Lucine's Journal

[dim island]

Okay so like this is probably probably gonna sound weird to others but today I'm missing her even more

Me and S (initial of her name) have been breaking up MANY times and we got back together like 6 times. In 2022 3x , 2023 once, (2025) once. We didn't really feel like we loved each other less even though we broke up a good amount of times.

I can't remember why we broke up the 1st and 3rd time but I do remember the second, the 2nd time we broke up was because of her 'friend' J (I'm also using the initial this time, and I said friend like that because she faked his existence because in reality it was just her role playing as J, I found out just now in 2025 during our relationship now) going back to the topic, we broke up because of J telling me that I'm not treating her good enough and one day just began sending me angst videos of the characters she relates to, captioning them as 'you need to give her a hug when you meet her', and note : I was struggling with mental health everyday even at that time so I couldn't really provide her the best care and I will admit it, but is humiliation really necessary?. She also basically said that only J had the password to her account and that's why he was texting from her account instead of speaking up like a normal person in his own account, and to be honest I always found it weird when we were talking about J she kept saying that he doesn't have his own account since he doesn't use discord that often MEANWHILE he was texting me basically everyday with possible 1-2 week breaks. And we eventually broke up because I couldn't handle the humiliation I got from J anymore so I just gave up.

In 2023, we broke up because we just basically didn't feel as much as before. And that's it lmao

And now 2025 (preset).
We stopped talking for a while because of a drama but we eventually just became friends again. Our conversations began with awkward messages etc untill we became more comfortable and started flirting with each other again

When she admitted that she felt something for me, I still wasn't quite ready so I chickened out but eventually I said that i felt something for her too. We both knew we loved each other and started doing night calls and things partners would do, untill one random night she told me she fell in love with another girl L, and as guilty am I to admit it, I forced myself to say I'm still not ready for a relationship but it was quite obvious I felt hurt through my messages. But yk whatever she started dating L and called us 'friends with benefits'. Which made me truly hurt because what do you mean? After we flirted? After the night calls for straight 2 weeks? But whatever. Like do what you want, anyways like 4 weeks into the relationship or even 2 she started complaining to me about L , how dry she is etc, we basically shit talked her together for some reason and she was going along with it.

Skipping a bit of the story because I have a fuzzy memory and I forgot to mention it : Me and S used to be friends with V, but we fell apart made up, blocked etc

Anyways I was just introducing, going back to the point

After a long period of time, L broke up with S because she fell in love with someone else and I was seriously relieved because Me and Y (S's best friend) have been telling her to leave L for weeks. Shortly after the break up (like 4 days) me and S got together BUT kept it as a secret from L for like 2-4 weeks so she didn't mention me anywhere in bed status, profile etc. We just matched profile pictures and nothing more then then that. But after that we became more public etc and we were actually good couple! We started night calling each other again, and I was feeling like I'm in heaven, though I did feel like a toy when she made me the bare minimum saying that I'm on my knees for her and shit like that so yeah, but it kinda is my fault though because I was cheering her on everytime she sent a picture of herself, but whatever. We were a good couple despite the minuses

That was untill she started not texting me untill I texted her. And started texting her friends but not me, I waited for her to text me for 5 days once but didn't get anything but statuses related with her friends, and I shortly started suspecting her of cheating and my mental health worsened, I was basically paranoid at this whole situation because wtf why would she text your friends all day+ not hide the fact you're online from me too. I know she probably got used to the fact I text first but it would be good thing that she would texted me even once especially when I made statuses that are obvious I'm struggling etc and lyrics that specified I felt like I don't matter despite me trying to keep the relationship stable. But she still didn't care, then V (the girl I told you guys about earlier) reached out to me asking if I'm okay, I was genuinely surprised that she texted me first then my own girlfriend, so I told her about everything but I didn't vent. More like just let her know the situation, and one day she encouraged me to just break up with her and I let my emotions out, I did mention I feel like she's cheating on me and mentioned that I can't handle a relationship because of my mental health. But she just replied like she didn't care. "I'm sorry if I made you sad by not texting ml, no I didn't fall Inlove with anyone else. Infact, today was the first day I've talked to online friends since I've had too much school work recently, I have 5 projects due Monday 😭. Anyway, after Monday, I'm going to my dad's so we'll get to talk even more. I've been worried about your statuses but I didn't really want to mention it. So, feel free to text me about absolutely anything, I'll text you more, I promise" like I'm sorry I do understand. But she didn't text me normally for so long that I felt wasted. I was under pressure and I still am as I'm writing this so I just broke up with her here and then. And it would be okay if she didn't put statuses like 'lowkey miss E' '

And 'love how when I was talking to *** I remember E's voice' and 'my life's complete'. Sorry but at that moment I just felt like my heart sank and V texted me yet again so I just let her know the situation yet again. And she told me to just block her. And I did because I didn't know what to do at the moment and then V sent a message that was too far even for me at that situation. The next day S made Y invite me into a friend group that we all made and saying stuff like 'she's being a baby' to Y that didn't even know what's happening, I then started to calmly talk about it but she kept twisting my words and mocking me and shortly after told Y to kick me out, so I just left. Though I do wonder if there are two sides of the story, and I think we both did a mistake at this point

After that, S and Y blocked me and I felt guilty but V helped me with humor etc and I tried to act like it didn't affect me. Though it does affect me to this day, we have been broken up for 13 days yet I still miss her while she's probably out here not minding anything, everyday I'm forcing myself to not text her to at least explain my side of story and come to an understanding that I know we probably could come to if S tried to cooperate and then we can go seperate ways but at least not end this with hatred. I wish she would text me and there was no day I didn't think of her even 3 times

Also I'm still not over the fact we were supposed to live together, be soulmates, adopt animals, have a adopted child etc. And I do miss the night calls and when we used to say that a certain ship was us

The shirt, notes I wrote everyday for you when we started dating and the discord note I wrote but never showed you is still here (as a memory)

[dim island]

I never knew I'd relate to a dumb song this much

[dim island]

!! SH MENTIONS !!
My Grandma keeps taking mental health and me wanting to go to a specialist as a joke, it makes me want to puke thinking how she will reach to my scars

[dim island]

Maybe I should just text her explaining everything and then give up completely on everything

"Time will heal" I'll always love her

Forced jealous of couple that do night calls and don't feel like shit in their own relationship

Drawing characters that remind me of her feels so off nowadays because what do you mean I can't show it to her and make her happy again (ignore the fact it makes no sense, it's a doodle)

Well she was definitely right about me being touch starved, I want her to hug me right now so fucking much I can't do anything anymore but think of her

Today might be the day I'll give up and text her a big message. I don't care if she says 'I'm not reading all that' I want her to know I care

Despite the advice I got to leave it alone and we're meant to be broken up I can't just leave her like that

My heart aches too much to hear her voice again

Did she not support my needs and wants or did I just not respect her personal boundaries

That question probably will remain unanswered untill I over think again

Thank god I didn't go to school today I'd get scolded for not listening to class and drawing

Is it obvious that I miss her guys? I don't think so

I'll probably Yap more here in like 10 mins minimum I'll go back to drawing meantime trying to distract myself and shit lmao

I love my stupid ahh cat

[dim island]

Alright so I was right

I calmed down kinda

I'm probably just going to text her today actually (probably a bad idea but what ever)

I'll probably just do nothing this whole time but lay in bed so yeah

I love rotting in bed lmao

[dim island]

I relate to her sm iabsjdbekebriwbs

[dim island]

Wild how schools claim to be like a second home meanwhile i got SA'd here x1 and sexually harassed more then 7 times

But hey at least I know I look pretty enough lol

Also I cut my bangs a tiny bit too short I guess it fits me but I think my mom will mention it

Middle school is so selfish because tell me why did I see this drawing on a wall with my private info (on the back there was a text saying that I'm a slut and I have kids with my classmates that I never talked with and other weird shit. Shout out to them lmao)

They're so childish

Also the "ale mam duże" text is translated to "I have such big boobs" for English speakers checking my journal

Lowkey crazy LMAOO

I reported it to my teacher and she to this day didn't do jackshit and mind you it was probably not even reported to the principal

Crazy shit

[dim island]

Nvm fuck this if I'm going to keep missing her I'll never move on, Wish me luck

One last message wouldn't hurt, right?

[dim island]

So turns out she posted a WhatsApp story instead??

I didn't have to start first lmao

[dim island]

We explained the situation calmly. Time for me to finally move on

After 15 damn days

Finally

I felt myself cracking one by one everyday because of the no communication 😭

I'm getting better

But still I'll miss her

Maybe we can go back to being friends one day

I remember her saying we're soulmates.

Soulmates come in any shape of form

I'm so delusional I'm going along with it

S I'm so sorry I was at the wrong but I think we both were.

We're both toxic teenagers lol

She's less though she's not that toxic

Wtf am I saying

That's it I'm getting mad at myself

VAL STFU

WHATEVER I'LL JUST GO BYE GUYS

[dim island]

I feel sm better

I'm going shopping for art supplies etc, I might send a pic of what I bought LMAOO

[dim island]

Life nowadays is so boring

Like nowadays nothing is happening in the fandoms I'm in, in life etc.

The only new thing I'm doing is getting into a Good hygiene

I don't text my friend and ex and only irl friend these days

It might be boring but at least it's peaceful

Finally

Though I can't say I wish I would call someone and have them actually enjoy talking to me skbeidvjejbehs

I miss having 6 friends

And waking up to at least 1-2 messages

I don't want to rush things but sighh next school year I'm planning on changing schools and maybe I'll find some friends or a girlfriend there (since I'm lesbian there's no men option)

IABSISJSISHSBDJ I'll just try doing long crafts everyday

Like art, origami or something

Gotta distract myself and shit 😭🙏

ANYWAYS

I'm going to just go on Twitter and look thru my tl 💔 (no, not to goon)

Goodbye guys

(I miss my ex help)

[dim island]

I WANT FRIENDSS THAT KNOW VTUBERS AA@AAAAAA

[dim island]

AIRHEAD NOT TO GO ON.

GOON*

I PROMISE YOU

[gleaming bronze]

LOOL

[dim island]

I NEED butter chicken

Like rn

GOD

[dim island]

Uhhh hiiii guys

I wanna text my ex so fucking bad today

Especially after seeing some TikTok videos

LIKE

Me and her settled for not talking but gyatt damnn

I'M SO COOKED

I'M STILL NOT OVER HER JSBJDBDB

Being a lesbian ain't for the weak

Because it means not being able to be over your ex because of how ethereal they looked

And how kind they were

And how their personality fit sm with yours like

I probably sound so weird right now

But hear me out!

I love women

isbfidbfjbfjbdhsh there was sm better options for me to text her

Maybe we would have been still together if I handled that differently

Still it's so strange were not close anymore when we literally were so obsessed with each other

I literally would forgive her if she cheated on me and beat me up or something ... Am I cooked chat??

I don't know anymore 😭😭😭

I'm just obsessed for no reason at all

I need to get a therapist gyatt damn

Anywayssss kinda a little life update

So, I'm actually changing schools after vacation so I hope I don't get Sexually harassed anymore woohoooo

There will be one of my friends that I knew for over 8 years!

But she might ignore me quite often

Considering the way she is in groups

But whatever

At least I'll have something

It's been quite a while since I spoke here lol

Lucine's Journal

🫡

My mission is officially complete!

Goodbye guyysss, until next time

My DMS are always open if you guys want to vent or be my friend!

Ofc I might sometimes not reply to vents quickly became I'm quite literally dealing with kinda a shitty mindset rn but I'll try my best to help considering the fact I wanna be a therapist one day too so like, free training

ALR GOODBYE RN THIS TIME

Wait nvm

No goodbyes

[dim island]

I didn't change at all damn

Even though I'm on my diet (not any medical conditons dw, I just felt like going on a diet to not eat all the junk my mom gives me) I want butter chicken

This is how I fucking feel rn

Omfg I actually might need to eat something RNNN I got hungry

Brb I'll get some yoghurt

[dim island]

Just one more video because I bet you guys enjoyed that shi
(I RECOMMEND TO WATCH CLAUDE CLAWMARK RNN!!)

OMG actually I'll go watch him rn, he streams Valorant often so I recommend for the people who like the game lol

[dim island]

Uh I'm back

I ended up scrolling on tiktok instead

And I'm deeply disappointed

'Keep your legs closed if you don't want a baby' what if someone is freaky like that but can't even take care of themselves so how will they take care of a child 🧐

THAT'S STUPID LMAOOOO

Anywayyyyy

Yaoi & Yuri how much I love you

Actually I'm gonna go goon goodnight or afternoon or idk (not seriously goon)

I'm gonna act like these reactions weren't there

[dim island]

I'm back

I was cutting paper with a knife

And my mom suddenly came home

And she thought I was cutting something else then the paper 😭

I'm lowkey feeling guilty right now, I just wanted to cut paper in peace

It might be because I was listening to sad music too (I just like the sound of sad music, I don't only listen to it when I'm sad)

I might be cooked

Anyways I'm on the artist grind rn after a 4 week break

Though it's nothing impressive because I'm more of a anime art style girl

I like women

BUT DAMN ANIME MEN IN PAIN ARE SOMETHING!!

Hit me up Luka from the epic series alien stage

MY PRECIOUS SHAKIRA I LOVE YOU !!!!!!

How do I stop bedrotting send help

[dim island]

The urge to get back to self harm is getting stronger LMAOO

My ahh is never satisfied

Like ik my mom will be upset (I probably will not go back into it anyway) but gyatt damn

Being depressed in summer is crazy

Okay but seriously I don't know wtf is wrong with me lately, like I'm going to freely talk shit about myself atp

Like wdym my ass was purging when I'm insecure about my teeth, I'm basically not doing anything good about my appearance, the only good think is that I lost 10 kgs

But still in such a long time

Why tf can't I just tell my body to automatically make me weight 47 kilograms instead of 57

I'm not trying to blame anyone but those TikTok girls with a flat stomach will be the death of me

Let's just hope I'll see results from my diet in a week

Eating small portions but more regularly is actually good lmao

Makes me feel less guilty

About eating & automatically gaining weight

My mom ain't making my mental health better for shit tho lmao

She's only scared I'll cut myself again because 'others will see because I wear shorts 24/7 now and it's summer' probably

She's mostly afraid my dumbass dad & grandma will see it because my dad isn't w/ my mom anymore and blah blah blah he'll have more to say in court

'Welll... She cuts herself!! That's soooo fucked up! She wouldn't cut if you gave her a good home environment' 🥺🥺🥺 so sad.. Sad my ass wtf he's so fucking annoying even if I got attention 24/7 I'd still feel drained

I purged when I also received a lot of love from my grandma so I don't think anything would help me

Also my situation is bad at home only because of my mom's bf loll, or not bf since she claims him as a 'friend' proceeds to kiss him and play with my emotions when it comes to the whole situation

I won't be surprised if she kicks me out because he will do something to me lol, girl always takes his side too

Bro literally punched & kicked my cat just because it threw off a pan and she claimed that 'He said that he did it because the cat was doing' blah blah blah

Idgaf if he kicks the cat he might as well kick you 🤷‍♀️

The same goes with punching a wall, if he will punching the wall he'll punch you imo

I've already witnessed her being physically abused by her old boyfriend

& I was emotionally abused by him too lol

Whenever she wasn't home bro would get so fucking badly childish, throwing electronics in the water and saying he's calm like??????????????

And then they ask me why I hate men

(Before y'all jump me by reaction emotes, not all men but still I feel unsafe around all of them no matter if they're kind or not)

"It probably wasn't that bad!! You're being so fucking dramatic!!!!"
That's what he did when he was locked out of MY MOM'S house

(That's the doorbell)

That's crazy IMO.

He only got 2 years in prison too

When he literally took my phone away so I wouldn't call the police during his arguments with my mom (where he destroyed our furniture etc.)

In my country that's supposed to be 4 years I think???

5-8 years actually

I still remember that one night bro decided to try to open the door with a screwdriver & one day locked us all in a room , I fr thought I'll die because he threw the key out of the balcony lmao

(My mom's room was connected to the balcony)

Okay that's enough of my rant for now, I just am still recovering even though it's need 11 months or so

[dim island]

I'M OVERJOYED, MY FAVORITE BOYS

I feel like such a weirdo because I made 50% of my phone Japanese

[dim island]

I LOVE WOMEN

Bye

[dim island]

Everytime I'm smiling and shi I remember the time I let myself get sexually assaulted by a random classmate and sexually harassed also by him and his 4-5 friends w/o telling anyone

Stupid ahh

The worst thing is I reported it like 2 weeks before school ended and my mom is too lazy to even drive me to school so YEAHH I didn't have the chance to report to the therapist that they returned to class smiling

Though it wouldn't do anything

Thank god I'm changing echools

Schools*

Goddamn waitt chat

I'm going on Twitter bai
(Not to goon pls, I'm a vtuber fan 😭, I'm going to check interactions between livers & fan art)

[dim island]

I miss my gf that isn't my gf but was my gf

I need coffee but my mom only got hot chocolate but it'll make me feel fat + I'm not allowing myself any sugar now

MANNNNN

Someone fucking kill me already

I NEED caffeine

Caffeine pills are a life saver

I love life

[dim island]

I need coffee

[dim island]

i HATE IT when someone tells me to do a basic thing for them like putting their bag away or turning off the lights and then they start saying shit like "thank you, i was too weak to do it!" bitch I'm literally on the edge of fainting because of my low iron and weak body because of my diet, TF do you think II feel

Like omfg just because your feet hurt doesn't mean you're weak, you can do it

ALSO I HAVE SM SHIT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT, BUT TBH MY DAD AIN'T THE GREATEST EITHER LIKE TF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN MY 2 GRANDMAS, DAD, UNCLE ETC ARE THE WORST FUCKING PEOPLE ON EARTH😭

I fear I'm cooked

My grandma nr1 (because she's my grandma's 2 mom) (I'm naming her nr1 because she's older because she's her mom ofc, she came first) has Alzheimer's too so it just makes me rage even more that I have to repeat 10 times what I was saying and that mostly is important information

She'll soon start to forget me tho

She already is forgetting that I'm on my diet and I don't live with my dad

And keep in mind I don't life with my dad for like 2 years or 3

[dim island]

Omfg I'm actually tired of being ruled around, I was literally sleeping and my mom decided to wake me up by screaming my name and telling me to open the door for my grandma I'm literally sleep deprived and on the edge of fucking screaming at her , I literally stood up dizzy as fuck because I stood up too fast and I literally felt like I'm about to faint, I literally asked her if she's hurt anywhere and she said "no" bitch then why are you making ME do it you literally know my body's weak because I barely eat and everything fucking hurts to OPEN THAT DAMN FUCKING DOOR AND she had the fucking nerve asking me "what did you do all night" when I told her I didn't sleep almost the whole night, I think it was obvious I was trying to sleep but in this fuckass mindset I can't do shit, someone shoot me please

Now I'm forced to fucking go out of my house with like only half a hour of additional sleep with the 4 hours I had already, keep in mind I didn't sleep well most of the days too because of my fucking positions or me just being unable to

The urge to just
https://tenor.com/bj7A6.gif

The fucking link sent

Whatever

I'm done With ranting for this morning I think unless something DECIDES to happen

[dim island]

Twitter is becoming too real nowadays even though it looks cringe af

Tbh I'm tried of being kind sometimes like 😭😭 but when I'm not kind people will hate on me more

Well shit

That's an endless loop LMAO

Also, SHE'S SOOO FINEEEEEEE
I wish she wasn't in a problematic game tho

I'm forgetting to eat so often I will actually tweak tf out because that just makes my mom say that I'm starving myself more like

Okay guys I figured something out, I will not eat anything for the next hour (it's like 14 hours into the day for me 😭) and THEN I will eat at my grandma's house since she keeps nagging me about going to her to eat something

That's gonna be my only meal for the day though because my grandma adds A LOT and I mean A LOT of oil everywhere

And like half a small cup of oil is like 100 calories and I allow myself like maximum 600 calories per meal

On my diet ofc

I lost a lot of weight though so I'm proud of myself for that, I went from like 67.9 kgs to 50+ kgs (i need to check again but it's def around 50 because when I last checked it was 54) so fast YIPPIEE

Idk my metabolism but I think it's normal, like I surely don't have either but my body's maybe just built different since I was on my diet for like 3 weeks by now?

Anyways, ever since vacation started

Oh and also just incase, I actually didn't get the option to choose if replies are allowed or not to this thread, but I'd appreciate it if you guys instead of texting here you would DM me instead LMAO

[dim island]

I forgot what I was about to say

Oh i remembered

Never mind I didn't

[dim island]

I just now returned home and there are gangsters, police and a drunk man sleeping in front of my house..

WTF IS THIS LOCATION HELLO

I THOUGHT WE WERE CHILL

[dim island]

I'm thinking about that one moment I was in my native language's class

And like behind me there are 2 of my classmates that I like , like to the point I would befriend them

And the lesson didn't start yet, we were just in class waiting for the bell to ring (we waited for like 4 mins)

And I overheard my male classmate saying "I cut myself with a knife"... I kid you not I was about to cry for my classmate for the first time. So of course my other classmate (which I'll just call female classmate) yelled "what? Why did you do that?"

I was so close to asking him if everythings okay but I'm the quiet weird kid to I just stared into my notebook (I prepared the lesson and topic thing already)

And at that moment TBH I could've done that but then when they began talking about it turns out he meant with a paper knife..

And omfg I was literally on the edge of depression already , like I was literally so close to comforting him at that point but GODDD

I was like 1 month clean at the time too so that just made me shiver for a minute

I wish I didn't come to school that day because now I'm here wondering if my male classmate is making fun of sh or something

Oh and also

I'm sometimes wondering if I seem like I'm older than I am to other people when they read my journal, like am I too young to suffer with a eating disorder, self harm, emotional abuse, sexual assault & harassment and homophobia at the age of 13 so far?

I don't know

Whatever

Also before someone babies me, I promise my birthday is in December, I could be 14 by now

babying is so shitty tho so actually don't do that to anyone guys

Like Me, strangers, family members etc

To babies & animals that's a exception though

Holy Yap I talk so much 😭😭

[echo shard]

I would say it's too young, normally you would be chilling and enjoying life at this age but you are exposed to the adult world at such a young age, you've endured things that some adult haven't ever experienced, you suffered without others seeing it, I hope you are doing better and I am proud of you for pushing forward despite your adversities

[dim island]

My great grandma was offended I took my legs off the couch so she told me to put them back on etc, and when I didn't she started to touch my butt to tease me, not a little tap but literally she touched it. I wouldn't be so angry if only I didn't remember the situation I had in 7th grade when I got SA'd by my classmate, I yelled and her to not touch me especially here, now she's sad and I'm too angry and sad to apologize. Not only that, my grandma said "maybe he liked you" when I told her about the SA. I'm currently in the bathroom idk what the fuck I'm supposed to do because surely my mom won't pick me up anytime soon and now I'm a rude & overreactive granddaughter. I'm so fucking done of being reminded of my every single fucking SA and trauma at this point I wish I didn't exist like what the fuck

I don't know why I'm so violent like omfg someone kill me

[dim island]

OMFGGG I WAS AT A THRIFT STORE AND I SAW ANOTHER GIRL MY AGE WITH HER FRIEND AND SHE HAD GENSHIN MERCH. IT WAS LITERALLY THE ONLY DAY I LEFT MY ROBIN FROM HSR KEYCHAIN HOME

I'M GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEE

I put my robin keychain and Luka pin on rn...

I'm not finna miss out on the chance to interact with cool people

Alright I put my luka & hyuna pins and robin keychain on

I'm finna sob she was so cool 😭

[dim island]

IM NOT GOING ON TIKTOK EVER AGAIN.

I ACCIDENTALLY SENT A SHIP VIDEO TO THE CREATOR OF THE EDIT INSTEAD OF MY FRIEND.

THE CREATOR IS MY MUTUAL....

OMFGGG

I HATE MY LIFE!!!

IT'S SO LAME

GODDAMN IT

WHY

I'M SO EMBARRASSING

EMBARRASSED

I CAN'T DELETE IT FOR BOTH OF US EITHER!!!

FUCKKKK

I'M NEVER GOING ON TIKTOK AGAIN

I'M GOING ON INSTAGRAM REELS FROM NOW ON

I HATE TIKTOK

FUCK YOUU

I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO COOL TOO AND I WAS TRYING TO BE ALL NONCHALANT AND SHIT

LIKE OMFG

I WAS SO WHIMSICAL YET I HAD THAT NONCHALANCE

I HATE TIKTOK AND MYSELF FOR NOT CHECKING WHO I WAS SENDING THE VIDEO TO!!!!

TIKTOK FUCK YOU FOR CHANGING THE POSITIONS

OF MY FRIENDS PFP.

FUCK YOU

This journal made me realize how many things are happening in my life gyatt damn and I thought it was boring 😭😭

NOT THE JOURNAL THING I MEAN MY LIFE

NO OFFENSE

OMFG I NEEDED TO MUTE THE NOTIFICATIONS FROM TIKTOK BECAUSE GYATT DAMN I KNOW SHE'S NICE AND KIND ETC (THE CREATOR BECAUSE I INTERACTED WITH HER ONCE BEFORE) BUT OMFGGG

Okay I think I need to calm down chat

Okay good bye I'm leaving this for y'all and I'm off for this night

[dim island]

Uh guys nvm it's not over for tonight

I've been chatting with my best friend and SHE KEEPS TYPING FOR SO LONG..

I'm scared

She said like give me 5 minutes , it's been 7 and idk what to expect,a love confession or admiration letter or a "fuck you for some reason idk I hate you" letter💔

MAN

Or she just accidentally left her phone while she was typing something

Idk man

[dim island]

Uh actually it is 4 minutes, I'm so bad at math

OMG SHE WAS WRITING THE I LOVE YOU PERCENTAGE THING THAT GOES LIKE I LOVE YOU 1% AND THEN GOES ON AND ON 😭😭

That was cute but I was prepared for so may different things gyatt damn

Uhh guys I don't think that shit is platonic no more

[dim island]

I'm starting to get better

Idk what more I have to say tbh, it's only that

[dim island]

I love my bsf guys if you already didn't notice, this is literally me and her

[dim island]

i don't know but I think I'm not worthy of feeling pain, or anything at all
I just want to not experience emotions but that's impossible based off my personality and shit like that

Man okay I'm going to forget about the past and focus on my life right now because I feel like I'm not moving forward in life or going backwards either

WTF MY KITTY KEEPS MUNCHING ON MY HAIR

DUMBASS

He fell asleep on my hand like two days ago and I'm still having cuteness aggression like OMFGGG

HE'S SO PRECIOUS

But stupid

But that's natural for ginger cats I guess

Also so like, a little life update
I'm learning to love myself and I developed a HUGE interest in thrifting clothes, they got the best things in thrift stores than more professional & 'advanced' shops do

And also I don't feel replaced in any way when it comes to my bsf so it's something new lmao

I finally found the right person

To befriend

She's also the only person I showed my face to online since I trust her enough and she never made me feel threatened in like 3 months of our friendship

Though I do feel sorry for her because she suffers with sh and ed too

I stalked her reposts and omfg

I'm actually crying she deserves the world

Though yesterday when I was telling that she did the percentage thing (that was cute) she did tell me she lost 3kgs on her diet

Though I'm jealous

I lost 3kg in 3 weeks but still

I'm stuck on my 54kgs

I'm scared I'll get chubbier and gain 1kg

Though it's normal for my height apparently when I was talking to others. (I'm 169/170 or around that)

I'll check if I got shorter or something

Okay I checked on my wall, I didn't lose or gain any height

ALR WHATEVER

I'll go back to my own business

There you go guys before I go I'll leave a gift

[dim island]

Oh my fucking god.

It's my name day (we celebrate it in Poland) today and my grandma decided to call my mom drunk when she had eyes that just looked like she's overwhelmed, well obviously she is because she has a tiring job

Now my day is practically ruined

Well shit

This family fucking sucks

I hate everyone here except my mom

The fact my mom's sister told her in the face "which drugs are you on" some days ago too.

That's fucked up because she literally hates alcohol with all her heart because of my & her abuser and my father

And she most definitely hates drugs too

Now my mom is planning to move into a different voivodeship

[dim island]

I comforted my mom, I feel better now

Maybe therapy really is the job for me

UGHH I LOVE HELPING PEOPLE

[dim island]

Erm... Akshually guys my day isn't ruined, I'm gonna spend my day with my auntie, auntie's son & possibly daughter and my mom

When I mean I love my family I mean these 4 btw

The initials N , A, M and K are the most precious to me

I love life

[dim island]

Oh my god I just had the worst dream ever that my mom was planning to commit

I can't stop thinking about it

It's the first time ever I cried in a dream I fear

I'm going back to sleep that DIDN'T make me refreshed like sleep is supposed to

Gn

[dim island]

I'm alright now but still now I'm scared 😭 send help that was a one whole ass nightmare

[dim island]

I almost fainted a literal second ago

Oh my god I could've swore I couldn't see anything for a second

My condition is getting sm worse, my low iron isn't like this, it's just like that for like 2 seconds but now it lasted for like a minute, it went from my normal blurring to like fully blurring my vision I almost couldn't see my mom's silhouette or anything

I don't know if it's the food shortage I have for the last 2 days I have just messing with me or something

But I actually don't have ANY appetite "just eat more" I literally can't without spitting it out because it's too sweet, too salty, the texture is off or I just don't feel like eating and then end up like today where I almost didn't eat anything, I literally don't know if I should force myself to eat or something because I do NOT want to faint because then my mom would be disappointed in me and things like that

I'm tired from today but I didn't do anything all day, just be annoyed, stay in bed or go to fix my hair or chuckle or something

I'm just going to go distract myself by reading a manga or something, that's enough of my yapping for today I hope

I wish I could be normal again but I just can't

Actually never mind, it's not enough of my talking

I've actually never wanted to disappear more in my life, I need to be alone but it's too late to go out or do anything at all, I can't lock myself in the bathroom either because then I'll probably get stuck because the lock is fucked

I literally need to be alone but I can hear my mom and my aunt and her daughter and her friend talking I'm actually drained asf

Someone just kill me this can't be how life is for me

I know something is wrong with me, but I don't know what

I've never been diagnosed by a therapist for autism, BPD ADHD or anything related to that but I just know something is wrong with me, but I'm never going to self diagnose

Oh my fucking god everything is the worst at the moment

Someone shoot me

I can't even distract myself anymore lmao

I wish I could lock myself in a small space that I can unlock anytime but there is at least peace and silence

Omfg I just want silence but also my headphones aren't cancelling noise

And they're probably out of their battery percentage

I'm scared if I go to therapy the therapist will be concerned for me knowing what I'm experiencing most of the time like those videos say

That's also stopping me from getting a therapist

And also my mom's financial status

Whatever I need to calm myself down but I can't even do this

I shouldn't be stressing but I'm actually on the edge of crying like omfg

I feel both emptiness and my eyes getting ready to cry

I'll try to distract myself AGAIN and then if it doesn't work I'll make myself coffee

Just to make myself busy

Even for a short period of time

[dim island]

I just heard the worst thing ever

My mom's friend says that they know when I ate or not

Because my eyes flicker when I'm lying about eating

😭

I barely even lie

It's not like I can control how I'm eating with this dumbass mindset and appetite, the only way for me to eat like they want me to eat is forcing myself and then possibly having the urge to throw up or starve because I hate feeling full

I'm eating a slice of pizza rn and it's making me grossed out but my aunt, my mom's friend and my mom are all looking at me like

Whatever

Gn to anyone who's reading this

Or gm

Idk

Wait a damn second

I forgot to mention

When I went to the toilet with the plate to get some paper to absorb the oil if there's any they thought I'm going to flush the slice... I'm getting scared of what they think I'll do next

I'd rather feel fat then clog the toilet and feel guilty afterwards

[dim island]

I'm now basically a bad influence to my aunt's daughter, I said I don't want to eat (since I'll possibly feel bad with myself again) and now she doesn't want to eat either. I have a feeling they want me to eat just because of my aunt's kids at this point, I just want to feel peace for once, ever since I developed this dislike for food I just started avoiding some of the food but still ate some fruits and salads, now I'm basically living on gum, water and a sausage or something that random that gets into my head because I'm too lazy to do anything else. Even if I wish I could eat normally like I did, I can't without feeling pure disgust and then anger if someone offers me any type of food, not just sweets

I'm just scared if I'll start eating a dish I'll end up liking it and lose control and eat it fully and then regret everything

I can't even brush my teeth anymore without reminding myself of the time I forced myself to throw up

Okay I need to calm down

I'll go for now

[dim island]

Okay she ate a crossaint or whatever you call it with white chocolate in it, I'm feeling better now lol

[dim island]

Hearing people saying "thank you" to me makes me so happy

I'm so happy to help anyone

[dim island]

My each day I understand even more why my intuition told me to choose her route in the game, she's so precious to me oh my god

[dim island]

There's nothing I hate more then my mom's friend asking me if I ate... It's so annoying because when I tell him I did he stares at me like he knows something, If I didn't eat I would say no
I can eat whenever I want, I can control myself

My whole personality can't just be "starving herself", even my mom told my grandma about this and it's so infuriating I can't

How am I supposed to recover from this when I can't stop getting reminded of it

"He's just worried about me" he ain't my dad, if he was I'd be even worse because I despise my dad

I still remember the time he said "fine, I'll kill myself" when I literally just told him about the things he did to me when he was drunk

He doesn't have to make me feel guilty for that too, I already have a lot on my mind

[dim island]

Omfg I hate last minute plans "we're going to ____ for breakfast tomorrow!!" STFU I DON'T WANT TO (This didn't come from my mom btw)

I didn't even get to prepare mentally or anything

I hate this and they think it's the best way to make me go somewhere

Just because I seem vulnerable doesn't mean I'll go whenever I'm 'invited'

Idgaf

Don't take advantage of my 'vulnerability'

I surely won't obey whatever the fuck I'm told to do

Unless you're my mom, that's the only exception

I'm not in the mood and my mental health is getting worse everyday so why do they expect sm from me

I don't even have power to get out of bed

Whatever I'm definitely not going tmmrw tho because they could've told me 4 days ago

[dim island]

I wish I was 49kgs

Only 5/4 kgs to go

Though I'm unable to weight myself nowadays

Because my mom never checks her weight so we don't have a scale

But I'd do so everyday istg

I can never get enough of weight loss, whenever I lose some weight I feel fat again because I still have a stomach even though it's small

I just have to keep up what I'm doing for like a month or two

I hope it'll work

Also, I love Yuri 🙏

I'm doing everything to lose more weight but I end up looking fat all over again because of my bigass shoulders

Can someone kill me idgaf

[dim island]

I woke up like 3 hours ago and I'm shaking sm I barely even ate anything, just gum basically and dietetic bread

Send help istg

And also, I got jaehee's bad ending where jumin crashes 707's car

It hurts so bad knowing I'll get the bad ending

Damn

SHE'S NOT MAKING IT ANY BETTER EITHER I ADORE HER

[dim island]

I'm actually going to kill myself

My mom's friend brought his children over and they're LOUD AF AND KEEP FUCKING TOUCHING MY CAT WHILE IT DOESN'T WANT TO EVEN INTERACT WITH THEM??

They'll be back by the fucking afternoon

It is morning

Omfg

I'm so overstimulated

I have a urge to grab the blade again after 4/5 months istg I hate their bitchasses especially the fact me and my mom were supposed to live alone not have mfs over for DAYS

I give up on everything atp I thought I was getting better but ofc this shit has to happen when I finally feel better

For fuck's sake I'm actually pissed off, I'm going to go to the toilet and if they try to touch my ass or comment on my face or something I WILL yell at them idgaf

"B-but they're kids! They're younger than you!" She's 8 years old for fucks sake she should know manners

[dim island]

Omfg I just found out they're gonna sleep here today too. (The kids)

I'm actually gonna pick up the blade omfg I feel too much emotions and worries they don't even fucking know why I don't like them

Literal SA happened lol idk if I'm being over dramatic tho.

And then they commented on my nose like I didn't fucking feel anything

I'm going to fucking starve till I die I can't do this, I actually can't

Please kill me actually I'm so desperate

Omfg

Distractions don't even work fr, I keep sexualizing myself which just makes me worse

And to add ED and suicidal thoughts that's a fire combination LMAO

The fucking urge to relapse is the worst I hate it I thought I was over it already. 5-6 fucking months just for me to fantasize about it again

[dim island]

Not to mention my nose ISN'T bad at all now that I fr looked into my side profile

I don't want to hear any voices of those people or even feel anything, but here I am ofc going to feel everything at once

I'm fucking pathetic LMAO

Okay I'll quit complaining

For now at least because knowing me I'll be depressed again in like 2 hrs

Or even 1

LMAOOOOOOO

[dim island]

That damn thumbs up

Also, I got full from a sip of flavored water

I feel OBESE

😭😭

Okay guys my mom just confronted me about going to the hospital and fainting

Because I only ate a gum today, but I don't even feel the need to eat anything because my organism is used to that

Like a 2 gums only or one small meal

Idk

[dim island]

I love Jirai danshi yaoi

[dim island]

My mom is threatening me that she'll send me to a hospital for 3 days and keep talking about me being anorexic, I'm definitely not just because I'm trying to get my body goal omg

I might eat 1/2 small meals a day instead of 4 or nothing at all but gum all day but hwjshsushehdh

I'm comfortable with that

My aunt also said that she was sent to the hospital because she was anorexic , idk what to think anymore

Anorexic or not, I want to keep this diet because there's no way I'm still fat after losing that much weight

Omg

I ordered a hula hoop that like has a ball attached to it so no one will brag me about the fact I don't exercise after each meal.. (My grandma's boyfriend, I'm looking at you)

Damn my throat is a fucking hell it hurts and is sore after me drinking water 😭

For fucks sake I hate this body esp because I'm so sensitive I get bruises from a small hit

(From a kid during a play fight)

I have like 2 on my legs rn

Goodbye chat

Don't forget to read peak yaoi on X (Twitter)

[dim island]

Everything hurts omfg

I can't find a comfortable laying position

And anything comfortable to do on my phone

I'll look thru Twitter atp

Nvm I want to throw up so badly but I know nothing will come out anyway

My stomach isn't accepting me eating atp

My whole own body isn't accepting me even breathing LMAO

I'm so uncomfortable & nauseous omg

[dim island]

I'm changing schools after vacation and I'm feeling like I wanna be EDGY af

So I decided that I'll be mixing some alt clothing and be nonchalant AF and be prepared to be bullied because I won't be in the same group as my friend since 2nd grade because I'm extremely good at english and somehow passed PE so...

at least I'll try to make some friends tho

Because my ass is NOT surviving the school year if I'm getting bullied for breathing again

I'll need to practice my make-up though because I was definitely bullied for that shit too because I wasn't wearing any make-up while being lowkey fat the whole like 7 years or so

Though the only shit I wear (to please myself) while I'm home all day is mascara and it's okay I guess, though my concealer (that I only apply on my eye bags and nose and like eyelids because it looks good that way and occasionally other places on my face) is making me shine too much these days so I guess I'll just stick with mascara only because my skin is good actually when I'm not about to have my period

Because when I'm heading that way I'm getting 2-3 pimples on the weirdest places on my damn face

I had one NEAR MY EYE AND CLOSE TO MY NOSE and I looked like a damn witch

Anyways , I didn't do anything today but nearly faint and feel nauseous & guilty & fat & scared because of the hospital situation since I have healed scars from sh on my thigh and I was scared they'll do some investigation and see that shit 😭

I have some on my ankles too but like the left one is still kinda visible but not that much, only when you look close and the right one is completely healed

So I'm lowkey scared

LIKE

Okay nvm

Now I'm scared to get a girlfriend

Because what if I change my clothes in front of her and forget about that shit

AND SHE'LL LOOK INTENSELY ON MH FUCKING THIGH AND SEE THAT SHIT AND TELL HER WHOLE FRIEND GROUP AND MOM AND MY MOM EVEN THOUGH SHE KNEW AND MY DAD??? (HELL NO MY DAD IS THE LIMIT HE'LL SEND ME TO THE MENTAL HOSPITAL SHE AIN'T MEETING HIM EVER)

OH MY GODDDD

I'M NEVER CHANGING CLOTHES IN FRONT OF SOMEONE, THE BATHROOM IS THE BEST OPTION

Omfg

I'M NEVER GETTING A GIRLFRIEND

THAT SHIT NEVER GOES AWAY EITHER

WHAT IF I ADOPT A FUCKING CHILD WHEN I GET A GF AND EVERYTHING OR SOMETHING AND THEY ASK ME WTF IS THAT SHIT

NO

My damn bloodline is ending here anyway because I'm a only child and a lesbian, and nvm I don't have to worry about the child shit because I would just give them a bad childhood and traumatize them for life because of my damn personality and patience level

Whatever

Now I remembered that one ex I had that told me that we'll get adopt a child when I'm 27........

I never wanna go thru that again

And we planned a marriage and all that shit too

And we said all that when we broke up like 4-5 DAMN TIMES ALREADY

It all happened like in 2021 and ended this year in july

Gyatt damn

I need to stop giving chances unless they're actually willing to change

And like are all lovey dovey and shit

What tf am I thinking about actually

Sorry guys I'm saying whatever is on my mind because my brain isn't working rn, my head neck and back and all that shit hurts and my brain is nonexistent actually

I love gay people

Damn my stomach is BIG AFF

idk what I'm supposed to do gang

My aunt told me my diet isn't going to help me with my stomach and now I can't stop thinking about it

I'll just have to wait till the hula hoop arrives ig

[dim island]

It did help a bit tho stop lying to me OMGGGG

My male grey cat is so ugly

Omg

DUMBASS

HE'S FUCKING DEMONIC

HE SCRATCHED MY ASS

I'm so bored

I feel the need to eat but it's past the time I can eat already

Omfg

I'll be waking up with a sore throat LMAO

[dim island]

I woke up in the middle of the night and ended up showering LMAO

I was right about the sore throat tho

It hurts like hell , now I need to wait till the day to do something about it

LMAO whatever

I love doing shit in the middle of the night

[dim island]

HELLOO

it's like the morning rn but now I have no appetite.

Bitches don't realize how hard this shit is because how the fuck am I supposed to please my multiple people irl and my stomach without gaining weight

Like I don't wanna force myself

I'm so lazy to stand up I won't do anything today I fear

[dim island]

I straightened my hair and put on mascara somehow

I'm dizzy still

It's like this every day

I sometimes can't even see anything for 10 seconds, like those colourful shit is all over the place

[dim island]

Omfg I'm gonna kill myself

I ate something but just now realized that it's been FOUR hours till I last ate, not 6-7. I looked at the damn clock wrong

Kill me pls

Omg

I should've just ate gum

Tomorrow I'll live on gum and water and I better remember that shit

I fr feel so fucking wasted

I'm going to gain weight faster than lose it

The fucking food noise is back here I literally want to throw it all up

But some people decided to also be home with me.

I'm never going to recover mom & aunt, I'd rather die then gain weight idc if I'll die , I have to die weighting at least 45kgs

Nvm, my goal is 40

Omfg

I wish I could go back in time and starve

I want to fucking overdose omg

[dim island]

I miss my ex again

That July break up was INSANE

[dim island]

Gm

I love male vtubers being turned to females

In fan art

I feel dizzy af I can't straighten my hair LMAO

I'll force myself tho

I did it but got severely interrupted by my mom so now I don't think I'll do anything for now because I can barely stand up without my vision blurring

Whatever

[dim island]

Whenever I feel fat I like to remind myself all the clothes that were too tight or were perfect now are too big for me, THOUGH THE WORST FUCKING PART IS THAT MY SHORTS ARE TOO BIG TOO NOW SO I HAVE TO KEEP CORRECTING THEIR PLACEMENT 💔💔

My shirts are too big too now so I basically look like I'm more fat then I am

OKAY ACTUALLY HELP I'M TIRED, I'M GOING THRIFTING IN A WEEK THOUGH SO WISH ME LUCK 🙏

I'm interested if I'm M or S now

Idk

I'm most interested if I can fit in XS though

We'll see

Though I think I already did but I wanna see twice

[dim island]

I ate my first snack (aka normal food that isn't gum) of the day, it tastes like shit but whatever makes me skinny ig

In 40 mins I won't be able to eat anything anymore so I had to go fast

I had a craving for an apple but we didn't have shit

[dim island]

My boy lowkey tea............

I still wanna lose more weight tho

Turns out it was just the clothes I was wearing

I feel more confident at least lol

And I decided I'll just wear a belt

Untill I go thrifting

[dim island]

Last meal of the day, ofc I'm gonna exercise after this, I exercise after every meal LMAO

It looks so gross ew

IN REAL LIFE IT LOOKS BETTER I PROMISE.

IT'S HEALTHY GUYS DON'T JUDGE

🙂‍↕️

(That is NOT yoghurt)

[dim island]

Girl it's not sperm either

Anyways guys I finished my exercise

YIPPIE

Oh how I love male vtubers being turned into females in fan art

I think I'm just lesbian

Idk why but I cannot find them as men attractive, I only find males that look like females in media 😭

I lowkey wanna exercise more..

WTF WAS THAT

I SAW THAT

Oh alright

Omfg whenever I keep trying to know why am I doing this or that and that often I KEEP SEEING EATING DISORDER SHIT I promise I'm recovering guys LEAVE ME ALONE

I'M GONNA CRASH OUT

One of the things I love about being polish is understanding Czech in a lot of circumstances

Omfg I just realize I change topics so often

WTFF

okay guys bye I'm gonna go text with my I don't know whatever the fuck they're but I guess best friend 😭

IDK WHAT WE'RE SOMETIMES?? LIKE ENEMIES, LOVERS OR WHAT???

Whatever guys

[dim island]

Nvm, I'm not recovering from eating disorder

It's just getting worse

I just wasted food, again. By splashing dish soup on it

I wanna starve again no matter how much weight I lose

I wish I could have a perfect body

If starving myself is what I have to do to achieve it, I'm always prepared for that sacrifice

I do feel sorry for my mom though, she wouldn't want me doing this shit.

Especially since the day I almost fainted

ANYWAY, I LOVE MY OSHIS

I'm gonna kill myself LMAO

OMG THE BEST TIMING MY BSF HAS GOTTEN, I'M STUCK WITH A PFP I DON'T LIKE AGAIN, SHE LITERALLY JUST SENT ME THE PIC LIKE "change your pfp" LIKE HELLO????

[dim island]

I tried bake something but I forgot name, anyway the damn power went off and just stayed like that when it comes to the kitchen, I didn't know it wasn't on either because I never used a oven before, I waited literally 20mins just for it to still be raw 💔💔

[dim island]

I just took a 3 hr nap...

I was supposed to eat smth else then a small baked good 😭

But now it's too late because of my diet

He looks so scary tf

[dim island]

It was plain btw, not with chocolate or anything like that in case someone thought I cheated on my diet LMAO

[dim island]

That's my mom I fear (good tho)

[dim island]

Gm

[dim island]

OMG GUYS.

WAITT

Okay nvm

She put me in a slideshow where you say your favorite things and stuff and on the 'crush' slide she put me

But turns out she put it just so it's there

She's giving me mixed signals and all that shit but I'm happy to be included

I guess

I expected a different kind of conversation

Sigh

At least they're lowkey like me and her I guesss

Wtv

I'm disappointed but I expected this to happen honestly

This sucks

Sighhhhh

Waiting for a confession instead of saying or hinting heavily is tiring

I can't wait to meet her though

I'm scared we'll be one of those people that love each other when they're speaking online but hate each other when they're doing something irl so we'll drift apart

[dim island]

good morning guys

[dim island]

Hellooo

It's already night for me

And I don't have anything to talk about but the fact I'm waiting for Wuthering waves to load for me so I can play it again 😭

[dim island]

That shit won't let me play

I waited 4 hours for it to load just for my data to be shit 😭

WHATEVER

[dim island]

HELLOOOO

I didn't do shit today

But uh

My package came in

So yeah!!

Right now I'm doing line art for my art

And I don't have anything to tell you guys

Other then the fact that I think that the ED really was necessary for me.. 😭😭

I used to snack on a 1200 CALORIE XXL CHOCOLATE BAR???

like

Oh my goodness gracious

Miku pens.

Exactly bro

🤤

[dim island]

I can't use my damn smart hula hoop 😭😭

Me when my bsf real

[dim island]

Ame.

I love dropping my purchases here randomly

There are some imperfections here and there on that thing

But it's bearable

I'm becoming addicted to shoppinh

I need to have something on my way 24/7

GRAHHH

The urge to buy most of the gooner female figures and save them from creeps that will drop their mayonnaise on them is getting so much stronger

[dim island]

Uhm guys

Nvm I forgot

[dim island]

I FUCKING LOVE BEING INSANE

Aka nothing serious

I just spent my whole savings on anime and other stuff though

So that's what my grandma could call me

[dim island]

I'm genuinely fucking tired

You guys know my best friend right

I talked about her quite a bit

But anyways, starting from the start

We've been best friends for like 4 years and I seriously though we had something going on you know, since she made a slideshow with her friend that had a slideshow that said "your crush" and she put me there, so of course I asked her about it in a gentle way you know so if she has feelings for me she doesn't feel like she's rushed or anything, but also I didn't imply that she does need to have feelings for me and I was just happy and surprised to be there etc

And she answered with "I put that just so it's there"

So of course I took it as a mixed signal

But now I at least know why she doesn't mean anything seriously

So, like yesterday she talked to me about how others want me in the server her cousin made because I don't know they just wanted me there to talk I guess and get to know each other

And when she asked me in that server what am I doing I said "looking through the chats" because I was like looking for the moment where they want me there because she definitely said that lmao, and she replied with "don't it's not worth it" or something like that

And like I get it she herself told me her friends are weird etc and spam a lot

But I think it had a deeper meaning LMAO?

So like today I searched my name onto the chat because I wanted to see what they were talking about me

I definitely found something I shouldn't have seen

I'm just going to call my cousin's friend like B and her cousin her cousin, and E the person I found they were talking about too, so it went like
"my bsf IS WITH LUCINE" and her cousin replied with "YEAH I KNOW BUT SHE'S ALSO WITH E" B said "fucking what" and her cousin "yeah", B asked to explain it differently and her cousin said " because my bsf is with Lucine but my bsf is also with E"

????

Like I get it but now I'm confused if it's her actual partner and she lied to me about being single or he's platonic like me I guess

THEN B said she shouldn't do that right and her cousin said yeah but she'd a bad girl as like a joke

And PLUS, I read some more to get more information

Because like it'll leave me handing lowkey

And she also lied to me about not liking jinx? (The bl)

She basically faked her whole self just for me to like her I guess?

Which just makes me wonder if I can trust her, because if she really wants to be in a relationship with me she's going to have to show her true colors one way or another right

I genuinely thought we had something going on with her saying she wants to have sex with me, cuddle with me and kiss me and we're destined to be together

Like omfg

I'm gonna bed rot all day I'm genuinely not in the mood to do anything right now and not to mention my aunt's daughter keeps calling me aggressive and acting like I'm different, I know she's a kid but when I'm at my lowest everything affects me like a bullet to the chest

Oh and not to mention she named me here on discord her "gf"

Like I get it, but if you don't plan on doing anything with me please don't give me hope I already was smiling whenever I remembered her voice and shit

Now I just wish I could have a pistol and shoot my brains out

And ofc I'll have to act like everything's fine with her because I don't wanna be a jealous prick

And ruin everything

I'm just tired of being the villain in everyone's story omfg

I'm going to go now because seriously I can't even think straight so I'll go to distract myself so I wont create a crying puddle and make anyone irl worry

.. Wrong emoji for fucks sake 😭

byebyebyebye

[dim island]

Okay guys nvm I have everything in my asshole if she wants to keep me as an option I'll let her do so lmao

[dim island]

I love starving myself for no reason at all sometimes

[dim island]

I fucking teared up

God

Why

I know damn well she doesn't

Why is she giving me even more hope by sending me "when bro complains about being single but I'm right there" videos

I hate this feeling

I can't do anything but act like everything's okay and I'm an idiot

I'm just tired

It's surprising I even let the tear escape my eye like omfg.

I didn't cry for weeks

[dim island]

I'm gonna reply to the message that her cousin sent about me not knowing tomorrow lol

I was dry af today though

We're not even together so I don't really gaf anymore

It's still sad she didn't tell me anything

But whatever it's not like I'm her priority LMAO

I love gl

I have a feeling I might faint send help

Okay guys nvm I do gaf I keep thinking about it

Since I woke up and found out

I almost regret face revealing to her for some reason

I'm genuinely hurt I don't even know why lmao

I spent my whole summer texting her

And for the past period of time I've actually believed she might like me as more than a friend

But I'm just one of her options

I don't even care if I'm number one, it still hurts like hell

The message is like 22 days ago but she actually talked about him yesterday

Oh nvm I do have a reason to feel hurt damn

Her cousin sent a picture in the server like 5 days ago to E for him to goon to it and he sent a pregnant emoji with a egg plant???

I'm getting weirded out

Tf

wait a fucking second

What the actual fuck

E is TEN???

And my bsf is 12 it's not a big difference but wtf

He was nine probably not even a long time ago??

Fuck no

I'm searching for new friends I'm on the verge of throwing up what

When I was his age I was playing and shit

Omfg

That's fucking disgusting why would a 10 year old even text allat he said

I looked thru some of his messages and ew

Okay no

Fuck you what

I'm actually grossed tf out

This has to be a fucking joke

Like it's not even that bad I'm like 4 years older based off the year I was born but still??

You have to understand my feeling 😭😭

Okay wish me luck I'll go get some friends because that was my last straw

With that server etc

I looked thru her introduction too in that channel and she said I love my gf? I think it's directed towards me but I'm not sure

Only if I could search more without being weird

Okay guys I think I'm actually going to faint like 😭😭

WTF IT'S NOT EVEN BECAUSE OF THE SERVER ETC

I was so close LMAOO

Anyways I'll go join some servers on my alt accounts and post a introduction on my tiktok on my alt acc

[dim island]

I talked to her about it, and I am even talking about it right now

She said she's not dating him

And she didn't want to be that kind of person

But still

I love her even platonically but I want her to be her true self around me.

I'll never judge her but it made me freak tf out

I comforted her a bit, I do feel guilty for being rude to her in the morning but she just made me feel like I said before

We'll get back on track now after this conversation

We're back on the right track again, though it might seem different at first but now she at least will be her true self around me, I want us to have a healthy friendship if not a relationship because I don't even care about the status at the moment, life is good

I'M VERY HAPPY TBH..

[dim island]

I feel like a cow, even though I've starved myself more often lately I feel like I've gained weight anyways, at least I think so based off my legs, my arms are starting to not piss me off that much

Not to mention during these days I exercised anyway even if I felt like I was about to faint at any second

I've noted all things about diets etc and schedule

But nothing works the way I want it to

I'm starting school soon too, so it really fucking sucks I won't be able to complete all exercises till then, at least I think so?

Oh, actually it might be perfect

Today in the afternoon I'll be on day 14, and my school starts in 16 days I assume?

Yeah I've calculated it

I'll go draw or something because I'm getting bored like shit even though I still have no energy

[dim island]

I forgot to add, I have a very skinny friend at the school I'm transferring to, and I don't wanna look like a cow around her

So it just makes it worse wjbehregd

[dim island]

Chat I think I might weight 49kgs now

[dim island]

My mom is forcing me to eat a fucking 460kcal soup

Help

Fucking 40 min exercise to go.

Omfg

Nvm, 44 lmao

Someone kill me

She even fucking yelled at me, nice way to go mom

Fuck yeah treat me like I'm a motherfucker

Istg I'll purge again after this shit

I'm so fucking grossed out

This is so fucking disgusting I'm gonna throw up

I licked the spoon slightly and I already feel like I gained 20 pounds

I'd rather get sent to the hospital like my mom threatened she'd do

[dim island]

I ate like 2 spoons by little and my mom made me seem like it's my fault again

I fucking love my mom I swear to God why tf

She's making it worse

[dim island]

I have exercise better when I'm about to faint tbh

[dim island]

I did it

[dim island]

I did it again

I'm sweating like a mf

Tomorrow I won't eat shit idgaf

[dim island]

Alright I'm actually fucking exhausted

My bsf's friend texted me today that my bsf's planning to kill herself

So as a good bsf should, I texted her like every 10-20 minutes or so

And she was just joking around

So I sent him the picture that it's just a joke after my questioning (questioning is the best way to describe it)

And after like 4 hours or so he replied with "okok but keep an eye on that peanut" and then "if you don't want a dead gf perhaps 😋😋"

Bitch what

Sybau

I can't even take care of myself and you want me to do that too? I do agree I'm worried for her but I'm literally already imagining my dead body in the hospital because of my eating disorder??

I want to take care of myself if I will be able to but now I gotta do all more of that shit too so it won't seem like I'm a bad bsf

And I'll lose a bsf yet again

For fucks sake

At this point I should just cut my veins so I won't be exhausted anymore

That's the only way I can imagine myself happy

My death is my source of happiness

And I'm becoming even more excited for it each day

Tbh I'm getting so much worse I can't control the times I starve myself because when I just get a fork and try to eat I end up losing appetite

To the point I'm getting prepared to get sent to the damn mental hospital soon lmao

Since my mom said if she won't be able to help me she'd do so

But it'll just make me worse and probably consider self harm again

I have like 10 scars left from it and I both hate them and love them

The mental hospital is the best way to know if I'm either anorexic, have a eating disorder or anemia lmao

So I can't complain that much

I myself want to know

I think it's just ed tho

Nothing serious

HELP I'm thinking I'm just uneducated

Whatever

I don't know the differences that much

Though back to the earlier topic

I lowkey want to leave everything behind uhhhhhh

But I told her I wouldn't leave her so I'd feel like a bitch

Sigh

The only way for me to leave her behind is committing suicide

At this point

Though no

I don't think I wanna leave HER behind

Just her friends

Since they keep saying she's my gf and about weddings etc

Like among us two

It's becoming irritating for me because they expect me to do anything for her because of her

Holy shit

I'll be back in a bit my chest is beginning to hurt when I move

Okay it still hurts but I have to get used to it I guess

Because I don't wanna eat

I mean I tried to drink a yoghurt, like a sip but I lost appetite

Anyways I'm gonna go because I wanna go on YouTube just to like swipe through videos or something

Because I don't wanna text my bsf at the moment because I'm feeling down

Goodbye

[dim island]

Omfg

He texted me again 👍

saying that if anything happens he'll immediately text me

How about he shuts the fuck up

I want to focus on myself not make myself worry more

But I have to be nice to his ass or he'll claim that I'm a bad person

Or maybe I am

Idgaf

Anyone can call me a bad person

And I won't lie, I would be hurt but also I'll kill myself soon anyway so who cares

No one even fucking cares if I'll go back into self harm or even mentions literally ONE of my depressing videos

Especially my bsf, it hurts the most she doesn't care

But she sends me shit like I don't wanna be alive anymore but I'm keeping her alive

What if I don't want to be the whole reason she's alive

What if I finally kill myself and she'll do so too?

Omfg

It's driving me insane

The most I'm doing rn is blocking her on my vent account and post all my thoughts there lmao

I never wanted to die more in my life

Or maybe I never stopped wanting to die this much but I just distracted myself

10 year old me with a fucking knife to my throat would've been fascinated by the fact I'm even alive by now

Of course no one noticed that either

Only my mom started to care when she saw multiple scars on my thigh

Never mind actually

She just treated me like she did before but kept getting mad at me

But now that I have a problem with food, she suddenly cares

Because she doesn't want her daughter dead