#Just a jumble of thoughts

67 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

floral kindle
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Today I cried, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I did, I didn’t want to cry, but as much as I hate it I want people to know that I am capable of such emotions, I don’t want them to think that I am shallow or simply full of detestation and repugnance, I want people to know that I even when I don’t want to, I care about them, I want them to know that I don’t want them to hurt and that I hurt too. I might just be paranoid and hormonal but as of right now this is what’s going through my head, I wish I was sure about things and that I had someone to vent to, I wish that I didn’t wish for anything at all and that I had no wants or needs that people feel like they need to fulfill, sometimes I wish I was nothing and sometimes I wish I was someone’s everything, I wish that someone thought about me regularly and that there’s someone out there who understands e better then I understand myself, I wish there wasn’t so much hate and I wish loving didn’t hurt so much, I hate that I contradict my self on a regular basis and I hate the thought that Im just another person with a wish that will never be met, I hate when I’m wrong even when there’s nothing to be right about, I hate the sense of self righteousness I get whenever I get my way and I hate it when people feel like they can’t trust me just as much as when people trust me too much. There’s so much hate in the world, and everyone I know who recognizes the bigotry and greed and negativity only contributes by hating the topic of hate itself, but most of all I hate that the feelings I have towards all of these things isn’t even hate, I’m not sure what it is, despair? Hope?

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At the end of the day these are just pointless unoriginal thoughts and wishes most everyone has and wants. I miss life a year ago, two years, ago, three years ago, four years ago, I don’t want things to change, I don’t want to move forward and I don’t want to be stuck. I feel conflicted about everything, it’s like I need to be told how to feel about things, just things in general, could it be that I’m unsympathetic? Are these just late night thoughts or good self conversation starters or am I just writing every thought and idea that’s ever been introduced to me?

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Thoughts on everyday matters that concern no but myself

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Thoughts on everyday matters that concern no one but myself

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I wish that the things I said had a point and conclusion instead of everything just being one big loop of things that I can’t change, talk about, or decide on

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There are so many things I want and wish for, they can’t all be useless, right? There’s got to be something that isn’t absurd

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I want people to understand my point of view and perspective

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I don’t want my image to just be what I am on the outside

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I’d ask for nothing more if people just saw even the smallest fragment of my “true” self, or the side of me know one has seen, I’d be grateful for tiniest amount of empathy
For trivial things such as these journal entries, I hat empathy and pit yet I still long for it, I desire someone who values what I want to say but I don’t want to be put on the spotlight

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At the end of these thoughts when I go to bed I tell myself that I was just being stupid, that I was being crazy

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I don’t know when the next time I’ll write here will be, maybe when I have something that’s actually important to say, or maybe when I’m just being stupid and emotional, again

floral kindle
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I bought a dress today

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My friends tell me I was overreacting when I tried it on, but I don’t think so

floral kindle
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I always feel like I’m on the verge of collapse

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I’m not sure if overreacting but it’s like every little thing is constantly pushing my closer to not wanting to be alive, it’s gotten to the point where I need to look for reasons to live and then tell myself over and over again why my life is important

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It’s funny, you’d think that when you don’t wanna live everything would become lifeless and dull, but everything seems to be more colorful and attractive then before

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It feels like life is just one long fever dream

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One long, torturous, fever dream

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My analog horror - like thoughts

floral kindle
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Broke my ankle in track today 👍

floral kindle
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I was talking with my friend about my crush today

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Apparently she saw him trying to get into the girls locker room

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Creepy, right?

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Im not sure how to feel about it

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I see the red flags but I still like him

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I feel like if there were people who read this then there’d be a collective facepalm….

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Anyways here’s a duck

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Just a jumble of thoughts

floral kindle
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I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m constantly looking for someone who will be there for me, or choose me over something, I think it’s because I’m sick of always being the afterthought, I’m tired of people forgetting I’m there, I’m tired of people only talking to me because they have something to complain about, it’s so draining

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It’s painful when someone gets close to me and starts to like me for who I am, I’m worried I might end up caring for them more then they care for me or vice versa, love scares me, there’s the endless possibility of someone getting hurt and it being entirely your fault

floral kindle
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Here’s another duck

floral kindle
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Im so sad

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It hurts, and I tell myself that I’m okay and that I’ll be fine because I don’t know how to deal with the pain of not being okay

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I just want someone who genuinely wants to listen to me

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And care about me

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Instead I can never tell when someone wants me there with them and I always feel like people care more about how they appear to me or their self image then they do about the words I am actually saying

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I don’t know why I struggle so much with telling people how I feel

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Like their only focus is being seen as empathetic and scaring and kind

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Instead of actually doing it

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I want help but what I want more is to be able to ask for it

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Here is another duck

floral kindle
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I made it to invitational track meets somehow

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My ankle seems to be better

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🤷‍♀️

floral kindle
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Haven’t been writing here very much lately

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Maybe it means I’m doing better than I was?

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I don’t know

floral kindle
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I finally got out of the house on a weekend

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I think I am definitely improving on my mental health

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I still feel so disconnected from society

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It feels like the way I do everything wrong, like I don’t know how to act around people

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I always ask my self what’s wrong, is there something wrong with me? I wish I knew

floral kindle
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What is wrong with my friend group…smh 🤦‍♀️

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I made it to districts

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Barely though

floral kindle
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Just getting by

floral kindle
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I started talking to this guy

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Idk him irl

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I have a rlly bad feeling abt this

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But for some reason I’m fine with that

floral kindle
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I decided to block him today