Itsoutchy's venting journal

[latent summit]

So, it was around.. February or March, at this time, my nan fell ill, so she had to go to the hospital for a while. I don't know exactly why, but I overheard about Sepsis, and of course, me being curious, I googled it and much to my horror, found out what it was. This immediately made me VERY worried, but I didn't really talk about it to anyone. But eventually, I worked up the courage to talk about it to my parents, and they reassured me that wasn't the case.

Later on she got discharged, which made me happy. And not that much really happened.

Until about May or June, my nan had to go to the hospital for a while, I don't know exactly why she had to go, but it worried me. So one day, when I went to go see her, she wasn't acting right. Now, she had dementia for about 5 years at this point, so my parents told me before I went in, that my nan was confused, she thought I was in an accident. So I thought "ok, well it'll make her happy when she sees me", but.. She was still insistent. She also really wasn't acting right. She was denying a LOT of stuff, going like "no! no.." while turning the other way and blocking her view of my mum.

This, and the fact she STILL thought I was in an accident really made me uncomfortable and overwhelmed. And my brother and my mum noticed, because I was pinching my clothes in order to try feel better. So my mum took me and my brother out to have some time to calm down.

The racing thoughts of "oh my GOSH! The life being sucked out of her! She's gonna forget me!!" were still there, but I tried to remain calm. Eventually, after getting something to eat, we came back in, and I don't really remember what happened here, so we'll skip past this.

She got discharged. "Hooray!" I thought, oblivious to what was going to happen next. She fell ill with pneumonia, so my mum had to stay with her most of the time. I really felt the loneliness without her, so this was a really difficult time for me.

But.. On the evening of 7th of July, 2025. She passed away. The pneumonia got too bad, so she died.

This BROKE me. I've never felt this numb in my life. I've NEVER cried this much before. I kept crying for a week straight. I kept breaking down, hitting myself and having racing thoughts. I felt like I was backed into a corner, with grief clouding my head. All I could do was wonder if I could've done something, ANYTHING to save her.

I had a day at home to process it, but, of course, I had to continue living my life.

It was really difficult going back to my routine. I could barely handle anything anymore. I don't feel like that was nearly enough time to process it, but my parents thought it would be a good distraction from the pain, but really, it just coincided with the pain.

I've never felt this lost in my life. Just talking about this gets me choked up.

[latent summit]

its been a month.. why am i still not okay?

i mean- i haven't been crying as much as i was before, but these breakdowns.. why are they happening now? why have i not had them before?

to be clear, its not that i can never feel okay, its just that i need to rediscover myself somehow and get to terms with the new emotions i've discovered. i've gotten better but i still need to do some things before im fully okay

i genuinely need an answer for why i've been breaking down suddenly though. i really want to understand myself more

[latent summit]

the funeral is soon and im really nervous, especially with all these breakdowns i've been having, its like guarranteed ill have one after we're home

i'm way too nervous and it just sits in the back of my mind, i have no idea what to do

[fair venture]

Hi there! sorry to hear you're going through a hard time, and that you lost your nan 🥹 What you wrote reminded me of myself some years ago when I had a very bad breakdown...many hugs for you! I hope you know you are not alone, losing someone we love it's really hard :c be patient with yourself it's a good sign that you have not been crying as much, as time passes the breakdowns will be shorter and shorter

[latent summit]

thank you for those kind words, I’m hoping after her funeral I’ll be able to heal properly

[latent summit]

Got through the funeral! Though I did freeze up a few times from the build up of emotions I’m really proud of myself for getting through it

[latent summit]

im starting to wonder what the point of life is
i just dont feel like i have anything to live for, i thought after the funeral i'll heal but instead im left with the most painful heartache i've felt

it feels like i have no purpose except to be in a state of limbo, nothing happening, no reason to keep up this act

im lost, i feel empty now. it feels like my life has come to a halt despite it being over a month since it happened

i dont know why i feel like this, i havent felt this pain in years

i want to keep going because of my family, but at the same time it feels like theres no reason to keep up

im being torn in so many directions and i dont know which to follow anymore

and just so you know, you dont need to reply to this part, i know this isnt the place to get help with this type of issue, i just feel the need to vent it somewhere

[latent summit]

i talk to my mum about this! it was sooo nerve racking but she was really supportive. we're gonna go to the doctors sometime to discuss possible reasons for why i feel like this but im super relieved :D i feel a lot lighter now

[latent summit]

I’m at probably one of the lowest points in my life, I can’t muster the energy to be truly happy, I’ve pretended to be happy for years even when I’m going through hell. I feel pathetic, I put myself in this situation because I’ve always been so hidden about my feelings. I feel so guilty for never speaking up about probably one of the hardest experiences in my life

In 2022 I had a point where, after a friend tried to split me and another friend apart, I fell into a deep depression, I was falling apart, and eventually REALLY wanted out.

I eventually spoke about wanting out (while still lying, I said that my parents knew, meanwhile I actively hid how low I was).

I’m just exhausted mentally, losing my nan, becoming a fake version of myself, and feeling so guilty for never speaking up about how I felt has just left me numb, and so exhausted.

I can’t get the energy to keep going anymore

[woven pike]

Yeah, I know what that’s like. Friends are often unaware of the power to destroy that the hold until it’s too late

[latent summit]

Yea, problem now is that my dad is more focused on how the masking hurt him (which I understand, it made him feel like he doesn’t know me), but his attitude towards trying to “help” me did not help.

He was basically like “I want you to help yourself before the counselling”, which left me so confused, also makes me wonder if he’s part of the reason I masked in the first place

The whole friend situation was a few years ago but he was still focused on hammering it into me that they’re not my friend if another friend could attempt to cut us apart

I had to say “we’re good friends” to make him move on. He seems more on the side to assume more about the situation than asking me to explain further

Even a “you’re not telling me enough about [blank]” would be fine.

He also was focused on why I was crying, despite the fact you don’t always have a reason for crying

[woven pike]

People like to try and make your problems seem simple so that they seem easier to solve

My friend’s dad tried to get me to tell him why I’ve been like this. I decided to keep it vague and say issues with friends. He said something like so what it doesn’t matter

Problem is it does. While I’ve done plenty of stuff for myself, a huge part of who I was is my friends. I lose that and I lose myself

And I’m of the opinion that the problem now runs deeper than that. You could give me the world and I still wouldn’t want to be in it. I’ve completely disassociated from reality itself, like I’m in a trance or something. You don’t just fix that

[latent summit]

100% agree, I am gonna try to “help myself” but the last thing I want to do is go back to dealing with things alone. I eventually want to give others advice on healing in some way so people don’t go through whats happening to me.

I have a gap in my memory from childhood, but I remember believing that my dad would invalidate me for crying (likely true but I can’t assume), that’s likely what got me to be like this.

I’m still gonna get help from my mum (she’s better at helping me) and do some counselling. I feel like I’m healing but I know I have some things I still need to work on.

I feel lighter now that I know I’m getting help but still kind of incomplete.

I feel the same way with losing what you do for yourself, I used to be a lot more confident, and was able to feel comfortable being me, but over time as I got worse and worse, I just lost that part of myself, and thus, the drive to care for myself.

A problem with me is that I often will tunnel vision on the problem I’m facing, which makes me feel hopeless. Though even when I’m doing something I sometimes still just randomly get the hopelessness.

[latent summit]

i feel like i mustve been in denial or unaware of my pre-existing trust issues. i feel so confused.

my mum mentioned there having not been things like this where he grew up. but why is he not aware of it now? things related to mental health have developed in the past few decades

i just feel stuck. i REALLY want to trust him because he's my dad and i dont want him to feel like he failed me, but look at the damage that's happened to me.

i sometimes question myself and whether he helped make me who i am, because if so that changes this whole situation.

i dont want to resent him, but if things dont get resolved i will.

[woven pike]

Your parents can’t protect you always. I’d only blame them if they directly did something to cause you harm

I blame my dad for abusing me as a child, but I pretty much recovered from that. I blame my mother for turning my home into a place I hate and I’m still not over that