#airhead's journal

1 messages · Page 2 of 1

valid axle
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can something go write today bro

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anyways

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js realised my router hasnt been plugged in all day so that explains why i kept disonnecting

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theyre all playing phas together aprt from him..

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if he joins im gonna throw a table

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still cba to ask to join even tho i would like just ask me bro WAH

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oh come on

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she was begging me to join last night but she only did that AFTER I wasnt in the mood anymore

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what if i just exploded rn bro

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okay lets try little nightmares 2 again

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im gonna spend the next 10 mins trying to get past this one section

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and if i cant im rrefunding the dam game

valid axle
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it didnt work SOB SOB

valid axle
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watching the new jurassic world movie rn its pretty sick SteamHappy

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cannot wait to finish it

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i shall not spoil it

valid axle
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recently i've just been feeling uneasy

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like a weird pain in my chest

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idk i just feel lime im missing something

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i rlly hope this gift actually does something

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and its not just a "oh thank u for the gift you are such a good friend"

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the gift in question is a lego flower book like an encyclopedia

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(she collects a lot of lego flowers)

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i also need to shave my face tmr because im going saturday

valid axle
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i havent even showered today because i can't

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swomething about the bathroom being pained

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fml

valid axle
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THIS IS RIDICULOUS

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valid axle
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took me like 80 hrs to get 1 crown btw

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thats a joke somewhat

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cuz ive spent a lot of time js sitting around

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and doing storyline

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BUT STILLL

valid axle
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still cant shower rn

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so im using icepops to cool off

valid axle
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me when i have the fatal curse that makes me horrible at every game i touch

valid axle
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I HAD ONE JOB

valid axle
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LETS GO TETO

valid axle
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games so pretty

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valid axle
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haha i hunt the monsters

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valid axle
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so the girl im getting the flower book for asked for my tiktok cuz she had a bunch of cat videos to send

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nd i started getting her videos on my fyp

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u guys she is absolutely gorgeous

valid axle
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went up today to get a stamp

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nobody had a stamp

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need a first class and everyone's either shut, has no stamp or no first class

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i need one by tomorrow or else my frineds getting a late bday gift

valid axle
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i feel something missing still but

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i will continue to shine until another star comes forth and shines brighter with me

valid axle
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sent the letter to my friend

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it has a few photos of her cat

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and also a sylveon card

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this one but in korean

valid axle
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i need something to write abt here its been a while

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its rlly weird reading back which i refuse to do

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i was in love with this girl who i'm basically js friends with now and i'm happy like that

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i have someone else i want to ask out in the future

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same girl i'm getting the lego flower book

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like if i dont score with that then im never aiming for the hoop again WAH

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oh yeah i basically js watched dominion too

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since i watched the other one like a few days ago

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I SHALL GIVE MY RATING

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heh
enter a super cool divider here

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WAIT ACTUALLY I WANNA DO ONE FOR ALL OF THEM

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world anyway i haven't seen any of the jurassic park films but i have a rough idea of them

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enter another super cooler divider here

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jurassic world (1) - the indominus rex is probably one of the coolest fictional dinosaurs and it's whole lore and everything is cool, being genetically mutated with other dinosaurs including the trex and velociraptor. the velociraptor part is cool because of how it's able to communicate with the raptors and command them, alongside it being able to camoflage? cherry on top honestly, the whole movie overall was so good but i mostly enjoyed it for the indo rex

fallen kingdom (2) - probably my personal favourite because of the indoraptor, design and all. i loved how they used it's captivity as like a buildup once it actually got out of it's cage and was let free, made a lot of tense scenes and had me at the edge of my seat for most the scenes, plus it's death was cool as HELL. the movie was good aside from just the indorapter because of the whole lore behind john hammond and all bla bla

dominion (3) - i liked a lot of the dinosaurs specifically from this film, especially the feathered raptor from the scene after the plane crashed on the ice. it reminded me of concepts of how actual dinosaurs looked, feathers and all. there were a lot of things it could have done better but they made up for it with the therizinosaurus heh

rebirth (4) - this movie was ass i wont lie i'm sorry i can't deny it. the d-rex was cool but it's been officially inspired by a xenomorph incase that wasn't obvious, after all most the dinosaurs on that island look like aliens anyway. the family that were introduced and kind of dragged along and didn't have much of a development apart from the boyfriend but he kind of sucked anyway. THE POOR D-REX BRO HE DESERVED BETTER!! it had a solid 10 mins of screentime, killed one unlikeable dude for the plot alone because it couldn't kill a dude who was cornered and defenseless while they were intentionally sacrificing themselves. however the d-rex is definitely one of the strongest of the few, indominus has competition b_cold_sweat

the franchise has strong and weak points but it has a place in my heart

valid axle
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im like super tempted to buy a better microphone rn

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on amazon this one im looking at is 87

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but on ali express its 25

valid axle
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yes i will buy the microphone

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let me see how much money i have rq

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33...

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im basically gonna be broke if i buy it

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shit i still need money for train ticket too

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i'll do the math later

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57% OFF BTW

image.png
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THIS IS A STEAL

valid axle
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i want to love everyone some people are just so

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i find it difficult to not hate them

valid axle
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going to careers thing today even though i got told literally today

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fuckass school couldn't tell me all week "hey aiden you have another career session just letting you know so you don't have to go out of your way to call us again because we don't want to look like lazy pricks and show a bad example of the school we run that's also ruined your mental health"

valid axle
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oh and it's even earlier than last time

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last time i had to be there for 3pm

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now i have to be there for 12.45pm

valid axle
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so u guys know about this

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i want to also make clay stuff in the fuyture

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of this guy

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and their evolutions

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lemme show them

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they're beautiful

valid axle
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tetooooo

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valid axle
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blocked someone because they said otuka sucks

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I'M NOT BASED I PROMISED

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OTUKA IS REALLY GOOD!!!

valid axle
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i got pretty happy bout that

valid axle
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MHA SPOILER!!

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season 8 is gonna be LIT

valid axle
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i love scrolling through other people's journals

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i hope they feel noticed when i leave a reaction or any sign SteamHappy

valid axle
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i got pissed off at the game because i kept placing down buildings in high demand areas but still wasnt making profit

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ungrateful pricks b_unamused

valid axle
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i feel like i wanna ask my friend to play just out of the blue sometimes

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but i just feel like im gonna b wasting their time sometimes

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they could be doig better things sadness

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like playing ff

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i would ask to js play monster hunter but i disconnect 24/7

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i get jealous js from seeing them playing with other friends who i know have a larger than mouth than me

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but i feel like being able to ask should be a bare minimum

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and my other friend who said we'd play after she got back from holiday js hasnt messagd me since

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its been 2 weeks and i think she's just siding with the guy i rlly hate

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like sorry he makes suggestive jokes to 15 year olds

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shits pissing me off

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"PLAY MARVEL RIVALS W ME PLAY MARVEL RIVALS W ME" yeah i will when i get a gpu

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i got a gpu

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"PLAY IT PLAY IT" i will when i get a ram upgrade

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i got a ram upgrade

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radio FUCKIGN silence

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i don't feel like playing anything or just doing anything bro

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i needa find more ppl i can just play with casually

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cause im stuck on the same like 3-4 people not like i dont like them

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maybe i should go to a rage room sometime it might help me out

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closest one is 15 miles

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sometimes i'm just happy and nothing more, other days i feel empty and the rest i just don't know what i'm doing with my life

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but its okay im sorting out the 3rd one rn

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its the same person who kept apologising for not inviting me as well..

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fml why do i get paired with these shitty ppl

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not my friend group tho 😋

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so unfair

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they're probably having the time of their lives rn and couldn't care any less abt me

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so much trauma dumping for what

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i dont feel like playing monster hunter anymore for now

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just dried out WAH

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even tho i got a lot to do still

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i want to believe i should cut people off wait wait for the right ones to show up

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but how will they show up

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they gonna grow from a seed in soil

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mood af

image.png
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my uncle also js borrowed my shaving cream

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hpefully i get it back soon

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because i need it back SOON

last crater
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I met boden by texting "shark Do-Do-Do-Do-Do baby" in chat

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And he continued the lyrics 🔥

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They do just show up

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So js be yourself and you'll be great

valid axle
last crater
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🫶

valid axle
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spinosaurus

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it fucking died

valid axle
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DEMON SLAYERS COMING OUT TODAY

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IN JAPAN

valid axle
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i js saw a leak for the movie im so insanely hyped

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DID U KNOW

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1.3 MILLION SEATS HAVE BEEN RESERVED FOR THIS

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AND THERES LIKE 24 FULLY BOOKED CINEMAS

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ALL FOR THE DEMON SLAYER MOVIE

valid axle
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£16 for a dlc is kind of insane but tghe game was like £50 anyway

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(i bought it for £2.50 because it was on a heavy discount)

valid axle
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i think i'm already starting to develop mentally

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because i actually know what i want to do now

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(catering etc) heh

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btw you guys can't tell me i'm overthinking (not like you do anyway) because this is genuinely a new level of hate

image.png image.png image.png image.png
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like im being ignored so obviouslky

valid axle
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i hope one day everyone i've lost contact with including my exes know that a boy's heart can only handle so much

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everyones just pissing me off sm right now

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because now im sort of being thrown back into my past and i cant stop thinking about things my exes said to me while i was with them

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i don't think it matters how much i hate them or how bad of a relationship we had i think they're all doing better

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and even if they're not, i still think they've lived more of a life than i have

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the same girl who cheated on me is probably the best in her class right now doing work abroad

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despite the first thing i still kept going back 3-4 times until we stopped talking entirely

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detatchment issues r gonna be the death of me

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my heart is beating hard rn though i think its been like that most the hour

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teenage years have no doubt been my worst

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had at least 4 diff long distance relationships that crushed me to pieces

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monday is gonna change that though trust

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either gonna be the closest ive been to a proper relationship or an even worse heartbreak than the other 4

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i'm gonna be strong in the future mentally i know that but

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for now its js gonna be difficult

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i have to let go of the thought that things could have been different

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because if they could have been then they would have

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things could have been different though

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i just couldn't change so i gotta suck that up

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things could have been great

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things were great

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it wasn't perfect but

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it almost worked out

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no matter what i always ended up reaching out to all of them after we broke up

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no matter if i or they were the problem

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i went back every single time and learnt my lesson all over again

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its just scary cuz i would try again with some of them

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i know i wont sit in this bubble of the past forever but just let me have this one

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let me reminisce of the things i wish i didnt lose

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you know what's really weird

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i didn't even know what that word meant

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reminisce

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i search it up js now and i used it right anyway

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ive never used that word in my life yet i still used it in the right place

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i think i'm smart when i choose to be

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not in relationships it seems

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i can name a hundred things they did wrong but i can name probably two hundred about myself

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(hyperbole obv)

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same applies to all of you please don't change yourself for someone else

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the silence is extra loud today

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it has me wondering if i really do miss the same people whom i gave my heart to before watching them shatter it into a million pieces

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it's really incredible

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right now i feel dried out like a vampire sucked me dry

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yet i can still talk to her with so much energy

valid axle
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okay sad era kind of ended

valid axle
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we're talking it out rn and HELL

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HELLO

valid axle
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ok i forgot abt thgis sorry

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she said how it was all js a joke what he said to her (the guy im arguing with)

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even tho he made jokes about ||rape and impregnating||???

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TARGETED to her btw

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15 and 17 btw

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sometimes i think i do want to try again with the same girl that literally cheated on me but

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its just walking into a field of fire

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she treated me the best even tho i couldnt always return the energy

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i

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never deserved to be cheated on because i know i tried my best

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ive always tried my best and i never deserved any of the mental abuse i faced

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i gave it 110%

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120 even

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still got broken up with like 4 times, cheated on once and forced out of 2 relationships for my and the other's benefit

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love has dragged me down hardd but im still trying

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i've taken a lot of blows because it's the one thing ive wanted the most

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sometimes when i listen to songs they help me understand that things do get better

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and that miracles do exist

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some of the people i've met here i consider that

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you know who you are

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i don't care who you are or what you're going through

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things WILL get better

valid axle
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i have so many friends and family but i still feel so so alone

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when i curl up i feel warm, not the type of warmth that i'd feel from being near a fire, it's more like a spiritual warmth

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i don't want to be close with myself just to feel this warmth

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hopefully someone will come day and be the other half

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someone to help me feel that type of warmth again

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like i have a family, money, a future planned ahead but i'm just still missing that piece

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why do i miss the same person who admittd to cheating like a month later

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i just find these people i consider perfect and they always show some inperfection that makes them unlovable

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i want to find someone whom i can kiss all the things she hates about herself

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i can't wait to go out during winter at like 6pm when its black outside

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and just pour my eyes out

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i tried and tried last year and just couldn't

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so this year i will

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one day someone will comfort me

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physically

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i just want it sooner

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i still feel so much warmer just curled up

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it's nice like this

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i want this to last forever

valid axle
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I said i was gonna sleep but I'm back here again

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oj mh phone I bed trying

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but the thought of her came back

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maybe if things don't work out I'll try with her again

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I'll do better

valid axle
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basically js settled down cuz i got home

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i went out to a friends house

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cuz i thought id at least do something this week

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i sat there in a corner for basically an hour and a half while everyone else was commoting

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i feel so left out every time i go there and there's not a lot i can do because i can't reach out and say something

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i had like 1 or 2 people come up to me and ask if i'm alright and i said yeah until they went away

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i just didn't know what else to say

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i wasn't really upset because i was happy to just be there but

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i don't know

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i don't know if i hate myself or not

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is it really my fault if i can't just talk to people

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it's not their fault for not knowing how i feel

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everyone around me at least had someone

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someone to just talk to and enjoy the 2 hours with

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i was just on my phone sinking into the bench

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one day i'll be loved as much as i need it rn

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something's just off again

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i feel miserable again but i dont know why WAH

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i dotn feel like socialising with my friends or playing anything

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one day i'm just gonna break though

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im gonna hit a point where i can't take it nd just melt down

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please just let me have this one girl

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i don't ask for anything more

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and i wont if i just have this chance

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i keep picking my lip and nails by instinct

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like a stress thing i think

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i feel like i'm just becoming so much more distant from everyone

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ever since the ones i enjoyed talking to daily stopped talking to me

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i want to do something

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i just want to say something to her at least

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when i was sat there i was very open to my surroundings because i had a feeling someone was gonna ask if i'm okay eventually

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just one person

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nothing much

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she said if i'm ok, wanted some of her drink then walked off

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i think by the time i got home they still didnt even notice i was gone

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because i just silently left

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not like i woulda been noticed anyway

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im just begging

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to whoever controls the world let me have a chance with this girl

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sometimes i just feel like i live in an entirely different world from everyone else

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i like being different but js

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i wanna feel normal too

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i want to fit in and be my own person

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maybe i should write another poem

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i have sm on my watchlist but i havent even finished the first

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still got 40 episodes left

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and i havent even picked up vagabond in a while

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i stay in, i feel miserable, i go out, i feel miserable but hide it unless my body language is too obvious

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i just feel so stuck

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it doesn't matter what i do

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i always feel like this in the end

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i don't knwo what to do i should maybe find someone to talk to as well

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not like an ofifical therapist but

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yes catthumbsup

valid axle
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my lip picking is so bad most of my top lip burns

valid axle
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watched some funny videos nd i feel a bit better

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lrg-tuvxJg&list=PLKpuo4jVAVDrwqM9zLfwitIXFP7JLkLLP&index=6

YouTube
X_Bartoloser_X
Joe Bartolozzi Rage Compilation #6

Thanks for 13K!

Subscribe if u enjoyed and for more content!

Joe Bartolozzi:

Joes Discord: https://discord.gg/joebart
Joes Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/joe_bartolozzi
Joes YT: @joebartolozzi
Joes YT gaming: @JoeBartGames
Joes YT vods: @JoeBartVOD
Joes YT shorts: @joebartshorts
Joes tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@joe.bartolozzi
Joes merch: ...

▶ Play video
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i like this one esp

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he sounds like joe from family guy SOB

valid axle
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i feel like if i just stay the way i am i'll be noticed one day

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i like to think the quieter people are the better ones to notice

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everyone has a loud side anyway

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i just don't want to feel a burden like this for so long

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the worst part today is that i was constantly aware of me beign there and how i was quiet

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i was fully aware i was basically on my own

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i feel so desperate for love right now

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i'm not trying to rush it i've just

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needed this for so long

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i wish at least she would text me rn because i need a cheer up

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i didnt even know she was coming today i coulda brougth her gifts

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actually nvm that can wait for when we actually get time to catch up alone

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i care so much for someone and they dont realise it but i feel like i'm trying too hard

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maybe i can get her to read all this one day

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i dont think any of my friends know about half of the stuff here

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i don't reach out and talk about it

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i have like one friend i'll say one thing to but

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the rest just sits bottled

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this feeling will pass eventually but

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i kind of like it sometimes

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especially when i get to cry

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which i don't much

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last time i cried was when i fully acknowledged that someone i loved so much was properly gone (not a family member dw)

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crying is one of my favourite things to do but i just can't

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i feel like i don't have feelings sometimes

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just because i can't cry when i want to

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i used to spend so many winters on the swings, just listening to music, TRYING to cry

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i couldn't

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i hope she likes the book i got her

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i hope one day shes knows it's the first proper gift i got someone with my own money

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in my life

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i've watched so many birthdays of loved ones pass and she's the first i properly give my own gift to

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i want this to mean something

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i've gone and given things to people before but

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this is different for a birthday

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i'm gonna write in the card i got for her a few days ago now

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this is what i wrote

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(Name), I know i'm two weeks behind but, wishing you a happy birthday!!

No matter how dark the world is, you always manage to shine just as bright. Please never lose that light

From me heh

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hello

last crater
valid axle
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me to you

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guys this is ai edited no cats were harmed during the making of that gif

last crater
valid axle
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shhhhhhh

last crater
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It hurts 😔

valid axle
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funny

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only actual funny person with the griffin meathod

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(aka when you just speed up and slow down the audio for shits and giggles)

valid axle
valid axle
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im so bored i dont wanna play roblox but its my last resort WAH

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its okay im going to my friends house tmr

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gonna give that gift i wouldnt shut up about

valid axle
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i told myself im gonna listen to kasane teto till i get a headache

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about a week has passed and i think ive reached that point

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got her gift wrapped up too

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with the letter

valid axle
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i js got off jujtusu shenanigans and bro

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games more toxic than a scorpion

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i joined, got insta jumped by this guy and he had like 2 people hitting me

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killed him like 3 times, his friend with 12 thousand kills started fighting me

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beat that dude 6-3 and he was complaining about me just adding random numbers WAH

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he was being so toxic for nun

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but its okay i told him to have a good day before getting off the game 🙂‍↕️

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best thing to do cuz ur not a coward for going first

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it means you're mature

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that actually rlly helped me realise my anger issues have gotten better

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at one point id just bash my table

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(not break it cuz its rlly sturdy)

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but i'm happy ive at least matured

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i feel like that mood again but i'm not really as foggy in my mind

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i feel a bit more joyful

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maybe i'm just excited about tomorrow

valid axle
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TODAY'S THE BIG DAY Happy_cat

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it might be pretty cold today for summer

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the highest is like 23c and the lowest is 14c

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(celcius)

valid axle
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in just an hour from now i'm gonna getting dressed to go meet heh

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shiots so exciting

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never been on a train on my own before

valid axle
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js got on a train after basically stressing out over whether I'd get the right train and if I'd make it on time

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its ok I asked some people if it's the right train and they were very nice about it

valid axle
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js got home it was great

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had to deal with 1 cancelled train and 1 delayed train

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and almost missed my train home

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anyways

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we doomscrolled for about 2 hours

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and played roblox for an hour

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on her ipad

valid axle
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it doesnt sound like much but i really enjoyed it

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just being there

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im grateful enough for

valid axle
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i'm happy about it

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i want to go again when i get money heh

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things get better

image.png
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things do get better

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please just give it time

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i beg

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i don't know if i could ever bare the guilt of not being there when someone was at their lowest

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GOODNIGHT EVERYONE

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remember

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things will get better

valid axle
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i asked for help with setting up my microphone today

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so i dont know how to explain this but

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to connect a microphone to a mic stand, the microphone has a little piece you have to screw/attach the mic to in order to connect it to a stand

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and my friend basically just gave up on me SOB

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and idk how to do it

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if u think u can help lmk because its nothing complicated i just dont know how to fix it

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because my mic is just LOOSE

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every time i presented a new problem brother just responds with 🥀

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pisses me off even tho i dont say it

valid axle
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shits getting bad

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i dont feel like playing monster hunter or literally ANYTHING

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cant visit my friend till i get moneyyy WAH

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i actualkly enjoyed doomscrolling together piss off

valid axle
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i was figthign a dude for an hour straight

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NOT BY CHOICE

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HE WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE

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his friend and him were fighting me at the same time, lost, one dude gave up but the other wouldnt sotp

valid axle
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dont worry about that if u guys dont play any fighting games i would go deeper but i know its mostly elite ball knowledge to me 🙂‍↕️

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anyways goodnight

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and remember you matter

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yes you Angry2

valid axle
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i've been thinking abt her way too much recently and i dont know if i even want anyuthing more than a friendship

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well i do but

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its so difficult to choose WAH

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we've hung out twice but it was mostly platonic

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nd her best friend started following me for some reason

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i met her at a party a few days ago but still

valid axle
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YOU CANNOT DEFEND THIS GUY BRO

SPOILER_image.png
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SPOILER FOR NSFW MESSAGES IG

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BUT IF I WAS HIS LAWYER ID CRY

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i tried telling avina that its not okay for him to be doing that but she's js defending him

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at this point she can deal with that herself i dont wanna b friends no more

valid axle
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i can't express how happy i am that these are my top songs

image.png
#

i think a lot of u guys would like nights like this

#

or word vomit

#

or maybe stuckk on you

valid axle
#

i agree with that guy

#

very good songs

#

yo 14 reactions is kinda insane heh

#

i love how ive been just writing her for fun and not trying to get attention

#

ive been mostly expressing myself

#

and my interests

#

nd im still getting seen for it

valid axle
#

how do i win when THIS is my competition

image.png image.png
valid axle
#

LOOOKKKK

image.png
#

THEY DREW MEEEEEE

#

WAIT LET ME SEND THEM ALL

#

this is my avatar in question

noFilter.png
#

i love it

#

how could i not make it my new pfp

valid axle
#

i feel so cool and mysterious now

image.png
#

guys i'm sorry if u get flashbanged now

#

this is actually insane

image.png image.png
#

they're still above the millions like a month later

valid axle
#

LOOOOKKKKK

#

THE LAST ONE ESPECIALLY

valid axle
#

i been practicing drawing for reals now

#

js understanding head structure

#

and face structure

#

to be fair i think there's a lot of room for improvement

image.png
#

the hat is a bit small

#

like way too small

#

and the cheek doesnt really align very well

#

its just a line

#

the hair's okay tho im happy with the hair

#

took me 40 mins to draw but whoo caressss

valid axle
#

i'm getting there

valid axle
#

i also had a dream where she asked me out last night sadness

#

sadly just a dream for now

valid axle
#

im gonna be looking thru a bunch of journals i think

#

if i dont end up drawing later

#

god ipads are so expensive

#

i still feel pretty alone sometimes

#

do u guys think i should try to talk to more ppl on discord

#

like making friends

#

i think so

#

maybe i shouold make a bmf on tiktok (like when you use a few slides describing yourself and your interests)

#

kind of like a job application but to make friends SOB

#

i'm not afraid to socialise i js

#

i dont like having awkward moments between people

#

maybe i should find people who i share strong interests with

#

like demon slayer or pokemon

#

i love those 2 and i'm bringing them to my grave

valid axle
#

that dream felt so real to me sad

#

like your feelings would probably reflect you irl

#

in that fuckin dream when she said she loves me

#

i couldn't wipe the smile off my face if i tried

#

i've never seen myself so happy in a DREAM before

valid axle
#

i'm gonna write a poem abt it

#

because i can't get it off my mind

#

her off my mind

#

aswell

last crater
valid axle
#

yes yes of course

#

all my poems go here heh

valid axle
#

Just A Dream

I was lost in a world, full of dim lights and gloom.
The brightest thing was the luminosity of the moon
Admiring the cosmos, distant commotion was heard
I had to go closer, else the words were slurred

At the end of the street, under a lamp was a figure
The lamp slowly flickered, as i got closer it got bigger
Pushing forward, my surroundings became distorted
Like pressure of a weight, completely unsupported

I couldn’t move anymore, I stood 20 feet away
Bones still as stone, they were about to decay
Underneath the dim light, I saw a girl’s face
One I'd seen before, My memory was out of pace

About to fall, She appeared before my cries
Eyes so bright, they lit up the skies
Leaning on my shoulder, I didn’t think it was true
That was until she uttered those three words

**“I love You” **

Cheek on her skin, Soft as a dog’s fur
My mind was purged, it was full of her
Grasping onto her jacket after such an endeavor
My hands felt a pillow, soft as a feather

Leaning up from my bed, where the girl was not
I awoke from a vision, that I hadn’t forgot
A tear ran down my eye, I was going to scream
As for the paradise I thought I had

Was only a Dream.

#

@last crater SteamHappy

#

i'm actually really happy with this

last crater
#

Reading

valid axle
#

yaya

#

it was a tiny bit rushed because some of the lines sounded a bit weird reading them out loud in my head

#

but i at least wanted to write something

last crater
#

jaw drop

#

No offense to other poets I've read

#

But damn that's the best piece of art I've ever seen

valid axle
#

bless sadness

#

i love reading everyone else's poems here as well tho and they're just as good

#

have u seen rina's journal

last crater
#

Lwk reminds me I need more positive poems

valid axle
#

she does poems too

last crater
#

I'll check it out fr

valid axle
#

well she has some heh

valid axle
last crater
#

My whole personality is about poems ngn

valid axle
#

i like it as a side hobby because i don't write them constantly

#

i like to write them based on something that's affecting my mental health

#

like in a bad way

last crater
#

I write too many

#

And most go to waste ngl

valid axle
#

i see that

#

a lot of your journal stuff is poems heh

last crater
#

Fr

#

This and my notes are the only places I put them

valid axle
#

fairs

#

i keep them all on word but i like to put them here too

valid axle
last crater
#

I loved it ngl

valid axle
valid axle
#

after trying a bunch of drawing with my mouse i've decided i'm not cut out for it

#

i will be way better off with a pen and tablet

#

so i'll get one at some point to properly try drawing heh

valid axle
#

i hope it works out

#

fynn i hope one day you do see all these

#

whether it worked out between us or not

#

now good NIGHT heh

last crater
#

Nighty night

valid axle
#

i wake

#

i wanted to try and remember my dream as soon as i wake up becuase i get like 10 seconds before my memory is just wiped

#

its oh well

#

FUCK OFF INSTAGRAM

#

LET ME PUT MY POEM ON MY STORY

valid axle
#

i asked my grandma why she hasn't been calling me down to cook anymore nd she said because she 'thought i was busy'

#

nothing's more important to me than learning to cook rn

#

so that just

#

hurt

#

i've really enjoyed cooking too

valid axle
#

bless teto for not having a single bad outfit

1200.png latest.png 360.png
valid axle
#

im so shit at drawing with a mouse bro omg

#

i cant draw anything decent in 5 mins but thats the time limit Angry2

#

i need a graphic pad ASAP

#

i see literally any decent drawing and im like omg this is amazing i want to draw like that at the bare minimum

#

i don't want to quit drawing esp when i get a pad

#

i'm just afraid of giving up after not seeing improvements

#

i always tell myself i'm doing my best but deep down i know i'm not trying as hard as i could be

steady bronze
valid axle
next sable
valid axle
valid axle
#

it's actually cruel how many people go through sa in their life

#

ive seen so many people in this server talk about that kind of trauma they've been through

#

and it's not even random people it's friends or close friends

#

none of you deserve to go through that at your age

valid axle
#

might have made a really bad choice which im not gonna speak about out loud

#

all and all it's something i'm afraid to talk about

#

not something i directly js refuse to in front of everyone

#

but oh well i'll js see if i get a response for it

valid axle
#

she's not gonna see it for a while anyway

#

gn

valid axle
#

oh yeah ive said nothing here today

#

SOMETHING INTERESTING GO!

#

u know what this caterpillar is called

SPOILER_wildlifetrusts_40331200380.png
#

elephant hawk moth caterpillar

#

thats literally 4 diff animals in one

#

how wacky is that

#

like just pick one bro

#

i'm not trying to mock anyone who's diagnosed but sometimes i feel like i'm really autistic or on a similar line to ppl who are actually diagnosed

#

i've been called autistic as a joke but i've never self diagnosed nd never will

#

might go get a diagnoses one day just to see heh

valid axle
#

kittay

image.png
valid axle
#

i like these character designs but they knew what they were doing with her.

image.png
valid axle
#

morning

#

today will be a splendid day

#

no reason specific

valid axle
#

was

#

still is

#

feel bad for emi tho cuz you're supposed to be happy on your birthday 😞

valid axle
#

my heartrate has gone up i can hella feel it

#

just my chest

#

no reason specific either

#

its times like these where i have these small assumptions in my head as to what it could be

#

but my heart knows what it is more than anything

#

its just i dont WAH

#

its prolly cs of her

#

shes done sum thats really gotten my heart up in a good way

#

okay first off

#

7/10

#

LIKE

#

SHE HAS AT LEAST 15 OTHER STORIES OF THESE AND THEY'RE ALL 6.5 OR LOWER

#

trust its gonna work

#

if i just dont make a move

#

and let it advance heh

valid axle
#

HE'S ONLY 6!!!!!!!!!!

#

I'M 7 MAFAKA

#

i love how im so confident over thi

#

as if its a competition

#

so silly

valid axle
#

ong monster hunter is pissing me the FUCK off

#

im trying to put a gem on my armor but i js cant find the gem

#

and i remember buying it

#

or at least seeing it

#

but its just NOT there

#

like fuck me ig there's just no gem to begin with

#

also my grandma got me hair ties for some reason

#

like those stretch elastic things to tie your hair up

#

i can actually see now shocked

#

nd i feel like i'd like my looks more if i had my hair tied up

#

not like i hate my looks its js

#

im constantly moving my hair around when its untied

valid axle
#

been waiting all day for it to go to 8

image.png
#

cs we're gonna play today heh

#

omg nvm she jus got online

#

active one minute ago 3AM

#

tragic bro

#

i know at the v least im not being ignored

valid axle
valid axle
#

ive been in 3 diff calls today

#

shit's so draining

#

first was with my 2nd friend group

#

we played uhmm

#

a dead by daylight knockoff + 3008

#

then i was with my main friend group playing uno and gmod

#

and then i was playing with my friend doing escape rooms nd shit

valid axle
#

i rlly wanna just play the endgame for zenless zone zero but its just

#

so much storyline

#

im skipping all the dialogue

#

because there's so much stuff thats js irrelevent to me

#

i'm better off playing genshin atp but i wont

#

like i LOVE the combat

#

it's so fast paced and expressive

#

i cba after this im js going on mh wilds

valid axle
#

morningg

#

hating on 2 people rn secretly Angry2

#

nobody in this server dw

valid axle
#

ive started using the hunting horn on monster hunter and it's actually so funny

#

its probably the most unique

#

i'll explain best i can

#

so most weapon in monster hunter have three primary attacks, on mouse it would be left right, right click and left + right click

#

for the hunting horn these clicks have notes assigned to them

#

and if you play the notes in certain orders it triggers certain effects

#

okay anyways

#

i wanna throw a song suggestion heh

#

skip to like 2:45 cuz thats my favourite part

#

i know not a lot of ppl would be into music like this

#

but i love listening to it while playing mhw

valid axle
#

MONSTER HUNTER I HATE YOU SOMETIMES

#

ive tried at least 8 different things over the 2 months ive had the game

#

just to fix my disconnecting problem

#

IT STILL HAPPENS

#

IT STILL FUCKING HAPPENS EVERY TIME

#

JUST WHNE I THINK I'M FREE I GET KICKED OFFLINE

#

anyways

#

like i can never hate the game entirely

#

i love monster hunter to bits and it's still really fun on my own

#

but the hunting horn is not best fit for singleplayer

#

and when i'm half way through a mission and i get kicked in front of 3 people

#

so annoying

valid axle
#

i hope we get to play again tday

valid axle
#

its alright if we dont

#

i js wanna know if i can just sit around or not

#

cs im not a person to be easy around deadlines

#

even if its just as small as my friend asking to play soon

#

also she doesnt ignore

#

i know how ppl like her are

#

if she was she wouldn't do it maliciously anyway

#

more like a "just gonna act like i havent seen this yet because i dont have the energy"

#

dont bother me

#

i waited an hour for her to get on yesterday and i didnt care

valid axle
#

yea there's no way shes getting on but its okay

#

we never agreed to play every day but ive asked her every day anyway

valid axle
#

ive had insta open for the last 2 hours

#

just hoping she'd reply WAH

#

its okay i know she doesnt socialise much

#

nd its fine i promise heh

#

not gaslighting myself i swear

valid axle
#

my notifications went up by 1 and my heart jumped up for a sec 😞

#

i don't know if i love her or not that's my problem

#

like inna a relationship way

valid axle
#

even if i do im js scared im gonna feel more and more detatched as time passes

#

because idk if she would talk to me any more than now if we were tgt

#

it's just a scary thougb because idk if i could handle a real breakup

#

i do want hr to feel appreciated if it gets to that point

#

in the winter i'll walk to her house

#

and i live an hr away

#

maybe 2 hours on foot

#

but itd be totally worth it

#

i've always been afraid of messing up relationships

#

that fear just grows the more and more i get into

#

i've been in maybe uhm

#

uhhhh

#

6 or so

#

not a single real life one btw..

#

so im like super determined to make this one work out

#

also charged my phone for 2 hrs and it went up by 19%

#

fml

#

from 4 to 23

#

everything is very tiring right now

#

i think i'll just write a poem to release some bad energy

#

i love listening to tv girl sometimes

#

it really does remind me of her

#

she also loves listening to tv girl

#

she loves crystal castles and tv girl and radiohead

#

i'm not a big fan of radiohead but that's okay

#

we don't have to be identical

#

this feels like me sometimes when im hanging out with them all

#

i can laugh at and with them but

#

i feel so distant still because i'm nothing like them

#

i just try to be myself but end up fitting in

#

like i want to stand out and have a voice but it's just locked inside

#

with hundreds of chains

#

my attention span is so bad ive been doing everything but writing

#

i'm sorry i'll start writing now

#

i cant think of a name yet hold on

#

usually i think of a name and then go crazy from there

#

yay she replied yippetoconfetti

#

we wont be playing today tho

#

she does NOT have the energy

#

i wish she didnt dissapear so quickly but

#

cant be helped

#

i'm not suicidal but i'm wondering what would change if i died

#

i have some friends who i know care

#

some who would probably cry

#

some who would probably move on after a month or two

#

my family would probably care if i was gone so young

#

my classmates probably wouldn't be any different

#

the ones at the party wouldn't notice

#

they don't realise if i'm there or not anyway

#

i can't die now anyway

#

i'd never be suicidal how i am now

#

i don't have anything to leave behind

#

i need something to leave behind because what'd be the point of dying

#

the guy who invented lightbulbs left behind well

#

lightbulbs

#

30 mins and i haven't written anything

valid axle
#

yeah no i cba to write now

#

that feelings kinda gone away

valid axle
#

ive bitten my lip sm today

#

its bleeding a lil now

#

but ive bitten off like 4-5 small pieces of the layer

#

it'll grow back but i acc gotta stop

valid axle
#

i dont hate acne but sometimes its actually hurts sm

#

sometimes i js wanna grab one of those needles ppl use to draw blood

#

and just pull the bad stuff out

#

because im not a person to just let big pimples sit on my face

#

but this one on my nose

#

its at such a bad angle i js gotta wait for it to go away WAH

#

hot water helps a lil ig

#

because it apparently opens up the pores

#

sometimes i wanna get like a really small nd sharp thing and just stab near the pimple to make it easier to get the stuff out

#

not in a sh way

#

i need to make it proper 100% clear im not suicidal or do anything like sh

valid axle
#

she's on my fyp SteamHappy

valid axle
#

life is so good rn but monmster hunter is not

valid axle
#

fatass teto plush

image.png image.png image.png
valid axle
#

I LOVE YOU OTUKA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

#

TO HEAR YOU CALL MY NAME I'D DO IT ALL AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN LETSFUCKINGGOOOOO

#

TO HEAR YOUR WARMTH AND BODY ON MY SKINNNNNNNNNNN blurrycry

#

ive actually blocked people for saying they dont fw him bro

valid axle
#

i don't try hard enough

#

i never had

#

but if i just got with her

#

i think it'd give me the motivation to go that extra step

#

i feel i'm heartless

#

but that's only because she has my heart already

#

it just seems heartless because it only beats for her

valid axle
#

thousands of stars in the sky, and i was still staring at her

#

i knew so damn well that her eyes held universes

#

gn

valid axle
#

greatsword is so fun

#

i hit like 4 counters

#

and 2 power clashes

#

(basically when u perfectly time a parry you have a tug of war with the monster)

valid axle
#

we're gonna play again today

#

in like an hour

#

gonna finish some roblox escape rooms b_yum

valid axle
#

we did

#

from 5 till half 7 heh

#

i have something to talk abhout but i just dont feel like it yet sorry

#

my chest just hurts

#

thinking ab talking abt it

#

i'm ready

#

back when i first made my journal i wasn't really comfortable sharing the entire story behind some of my relationships

#

but oh well

#

somewhere around early october, i joined a discord server for fun

#

had cool people and all

#

and there was this girl bella

#

we talked a bit outside of the server but it wasnt much

#

sooner or later accusations went out about her with no evidence whatsoever and i found myself fighting basically the entire server because i knew they were wrong

#

i didn't care what side the majority was on, i cared about which side was right

#

so she got banned, i left and we got closer because she was really grateful for me sticking up for someone i knew for maybe a month

#

around november things really kicked off, we got way closer and then we were already in a relationship by december

#

december 25th was a day

#

she had like 5 whole paragraphs including one full of just what she liked about me and all that

#

i was probably the happiest at that point

#

like the happiest in a while

#

i was so convinced she was the most gorgeous girl i've ever met and i was so happy to get frequent photos from her

#

we matched, played roblox, did streaks and everything

#

things didn't take long to go downhill from there

#

what i thought was just a bullying type of love language was just mentally crushing me without me knowing

#

i had maybe a few ppl already telling me to break up but i wanted to prove to myself that i could tolerate being with her because i saw love through the imperfections

#

valentines day, february. she sent me a reel saying "me and (male best friend's name)" with a girl jumping up on a guy because they're happy to see each other

#

i was so miserable i lost my temper and told her my valentine's day is ruined and she had the audacity to cry about it after she did that to me

#

we broke up in april and we'd maybe try again, it didn't work. she blocked me, i came back, realised having her in my life wasn't suited for me and wished her the best before leaving for good.

#

i was still miserable though deep down

#

no matter where i go there's still some songs that remind me of her

#

actually entire artists

#

chase atlantic, odetari, the weeknd

#

i can't fucking listen to them because she comes right back to my mind

#

and i can't help but perfectly picture her face in all the photos

#

i was lucky to get with someone like her in the first place i told myself and i still blamed myself for everything

#

i still do sometimes but

#

deep down i don't think it's my fault

#

but up here on the surface i still find a way to tell myself i'm to blame

#

her friends hated me and called me a terrible boyfriend and it was because of that i started to lose hope

#

she was the first person who i ever cried in my bed about losing

#

i had so much hope but it could never work because she wasn't willing to change

#

as much as bella not being here anymore sucked

#

i hope this girl i'm trying with now can be what she couldn't

#

i should've left.

#

i was just so scared of losing her to someone else

#

her best friend was a guy, the person she hung out with most was a guy, she went to the birthday party of someone she rejected

#

and she's been asked out by a few ppl while we were together

#

i didn't deserve a relationship like this

#

i really just want to crawl up again and forget it for good

#

i didn't deserve

#

anything of what came to me

#

i really did try my best

#

she said she'll probably never date again

#

even after we broke up i stayed, and came back to her after

#

i was so willing to try again which i'd never done before

valid axle
#

she really did show me what it's like to be properly loved i just

#

i should have gotten her a ticket here js

#

saved her from the situation she is in rn

#

if i just had her HERE in my life

#

things would have been better but

#

i can't say that now that there's a new flower blooming in my life

#

a new chapter per say

valid axle
#

i've lost so many ppl this year

#

not to deaths just

#

ive said it a million times

#

fynn i just hope one day you'll see this and know no matter how much my relationships came back to haunt me i never wanted to choose them over you

#

it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault,

#

fynn

#

ever since i met you i always liked that name

#

you stood out the most to me from the 3 of you that i met at the party

#

as of now i wanted to watch more of your tiktoks but

#

i'm just afraid the things i feel right now will develop too quickly

#

fynn

#

we played that hospital game today

#

as of that moment i don't know how i feel towards you but i would totally say yes if you wanted a relationship

#

like absolutely 100%

#

in a blink

#

both of our close friends are dating too

#

wouldn't it be so cool if we could do double dates nd shit

#

i don't know if i could find another girl like you if i ever was rejected by you

#

i'm scared it's likely that i will be

#

if i do now

#

i love your hobbies and these feelings have sparked since we properly hung out

#

i just pray for this to work out

#

whether it's fate or god just one of the two please

#

let me have this one

#

i wont ask for anything again

#

you can give me the lowest paying job to make a living just please

#

let me have her

#

and if not then you simply don't exist

#

i refuse to believe the universe is a cruel place

#

no matter what's happening in the world, this isn't a punishment by it, it's a punishment by our own species

#

if it doens't work out

#

i want to grow wings and fly away

#

far from the world i'm living in now

#

i could never forgive myself for all the mistakes i've made

valid axle
#

that was a lot

#

sorry for u guys having to read all that

#

just know i'm fine and happy where i am now

#

and that the past is behind me

#

love u all gn

valid axle
#

ive had my phone on charge since like 10am bro

#

ITS GONE FROM 19% TO 12%

#

ITS PLUGGED IN BROOO

valid axle
#

gonna be way less active i think idk

#

or more

#

im gonna be at my aunts most of the week

#

doing cooking and shi

#

bbq too 🤑

last crater
valid axle
#

pull up heh

#

i dont rmemebrw aht we're doing tho

#

its prolly gonna be mostly meat

#

and learning seasoning