Writing my thoughts publicly in hopes this helps others struggling through mental health issues caused by trauma, feel less alone in the world ♡
#CiaraLee's Journal ♡
true belfry
Education settings are a huge trigger for me. I used to think it was just school and once I got out of there things would be better. College was meant to be my comeback. A second chance at getting my Education. I knew it would be hard at first but I thought it would get easier over time.
It's been almost a year and I feel just as petrified. Entering a classroom feels like I am drowning and like I can barely breathe. Everyone around me feels like predators and I'm the prey. I know they are nice people but the warning labels are still flashing and suddenly I'm back in 2018 fighting for my life.
I just want my life back.
true belfry
I knew talking about my past would be tough. But i didn't expect this. I thought I would feel more free, more understood, I thought it would help me move on. Sure I feel a little more understood but at the same time I feel more alone. I tell myself that I miss the old me all the time but thinking about it now I don't even remember who that was. I just remember the scared and isolated little girl, who's freedom has been taken away. I forget that this is the first year I have been the safest and yet it doesn't feel that way at all. I still feel trapped, and unbelievably petrified. I don't feel like I am free.
I don't know who I am. I've never had the chance to figure that out. I'm at a time where everyone my age has figured it out to an extent, they have a rough idea of who they are and who they want to be. I am still at the beginning. I think that's the lonely part. Everyone started life ages ago and you are still at the beginning because trauma forced your life to stay paused. All you had to do was survive, everything else was put on standby. Whilst everyone was figuring out who they were you were just focused on getting through every minute trying to keep your head above water. No one gave you the chance to see who you really were or live.
true belfry
I had been struggling to go get into any of my classes at college but today I attended biology. Went in extra early so that I could give myself time to settle.
I know I should feel proud, I survived the whole 2hr lesson. But I don't feel that way at all. I feel broken, defeated. I wish I never went. I remembered why I avoided going in the first place. Feeling the way I feel inside class is horrible, I can't even escape. I'm just frozen, drowning in the thoughts that fill my head and no one even knows.
I wish I could celebrate the win. I did initially but the win doesn't compare to the fight I had to put up to achieve it. Was it really worth it in the end? Can I really continue this for much longer?
I tried so hard to convince myself to keep fighting, to keep going because things will get better. I know they can get better. I just don't believe I can do it. I don't believe that I am strong enough.
true belfry
I thought today would be good. I thought this would be the perfect distraction.
I went to the safari today, I hadn't been since I was super little. I remember how much I loved it, I got my favourite plushie from their too so that place has alot of meaning to me.
Today just sucked. I laughed and smiled and enjoyed seeing the animals, but it all felt very distant. Barely reaching. Barely scratching the darkness inside of my body. I wanted to have a good time but I just couldn't. The sadness and anger and fear have me gripped tight. They are loud.
I feel broken, and so incredibly hopeless. I want to scream because the internal pain feels heavy. I'm grieving all that my trauma has taken away. All the things I am still missing out on because I can't move on. Why can't I move on? Why can't I be better? Why me? I'm hurting so much and no one even knows.
I can't describe how much this hurts right now. I feel like I am suffering and all I want is to escape. I want to let go. I'm just so done with it all.
true belfry
I feel stuck in this circle. This circle I created. I am stuck with the thoughts and feelings that go through my mind. The lies that my mind tell me. "You don't look sick enough" "you are worthless" "you are a burden"
No matter what I do, what is expected of me, It's still never enough. I'm never enough. I'm still stuck in that same circle. No escape. No way through it. It is just a never ending loop filled with sadness, anger, guilt and fear. All circling around me.
It feels like the circle is shrinking. Forcing me to face my feelings more and more each day. Until eventually it consumes me. Until it takes hold of me completely. I am just Stuck.
true belfry
My life feels like a cage. I feel so stuck. I try to find some sort of exit, some sort of escape from the sadness and the never ending fear. I tell myself maybe if I just keep looking, keep searching I will find a way eventually. Years have went by and I feel like I am farther away from freedom than I ever was. The determination and hope has turned into hesitation and despair. I no longer see a way out, an end to the pain. But that is what the cage does, it blocks happiness, joy. Keeps me distant from all I love, the things I enjoy. Keeps me contained in the pain from within.
true belfry
I have grown so tired of fighting. Every breath I take is painful. Every breath I take is a reminder of the life I have grown so tired of living, a life that I feel completely stuck in. I'm told I have so many reasons to live, so many reasons to keep going. But when I ask what reasons, they don't have many answers to give.
I'm told to speak up and ask for help but whenever I do I am just left with dismissive words and long conversations from a person who doesn't understand.
I'm fighting a battle that feels impossible to beat, a war that nobody else can see.
Maybe there is just something so wrong with me, that maybe that is why I can't see what others can. People talk about how there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and things can get better but all I can see is this never ending darkness and no way to escape.
All I know is that I am so tired. I'm tired of being strong and pretending I'm fine, I'm tired of masking and lying, I'm tired of trying to please others around me, I'm tired of being trapped in my mind. All I want is to find some peace because maybe then I'll finally be free.
true belfry
This pain is infinite.
It starts from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep.
I get out of bed and cuddle my cat, the quiet purrs and chipper meows make me smile but somehow I still feel this pain so deep.
I sit with my family, fake a smile, laugh, and talk. Hiding the pain that hurts a lot.
They tell me how late I got out of bed but they don't realise I was bawling my eyes out until i fell asleep. Contemplating if I should end it or not.
I hold back my tears as I head to the bathroom. I turn the tap on and cry my heart out, gasping for air.
One hand gripping the sink, the other my chest because that's where it hurts the most. I'll walk out and pretend I do not care.
I want to scream out for help. I want someone to notice I'm tired and need to rest.
But when I open my mouth, suddenly I'm met with the words opposite to the pain in my chest.
I begin to play my piano but the music no longer shines. I sit by my desk. I colour and I write with what little energy I have left, pretending I'm fine.
I try catch up with the work that is so far behind but how can one succeed with a broken mind?
Eventually I find myself back in bed.
Drowning in the thoughts that fill my head and a aching chest filled with dread.
For I know this pain is infinite.
true belfry
I've been struggling for so long to decide on what to write. My thoughts have felt so loud and they feel like a storm. I can't see clearly or what is past it. All I know is that I am in it and all I can do is sit and wait for things to get quiter. I just hope that that time is soon because I feel like ive been waiting for so long.
I hate this storm that I am in. It takes away the fun I could have with friends because I can't get out of my own head. I can't forget easily about all the things in my past. Like a thunderstorm flashbacks hit suddenly with no warning. Only a slight anticipation. One minute i feel fine and im enjoying myself and the next im drowning in familiar feelings that I thought i'd never feel again. You can never know when a storm ends, when this pain will end. You just need to hope that you'll last long enough to see the light.
true belfry
I looked forward to my teenage and adult years when I was a child. I couldn't wait to learn more about the world and myself. I couldn't wait to reach those hopes and dreams.
Your teenage and young adult ages were meant to be taking steps to reach your goal and find out who you really are. Making memories, creating friendships. Planning the life you want to live. Finding out who you want to become. What would my younger self say when she realises that her future was not what she had hoped for but a series of horrific events, one after the other. Her teenage years were spent surviving her mind and the world that tried to hurt her. She spent those years trying to escape the world she no longer wanted to live in. A future didn't matter then because she didn't know if she would ever make it that far. Those years I lost were the most important ones to be had.
Trauma doesn't make room for the future. It keeps you stuck in the past. Playing a never ending loop of suffering. Trying to move forward in life with no idea as to who you are and no idea if you will ever survive to find out is soul crushing. The world around you seems to know who they are and that is the Isolating part. I feel sorry that I couldnt give my younger self the life she wanted and I don't know if I ever will.
true belfry
Getting a new therapist is hard. It doesn't matter how well you got to know them or how long you knew them for. I have seen many therapist throughout my life and it was always incredibly difficult to say goodbye. The impact they create in your life is above anything. I went into this short term therapy service thinking "what is the point" because it wasn't going to provide me the time I required to make any progress. After a couple sessions I ended it because I just felt I wasn't going to put in any effort into something i didn't believe in. Not long after my therapist convinced me to stay, so I gave it a shot and that is the best decision I have ever made for myself. Though it was short term, I had learnt so much about myself aswell more about my trauma that I had no idea even existed. She had become the person I needed this entire time and letting go of someone like that feels impossible. I needed someone to hear me, to see me, to value my feelings instead of crush them. She did all that and more. How can I say goodbye to someone like that?
I realised something today. I have been fighting my mental health for as long as i can remember. I don't really remember what good feels like. I just know I felt it before. I have gotten so used to it, so comfortable with it. It was something predictable, something never really changing. I would always know exactly how I was going to feel, what my day was going to be like. For the first time my mental health made me feel safe and I didn't want to let go of that. I feel like throughout my therapy and healing journey i have always held back or distanced myself when i felt things improving. I thought it was just being to afraid to confront my past and trauma but really i have been to afraid to let my feelings go.