I do not know if the problem lies within my family or in me. My home is toxic. I suffer from emotional abuse almost everyday. School was an escape from home and the second I stepped home, I didn't feel okay. The Pandemic was hell on earth for me. I was stuck with them for more than a year. I have large chunks of memory missing from that time. I remember crying a lot everyday. Crying while I slept, crying while I ate and even when I showered. At this point in my life, I hate them. It's taking a toll on me. Last year, after an incident, I lost it. I heated up a metal knife till it was red hot and branded myself on my wrist. I felt nothing when I did it. It is deeply scarred now. I did that to have a reminder to not see them as "family". I denounced my family that day. I read a quote that says "don't eat with the people you won't starve with" and I took that to heart. I never ate with my family much this last year. I am now stuck in a hellhole. I just graduated high school and I want to move out. I cannot find any work. Every job I find is below minimal wage and about 50+ work hours a week and 1.5-2 hours of commute a day. If i work a job, I cannot exercise (exercise is the only thing that keeps me sane now) but if i don't work a job, I cannot get funds to move towards freedom. Today was especially tough. It was my birthday today. Sorry if I sound attention seeking. Not a single soul said happy birthday. I feel lonely. It makes me wonder. Why keep going? Will anyone even notice if i was gone?. I have tried offing myself before. I didn't succeed because my arms didn't have the power to cut my wrists with the dull blade I had. Thoughts of soocide is creeping up in my head. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I even have a future ahead.
#Aristotle's venting
silver garden
I genuinely feel so fucking lonely. Just dm me if you wanna talk or if you have any idea how I can scrape together enough to get out. It sounds pathetic. But, I wanna die.
ember crypt
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to want out. Start small, if you can, try to find any job even short shifts or online gigs and secretly save whatever you can. Hide the money in a safe spot or use a secure online wallet/bank if possible. Every bit adds up. You cant escape all at once just focus on building your way out of that hellhole slowly. You deserve a better life, and I really believe you can get there.🫶🫶
If U have anyone close that's okay with it U can aks them to move in with them maybe? Like family or friends
silver garden
I just gotta say, you are a really great human being. I read other people's vents and I noticed you try your best to make people feel better. I also read your vent. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I feel a bit better than yesterday. I hung out with a friend for a bit today. Although I do have a friend that might be willing to let me move in with them, I probably wouldn't. Id feel like a disturbance and a burden to them and even if I did, I have no other way of going to college without my parents' financial support. So I am stuck here until i get a degree and then a job. I've saved up money and stashed them at various places in my room. It's not much but it's better than nothing. I will claw my way out of here. I know I will do it. I just need to bear it for a few more years. Thank you for being a great human being.
silver garden
I really need to fix my sleep schedule and just go to sleep at bedtime. I hate myself for sleeping late at night and sleeping in every morning. The only thing I do well every day is exercise. I hate myself for not doing anything productive.