my bsf, my bsf hates her, so then obv it’s kinda awkward, another friend (M) is fake, talks shit abt everyone and doesn’t even hang around us, so it’s kind awkward with her too

#

D leaves me out in lesson

#

She has someone else to talk to she goes to them

#

So I like

#

Shut down around her

#

But then when I talk to her, I get into the convo and feel happy talking to her

#

But then my bsf hates her

#

And prefers all my other friends and me apart from D

#

So D is left out

#

I don’t do shit

#

I feel bad

#

Even tho she leaves me out

#

I don’t do shit

#

Bc, I js don’t feel like I’m good enough, I get pissed over everything. Yk what? I’m starting to actually realise I really am the problem. I love him obv but sometimes try distance myself from him, bc when he follows me around all the time I end up trying to distance from him which probs hurts him, but then when I see him super close to D or some other girl I get pissed too

#

Maybe I’m just insecure

#

But man I’m really shit at everything

#

Daughter wise? I don’t do shit at home, well not anything to help, I get pissed and yell back at my mom when she makes a comment about me

#

Sister? Oh we argue a lot like normal siblings but we both say hurtful things

#

I’m genuinely shit at everything

#

Oh man I really fucked up today and yesterday the most

#

The girl, she’s really so amazing, I love her but I’m just so scared

#

I’m scared of losing her and I’m scared of hurting her, so I’m scared of speaking, so idk what I’m meant to be doing

#

Comforting isn’t good enough, not speaking isn’t good enough

#

Oh man I’m really not cut out for this

#

She’d be better off without me

#

I constantly fuck up

#

I’m so tired of myself

#

I’m just really scared about her, I don’t want her to do anything bad to herself, I’m really fucking scared, I stay up so I’m sure she went to sleep and won’t do something

#

But then I also don’t know how to comfort her

#

And I got fucking skl tomorrow

#

I’m gonna cry

#

Well I am crying

#

I’ve been crying for a few minutes now

#

Not js because of skl

#

Bc of everything

#

I deadass don’t belong anywhere

#

School is awful, home is tiring, online isn’t enough

#

I deadass feel bad for everyone who puts up with me

#

I deadass just want the courage to do smth bad

#

My eyes hurt

#

I’m really just like breaking down

#

I’m actually so scared of everything

#

It’s pathetic in scared of death

#

I’m so tired and yet so scared of doing anything drastic

#

It’s deadass pathetic ( not anyone else who feels this way)

#

Bro deadass I can’t even do anything

#

I hate the options I picked

#

I’m shit at Graphics

#

I don’t have the creativity

#

This one classmate or a few hate me

#

And then the teacher makes us okay fucking GAMES

#

It’s so stressful

#

History would be okay if only the teacher didn’t pick people to answer

#

And now he’s changing the seating plan

#

And I deadass hate most the guys in the class

#

And my ex girl bsf is in the class

#

Fuck my lifeeee

#

Health and social is the only calm one

#

But I don’t think the girls like me either

#

I just want to belong somewhere

#

I want to be a better person

#

I want to be liked which is impossible

#

I want to be different. Personality and look wise

#

Gosh I really fucking hate myself

#

“Omg wait u actually look pretty in this one” I used a fucking filter and had full face makeup

#

Yk I used to do full face

#

Still got treated like shit at skl

#

Not as bad as the first year

#

Oh god the first year was horrifying

#

I remember his face and voice and everything he said and did to me

#

And his friends how’d they all be around

#

I stopped doing full face to skl

#

I want to

#

But I just don’t have the energy

#

And what if the makeup looks shit? That’s just embarrassing

#

Haha this went from crying bc I want to help my friend but don’t know how and I’m not enough to crying about that and how pathetic I am

#

Oh man

#

Oh yeah also Saturday I have to go to fucking polish skl

#

Friend won’t even be there on the first day

#

I don’t know anyone else there

#

I heard some stuff abt some the classmates

#

I don’t wanna go anymore

#

I really don’t

#

I don’t want anything

#

I want to lay in bed and just fucking rot

#

Bro my eyes hurt

#

Man someone just end this shit

#

Idk what’s wrong with me

#

This feels so childish

#

I hate it

#

Been like this for 5 years

#

Oh I’m fucked

#

How tf am I still here

#

Whatever

#

Bro

#

Yk what pisses me off

#

So blocked this person recently

#

But this guy

#

I met him on here

#

I helped him a bit

#

Was there for him

#

He’d ask to call

#

Now I never accepted, I hate my voice, I hate calling

#

During summer when I was on holiday I agreed

#

A few days before my cousin ||sexually harassed|| me and stuff like that, i was with him at the pool. The online dude asks to call I said I can’t bc I’m at the pool. What does he say? “Wow you’re so lucky you have good contact with your family..” okay, so my dad got drunk and tried to choke me and kept shoving me a few weeks before, I just really hate people that fucking assume shit

#

But whatever

#

Guess he hasn’t been drunk for a while

#

Shouldn’t complain

#

And all parents yell and shit

#

So I won’t complain

#

But bro

#

I’m deadass just so

#

Tired

#

I just want to stop fucking up

#

Yk what

#

Fuck it

#

I’m just gonna change my style of typing

#

Try out more effort

#

Read into every small message

#

At least it’ll look like I’m making an effort

#

Bc I want to

#

Everyone means so much more to me than I show

#

I just really don’t know how to show it

#

But it’s okay

#

Fake it till u make it or whatever

#

Feed them what they want to hear until depression hits again but harder and I have no energy

#

Lowk have no energy now

#

But whatever

#

Fuck it

#

Others come first

#

Lowkey I’m kinda fucked up

#

Bc I’m venting sobbing my eyes out

#

But the second someone asks me to talk about it I just blank an feel embarassed to talk about it and just shut down and don’t want to

#

I need to get a grip bro

#

Lowkey accepted help

#

Ik damn well imma wake up tmr and punch myself and think ‘why did I agree’ and feel all embarrassed

#

Yk she’s like

#

Gentle in the was she speaks

#

She doesn’t give up, insists on helping me

#

Even after everything

#

I’m starting to think once again

#

Maybe I really did do wrong

#

I should’ve been the same

#

Not gave a few paragraphs and gave up after a short while

#

I hope she finds someone worth her time one day

#

She deserves it

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
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silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
#

Bro genuinely thank you so much and I’m really sorry but I’m falling asleep rn plus my eyes r puffy and I need it to like disappear a bit so I’m gonna go to sleep and I’ll respond in the morning, not gonna ping u or anything but js saying this so you don’t think I’m ignoring you, even if you might not see this

winter summit
winter summit
#

Oh yeah

#

We kinda sorted it out

#

She said that everything that she said wasn’t true she just doesn’t know what she’s saying

#

Idk if she actually meant that bc I said that to her before everything but it’s okay

#

We kinda talked it out

#

Kinda pushed the topic and what she said away

#

But it’s fine

winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
# silver swallow how old is she?

A year and 2months older, I don’t think she knows it, I think she told me her age and I said she’s older than me but idk if she was sober then or not so I think the message might’ve gone unnoticed, but yeah she’s underaged

winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
#

But

#

It’s still something

#

6 weeks of school until next break

#

So 30 days

#

🥲

winter summit
# silver swallow Why tho?

I somehow end up doing something wrong in every single relationship. With all my past friends, all my current friends, everything, but maybe I’ll just try to change. Tbf idk how bc in my past friendship whenever I forced myself to put more emotion in even tho I did really care, after a few days I just felt exhausted and depressed as fuck XD but maybe it’ll be different this time

winter summit
#

She always tells me I’m the best an everything

#

I think relationships should be fair

#

But deadass

#

She’s the better person

winter summit
silver swallow
#

i know some methods to prevent it from coming to mimd

#

mind

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
#

Wait I’ll respond in a sec

winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
#

She said she’ll try stop tho

#

So it’s okay

#

And if she ends up drinking, I’ll try talk her out of it but if it doesn’t work then I’ll still be there to support her

winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
silver swallow
winter summit
#

Brooooo

#

So this ain’t that big of a deal but like

#

I couldn’t sleep last night right

#

And yesterday I was speaking with my bf

#

I spoke abt lil peep and abt how it’s sad he’s dead

#

Don’t ask I can’t get over lil peep bro

#

And like

#

He was like ‘who tf is that’

#

So

#

I said he made music n shi and there’s no way he doesn’t know him

#

Or at least one of his songs

#

And he kept saying he doesn’t

#

Do whn I couldn’t sleep I spent like half an hour on tiktok or so finding videos of lil peep

#

And some most popular songs

#

And

#

Today after skl I sent them to him

#

And then I rewatched them myself

#

It took me 7min to watch all of them

#

Which I get can be a lot

#

I don’t even think he watched them

#

Bc

#

After I sent them I said smth abt it

#

At 4:09

#

He also responded at 4:09

#

And I sent the vids at the same time before the text

#

🥲

#

Oh well

#

I sent my cousin a vn