#Boden’s Main Journal

1 messages · Page 2 of 1

cobalt drum
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Fuck

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I can’t breathe

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Fuck

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My ribs and heart gurt so bed

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I can’t think

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Fuck

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Fuck

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I can’t think

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Im hyperventilating

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Holy fuck

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I’m actually having a panic attack

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Not even an anxiety attack

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Or maybe it is

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Idfk

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Fuck fuck

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Fuck

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I can’t breathe

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Idk what to do

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Fuck

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Fuck

#

Fuck

quasi granite
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whats wrong?

wintry widget
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@cobalt drum

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You ok?

cobalt drum
quasi granite
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im here for you

cobalt drum
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Hm

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I feel off

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Yep

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Depression

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Thoughts of suicide

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I kinda feel like pushing everyone away from me

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And just ending it all

merry star
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Do you need someone to talk to rn?

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Remember you have friends

cobalt drum
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Not rly

merry star
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There's people who can help you

cobalt drum
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I don’t know what to talk abt

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Like

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Idk what is making me feel this way rn

merry star
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It doesn't have to be anything

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Sometimes we just feel bad

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But there's things you can do

cobalt drum
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Hm

merry star
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Like, you can write

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Cook

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Draw something

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Listen to music

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Meditation

cobalt drum
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Yeah

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I’m listening to music rn

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And kinda just

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Like

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Chilling

merry star
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Try to meditate bro

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It helps

cobalt drum
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Yeah

merry star
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Hey

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If you feel bad be sure to message anyone

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If you're having dangerous thoughts

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There's people for you

cobalt drum
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I’m a failure

signal jungle
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dont fam

cobalt drum
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I just want a fucking hug man

merry star
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No not really

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I don't like hugs

cobalt drum
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I think emi just saved my life

merry star
cobalt drum
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I almost did something very stupid

merry star
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I'm glad someone made you feel better then

cobalt drum
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How are you man?

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Also I fucking live your pfp

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Love*

merry star
cobalt drum
signal jungle
signal jungle
cobalt drum
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:/

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Fuck

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I feel like total shit man.

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I might end up doing some bad shit

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Like

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Really bad shit

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All my friends are sad

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I’m gonna do something stupid

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I’m sorry

cobalt drum
#

Me staring at the oxycodone pills in my hand

cobalt drum
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Nvm

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I need a hug man

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God

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I should just stay away from everyone

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All I do is make people stress

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And uncomfortable

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And angry

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And annoyed

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I’m just a shit human being

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I should fuvking die

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I deserve to

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I don’t deserve anything nice happening to me

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Anything good

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Or it will all just turn into a shitty situation

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And end up making someone else sad, angry, annoyed, etc

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I really do deserve death

cobalt drum
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I just feel so shit rn

cobalt drum
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I feel so alone

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And isolated

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Like nobody cares abt me

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Or my opinion

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That I’m invisable

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Ig that’s all I am

cobalt drum
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Y’all would move on

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I’m already invisible here

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What would it matter if I was gone completely

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The world will keep spinning

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Everyone will move on with their life

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Yeah

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My chest just feel

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Heavy

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All I feel is heavy

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I’m sorry

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But

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I know life will move on without me

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But yeah

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Sorry

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I’m sorry

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You will eventually move on

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Everyone will

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I just

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Wanna cry in someone’s arms

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And be told it will be okay

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And not be judged

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But

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Sadly that won’t happen

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So

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Technology will advance

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The world will keep spinning

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And new cities and nations will develop

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Sorry again

cobalt drum
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Maybe I’m just overreacting

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I’m just a bitch

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I’ll suck it up

signal jungle
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dont man

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it isn't better than a real hug but seriously, you dont need to handle it alone, talk to someone

cobalt drum
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I’m trying man…

signal jungle
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bottling it up just makes it worse

cobalt drum
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It’s so hard

signal jungle
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the first step is meant to be hard, pain is just progression

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i know talking to someone doesnt just make your problems disappear, but it could make you feel seen

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so do that

cobalt drum
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Mk

signal jungle
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rest is up to you, hope you turn this into just a bad memory huddleheartshape

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

sigh

cobalt drum
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Someone just told me that I make them want to kill themself

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They said it again

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They told me to leave and never come back

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And that nobody loves me

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He also called me autistic

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And they hate me

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That person seriously sucks

quasi granite
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i hope you blocked whoever said that bc wtf

cobalt drum
quasi granite
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geez they really had the guts to say that to your face? i hope you never have to deal with that person again

cobalt drum
quasi granite
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girl who is this

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i wanna have a chat with them

cobalt drum
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I’ve never told you but

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I’ll dm you because I don’t like talking abt it that much

quasi granite
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okay

cobalt drum
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I wanna throw up

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I’m actually sad now

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And it’s only getting worse

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I wanna die

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I wanna throw up so badlye

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I just keep getting told I’m useless

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And not awesome

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And not cool

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And lame

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I ain’t got nobody to talk to right now man

cobalt drum
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I’m a bad person

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And a bad role model

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Nobody should look up to me

cobalt drum
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I wanna take my life

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Tonight

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But I’m not gonna

cobalt drum
bitter bone
cobalt drum
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I genuinely despise myself

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I feel like such a fucking terrible person

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Every hood thing I do is passing

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I’m probably just fronting most of the time

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I feel like I just

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Can’t be myself

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I gotta be this person

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Who is good

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And I try ig

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But

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Deep down

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Im not a good person

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I’m terrible

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And have no worth on this planet

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It’s hard to get out of bed when I know that I’m worth nothing and that literally nobody would miss me

merry star
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Why do you feel like you're a bad person

cobalt drum
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It hurts when people try to help me because they are just wasting their time because i genuinely am worthless

cobalt drum
merry star
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Why do you feel like that

cobalt drum
merry star
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But have you done something like that recently, or is it something from the past?

cobalt drum
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Like a month ago or two

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But also a lot before that

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But some in the past week

merry star
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What have you done that you think is so bad

cobalt drum
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I hustle on the side for money

merry star
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Wdym

cobalt drum
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I sell things sometimes

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Like

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Illegal things

merry star
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Like drugs?

cobalt drum
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I also hurt people

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
merry star
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As long as you don't do it anymore you shouldn't feel bad about it

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What happened happened

cobalt drum
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I genuinely talk massive shit abt ppl when I don’t like them

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To their face

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And sometimes I throw punches

merry star
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Has this happened recently

cobalt drum
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Yes

merry star
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Do you apologize to people when you do that

cobalt drum
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No

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If they seen me again I’d get jumped

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Or I’d fuck them up again

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I don’t let shit go very easy

merry star
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Are you going to do it again?

cobalt drum
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Probably

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I say I won’t

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But I probably will

merry star
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Then that's the problem

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Stop doing it

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Go to a therapist or something

cobalt drum
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I am

merry star
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Have you told them about this?

cobalt drum
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Mhm

merry star
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And how are you working on it

cobalt drum
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They just tell me to think before I do

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Or take a break

merry star
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And do you do that

cobalt drum
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I try

merry star
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If it doesn't work you need to tell your therapist about it

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And that applies for everything else

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If what they tell you to do doesn't work, tell them

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Or if what they tell you to do it's too hard tell them that too

cobalt drum
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Look mom

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Where did your baby’s smile go

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Trying to stay positive and smile for that one person in my life

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Who I want to be happy for

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And I want them to be happy

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And safe

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And feel loved

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Because they deserve it

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And I try

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To give that to them

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But sometimes I feel that

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I’m just

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No good enough

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I hoping that

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This isn’t some passing

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I hope it lasts

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And

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I hope I can provide what they need from me

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Because that’s all I want

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Is for them to feel satisfied

cobalt drum
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I wish

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That

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I wasn’t like

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Born

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I feel that

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More better shit would have happened

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My leg hurts

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My eyes hurt

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I’m tired but can’t sleep

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It’s storming really hard

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I’m a little scared

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I’ve heard these types can rip down trees

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And its lightning

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And I can see the trees from the light

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And the trees are like

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Bending

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And my lip hurts cus I got like

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A cold sore

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Or cut

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On the corner of my mouth

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I also cut my thumb at work when I was picking up these metal pitchers from the bottom and the twisted and cut my thumb

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Everything hurts man

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😞😞

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At the end the rain pounded on the sun roof above me really loud

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I’m hearing thunder now too

cobalt drum
#

I could just

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Kill myself tonight

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And like

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Without telling anybody

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And nobody would suspect a thing

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They would probably just think I’m busy

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What did I do to deserve being ghosted by you

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I did nothing

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I’ve seen you change your profile

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I know you have been online

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I know you have seen my texts

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I’m just worried that you are not okay

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And you are ghosting me

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It’s fucked up

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You wont even acknowledge that I fucking care about you as a friend man

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We have been for eachother through so much…

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You used to be my best friend man

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Now you are the reason I’m on the verge of tears every night

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Just thinking about what I might have done to make you do this to me

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Am I just not enough?

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Did I not put enough work in?

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Am I just not worth it?

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What did I do man

cobalt drum
#

The only thing keeping me alive just left me

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I no longer have shit once again

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She was the best thing to ever happen to me

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And now she is gone

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Pushed me away

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I still love her and miss her with all my heart

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I hope she is okay and will soon get back online

cobalt drum
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I'm here now ig

cobalt drum
#

School made my mental health worse and I will be going back soon…

cobalt drum
#

Why you had to take her away from me god

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The first person to give me unconditional love

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I’ll never be able to shake her from my mind

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The painful reminder that I won’t wake up to see a text from her anymore

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That I won’t be able to talk to her when I can’t sleep

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I miss her so much man

quasi granite
#

did she give you a reason?

cobalt drum
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She said

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She can’t stay on discord anymore

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So

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Yeah

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Shes deleted discord

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Idk if I’ll ever be able to talk to her again :/

quasi granite
#

im sorry boden

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

Fuck man…

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I can’t not think about her man

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She was the best thing to happen to me

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I shoulda known

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Nothing good happens to me

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And if something good does happen?

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It’s short lived

cobalt drum
#

Life doesn’t feel real without her sadness

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I said “I’ll be okay”

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But I lied

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I didn’t want to force her to stay

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I wanted her to be happy and well

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And I hope she is

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Even if that means I’m empty 🥲

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Life felt not real without her

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She made life feel real again

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And now

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My world is crumbling without her in it

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I’m on the verge of tears writing this but for some fucking reason I can’t cry

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My dumbass lost that ability

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And now I’m just a stupid dumbass bitch who is almost crying over the only girl I’ve ever loved

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Why must god spite me like this

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I have done wrong in my life

#

But

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Why do I deserve this

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Today has been terrible

#

I want to just die

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I can’t bear to even look into her journal man

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It brings me to a verge of fuckin tears

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I just wish things weren’t so complicated

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I’m

#

I need a hug man

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I’m gonna ask just a stranger for a hug

#

Idc

tidal granite
cobalt drum
#

You know it was true love when her leaving is what makes me break down for the first time in 3 years

#

That’s the first time I broke down in 3 years

quasi granite
cobalt drum
#

It all reminds me of her…

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Work is gonna be hard……

cobalt drum
#

My shoulder hurts…

#

My hurt shoulder…

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I think I worked it to hard while working

cobalt drum
#

The morning after would be beautiful

cobalt drum
#

I was talking about the morning after I ended my life

#

I’m gonna assume you guys didn’t know

cobalt drum
#

Just talked to the doctor and he said I’ll have to wait until next month to get surgery

#

FML dude

#

My shoulder is hardly holding together and it’s just getting worse

#

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuuuuuck

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

Fu k

#

Fuck

#

Fuck

#

They said they would have to give me pain meds

#

Like percocet

#

Or oxycodone

#

Fuck

#

Fuck

#

Fuck

#

Im scared

#

I used to abuse those

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And im afraid that i might get hooked again

cobalt drum
#

Im scared…

cobalt drum
#

…

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Literally nobody has seen this

#

Maybe idk

#

Thanks logan..

#

Thanks emi..

errant hearth
#

Ill be here every second man

#

I always see you

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
cobalt drum
errant hearth
cobalt drum
#

I was just

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Such a horrible person

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When i was addicted to pills

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And

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Im scared to become that same person

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Because

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I would lose emi

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And all of you guys here

#

No matter what I'll never leave

errant hearth
#

You won't become that person Bo
We'll be here for you and help that from happening. I ain't going anywhere anytime soon

cobalt drum
#

Man that sounds cringy as fuck

errant hearth
#

We don't have to know to know we won't leave man

cobalt drum
errant hearth
cobalt drum
#

Thanks

#

Both of you guys

#

This year has been hard emotionally, mentally, and physically for me

cobalt drum
errant hearth
#

Same here

#

I'll always be your friend man

cobalt drum
errant hearth
cobalt drum
tidal granite
cobalt drum
#

Im

#

I

#

Im having a panic attack at work

#

My whole fqce us tingling

#

Im hyperventilating

#

Im getting lightheaded

#

I

#

Cant breathe

#

I dont know how to tell anyone

#

Im juts

#

Mya hand nate ahaking

#

Nd

#

J feel ilike my skin is just tightened

signal jungle
#

do you have water rn?

cobalt drum
#

Maybe

#

Ifk

signal jungle
#

ask for a break if you can

cobalt drum
#

Ive tried

#

Ive also almost died 4 times walking up and down the stairs

#

My legs are shaking

signal jungle
#

you need to stop walking

#

stand still and slowly sit down

#

dont do it too fast

cobalt drum
#

Easily one of the worst work days ive ever had

#

Who tf ever said “how is working in a kitchen stressful”

cobalt drum
#

Was going through my old photos and found my old note..

image.jpg
#

Sorry if my handwriting is bad..

#

I'm sorry you had to write that huddlehug2

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

||i dont rly appreciate being called a gay femboy furry by multiple ppl even if it is a joke, i dont like it. I have a girlfriend that they know abt and they didnt even use a /j at the end. Even after telling them all multiple times that im not a furry, femboy, or gay. I just don’t appreciate it||

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Idk why i covered it

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

Ts not even funny

#

Like

#

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHWH

#

You are not fuckin funny 🥀✌️

#

Just disrespectful

#

Like

#

Im so dead rn bro

#

Got the whole crew laughing up a storm

quasi granite
#

i’m so sorry boden that’s not cool

cobalt drum
#

Kinda feel like crying now

#

Cus it reminded me of the time a bunch of my old “friends” surrounded me while i was greening out and just screamed nightmare

#

Cus like

tidal granite
cobalt drum
#

Even if it was a joke

#

Ts is not funny

#

Like

#

Please get better humor

cobalt drum
#

You hardly did anything

#

I'm sorry ab that boden

#

Don't listen to them

#

I dont need to not listen to them

#

I know damn well im not a femboy gay furry

#

Like

#

Wtf

#

You guys are not funny

#

Terrible fuckin joke

#

I'm sorry

#

Thanks

#

It just pmo

cobalt drum
#

I think I genuinely need to be put in a hospital for my own safety

#

But i dont want to

#

I'm sorry about that boden, I'm always here if you need me

#

Thank you

cobalt drum
#

Sigh

#

Today has been shit

#

One day bro

#

Ill actually be able to get a bag

#

And maybe ill be happy

#

But also

#

Maybe i could just like

#

Ajaudneidnaksixms

#

Kwisjdjxidk

cobalt drum
#

The fam is fighting

#

My brother is such a bitch

#

Genuinely the most horrid human ive ever laid eyes upon

#

Cant wait to move out

#

Im gonna break ties with that fuckass bitch

#

He thinks hes so smart but is so lazy

#

All he does is play games all day

#

And then has the fuckin audacity to call me fat and ugly 😭

#

Like bro

#

Cmon now

#

All you do is stay inside and stare at a screen

#

You are such a bum bro 🥀

#

You are like 5’4”

#

Cmon now

#

And you weigh as much as me

#

Im 5’11”

#

And weigh 150 lbs just abt

#

YOU ARE NOT EVEN 5’5” AND WEIGH ALMOST MORE THAN ME

#

YOU WEIGH THE EXACT SAME AS ME CRO 😭😭✌️

cobalt drum
#

Hes such a manipulative bastard

#

I gotta go..

merry star
cobalt drum
#

Currently staring at my pills

#

Little white tablets

#

Like little mints

errant hearth
#

Laydown

cobalt drum
#

Yeah i think thats for the best

#

Im gonna just go downstairs into my room

#

Maybe hop on the game

#

The lexapro is hard to die from anyway

errant hearth
#

Good. Take your mind off it alright

cobalt drum
#

God i feel like throwing up

cobalt drum
#

I dont know how to think anymore

#

My whole world is crumbling

#

I just

#

I cant

#

Im sorry

#

I cant

#

Ill maybe be back in the morning

cobalt drum
#

I got rly drunk

#

I hate everything

#

I hate it all

#

I cant do shit right in life

#

I cant keep people happy

#

I cant do anything

#

Anything at all

#

I cant even love right

cobalt drum
#

You really do

cobalt drum
#

Man

#

You didnt see the 10 year old get handed a bag of weed before he even knew what a real choice was

#

You didnt see that kid struggle

#

You didnt see that kid stumbling upon someone who sold him weed and eventually percs and oxycodone

#

You didnt see the kid overdose multiple times

#

You didnt see the kid get off them alone

#

You didnt see the kid get hooked on cough syrup

#

And now you call me an addict?

#

And look down upon me?

#

You weren’t there to see it start

#

So you will never understand

cobalt drum
#

Not a lot of ppl understand addicts

#

Like

#

They look at like

#

Crack addicts on the street

#

And think

#

“Ew what a faliure”

#

“I wonder how their parents feel”

#

Turns out

#

That dude started smoking weed he didnt know was laced after his parents died

#

Thus dragging him to crack

#

Welcome to the mind of an addict

#

I see addicts as people

#

Not disappointments

lilac saffron
#

R we allowed to comment on these journals

#

Cuz I hv smth to say Abt cravings

cobalt drum
lilac saffron
# cobalt drum Yeah

Yo bro r u doing anything with ur opi cravings I find I gotta do different therapies and stuff for mine to go away

#

Like the stringer the craving the more I hv to do Abt it

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Cuz they're really annoying

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

I had a rly bad dream last night :/

cobalt drum
#

I almost relapsed on opiods today..

#

One of my co workers has a sling on his shoulder

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And needs pain pills

#

Like hardcore

#

And hes god oxycodone

#

And i found the bottle

#

And i almost took them

#

Almost

#

Hm

#

Sad

#

Seems that even your friends can hate you

#

Oh well

quasi granite
cobalt drum
quasi granite
#

good

cobalt drum
#

How are you?

quasi granite
#

dw ab me

#

im worried ab you

cobalt drum
#

Oop

#

Uhhh

#

Okay

#

I was wondering if u are okay tho

#

I was just tryna check in yk

quasi granite
#

can i dm you

cobalt drum
#

Yes ofc

cobalt drum
#

I lowk though abt ending my life tonight lol

#

Maybe 3 hours ago

#

I'm sorry that happened boden..

#

But I would be devastated if something happened to you

cobalt drum
#

Flashback to when i was accused of SA a girl this year 😆

#

Idk if yall truly understand how that can ruin a mans reputation

#

I almost got fucking arrested and put on a list

#

That almost ruined my fucking life

#

But the only “witness” was her brother

#

Who isnt a viable witness

#

So fun being a man in today society 👍

#

(Im joking i rly wanna kms)

jolly umbra
#

I’ve listened to some stories of people who’ve suffered through that, I’m sure it was rough for you

cobalt drum
#

You do not even know man…

#

Terrible

#

Pray it dont happen to you

#

Top ten worst fucking moments in a mans life

jolly umbra
#

Yeah, I don’t exactly

cobalt drum
#

Graaah my head is spinning

#

I feel like shit

#

🤢

cobalt drum
#

I genuinely don't get why girls do this. It's so fucked up

#

I'm sorry about that Bo

jolly umbra
cobalt drum
#

Im pretty sure ppl here hate me

#

90% sure

#

Most ppl here dont like me

#

That's not true, they could js be joking around

#

I'm sorry you feel like that

cobalt drum
#

Mu stomach hurts so bad

#

Its hard to stay focused on anything

#

Honestly

#

I might just

#

Dip

#

Get away from everything

#

Maybe die

#

I dont know

#

If one day y’all just wake up and my account is inactive dont be surprised or nun

cobalt drum
#

Looks like im listening to this album again :/

#

Been a while

#

Sorry

cobalt drum
#

Its almost over

#

Sorry

jolly umbra
cobalt drum
#

And just portay dislike towards me

jolly umbra
#

The world would be a much nicer place if people didn’t treat each other like shit

cobalt drum
#

Mhm

jolly umbra
#

I wouldn’t be like this if people didn’t

#

😪

cobalt drum
#

Wouldnt we all twin

#

Preach

#

😞

cobalt drum
#

My fuckass brother poured water on me when i was just chilling in my bed

#

:3

#

So guess what i did while he was on his computer

#

I poured water on him

#

Now hes crying and being a bitch

#

¯_(ツ)_/¯

jolly umbra
cobalt drum
#

He’s snitching on me to our dad probably

#

But ill just tell him my side of the story

#

Bc my brother never tells my side

jolly umbra
#

Think of it as a good lesson to teach the kid, “do unto others what you would want done unto you”

cobalt drum
#

Mhm

#

Water got on his moniter, headphones, and keyboard

#

And now hes refusing to clean it up

#

I mean

#

See how much i give a shit lol

jolly umbra
#

Okay maybe it’s not worth destroying his laptop

cobalt drum
#

Then he tried hitting me with a stuck

#

Stick

jolly umbra
#

Have him shut it off asap

cobalt drum
#

I ripped it outta his hands and he literaly curled up into a ball and started screaming and crying

cobalt drum
jolly umbra
#

See if the laptop can still be saved

jolly umbra
cobalt drum
#

Nah fuck him

#

Fuck my whole family

#

Im killing myself

#

Nah

#

Literaly walking to the bridge rn

#

Do not try to contact me

jolly umbra
#

@cobalt drum Hey not to give you one more thing to worry about maybe but this doesn’t sound good

#

Tell me when you read this

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

He won't respond

#

Oh fuck

cobalt drum
#

It's been an hour

#

I'm scared

#

I'm so scared

quasi granite
#

boden your living situation is temporary, not permanent. i know it sucks, but please try to get thru the next couple of years. one day, you won’t have to deal with your brother anymore. you even can go no contact with him if you want. but i suggest you call or text 988. they can help you.

cobalt drum
#

He won't respond

quasi granite
#

i hope he does soon

#

i don’t know whether or not i should call the police

cobalt drum
#

I don't know

#

I really don't know

quasi granite
#

i’m worried

cobalt drum
#

So am I

#

He can't just leave me Mads he can't

quasi granite
#

do you think i should?

#

call the police?

cobalt drum
#

I don't know

#

I just want him to be okay

#

I want him to be here..

jolly umbra
#

Maybe just put out a missing person’s report if you don’t want to tell them everything

quasi granite
#

usually the parents do that

jolly umbra
#

You know where this guy lives to call police?

quasi granite
#

i don’t know much ab boden

#

i know what city hes in

jolly umbra
#

Well I hope y’all are able to get him home safe

quasi granite
#

i just don’t know if i should call the police

#

i mean i’m worried ab boden but i don’t want him to hate me

jolly umbra
#

Well his reason for being suicidal is circumstantial as you stated earlier. I think deep down he knows he will regret doing this but he’s not thinking clearly right now

#

The longer he’s unresponsive the worse it could be so.. maybe I’d consider doing it

quasi granite
#

if he doesn’t respond when i get home i’m calling them

jolly umbra
#

Alright, solid plan

quasi granite
#

@cobalt drum

cobalt drum
#

One hour and a half.

#

It's been one hour and a half.

#

He's not responding

#

I'm going crazy

#

I'm actually going fucking crazy

quasi granite
#

it’s okay emi i’ll call them

cobalt drum
#

He can't be gone

#

He can't

#

He can't leave me

#

He can't do this to me

#

It's not fair

#

This is not fair

quasi granite
#

do you want me to call them ?

cobalt drum
#

I just want him to be back

#

Idc what you do

#

I just want my boden back

#

@quasi granite

#

He responded

quasi granite
#

thank god

#

i was seconds away from calling the police

#

@cobalt drum

#

literally seconds

cobalt drum
#

Hey

#

Yeah i domt live in chicago anymore

#

So it wouldn’t have worked

#

But thank you

#

For the concern

#

Im sorry to have scared y’all

quasi granite
#

oh okay

#

for future reference where do you live

cobalt drum
#

Very small town now

#

I prefer not to give it out for my own safety

quasi granite
#

i understand but if something like this happens again i wouldn’t be able to help

#

no one would

cobalt drum
#

Yeah im aware

#

Its just a very small town

#

If i said it people would be able to find my work

jolly umbra
#

Aww but what if I want to send pizzas to your work

cobalt drum
#

It would be greatly appreciated

#

My work is difficult

#

Very tiring

#

Pizza during work would be nice

quasi granite
#

what ab area code?

cobalt drum
#

Caffeinated pizza

cobalt drum
quasi granite
#

it’s fine if you don’t want to give it out but i would be rlly upset if i couldn’t do anything

cobalt drum
#

There are two

#

Technically

#

I just

#

Idk

#

How comfy i am with giving my location

quasi granite
#

i understand

cobalt drum
#

Its such a small town

#

Im sorry

jolly umbra
#

I wouldn’t share it with me or people you don’t know that well, but it’s good to have some people in your life to trust with that stuff

cobalt drum
#

Its not that i dont trust mads

quasi granite
#

next time you think about doing that please call 988

cobalt drum
#

She is one of my best friends

cobalt drum
quasi granite
#

also boden i wouldn’t show up to your work or your state tbf

cobalt drum
#

Yeah i know that

#

Its just the fact that there are ways that it could get out

jolly umbra
#

Makes you feel more exposed?

cobalt drum
#

Yeah ig

quasi granite
#

well i wouldn’t tell anyone it’s none of their business

#

but it’s okay

cobalt drum
#

Maybe some day

#

But like

#

Not rn

quasi granite
#

or tell your dad

cobalt drum
#

Cus if i was to give my area code to someone tbh it would be mads or emi

cobalt drum
#

He wasnt even here when this all happened

#

He only just came home

quasi granite
#

tell someone

cobalt drum
#

I dont rly wanna get put in a hospital..

#

Also i would have responded way sooner

#

But my discord stopped working

quasi granite
#

i understand but is it better than being home?

cobalt drum
#

Yeah

#

Maybe

#

Maybe its safer

#

If i have to then

#

Yeah

jolly umbra
#

Been getting recommended videos on psych wards lately given how I’m doing. Heard mixed experiences though mostly positive, but sounds like it’s getting better

cobalt drum
#

Ive just heard a lot of bad stories

#

Dont rly wanna go there

jolly umbra
#

I risk losing my job if I do

cobalt drum
#

Same

#

I work around a lot of dangerous things

jolly umbra
#

And there’s no guarantee it’ll fix me anyway

cobalt drum
#

I dont think they want a mentally unstable teenager working there

jolly umbra
#

In fact it likely wouldn’t

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

Just getting poked and prodded

#

Put on meds

jolly umbra
#

I do think the meds may possibly help me I guess

#

Cause not everything sucks

#

But my mind is too fucked to care

cobalt drum
#

Trying your hardest and still getting ignored <<<<<

#

terrible fuckin feeling

#

Honestly fuck you

#

You know who you are

#

To the rest of y’all

#

Goonight

quasi granite
#

normalize giving context 💔🥀

cobalt drum
#

Bruh

#

Wait

#

Im confused now

cobalt drum
#

People never miss them until its to late

#

You don’t appreciate what you have until its gone

cobalt drum
#

I just

#

I feel like sitting on the bathroom floor and crying my eyes out

#

Its just

#

So hard

#

To deal with all this shit

#

And try to keep everyone around me happy

#

It’s exhausting

#

And tiring

quasi granite
#

boden i think you should put yourself first. don’t worry about others. you need to help yourself first before you help anyone else.

cobalt drum
quasi granite
cobalt drum
quasi granite
#

you need to help yourself first and they need to understand that

cobalt drum
#

Shi

#

Im 1 week clean from smoking

#

Yay for me ig

quasi granite
#

congrats!!

#

🥳🥳

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

The fam arguing rn

#

Like bruh

#

My brother is such a bitch

#

Genuinely despise him

cobalt drum
#

The overbearing weight of knowing you’ll never be enough

cobalt drum
#

You will always be more than enough for me.

cobalt drum
#

I feel so off today

#

Like

#

Nvm i just feel terrible

#

Not even “off”

jolly umbra
#

Yeah I had a day like that this week, it was really bad

cobalt drum
#

Nah im just pissed now

cobalt drum
#

Mfs at my work were yapping on sum jet two holiday

#

And 6-7

#

“Nothing beats a je-“

#

How abt this fist through your face mf

#

Sybau

#

Please

cobalt drum
#

What a shitty fuckin day

cobalt drum
#

My fuckass washing machine

#

All my shirts smell unwashed

#

Fucking shit

cobalt drum
#

It'll all get better, I promise hugs

cobalt drum
#

I feel so helpless

#

Like

#

I just cant help anybody

#

Or make anything right

#

Maybe i should just

#

Disappear

#

No

#

Don't even think of that

plush fjord
quasi granite
cobalt drum
#

Man

#

I took a puff from a cigarette today at work

#

Outside

#

I picked it up and lit it

#

Took one hit

#

And then apparently i didnt light it well enough

#

So it only had one ember

#

So i just tossed it onto the grond

cobalt drum
#

If my dad doesnt want to be in my fucking life he should just tell me

#

He spends more time with his gf than with his own children

#

I basically live alone when im at his place

#

He leaves at 5 am and gets back at 5 pm

#

And when he does get home he doesnt even try to interact with me

#

And when he is away and i try getting a hold of him he NEVER picks up his FUCKING phone

#

I am starting to hate him

#

I wouldnt miss him if he decided to run away

#

Fucking deadbeat

#

When you're not at your dad's place, where do you go?

#

I ask because I want to know what kind of support you have. I know what it's like to want to change a person. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work. Are there any silver linings you can find in your relationship with him? If not, is there a different/healthier place where you can go?

#

Moms house

#

She actually is trying to be a present parent

#

Good. Cling to her for that.

cobalt drum
#

Man fuck ts

#

So fucking stupid man

#

Getting ignored is so fucking terrible

#

I feel dead

#

So tired

#

So empty

#

Filled with unexplainable emotion

cobalt drum
#

Idk how to feel anymore

#

Maybe i should just disappear

#

I'm sorry..

plush fjord
#

Don’t

cobalt drum
#

Looked in the mirror and realized that im fucking ugly

#

I have bags under my eyes

#

🧢

cobalt drum
#

I gotta deal with a fucking cornball and his fuckin goons in my Spanish class 🫩🫩🫩🫩

#

Eat his fridge 😁

quasi granite
#

cornball?

cobalt drum
#

Damn okay

#

Ig i cant even have struggles anymore

#

Ig its all fake

#

Because

#

“You are just a kid”

#

That pmo

#

So fucking much

cobalt drum
#

Just annoying bitchass

errant hearth
cobalt drum
#

Bc one of the two guys is in there rn

#

He can go fuck himself for all i give a shit

#

His dick is actually probably to small to even do that

#

Fucking cunt

#

Im just gonna go for a while

#

Dude im so close to just disappearing

#

Maybe not even dying

#

Just going

#

Honestly i might just do that

#

And just keep in touch with like two or three people