Manahil's journal!! | Huddle | Page 1

grizzled swift Jul 22, 2025, 5:10 PM

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i decided to try this out!! I'll just be writing out moments I find significant, random stuff, and about myself lol.

(There might be swearing and some random mentions of trauma so I apologize if that's concerning.)

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yesterday, I was just cutting potatoes to cook fries for myself and I was sweating SO BAD and suddenly I felt like throwing up like extremely.. so like I just drop the knife and go back to my room taking deep breaths. My mom laughs at me but then she just goes and cooks it for me 😭

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today was fine, it was just the same as everyday. my life is REALLY boring.

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lowk tho I don't even feel hungry anymore like I just eat because food tastes good yk?

I GOT MY WONDERFUL COUSINS DISCORD TODAY!! and we played Roblox on vc and it was so fun omgmgmg she's the only one who understands me in my whole entire family.

grizzled swift Jul 23, 2025, 8:39 AM

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uh I woke up today pretty miserable because my eyes were GLUED SHUT. and it was the same as always I just had a smoothie for breakfast since I wasn't that hungry

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I'm EXTREMELY bored like idk what to do right now. I'll probably just spend time on games, socials and stuff. ( I really need to get a life )

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ok I should really learn to cook because the food people are cooking is crazy?!?! like omg I decided to read some other journals on here and the food they made was delicious 😭

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I lowk decided to try out art again after being made fun of it (it really killed my passion for art 😭) uh but like news flash!! I still suck at it omg. (Yes I've watched multiple tutorials and a Udemy course)

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OKAY UHH DONT MIND ME USING "😭" EMOJI OVER AND OVER AGAIN

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crazy how my love for art died SO suddenly after my classmates decided to make a fool out of me. LIKE I STILL REMEMBER BEING THAT ONE KID WHO WOULD DOODLE AROUND ALL DAY

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like even on my walls 😭

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okay I should really stop using the sob emoji.

grizzled swift Jul 23, 2025, 2:19 PM

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I played with a friend and I had a lot of fun

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I lowk feel lightheaded from playing too much rip

grizzled swift Jul 25, 2025, 1:38 PM

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I forgot to write yesterday my bad!!

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Yesterday was fine I guess..? I don't remember anything at all because of blocked memory!

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Uhh last night I slept so miserably

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||I literally couldn't stop daydreaming about the life I envy. Why did things turn out like this for me? Is it because I've lost my faith in religion? I literally cried so hard as I imagined myself, not even me actually a whole new version of ME. The "me" that has an emotionally mature mother who doesn't trauma dump on her daughter, a father who isn't distant and actually spends time with his family instead of work, a sister who keeps me company, a "me" who actually has hobbies and is beautiful. A "me" Who isn't useless and looks like a handful of shit. A "me" who actually has friends and better eating habits. I wish I could stop envying everyone so much but I can't, everything is wrong with my life and I hate it so much. Literally just take me out in my sleep already man.||

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uh my brother and mom fought alot today so I'm just kinda shaken and anxious from that 🤑

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lowk tho why am I forgetting to eat

grizzled swift Jul 25, 2025, 9:50 PM

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I hate sleeping, not because It wastes time but because I'm stuck with my thoughts at 4am and immediately start getting flashbacks.

grizzled swift Jul 26, 2025, 7:08 AM

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ALSO I LOVE THE PERSON WHO IS ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS DUMB JOURNAL THANK YOUU 😭💗

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ok anyways

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today uh this morning I suspected anemia. I researched it, I researched it SO DEEPLY to the point 3 hours just flew by. After alot of resistance, I decided to open up to my mom. Yk what she says? "Mothers know best, we've been doing this for decades!" ...she's putting me on random iron supplements WITHOUT A DOCTORS PRESCRIPTION. And I feel strange, I feel like I'm gonna get worse problems if I take the wrong meds. She's just reusing the same meds from my first and probably last doctor who only heard HALF of my problems because my parents were there ashaming me of my eating habits and I couldn't even tell the doctor anything.

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like oh my god why can't she just understand. you can't put me on random stuff without a blood test, NOT EVEN A DIAGNOSIS.

grizzled swift Jul 27, 2025, 5:27 PM

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ok uh I feel like I'm seriously sick to the core

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||I had a bad chest pain this morning 😭 like the type that makes you really sad and makes you unable to breath. Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I feel like it's the anemia. I can't function properly anymore, my limbs feel useless and out of energy. I feel like I'm getting my blood sucked by a leech. I really need a doctor or else god knows what is gonna happen to me.

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||why the fuck is my mom this ignorant. I don't think I've ever met someone this stubborn. I'm in serious need of medical help, she can't just solve this with food..||

grizzled swift Jul 30, 2025, 2:24 PM

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I MAY OR NOT MAY NOT HAVE FORGOTTEN TO WRITE YESTERDAY..

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I feel fine other than the fact im quite blurry and feel tired

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I feel guilty for pushing away one of my friends genuinely like

grizzled swift Aug 29, 2025, 3:19 PM

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haven't written in a whileee

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things are going downhill except for school

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I finally found a school environment where I'm HAPPY and SAFE and now I'm moving schools...

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seriously I'm not even surprised atp I've learned to stay disappointed

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anything I'm happy about just gets ruined in a matter of time so what's the point anymore

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I keep pushing away my cousin (she's the only who understands me lowk but my avoidant attachment wins over me as always)

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I finally called with my cousin after a month

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I didn't want to, I wanted to keep pushing her away because I felt embarrassed of being so VULNERABLE and venting so much to her (if that even makes sense)

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I vc'ed with her and her other online friend, it was really fun except for the fact I couldn't talk much due to my strict family rules sob

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I would really love to include myself with them, but I feel that my family's restrictions will make that dream impossible.

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All I can do is daydream of genuine connection. Words cannot describe how BADLY I long for a friend that actually has the same interests or views as me.

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Everyday I wake up miserable but it's worth it because school is finally better. I'm always nauseous, tired everywhere

#Manahil's journal!!