#꒦꒷εїз꒷꒦

1 messages · Page 2 of 1

winter summit
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So I’m waiting for them to recharge

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I think ones on 30% tho so I might js use it

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Anyways

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I’m so lazy it’s unbelievable

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Absolutely no goals in life

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It’s kinda disappointing

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But in the end I know it my choice I’m not doing anything

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But it kinda just feel draining to do anything

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3 more weed until half term

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Only a week off

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I js want to rot all day in bed already

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I have all this time

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I csnt even take a day off

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My parents bought a holiday to Tunisia in May

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My attendance is already 89% bc I missed the first 2 days of school

dusk lion
winter summit
# dusk lion Whatt?!

Yeah,it was on some website thing with hotels,I’m going for a week for £1.7k I think.Luckily you don’t have to pay it all at once ,you pay monthly

dusk lion
dusk lion
winter summit
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Yeah cool I miss school for week but that means I can’t take days off now

winter summit
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I might try take w day off later this week tho

dusk lion
winter summit
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Or early next week

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Js gonna say im in pain or smth

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And hope for the best

winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
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Also

dusk lion
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Niiiice

winter summit
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Actually nvm I forgot the question

winter summit
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I’ll be able to see the sunset and sunrise

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Well

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Not both

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But either one

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Bc every hotel room has a balcony

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And plus

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Since the hotel is right beside the Bach I can just be out till sunset

dusk lion
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In Whatt city

winter summit
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Imma js tell u what it says bc idk cities exactly lmao

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Sousse,Tunisia

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Idk if I spelt it right

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And lemme check if the other name is the hotel or actual area

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Okay nvm yeah it’s Sousse

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If that’s how u spell it

dusk lion
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I live here 😭😭😭

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Well not in a touristic area

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But still in Sousse lol

winter summit
winter summit
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Never been anywhere out of Europe so I’m not even going to be able to visit like any shops

dusk lion
winter summit
# dusk lion Oh?

Yeah I wanted to but my parents said they’ve never been there so they’re not js gonna trust it,they said it’s better to be safe than sorry so yeah

dusk lion
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That feels just a little bit racist but I get it

winter summit
# dusk lion That feels just a little bit racist but I get it

I get it,I’m it sounds like that lol sorry but my parents do t really have a problem with other races,I’m friends with many races and they never cared,I even went to my bsf house when she was celebrating Eid or so,or at least my mom doesnt mind.Idk how exactly my dad feels about others,he’s fine with me being friends with them but I don’t know why he really thinks

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It does sound racist tho,I get it

dusk lion
winter summit
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I will thank youu

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And just to be clear

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I’m NOT racist

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Js in case

dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
winter summit
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I highkey feel like most people only talk to me when they need to vent or js want something from me

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That sucks

winter summit
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Today wasn’t even bad

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And yet now I’m laying in bed feeling shit

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I have to wake up in 4h

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Not bad

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Last time i only got w few mins of sleep

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I need to go downstairs for smth

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But my moms sleeping downstairs

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And she’s awake bc she js came upstairs to my sisters room then back down

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I’ll get yelled at if I go down downstairs sad_huddle

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Well not yelled at as everyone’s sleeping

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Not rn anyways

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Skl again in a few hours

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Too stressful

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People stress me out

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I wish they all went on a trip

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That lasted a whole month

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Or at least a week

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I’m tired lol

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But not at the same time

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Like I wanna sleep

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Bc like

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Ik I’m gonna be super tired at skl otherwise

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And maybe sleep will make me feel a bit better

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But then

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It I sleep now,in a second il l wake up and it’ll be day

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And I won’t be able to lay in bed for another like 10h

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And I won’t be able to use my phone

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And plus even tho I feel tired I’m not like tired enough to sleep

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Idk

winter summit
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Today not the worst ig

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Bro my friend smiled at me while some kid had his coat on an the teacher was saying “what’s all this?Just take it off man” and etc

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So I smiled back

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And this guy goes

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“Right this isn’t w smiling matter”

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And then he said my name and he didn’t even say it properly

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Ends with an a

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He says “aye”

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Anyways

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Not the worst

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Finished my RS test,lowk struggled at one bit but it’s fine,did a mini biology test he to see how we’re getting on

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Answers were on the board tho

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DT the teacher yapped a lot so we had no time for games

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Yayayayay

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DT tmr period 1 tho.

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Then history

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Teacher picks on people

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Last time put me on the spot bro

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Spacing out,barely had an answer written

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“Which do u think was better?l

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Bro idk

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I js said ones a bit better than the other

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This guy goes

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“Why?”

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You tell me why

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I literally do not know

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That shi was so embarrassing I thought I was gonna kms

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He’d be a nice teacher

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It only he didn’t pick on people

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And this guy I sit next to

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Okay so I thought

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Right so he was like idk

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Called my friend his friend and js seemed nice

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So I was like ig it’s not bad

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First few lessons

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Didn’t speak too much

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Js asked me “hi how are u?” Like 5 times a lesson

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Then it was more like “I’m smart right?” Or “I’m cool right?” Or js stupid shi like that,saying I’m nice and smart and so bc I let him copy my work

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Right so 2 lessons ago

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I did the test he didn’t bc he skipped the lesson

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Came in sat down

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Was asking if I want food or smth

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Stupid stuff again

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Js talking a bit

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Then he gets told he has to leave the class to do the test

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He says “Goodluck” bc I’m marking my test and as he walks past pats my head

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Excuse me?

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Right

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Okay cool friendly guy but bro I don’t even talk to him outside of class apart from when he says “hi bestie”

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And bro I have my bf and people will get the wrong idea

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Praying he skips lesson tmr

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Bc like yeah he’s not a rude guy,he’s calm but no more shi like that pls

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This guy is the friendliest guy you’ll meet

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He talks to everyone and anyone

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But boundaries bro

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Anyways

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I’m tired

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And feeling tired is making me feel shit

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In stuck between wanting to avoid mirrors but needing to make sure my hairs not a mess or I don’t look even worse

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Bro everyone’s so pretty in my year

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In my skl in general

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What a pain in the ass

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Anyways imma sleep probs

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Sleep to forget frfr (for a while)

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Oh quick thing

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I keep getting weird dreams

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Like idk uneasy vibe ones

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Like there’s smth in missing in them

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Why would I run across the road he to get smth for my friend while the lights green fir the cars

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Why am I encountering w murderer

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Why am I walking towards a playground and forest with no street lights

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Why am I hiding out in the woods with my siblings in fear of some people

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Why am I literally witnessing a sacrifice or whatever

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Anyways

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Weird ass dreams fr

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I started writing them down

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I had 3 or 4 dreams within 5 days

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I also had one last night I think

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I js remember a small bit and woke up feeling uneasy,one minute before my alarm

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Anyways

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Now I fr go

winter summit
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So uhm

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I kind of slept until now

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So I slept abt 12h

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I didn’t even get to play games

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Or get ready for bed

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But lowkey

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Maybe it’s good

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Bc maybe I’ll stay up again

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I still feel lowkey tired

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But

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Not as bad

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I had an alarm for 9:30

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Didn’t wake me

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I had one for 10

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Woke me up

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Well I put it in snooze or wtv

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And my window curtain was like halfway up

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And the bed is right beside the window

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So I took this pic

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The hallway light is reflecting tho

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Anyways

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Then I turned over and kinda fell asleep again

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No bc like now my head hurts again

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It hurts all the time tho so

winter summit
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Anyways

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Haven’t eaten for like 14h now

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Im not the slight bit hungry

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Well I didn’t eat all day almost

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Nothing in the morning or at school

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And js some leftovers from dinner the day before

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I still can’t eat

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Even after a piece of toast or cookie

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I js feel so guilty and nauseous

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And the feeling doesn’t go away for an hour or longer

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Anyways

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Okay I’ll start getting ready for skl soon

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Im actually comfortable in bed

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I fell asleep in my hoodie

dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
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Bc like

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It’s better than not coming at all

dusk lion
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Yeah

winter summit
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School is hell

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Being talked abt for no reason

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Anyways

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Tomorrow I have history

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I hate it now

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That dude was asking me to do his work but like idk I asked him if he meant now and his friend goes “stop flirting” etc which pmo bc I’m dating someone and he was js like “nah man stop it” and then idk they were yapping and the friend that said the flirting thing was like “her talking to u is like a vio”

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So I’m like oh okay

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Idk if I understood that right but js great

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Vio aka violation

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The way I understood it was that it’s like bad he’s even talking to me

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So I’m like oh alr wtv then

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But it’s js like,yk they will go off after the lesson and they’ll be talking like “why’d u say that she’s so —-” or shi like that like people always do after being told they’re flirting with someone quiet

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People disgust me

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Was embarassing af bc everyone in class was quit and looked at us

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Kill me

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Bro I got my RS results back

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2 papers

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Like starter test

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First paper 22/30 second paper 19/30

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Out of the 3 options I picked,I only don’t mind one of them

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And tbh it’s the only lesson I’m actually fine with

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Aka health and social

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Everyone saying they miss school and you’ll always miss skl

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Alr ig I don’t doubt that bc like u go to work and he miss it or wtv

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But like

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Rn I js wanna get out of here bro

winter summit
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Chat

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I did in fact not get the day off

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Tbh I didn’t try much

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I really did feel ill today tho

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I felt nauseous basically all day

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I think I’ll just take a nap soon (I’ll either end up sleeping until tmr morning or like 11pm,js depends)

winter summit
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Sleep didn’t last long btw

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Tried to go back to sleep

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No

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I’ve been laying here for hours

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And nothing

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I feel tired but not

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Crashing out bc my bsf is grounded

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So

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I wanan bed rot but go out

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But now I have no where to go

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We might try have a sleepover on Halloween

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With two other friends

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Well one can’t

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So just one other friend

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And we were gonan go to like w forest like park thing

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But we’ll see

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Bc like

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It’s pretty isolated so

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Or we’ll js go during the day

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Yeah

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Anyways

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I want to sleep

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I havent eaten all day but i dont want to

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Bro got made fun of bc of my looks today while omw to meet my friend

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By a dude no one likes

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Tbh I wouldn’t care bc like

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I don’t like him either

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But still

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It was abt my looks

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He pmo tho

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Wait

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Oh I sit by him next week

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In lesson he yaps to me in polish

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Well he did last lesson

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And then today made fun of me

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I hate people

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I’ve taken like

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Idk 6 paracetamols in the last hour or so

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And it didn’t even help

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None of my irl friends talk to me

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Like outside of skl

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Oh yh

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Kinda dropped my online friend

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The girl who kept chowing her bf until I sent her w big ass paragraph

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Was okay for a while

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Called and played for 7h a day

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Then she went to the beach for a few days

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Then I lost like all motivational to call and stuff

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Then I went on holiday

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Then after that we js didn’t speak the same as before we both went somewhere

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Js “gm” “gn”

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at one point I forgot to respond

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Next day I fell asleep early

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I apologised

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She js said “atleast u slept”

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Nice right?

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Didnt speak after wards

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My fault bc I left her on read

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Oh yh

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Before we texted just gm and gn

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I felt like she felt forced to text me

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And

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Us not talking and js sending like gm made me feel

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Idk

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How to describe it

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But like I had a weight on me

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Idk

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So I asked her if she wants to end the friendship

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We went on break

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Her choice

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3 days

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She said she felt kind of lighter when we didn’t speak

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She said she didn’t speak to anyone else tho too

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I also felt kinda lighter

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Didn’t tell her tho

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Then after 2 days we stopped talking

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It’s been 2 or 3 weeks

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But now I’m stating to feel terrible

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Online friend of 4-5 years

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And this time I can’t even blame her

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I became dry again

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I was the problem this whole time

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Yes she also did wrongs

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But I’m the one who got dry first

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All bc she’d be with guys 24/7 or bc I js didnt have the energy to talk

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I was okay a few days ago abt us not talking

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Then the old gc.

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So

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She had a gc on here

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With one other girl

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And like 6 guys in using her bf

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They played Roblox together (usually her and 4 of the other guys including her bf)

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Nice for a while

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But whenever I played with them I was left out

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Or she’d mostly talk with the guys in the gc

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A dude added a girl without asking

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She got mad

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Asked to make a gc with the “og members”

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She wasn’t even an og

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So now they had a seperate gc

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The only ones not in it were me and the new girl

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It was shitty

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Bc now the gc we were in became dead

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And everyone left

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Js me,one dude,my online friend,her bf and the gc creator are in it

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The due left at first

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Then got added back

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After me and my online friend did those paragraphs and she explained why she’s always w her bf

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He left

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Bc I gave him my opinion

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The dude that got added back added the bf back 3 days ago

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3 of them talked on the gc for a while

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Now silence again

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I think them talking again made me feel shit again

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Bc I don’t wanna leave the gc

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But

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No one messages me lmao and the gc is like near the top of my DMs

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I miss her but I fucked up and there’s no going back this time

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Some dude who’s 5 years older is the only one who actually speaks to me

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Met him a few months ago on here

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I r know what we look like,age,what country we live in and nothing more

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And our voices obv

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Nice guy right?

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Yeah sure

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Maybe too nice tho

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He likes me

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And he’s older

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Like 5 years

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He knows I have a bf

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He keeps telling me he respects I have a bf and wants me to stay with him but he loves me

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I updated my bf at first abt everything

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He js always said “oh ty”

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I feel terrible right

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I feel bad if I block bc the guy said I’m the nicest girl he’s ever met and I comfort him when he needs it

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But then I feel bad continually talking to him while Ik he likes me

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I wish I didn’t feel bad abt everything

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But yeah he’s the only one telling to me everyday

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Worst thing is he’s waiting to finally call and play together again

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It’s been 3 weeks or longer

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I have no energy to

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Whenever I tried vent abt something or someone

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He’d always try see the other persons point

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Only going on abt the other persons

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“Maybe they’re js hurt”

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Etc

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I think that made me lose the energy to talk to him

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Tbh I never event vented properly

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Js brief shi

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But yeah

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Oh and the occasional ppl that message me on here

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I wish I could js text first

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But I can’t

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I js can’t bro

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But then no one talks to me

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And it’s even worse bc I lost that friend

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And I have no one to blame but myself

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||I want to relapse||

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But I feel so sick today

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And will for the next few days

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Ik I will

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It’s always like this

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The second I’m feeling a bit better I’m doing it

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Damn I’m so tired of everything.

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Okay icl venting makes me feel worse sometimes

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Js like

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Makes it hit more

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But yeah I feel like giving up

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I’m always fucking up man

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In friendships,relationships,school,everything

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Js end this man

dusk lion
dusk lion
winter summit
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
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Oh also

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I had a physics test yesterday

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Idk how much it wasout of

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I think 20

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I got 9

dusk lion
winter summit
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And

dusk lion
winter summit
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I tried ask the teacher why w question

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Bc I got 52Million for the height

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Bc it was like equations

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But there’s no specific one to find height so we had to do smth with the equation ourselves

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I got 52Million

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The answer was 6.2

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I’m failing bro

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Anyways

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Taking more pain killers rn

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I might js do my genshin claims and play Roblox

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Actually

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Idk

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I’ll js play smth and listen to music

dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
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I still feel so nauseous

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Last night was weird

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After a whole day at school,and the day before with no naps and waking up early

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I wasn’t tired

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I couldn’t sleep until 2 or 3

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Then woke up at 5

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And just kept waking up after that

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Anyways

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My stomachs killing me man

winter summit
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I’m wondering if I didn’t fuck up the friendship again if I would would be feeling so lonely rn,I could be spending time with her rn or anyone else who I stopped talking to

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Why can’t I just message first ffs

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I’ve rot in my bed all day doing nothing,afk grinding on the most boring games ever

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I remember constantly playing the games she showed me so I could actually get better and play with her

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She was the only one who was willing to me spend time with me

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Sometimes

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Even tho she was js an online grind

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I csnt keep any friendships ffs

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There’s smth wrong with me

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She’s moved on already,gone back to her bf and guy friends

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All my irl friends r out today or doing their own stuff

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My life is pointless.

winter summit
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My head hurts

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I feel

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Detached?

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Idk.

winter summit
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I’m probably going to stop writing on here.

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Idk for how long.

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Maybe js for a few days

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Maybe not come back onto this journal at all

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Idc anymore

dusk lion
winter summit
dusk lion
winter summit
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Chat I give up

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I need to write

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Maybe I’ll just like

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Take breaks from writing so I’m not writing everyday

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I Hate boys

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I’m saying boys bc males they act a certain way shouldn’t be called man no matter the age

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Same with girls

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Bro they PMO so bad I can’t

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Actually js

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Kill me bro

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Just walking past as a kid from the year above holds th door open

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My friends saw thy were messing abt

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Bc he was there with his friends

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And don’t want to go

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But our lesson was gonna start and there was a bunch of kids coming to like get to their lesson which would make the hallway cramped and then they’d all start pushing like always

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I thought my friends were behind me

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Were they?No

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I didn’t know so I just start walking

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What did I get?A inappropriate action and smth said or wtv else to call it

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Don’t even know these kids and they’re being weird

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And then my friends come

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Laughing and stuff

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Sure can be seen as a joke but I felt so awkward and embarrassed then

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And obv uncomfortable

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Smh

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Then the kid I sit next to in chemistry

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Always doing inappropriate shit

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Like piss off

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Bro

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I decided

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Like that friend

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The online friend of 5 years

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We stopped talking like w month ago after taking a break form each other

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Ik I mentioned her before,picking her online bf over me and stuff

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I felt so uneasy with us js not talking like that

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So I message her

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Like

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Properly ending the friendship

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Kind of

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I explained what I did wrong,that she also did wrong,that in he unhealthy to be around,it’s clearly not working out and it’d be better for her to just end the friendship officially and focus on her bf once again or whatever

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Even tho she was lol

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And

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She replies

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Saying she gets it,but she was also to blame,she wishes she acted different but she can’t fix it now,those kinds stuff

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She asked if it’s okay if she messaged me sometimes

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I said yeah okay

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I’ll message her anyways bc her birthdays coming up

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Then we went into a small convo abt when we’ll stop giving each other birthday wishes,what we want to be in the future,etc

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And now silence

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Which I’m not complaining bc that was the point of the paragraph

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I know this is for the best,I’m meant to feel better abt ending it officially

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But

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I feel so terrible

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She was the only one who willingly spoke to me(when she did obv)

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I’m really all alone

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She has people she can talk to,a whole gc

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I only had her

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Now I regret not changing

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I regret sending that paragraph

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I should’ve just started a convo and started working on fixing it

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I hate myself

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I always end up alone

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And whoever else I spoke to online,I haven’t spoken to in weeks.

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I’m too scared to start convos

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I’m always bothering people.

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I feel

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I don’t know

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Unneeded

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That there’d be no difference without me

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When she asked what I want to be

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I said idk

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Didn’t think about it

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Bc I didn’t

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There’s no point thinking about it if I’m not making it

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I’m too scared to try again

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I want it all to end so bad but I’m so scared

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I’m so terrible

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I’m suspecting there’s smth off with my bf

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He’s super close with my friends

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Good thing right

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Meant to be w green flag he gets along with them

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I hate it

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He’s always messing with them

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My friends lesbian

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He’s messing with her the most 24/7

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So I’m meant to not worry as she’s a different sexuality

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But

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Idk I csnt help but overthink it

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I ended up having a dream abt us not telling or smth and then a friend told me he said he lost feelings a while ago

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It’s like

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Idk

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This morning he was with my friendgroup

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I was with my bsf coming towards them

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In lesson a friend told me they had to like

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Convince him to talk to me

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That they were saying “bro js go to her” or “talk to her” and he didn’t want to bc he wanted to stand with them instead

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That sucks

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I got told he wa ashore nervous when we first started dating

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But now he’s not

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And it’s stupid bc I trust him but can’t help but overthink it

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Damn bro I have no one

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Bc everyone says I’m js overthinking it

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And then no one knows about everything else going on

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Lolol

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People use me to vent,got comfort and then never speak to me again

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How pathetic can I be

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I kinda joined here to help others even tho I’m struggling,because I wanted to feel needed

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But it really sucks when they only talk to you when they need to vent

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I wish I could open up easier

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I’m really not okay

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There’s no hope for me lol

#

I honestly don’t care what happens to me anymore

#

I tried to find reasons to keep going

#

And yes even tho I’m scared of it,idc if I die anymore

#

I’m so tired of feeling useless

#

Damn bro accidentally commented on someone journal when they said not to

#

Smh

#

I give up with ts

#

Wait now I feel bad

#

Imma js shut up atp

winter summit
#

Napped for about two hours

#

I feel so

#

Idk

#

Drained or weak idk

#

Smth like that

#

Idjfisjdjs

#

I’m so tired

#

But tbh that’s only my fault ,I stay up most the night,go to school,nap at home after school and repeat

#

Bro I got yelled at a few seconds ago bc I was sleeping or smth

#

Idk I asked my mom like

#

If she could like put the bathtub on or wtv it’s called at 9

#

And to wake me up after

#

She said Alr

#

She told me like 3 mins ago

#

I’m awake,getting my stuff

#

And I js woke up so I’m like idk

#

And he comes and starts yelling at me that I should like look over the water to make sure it doesn’t overflow or smth and stuff like that

#

Like mb bro?

#

Tbh idrc bc he’s always like this

#

Was literally like they on Monday

#

Rjafhsksj

#

My head hurts

winter summit
#

Oh yeah

#

Someone like reached out o me if that’s the correct word

#

Super sweet person

#

Surprisingly,I felt better after talking a bit

#

I always avoided it bc I thought it didn’t help

#

But I’m glad

#

I was gonna ||relapse|| but like

#

I think I’ll see how tmr goes

#

I told myself I’m gonna read today and finish my crystal art bc I’m so close to finishing it and starting a new one

#

Or diamond painting

#

Idk the name

#

But I just slept

#

I csnt find the picture I wanted to send

#

Anyways

#

Bro the summer Hikaru died

#

The last EP for now came out like 3 weeks ago

#

FINSLLY FOUND IT

#

Chat I don’t wanna go to skl tmr

#

But I missed two days and got told I have 89% attendance and need it above 90 or I get fined

#

Skl is draining

#

No man I have history with the worst teacher

#

Well out of the two teachers he’s worst

#

I go told to go to bed

#

Smh

#

I’m js gonna turn the light off

#

Bro skl is je

#

Js*

#

Fjeirjwksja

#

One of the reasons for my shit mental health

#

Or whatever

#

It’s not that bad,not as bad as it was in year 7

#

I think

#

Omg inspect calls

#

Lowkey sick

#

Inspector is so nonchalant

#

Anywyas

#

My head hurts again

#

And

#

I ended up yapping on here abt unnecessary stuff

#

Hang on imma js delete them

#

Okay done

#

Once again unnecessary but

#

I NEED to redye my hair

#

I hate it

#

Screw it imma js show it

#

This was how dark it was when I first got it

IMG_7251.jpg IMG_9724.jpg
#

We ignore the shit photos

#

Then I went on holiday

#

And

#

Like went to Pools and stuff

#

And the chlorine

#

Like

#

Removed the dye bro

#

That was like after the holidays

#

I had my hair up most of the time at the pool so it’s mostly the ends that like

#

Lost the dye

#

I loved the top colour

#

That light blue

#

But the greenish blue

#

No

#

And now most my hair looks like the bottom part

#

And I hate it

#

And

#

I need to wait 3 weeks to redye it

#

Bro my roots already grew back

#

So I’ll need to like bleach again in two months or so

#

Mb if my hair looks messy btw,second pic it was windy that day

#

Oh yeah

#

THE BEACH SCENE.

#

Of the summer Hikaru did

#

I can’t

#

bro but their like relationship is so unclear

#

It’s said it’s not romantic

#

And ‘Hikaru’ confessed he loves yoshiki but he doesn’t know in what way

#

And then they have a whole fight bc hikaru wants to leave for good

#

Like they right in the water

#

And like

#

Okay so idc abt the sexuality

#

But bc I wanna recommend it to someone

#

And they care abt it

#

And I csnt work it out

#

Bc in some scenes they look like a couple

#

But then it’s said they’re not

#

Smh idk

#

Tbh they’d be good together

#

But anywyas

#

If hikaru fr dies

#

Sigh

#

It’s meant to be a horror anime

#

Js depressing icl

#

Now I have to wait 2 years for season 2

#

If I get money

#

I’ll try buy the manga

#

Maybe

#

I’m trying to get a ps5

#

Bc I have a 4 and like

#

It’s been my whole childhood

#

But someone told me they’re stopping the updates and stuff for it

#

I csnt live without my PS no joke

#

My dad was trying to find a used one for £250

#

He found it but like

#

Now it’s js a matter of money

#

Bc having siblings and pets and all that isn’t easy icl

#

Tbh

#

I’m grateful

#

In a way

#

But he only shows care by money

#

As if spending money will fix everything

#

Anyways

#

Not the point

#

I’ll js say

#

At least that

#

Yeah

#

Whatever

#

But

#

I’m too tired for skl

#

But csnt sleep

#

I have PE tmr

#

I csnt

#

Kill me bro

#

And my charger isn’t working

#

Kinda started yapping again

#

I need to fr learn when to switch journals

#

Whatever

#

Free yap session

#

Idk

#

Smh

#

I hate skl

#

Most people do

#

Js end already

#

Either il len skl or skl will end me

#

If that makes sense

#

Simple as that

#

But then homeschooled is shit too

#

Bro it’s just the people

#

The teachers aren’t bad

#

Heck my maths teacher is sweet

#

Crashing out a lot but he always goes on abt how he cares about us

#

And other teachers

#

It’s js the students bro

#

I guess I’ll just

#

Watch a bit of Japanese tales of the Macabre

#

Bc why not

#

And play a bit

#

Before sleeping

#

I’ll probs be up another 2hours

#

I’ll try sleep earlier today

#

Bc my dad’s getting mad abt me napping after skl

#

Smh

dusk lion
#

Seems like a lot happened since the last time we talked

dusk lion
winter summit
winter summit
#

Damn bro I was told I’m allowed any piercing in the summer and I watched eyebrow piercing like healing vids bc I lowk want one

#

And

#

I came to talk to my parents about it

#

Like js ask if they were being fr that I’m allowed

#

And like js tell them abt the bruising and rejecting and all

#

My dad was on the phone

#

Bc they’re planning to move back to their home country after May 2026 I think

#

Or so

#

Obv we’d have to go with them

#

I finish skl in two years

#

I have my first PSA or smth in Feb

#

So I hope we do stay until I do my GCSEs

#

Anyways

#

Then

#

Like

#

Bc my aunt lived in the country

#

Like the home one

#

Ffs I’m js say Poland

#

Way easier

#

And like they were talking about how the jobs are there and then about buying s house

#

I decided to js wait

#

Waited about 20mins

#

Then

#

My aunt said she’ll call back bc she has to do smth,my mom tells my dad “why if u go to poland for 6months,get a stable job while i save up here,we then come to poland too and buy a apartment or home”

#

Then some argument broke out

#

See idek why

#

It was abt money or so

#

They argued for 10mins

#

Mostly my dad just yelling until my mom finally yelled once he went upstairs

#

And I’m js sitting there

#

So I’m like idk do I js drop the topic

#

So I start mentioning it to my mom,like I js said “oh yeah I was watching like eyebrow piercing videos”

#

Or smth

#

And she looked at me and nodded slightly and turned her head away

#

So I was carrying on,like I started talking about the healing and when I could get it

#

I didn’t even finish

#

Bc I was getting ignored and she js started yapping abt my dad yelling and stuff

#

Smh

#

Tbh idrc

#

That I didn’t get to ask abt the eyebrow piercing

#

Js the fact I got ignored

#

Like damn okay

#

But ig it’s not that deep

#

I missed like half my lesson today bc I had a substitute and couldn’t find the class

#

Bc we got given the wrong class

#

But

#

It’s okay

#

Bc

#

Missed lesson

#

But we looked stupid walking around

#

I remember skipping

#

Lowk fun but stressful

#

Bc

#

Yh u get caught u get taken back to lesson or iso

#

Tbh I only skipped once

#

And it was only bc my friend was having trouble with classmates and said she didn’t want to skip alone but was too scared to go to lesson

#

And the teachers weren’t doing anything

#

So I decided

#

Why not I have shit lessons and I wanna try

#

Skipped form

#

Went to period 1

#

Skipped period 2

#

And then skipped half of period 3

#

But got caught

#

Only bc I went past the toilets and an SLT teacher was there and asked where I was going

#

Then I was alone

#

Bc the friend went to a meeting with a teacher

#

Told me to walk around and wait for her

#

Anyways

#

Now my parents know what truancy is and I’d get my ass beaten

#

But it’s okay bc my lessons aren’t that bad

#

Js History

#

Most

#

Idk

#

Teacher picking on people

#

And idk

#

I js feel so

#

Idk I js space out the most in that lesson

#

And feel half asleep or smth

#

Wait I don’t want to go to my home country or wtv

#

But skl sucks

#

But then I have to do skl there

#

I’m ass at polish

#

And would have no friends there

#

Djahsjshs

#

I have a scar that I got like 5 months ago

#

It’s kinda dark

#

Not too dark

#

But whenever I get water on it it becomes darker

#

And its like bro

dusk lion
winter summit
#

Tbh js now I’m realising how much i scarred but i think it’s js me noticing bc most r kinda faded and plus once i got told “u see it so much bc ur aware of it”

#

Or smth

#

It was abt smth else but still

winter summit
#

I don’t get how it works

#

But we move on

#

Tmr I lowk have ass lessons

#

English
Graphics(DT)
Biology
Maths
Physics

#

Tbh nothing particularly bad abt English,biology and maths

#

Or physics tbh

#

Js

#

Idk

#

I’m too tired

#

I csnt wait for the half term

#

I’m sleeping all day

#

Well

#

I csnt for the first 2 days bc I’m home alone with my siblings so I have to be up at 8 or so

#

Staying up and then sleeping all day>

#

I have nothing else to write abt for now so

dusk lion
#

Goodluck

winter summit
winter summit
#

I felt numb for a day or two

#

Then I felt lighter

#

Nothing really bothered me as much

#

That was this week

#

I thought I’m finally getting better

#

Tonight it all hit again

#

And I feel terrible

#

My aunt and uncle came over

#

My dad got drunk

#

He blurted out he and my mom are marrying after being together for 20+ years

#

They weren’t meant to tell us yet

#

No one’s meant to know

#

They’re not doing a whole party thing

#

Ceremony thing

#

Just a small private wedding

#

Because thy only want the papers

#

Bc when they move to their home country (with us obv) they said it’d make life so much easier so they only want the papers

#

I guess I should be happy for them

#

But I don’t think they’re too happy together at times

#

Like normal relationship anyways

#

But I remember my mom once telling me to not go for a guy like my dad,that he makes her feel terrible at times

#

That was a year or two ago

#

So idk

#

Anyways

#

Guests went

#

Not too long ago I started resident evil on my dads PS

#

Was stuck

#

He suddenly remembered and came to my room

#

Gripped my thigh and started asking me why am I not playing the game

#

All messing about or whatever

#

But I didn’t like it

#

I was pissed and uncomfortable because of that

#

Oh and I left my drawing on my desk and my dog stole my sisters chicken from her room,ran to MY room with it and started eating it on my desk

#

Fucking drawing ruined

#

And it was for my friend

#

Her birthday was a week ago but she told me to take my time with the drawing

#

She told me it’s okay but it’s fucking not

#

And tmr is the last day at home before school

#

I can’t

#

I’m so stressed

#

I dye my hair bc I like it

#

But fuck I’m gonna get stared at again and have comments made

#

And my classmates in general

#

I feel so fucking alone idk

#

Everyone has smth bad to say abt me

#

I’m struggling so bad again

#

Last year was my worst year

#

(November 2024-July 2025)

#

But I feel so shit rn

#

I’m ||relapsing||

#

I’m one month and 4 days clean

#

Fuck fuck fuck

#

The longest I’ve been in months if not years

#

I can’t tho

#

I had the urge for a few weeks,even if nothing terrible happened,it’s just like an addiction

#

And now with how shitty I feel

#

I can’t help it

#

I’m going to take a bath and then do it

#

I was meant to be clean 8 months ago

#

When my parents found out

#

I’m so glad they forgot

#

But I can’t stop

#

I don’t think I’ll ever get better

#

In a way,I feel empty when I’m not struggling

#

This is so fucked up

winter summit
#

I hate reaching out

#

I hate being honest when I’m asked what’s up

#

probably bc then I don’t want people to feel pressured to answer

#

And sometimes I don’t even know properly what’s wrong with me

#

I can’t even reach out in channels bc I prefer to be helping people and I prefer the people I’m helping to not know about how I’m feeling

#

But writing on here lowk feels pathetic really

#

(Not others writing on their journals btw,I just mean me writing on here)

#

Icl I thought I was feeling kind of lighter when I joined

#

But I just feel the same way I did before joining again

#

Smh

#

There’s no way out of this

winter summit
#

1st November was all dead day or wtv,idk what it’s called from polish to English

#

You just go to the cemetery and light up candle and pre and all that

#

I went once last year

#

It’s really pretty