#airhead's journal

1 messages · Page 4 of 1

valid axle
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she's taking time to communicate and I'm willing to wait

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it's gonna be great.

valid axle
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neat

last crater
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BLUE CRAB

valid axle
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yes!!

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hopefully I'll be able to visit her tmr

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asked my mum and she said its okay for me to go today

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even tho my cousins birthday is tomorrow

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it's so fucking mentally draining

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plus I've been around him since like sunday

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I'm already rlly quiet

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around them atp

valid axle
last crater
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ITS A SHARK

valid axle
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blue lobsta

last crater
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blue octopus

valid axle
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would vent but I'm too whimsical rn

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so I will later

valid axle
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finally home

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todays been so

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exhausting

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dont have the energy to type that out

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my friends playin minecraft rn

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they wanted me to play when i get back

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but im not someone to rerach out

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im just waiitng for them to ask me to join rn

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cuz i said im finally home

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OH OH OHHHHHHH

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SING OTUKA SINGGGGGGG

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RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH SKIN IS THE BEST SHOEGAZE SONG EVERRRRR

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anyways

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yeah he messaged me bacxk like 3 fucking times i just wont be playing today ig

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i will still play minecdrfat tho

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to make more of them cool pictures

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AITTT

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I NEED TO SEE IF LUGIA IS IN THE GAME

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LUGIA IS SO COOL

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friggin love lugia

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they dont awh

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ok he asked

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yay

valid axle
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YIPPE

valid axle
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i was thinking it was too early to give her the necklace but i dont wanna let it sit in my room for a week

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  • something came up and it's put her in a really bad mood
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so it'll help a bit i think

valid axle
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yeah

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i'll give it to her

valid axle
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30 mins till im out the house

valid axle
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i'm home

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sorry it's been really long

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i got to her place at around 12:30-40

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we went out to a market at like 12:50

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came back at 1:10

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watched tv with her brother and her for maybee 20 minutes

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then went up to her room and stayed there till 6:30

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i love her sm though

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we were talking about when i asked her out and she said how she knew 3 weeks before

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and how she always checked my notes to see if i changed them

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because yk how i made a lot of notes abt her

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i didn't even know she noticed

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she was saying how i sounded really anxious in my paragraphs

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how i said like "i promise it wasnt all just a set up to be in a relationship" and how "its cool if you still just want to be friends"

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i gave her the little locket (i thought it was a necklace but nope)

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and i also really like her brother too

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he's in uni and really friendly

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she also opened out to hug me when i first got there and when i left

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im happy she didnt really hesitate because i do want physical touch in a relationship

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i'll write a poem about her again i think

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i was a lil excited

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it's going really well though i think i'm being more social around my family

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but just to think she's known abt it for so long

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and i was still worried that i could get rejected

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anyway i'm happy

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but also rlly tired

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went on like 4 trains total to get to her and back

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she's the first girl i've stepped into a relationship and pictured a future with though

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with the other uhh

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less real ones lets say

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was mostly just looking short term

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the relationships js didnt last because it wasnt going any further and i didnt want to live in long distance

valid axle
valid axle
last crater
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Happy for u tho twim

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Twom

valid axle
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was my autocorrect

last crater
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TWIN

valid axle
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yeah thats what i thought

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making fun for my spelling

last crater
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🙄

valid axle
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morning

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i forgot what else i was gonna say abt her

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her brother likes pokemon tho

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im trynna find out his favourite

valid axle
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"hallo"
"hi"
"what makes you think doing ai art makes you an 'artist'?"
"idk, what doesn't?" (already off to a bad start on his side)
"I like to think that it's not really art because it's the same as asking someone good at art to draw something for you. The only difference is AI does it quicker."
"well, i'm typing the prompts"

checkmate.

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this was a convo i had with an ai artist

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they're not all this stupid but

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holy fuck

valid axle
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huzzah 1000 minutes

image.png
valid axle
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i want to talk about something but idk what

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oh right

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she said how she can't sleep unless she has her night light on and while she's on her phone with music in the background

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its acc insane

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cause i sleep like a baby once i get into a pitch black room and a cozy bed with complete silence

valid axle
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i wish i was better at drawing but i dont think im gonna have time to practice

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and i dont wanna draw with a mouse

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plus

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if i got a graphic pad i dont think id be able to use it much

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cuz college

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dude i really try with m,y drawings but they're so bad WAH

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like if i ever showed my draft drawings to other people i would just kill them

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id love to learn to draw tho

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i always have like these pictures in my head

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of shit id want to draw

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one day i'll dedicate my time to drawing

last crater
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Rs, I used to draw sm and people really liked my drawings but I quit a few months ago

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I'm gonna try again let's hope I didn't forget

valid axle
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me when like 50 reactions

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holy shit

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Hello

valid axle
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i know some people are as low down as to just use a mouse and a paint app (i don't mean that in a bad way)

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but i would very much prefer a pen

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and i don't want to do pencil-paper drawing

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that was the 13 yr old me

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i keep playing this drawing game on roblox and everyone else does such a good job

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i try different pen thicknesses sometimes and change the style a bit even tho i don't have a proper style

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today was a long day though

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but i'm happy

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didn't get to talk to my girlfriend much because she has been just sleeping

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saving her energy for college bless

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cause its gonna be like hella stressful i think

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i gotta enroll still which i shall try thursday

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its rlly stressiin me out tho

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cuz what if the school says like "you should be responsible for the exam that we gave you becaue you need it to enroll" something like that

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and then not give me a copy of my exams

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then boo hoo i will just have to cry for a full week or some b_shrug

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def something my school would do tho

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(the one ive been at through my entire senior year not college)

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cuz i hated it so much idk why i stayed another year when i coulda gone to college

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probably because i didn't know what i wanted to do

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feel like writing another poem but idk what

valid axle
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speaking of poems

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genuinely tho if i dont get into this college im gonna break down

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because ive spent like

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the last 2 years stressing about what i'm gonna do in the future to make money so i wont have to live off my grandma

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i'm gonna wash my face with hot water now my acne is getting on my nerves

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okay nvm its too late to be running taps at this hour

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my mum keeps nagging me about my acne so much she's gonna turn it into an insecurity for me at this rate

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IM SO IN LOVE WITH HER

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sorry

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i'm not even one bit upset abt how long she takes to reply

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i know she's asleep or busy when she isn't replying anyway

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and it's worth the wait

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i sat there with her in her room for maybe 4 hours straight

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from like half 2 to half 6

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and i would do it again

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im so glad i got her the gifts i did

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i just hope the favour is returned one day

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not with gifts though

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just her showing she feels the same way abt me that i feel about her is enough

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i'll be satisfied

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then i can be sure that i didn't die for nothing when i do in the far, far future

valid axle
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I made a promise to the universe a month ago i think in this journal

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I asked for love and in return I said I will never ask for anything again

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now that I have that

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I promise i'll give everything 110%

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I love her so much I promise I won't mess up

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I still ask myself if I deserve it though

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maybe i do, maybe not

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i'm just going to be grateful

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i've wanted this for so so long

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years.

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i am deserving of love but i just can't tell myself that every time

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she's not properly ready for it yet though

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but i'm going to love her with every part of my heart

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every single part that was torn by someone else

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whether it was a partner or a close friend

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i promise i will

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also she said that she always pauses her music whenever i send her videos

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which she never does for someone else

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lemme buy you a ring already atp

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anyways goodnight

last crater
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AWWWW

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That's so cuteee

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And man I love a good poem esp w rhymes

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Nvm that looks weird

valid axle
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LOOL

valid axle
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I CAN'T MESSAGE MY SCHOOL TILL TOMORROWWW ARGGGG

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i either gotta collect a copy tomorrow or wednesday

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or very very early thursday

valid axle
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i hope she's doing alright in college rn

valid axle
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made this today on my friend's world

image.png
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happy with it

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is it weird that i check which new person left a reaction every time i see the number go up

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so washed

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its alrighttt

valid axle
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ahh yes this games back to haunt me again and again

image.png
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ever since my friend who introduced monster hunter to me erm well

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cut me off completely

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i haven't played it since

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i just don't know if i can again

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and its 100% one of my favourite games ever

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fucking love monster hunter

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repost of this clip

valid axle
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one of my others from my overthinking tellls me that one day she'll say how this isn't going anywhere and we should just break up because of that, even though i was simply waiting until she feels she's in a better head space to love the way people do in a relationship

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i give her unconditional love, meaning i do things for her even if she never says she loves me

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not in a malicious way she's just not ready for that yet

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and thats why i respect it. i don't want her to think i feel so distant because of that so i show her that i do feel the way i do

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hence the locket and poem

valid axle
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"ALSO ALSO"

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i LVOE THAT

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she got a diploma in art yippetoconfetti

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i feel so silly doing that after

image.png
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i find it so funny when someone says something to me like its basic english and i go and google it

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i'm not stupid i promise i just didn't grow up learning every single thing in the world

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theres a lotta basic things i just never knew

last crater
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My English teacher once asked me what a vowel is (he said it in Albanian) and I didn't know

valid axle
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bless

valid axle
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i am exactly where i want to be.

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goodnight

valid axle
#

gm

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took more quizzes last night

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signs of autism and adhd is looking somewhat likely

valid axle
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probably autism though

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made cool tree

image.png
valid axle
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cant get my results until maybe tomorrow

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thursday is still doable but

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id have to go to school and then go to my mum so we can head over to college

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if its too much i'll js say screw it and go on my own on friday

valid axle
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bought some earphones

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identical to my ones

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cuz they're a 1 yr garuntee

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didnt last a year but they lasted longer than i expected

valid axle
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IM GONNA PLAY AGAIN SOON CS OF THIS

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i want to turn my life into like

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just playing specific games

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alongside reading and cooking and college

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i will make that my life

valid axle
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Hello

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i love this

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they have sprites for nearly every pokemon

valid axle
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I WILL MOVE ON

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I WILL PLAY MHW TODAY

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AND ENJOY IT!!!

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my favourite image ever

016e65199fcedc4b6370b5d1989cdf97.png
valid axle
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they didnt fix the disconnecting problem

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fuck this game then

valid axle
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i really hope i make it into college

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goodnight

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song before i gts

valid axle
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i love being different

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like

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THESE ARE LITERALLY MY FAVOURITE POKEMON

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caps

valid axle
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hell no

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apart from blaziken but

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i like enjoying being different from others

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and standing out

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pokemon was the only example i can think of sorry

valid axle
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i wanted to use heavy weapons but its always nice to try smt new

valid axle
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yeah i used it for 1 minute and didnt like it

valid axle
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so update

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i got my exam results and my mum will be printing them out at work

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so i have my national insurance number (i think) as well as my birth certificate and my exam results

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which is all i need to enroll here

spare sable
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LESGOOOO

valid axle
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girlfriend goes to the same college too

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so im going to do cooking and see her

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ofc i didnt choose that college because of her i didnt even know she went to the same one

spare sable
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ITS CALLED DESTINY

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OR FATE

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IDK

valid axle
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WHAT SHE SAID

last crater
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Yayyyy

valid axle
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its starting to look so good yippetoconfetti

image.png image.png
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after digging out a hole for a solid uhhhh

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maybe 2-3 hours

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gorgeous

image.png
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my friend fucking KILLED me sad

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i wasnt lying at least

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another funny

valid axle
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have i posted my tattoos that i want yet

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i think i have but

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im going to repost them

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these are just some ive looked at

image.png
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i want to get a matching one with my girlfriend at some point

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likee a black and white koi fish

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i also want to get a tattoo on my chest right where my heart is

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with her initial heh

valid axle
#

fuckin love rengoku from the mugen train movie

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what a guy

valid axle
#

she's so sweet

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☹️

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she said she's sorry for not being social much

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cs she's dealing with college and finding out abt her dog having cancer

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she shouldn't be apologising to me for that.

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goodnight

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tomorrow's gonna be great

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im gonna wake up to the most heart warming message

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and then go see my mum

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and then go to college with her

valid axle
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morning

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it is in fact half 7 in the morning

valid axle
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I AM NOT A BURDEN TO THOUSE AROUND ME

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I AM LOVED AND APPRECIATED

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AND I LOVE AND APPRECITE BACK

valid axle
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I'm at rhe college rn

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they said how strict it is for coojing

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cooking

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95% attendance minimum 😧

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I need a LOT of self discipline but they said this is the best course to build confidence and self esteem

valid axle
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I GOT INNNN

last crater
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YAY

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IM PROUD OF YOU

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SLAY

valid axle
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gonna be so fun to spend like £200 on a uniform and knives

valid axle
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so tired

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in 1 hour i wiull have finished hxh

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i'm on episode 147 out of 148

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i njeed to shower first

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i've been out in the rain and heat today

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when i was waiting inside the college i could see my chest moving from how fast my heart was pumping

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aside from that i was pretty calm

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maybe more

valid axle
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sorry

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i need to stop that

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i'll wait for my friend to finish typing and then go shower

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ok done for now

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i showuh

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i had a thjought that maybe i dont need to shower today (even tho its a habit for me to shower daily) but i js thought about how smooth i be after a shower

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love showers

#

hgello

last crater
#

hgello to you too

valid axle
#

finished!!

image.png
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hunter x hunter was actually rlly good

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148 episodes totally worth it heh

valid axle
#

its time i play hollow knight

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again

valid axle
#

was fun

last crater
valid axle
#

last night was a weird dream

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there was this guy who had a bunch of sharp objects

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one small knife, some pens and pencils etc

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he came up to my mum and said to give everything and gave her 5 seconds

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and then 5 seconds passed and he was abt to toss a screwdriver at her but some guy stopped him

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and ever since thta heppened he acted like he never had any intentions to kill

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he would taunt me for a solid 10 minutes on the train throwing screwdrivers and pens near me but tossing them on the floor instead

valid axle
valid axle
#

still haven't gotten my timetable

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sorta stressing me out

valid axle
#

she's helped me realise that talking 24/7 isn't the core of a relationship

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it's what goes on when you don't talk

valid axle
#

mornung

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sent her like 2 paragraphs last night

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just waiting fro her to wake up Yummers

valid axle
#

why do i like hesitate every time i open a msg from her that i knows gonna be like a buncha compliments

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like i see it but i dont want to open it for a bit

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idk why

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im still

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JUST OPEN IT BRO

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ITS A WHOLE PARAGRAPH

last crater
#

Aw

valid axle
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one of her dogs might not make it to christmas so it's gonna be a hard month

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and she warned me in advance

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that she might not talk for a few days because of it

valid axle
#

somehting bad js happened nd it even has me worried

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i'm not ready to talk yet

valid axle
#

can i really continue to wake up with a smile while feeling like at this rate i will be in proper danger

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just gonna put a spoiler because its family stuff dont ask why

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||my uncle came bursting through the door about 20 minutes ago saying how he was being chased by someone with a knife on a scooter. i don't know why or how it happened but as of now the person who was after him has my house keys because he dropped them. i don't think this is a fear i've ever properly felt so i don't know what to think or say||

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||it wasn't some crack head who was just out of his mind. someone was after him.||

valid axle
#

i'm going to be just fine

valid axle
#

played for a while so i feel much better

valid axle
#

morning

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yay college tmr

last crater
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I wish you the best twin 🙏🏻

valid axle
#

hello

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i started re zero

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because ive been peer pressured into watching it for likie

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a month

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i also finished gachiakuta a few days ago

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rlly good anime

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i reccomend

valid axle
#

now i know how it feels when ppl get made fun of or criticised for something they have no control over

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i cut myself again cuz of my acne

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and on the way up my grandma said to be careful

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I WAS BEING CAREFUL

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I CANT FUCKING CONTROL WHEN I CUT MYSELF BECAUSE OF THAT

last crater
valid axle
#

tomorrow is gonna be great

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i hope

valid axle
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IT WILL BE!!!

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i just need to get my timetable

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and find my class

valid axle
#

I panicked and left

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i asked and asked and I'm still lost

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i have a timetable which I'm not even sure if it's rhe right one or not

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even if it is

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it doesn't say where rhe FUCKING LESSON IS

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i rlly wanted to ask my teacher to help

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hr said our timetables are on the website

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I checked rhe website and couldn't find it

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so I just felt stupid asking if he could email my timetable to me if it's apparently right there

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I should have just asked

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might have felt stupid but at least I wouldn't be here right now

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I was so confident about my first day of college and it was just miserable

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I don't think I can d this

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I've been talking about it all week how excited I was

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and everyone was so happy for me

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despite all that I was too stressed and just left

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I knew it would be difficult but i didn't fully comprehend that

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I want to be more social in class and talk more and I thought I'd changed

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but I went back to mentally crawling back into my shell

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it'd too late now

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my heart wants to go back but my body just wobt

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I already bought a ticket for the trip home

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I wish I js wasn't so unsure about everything

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then I wouldn't need to be so anxious

last crater
#

Hugs

valid axle
#

I'm not even working, I can barely handle one day of college

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I'm so sick of myself

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I was SO

#

EXCITED

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I dont know what I'm supposed to do if I drop college

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I was so excited and everyone was so happy for me :(

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I kept trying to boost my confidence in college but it just kept getting overran by everything else

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I just can't handle it the way it is

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I was so ready to ask and talk and when I tried to I just froze or zoned out

valid axle
#

on the way home all i could think of was how happy everyone was for me

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i shed tears until i couldn't anymore

valid axle
#

i still feel so much guilt i dont want to waste my time at college

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i rlly dont

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cant even fuckin log onto my school account at home

valid axle
#

my fingers wont stop twitching

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and my chest hurts from how fast my heart has been the entire time

valid axle
#

i did the one thing i didn't want to do which was run away

valid axle
#

i sat there and listened and i still don't understand a thing

last crater
#

🫂

valid axle
#

i hope tomorrow will go better

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good fkn night

valid axle
#

my girlfriend said she's leaving the college too

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i dont rlly wanna leave and i dont think i can now

valid axle
#

its okay

#

there's still other people there

valid axle
#

today was good

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we cut onions and carrots

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(i actually didnt know how to cut them so thats cool)

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cut myself twice but i didnt bleed

runic lark
#

Makes me remember how I was told as a kid that it takes the same force to bite a carrot that it would to bite your finger

valid axle
#

dont know till u find out

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(dont find out)

valid axle
runic lark
#

Yeah I figured

last crater
valid axle
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gonna make it into souppp

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and i also learnt that you only cry from onions if you breathe the stuff in through your nose

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so you either js gotta talk sing or casually breathe through your mouth

valid axle
#

song of the week

valid axle
#

i hate this boredom

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i've played like 5 games this hour and just gotten bored after the first 10 minutes

valid axle
#

BAHH I LOVE DEMON SLAYER

valid axle
#

ladies and gentlemen ive had an idea for my next poem

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for one of the paragraphs

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the first letter on every line is gonna be spelling out her name

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i love being smart

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@last crater boom theres an idea for you

last crater
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Lol I showed my newest poem to chat gpt and asked him to guess my age or job by the poem

valid axle
#

what the helly

last crater
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And bro called me a 40yo teacher

valid axle
#

chat gpt isnt the sharpest tool in the shed

last crater
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I like trolling him

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Judge me if ya want

valid axle
#

ykw i forgot to mention

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so about how my uncle says how im shaving wrong nd shit

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cuz i always cut myself

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he uses a fucking razor thats like 5x better than mine

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and he doesnt have acne problems

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STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE WALKING IN THE SAME FIELD AS ME!!

valid axle
#

if you guys know what this is about then you know

G0dOpEqWYAAiD4x.png
#

rest in peace to her

valid axle
#

death is scary but we all fear death

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so i like to think i can fear things more than death sometimes

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ive never given it a proper thought though b_think

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looking at my journals i think itd have to beee

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dying alone

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bleeding out in the snow sounds cool

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if i ever died alone that'd be how

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mood af song

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thanks to her though

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i don't think i'll ever die alone

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once i stop feeling things like jealousy or the fear of losing her to someone else

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i'll feel that way

valid axle
#

finished this after way too long

image.png image.png image.png
#

this is what it used to be

image.png
last crater
#

This is so coolll

valid axle
#

thank u i spent a lot of time on it yippetoconfetti

valid axle
#

i really did it

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a relationship which i've wanted for so long

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i've just

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still not completely comprehended it

valid axle
#

@last crater omg wow he posted again in the same month this is huge shocked

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but anyways

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i did what i said i was gonna do

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now her name is engraved into one of my poems

last crater
#

I'm sure shes gonna love it

#

If u show her ofc

#

Oop I'm late for school

valid axle
#

yes ofc heh

valid axle
last crater
#

I did xx

valid axle
#

gonna go clean my pc out for dust

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pray with me that i dont break my pc b_disappointed

#

okay back in like an hour

valid axle
#

survived

valid axle
#

i'm back to where i was last year

#

cold nights

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my hands and feet are freezing

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and i'm nothing short of in love

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plus im seeing her tomoorrow so its a win SteamHappy

valid axle
#

not tomorrow

#

lot happened today

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sunday prob

valid axle
valid axle
#

she said how she's thankful i'm so patient and shit with her

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and i was like

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"i want your issues to be my issues too i dont want you to deal with so much stuff alone"

#

and i felt my heart crumble when i saw her write out

#

"im really not used to this"

#

like has she even been loved properly before by another guy b_frowning2

#

bless her

#

i want to cry

#

why is she so surprised about being treated this way

#

i've done nothing more than reassured her

#

and been patient

valid axle
#

please bro next time i see her im gonna give her the biggest and most deserving hug

image.png
valid axle
#

I PRAY i can visit her on sunday

#

now goodnight

#

tomorrow will be pretty good

last crater
#

Yay for you twin DancePotato_OP

valid axle
valid axle
#

sunday is also a no she has a friend coming

#

so i'm visiting on monday after college

valid axle
#

she's like "if you're okay with that"

#

im gonna be at college 8 hrs

#

but i get to see her after

#

of course im okay with that

valid axle
#

lotta things r pissing me the fuck off right now

#

i took a shower and then went to take the trash out

#

ofc it had to start raining

#

then i wanted to try animating on roblox

#

i saw a lot of cool shit and wanted to try it

#

turns out oh no

#

all the animations i saw were using an animator that costs £30 to use

#

???

#

IT WAS FREE 5 MONTHS AGO

#

i tried blender

#

spent 20 mins importing an avatar and i couldnt even fucking do that

#

tried the roblox built in animator

#

didnt fucking work either

#

i cant draw but animating maybe the one thing i could do

#

of course i cant do that either now cs i have to pay a ridiculous amount for a roblox editor

#

this has me so pissed off i saw a rlly good animation and i wnated to try it

#

like i have all these images in my head of what i could animate

#

but of course as usual nothing goes my way

valid axle
#

Hwello

#

i woke up at 6am, left at 7:30am

#

came home at 9pm SOB

#

i finished college at around 4pm and visited my girlfriend till like 7

#

train got delayed which sucked shit

#

but it was good

#

she gave me one of her hairbands

valid axle
#

bacon

valid axle
#

today was so tiring

#

im gonna like ss everything i said

#

because i dont have the energy to rewrite it

#

i was gonna get food

#

turns out all the food i eat they do there is gone

#

got a bag of chips

#

finished them

#

basically zoned out for 10 minutes and wow im fucking late

#

and because of that i fell so far behind and they put my butter in wrong

#

even tho i woulda been happy doing it myself..

#

i'm 17 not 13

#

i'm so mixed on what to feel rn and its too overwhelming

last crater
valid axle
#

why is adding a fucking roblox character to blender so hard

#

i js wanna animate

#

but they made the fucking animating thing

#

£30

#

i rlly wanna but ive triedf twice

#

ive spent like 2 and a half hours trying to just put my roblox av in

#

why does it have to be so difficult

#

fucking hate technology sometimes

#

theres so many things i want to do but its just blocked out by procrastination and worry

#

and just ntoihing fucking working and breaking my notification

valid axle
#

tomorrow will go ok

#

im making scones

last crater
#

Yay

valid axle
#

and the days much shorter

#

i js gotta be at college a bit earlier

#

9-10:30 and then a class thats 10:45-12:15

last crater
#

Good luck twinsie

valid axle
#

i like winter

#

i can see the stars at night

#

the stars are really pretty

#

one day i will be up with the stars 🙂‍↕️

valid axle
#

yet another thing i rlly wanna do but i just cant fcukigng get it to work

valid axle
#

I FUCKING LOVE YOU KASANE TETO

#

6 million of these are me btw

valid axle
#

js argued with a dude on roblox

#

shit was so funny

#

sometimes the best rage bait is no rage bait at all

#

OH YES

#

fit from today

#

right

#

cuz i rarely post those

#

do not worry guys

#

face will not b shown

#

fucking love this sweater

#

my friend got it for me for my birthday

#

pibble o clock

#

wash my bellayyyyyy

#

yayyyyy

valid axle
#

even if its a small step

#

take a step

#

you'll still be further than yesterday

valid axle
#

i've eben up jhs talking to people

#

nearly 2am

#

i need some sleep

#

might wake up in time to msg my girlfriednd now if im lucky

#

goodnight

valid axle
#

headache is killing me

valid axle
#

js bought my kitchen uniform

valid axle
#

edit shitpost that i found on tiktok woohoo

#

i mighta sent this already

#

let me find another

#

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

valid axle
#

i deleted monster hunter because ive just been sucking at the game recently

#

ill try it again eventually

#

but i freed like 80gb

#

i ate some rlly rough steak today

#

bro

#

its hurting my tooth so badly

#

i feel like i can just rip it out

valid axle
#

i might eb stupid for only rlly now cosnidering this but i should stop popping pimples on my acne

#

and just let it settle

#

all im rlly doing is just making myslef bleed more

#

my mum keeps saying bla bla pop them but it clearly isnt working

valid axle
#

my heart feels so uneasy but idk why

last crater
#

🫂

#

Maybe anxiety

valid axle
#

i dont know why tho WAH

last crater
valid axle
#

i prolly did know but forogt

valid axle
valid axle
#

my tooth is killing meeeee

#

its not even remotely near the one i got ripped out

valid axle
#

so so tired

#

my tooth feels better now

#

so so so so tired

valid axle
#

im so glad i dont 'hate' anyone in this server

#

some comments here and there stick in my head but

#

i love everyone

valid axle
#

well

#

even if i didnt like some ppl i wouldnt make a whole ass argument anyway

#

imma just ignore them if i do

#

cs ive definately had disagreements with people

#

its js discord though so wtv

#

been a while since ive done a proper yapper in here but theres some ppl i despise

#

like this one guy who was with one of my exes from last yr

#

he basically left her and his next girlfriend because of 'family problems' when they js didnt fufill his lustful needs

#

i fucking despised him for that

#

and he was also like racist and transphobic and shit

#

and his #1 favourite band is radiohead which is why i hate radiohead

#

who else do i hate

#

cant think exactly

#

there's some people i def dont approve of

#

from like 2 parties ago i met this guy called leon

#

seemed like a cool guy because he was rlly extroverted

#

even talked to me while i was sat in a corner nearly invisible

#

but apparently he was flirting with like 2 girls at the same time

#

one of them is my girlfriend at the present

#

bless her heart she really deserves everything

#

i would give her that if i could

#

she's said words that repeat in my head daily

#

and have never left

#

"this is my first non toxic relationship ever"

#

word for word

#

there's a lot of people in the server i look up to as well

#

like idgaf if i'm a mod or not i'm not above the people i talk to

#

i wish i could get a diagnosis for adhd nd autism

#

i have a few signs for both

#

adhd more so

#

becuase i could never study at home

#

id lose focus so so easily

#

as soon as my phone went off id give up and be on my phone for 10 mins

#

then lose track of where i was

#

then give up

#

i'm tired

#

im gonna write her a paragraph then go to sleep

#

i don't know why but

#

i'm just sorry

#

i'm just so so sorry

#

i don't know why i want to apologise

#

but i feel i've done something worth apologising for

#

no it's not

#

i should be on my knees begging for forgiveness

last crater
#

🫂

valid axle
#

i sent her like 2 paragraphs yesterday talking abt like how bad my relationships have been and how grateful i am

#

oh my bad she didnt reply yet

#

we wait again

valid axle
#

YIPPEE

image.png
valid axle
#

woke up at 6 because i was gonna go to a car boot sale

#

and we changed the time to 9

#

without me knowing

#

how about i just say last minute that i dont wanna go now then

valid axle
#

i rlly suggest this if you feel a bit stumped in terms of your future

valid axle
#

need to talk here more

#

because i feel liek theres stuff that just stays sometimes

#

that i dont put here

#

think

#

thinking caps on ppl

#

this is my thinking cap

#

my teto playlist is growing

image.png
#

js wait till i come across another absolute peak teto song

#

funny thing is ive basically found these in the order i added them

valid axle
#

teto stuff aside i shall post another song i like that i found

#

recentkly

#

actually no its quite an old song

#

anyways college tomorrow yay

#

might see if i can go visit my girlfriend the next day as well

valid axle
#

BAH CHAINSAW MAN!!!

valid axle
#

you know what my problem is

#

i worry too much

#

cs im like waiting for a reply basically biting my nails

#

nd when i get a message from her it all goes back to zero

#

back to a bundle of joy

#

so i should lighten up even when she's not active

valid axle
#

RISE AND SHINE!!!!

#

nothing beats morning positivity Yummers

#

waking up MOTIVATED

valid axle
#

HUZZAH HUZZAH

#

my train was delayed so I had to get one for 9am which is when my class starts

valid axle
#

BAAAHHHHH

#

I MADE SHORT CAKES

#

WELL SHORTBREAD DOUGH

#

AND GOT FLOUR EVEYRWHERE!!!!!

#

CLOTHES TOO!!!!

#

EVEN ON THE OVEN

valid axle
valid axle
valid axle
#

i am the hard working indivisulal

#

im so tired rn

#

but i need to finish this friggin show

#

one season to go

#

SIXTEEN EPISODES shocked

#

yea no gn

valid axle
#

heaven gains another angel whenever someone new discovers otuka

image.png
#

it warms my heart that i'm able to get ppl to listen to one of my favourite artists ever

#

he's been one of my favourites since late 2024

#

and that's never changed

#

i rlly wanna do some like drawing animations wit the song

#

but i js dont have the skills

#

nor motivation

#

i pick up a pen, try, look back at the absolute horrific thing ive drawn

#

try again a month later

#

start from 0

#

i want to learn to draw but i just drag myself down

#

because i know it'll take a while

#

just to do anything

#

i just dont have the energy right now

#

i dont even know if i can get up nd go to the bathroom

#

i try to be positive when i can but somethings rlly just kill my mood and piss me off

#

like sunday i was gonna hangout wit my friend

#

at around 7am

#

dont ask why

#

so i woke up at 6am which is very early for a sunday

#

oh no the schedule changed to 9am

#

so i just cancelled entirely

#

my mind feels so empty and full at the same time

#

i feel overwhelmed yet clear

#

in fact i don't really know anything about myself

#

i don't even know why i'm incapable of crying properly anymore

#

i used to spend some nights in a park on my own just trying to shed a tear

#

i don't even know if i'm grateful or greedy

#

i definately act grateful for being in college and having a girlfriend but

#

i can't help but feel i'm missing something

#

maybe it's just myself

#

i feel ike i've lost a part of myself that i had when i was younger

#

the part of me that didn't overthink everything and feel the need to be 100% on everything

#

i've lost so much and i'm afraid to take more risks moving forward

#

i don't even think i'm capable of deciding those risks because i'm not that smart

#

actuslly while watching re zero i found this one part of an episode rlly relatable

#

like creepily

#

he was looked up by people in like the younger years of school but progressively got worse at what he did best as he got older

#

and then became invisible until he just stopped going to school

#

it went from once every two weeks, to one week, to once every three days

#

i was just like that

#

both in yr11 and yr12

#

i couldn't handle it because my school didn't help me truly

#

and that just worsened my mental state into what it is now

#

some of the things i feel most are hesitation and regret

#

this rlly felt different to me yesterday

image.png
#

i've been told it many times but

#

now i've been told it by someone i've felt the touch of and properly been around with

#

someone i've not been afraid to open up on

#

i would cry thinking abt the same 3 words from her again

#

some days i really do want to cry

#

i'm trying to now but

#

i just can't

#

i can't cry

#

maybe if i can just b inside her arms once

#

i can

#

just please let it hjappen to me at least once

#

i beg

#

why can't i cry

#

this isn't even sadness anymore it's just emptiness

#

an empty shell

#

the cocoon a butterfly leaves behind

#

i've been that cocoon the entire time

#

the cocoon doesn't know when the caterpillar grows and flies off. it doesn't feel it.

#

even though it's been ripped open it doesn't know

#

it still thinks it's protecting the caterpillar inside while it's already gone

#

i've spent so long protecting what i've grown up with but i don't even realise i've lost that so long ago just like the cocoon

valid axle
#

i have a lot to complain about

#

bahh too lazy

#

maybe later

valid axle
#

so tired

#

today was long

#

yet so fast

#

i was gonna eat my cereal today but i dont have the energy

#

imn gonna be there munchin for like 40 minutes

valid axle
#

hello

#

i js had a 9 hr nap

#

it was so good

#

i was too tired to even look at my screen

#

it was like 10pm

#

so i brushed my teeth and went to sleep

#

and woke up at half 7

tight pier
#

Indeed. A complete happy sleep is so nice!

valid axle
#

you tell em king Yummers

valid axle
#

wash my bellay

#

yaaaay

#

clean my belly

#

clean my bellaayyy

tight pier
#

Bellaayyy

valid axle
#

ppl be sleeping on the far cooler pokemon like

#

"this one is better no this one is better noo"

#

how about THESE

latest.png
#

love my oricorio forms

valid axle
#

i've had some thoughts bottling up for about half an hour but i think i feel i'm ready to talk about them

#

im sorry i just

#

havent had the energy tonight

#

my girlfriend said showed me what she's dressing up for as halloween but i don't know what she's doing for halloween

#

it's probably going to be our friend's birthday party which is why i worry

#

a lot of people there are weirdos and will probably hit on any girl they think looks cute

#

i just hope she doesn't get drunk or anything because thats what worries me the most

#

her saying something she doesn't mean without even knowing

#

i hope she enjoys herself but

#

im gonna be worrying a lot

#

because i dont want this halloween to be as damaging as the last

#

nd also she has to put one of her dogs down soon sadness

#

i feel so bad but she's not someone who wants comfort during times like these

#

she'd rather have time to herself and be spaced from everyone

#

which is a boundary i respect

#

i just hope

#

nothing bad happens for the next few months moving forward

#

people don't say bad things to me but

#

i still feel like i'm a burden

#

there's so much i hate about how i was

#

i was a brat honestly

#

i get haunted with the same memories of my aunt staying over helping me get up for school because it was too much for my grandma

#

and most days i screamed and cried just to not go to school

#

and that was not even 2-3 years ago.

#

i wish i could apologise to everyone for how i was but

#

i don't even know if i can talk to them in general sadness

#

i'm not good at socialising with my family

#

or in general

#

i want to talk to more people in my college but i js

#

don't think i'm that approachable

#

i've made basically no new friends, just classmate stuff

#

i've had like 3 diff friends/family ask if i've made any friends yet and it just hurt more and more every time i was asked

#

i rlly dont know how i did it as a kid

#

i socialised and didnt think about consequences

#

and now in the present i overthink every small detail

#

i used to be so happy

#

and care free

#

i just don't know where it all went wrong

#

those early times in my life were some of the best without me knowing

#

i don't have good "weeks" anymore

#

i have a few good days and the rest are just bare minimum

#

it's just

#

sad

#

i have a girlfriend and i got into college but

#

i just don't know what else i'm asking for

#

like the shell stuff i was talking ab before

#

i don't know if i can ever be as happy as i used to be

#

now it's just moments, minutes, maybe a few hours

valid axle
#

good morning

#

i actually woke up like 3 hrs ago but

#

didnt fele like saying nun