My journal/ journey so far I guess | Huddle | Page 1

ebon sundial Apr 10, 2025, 2:35 PM

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So I've been dealing with some heavy trauma for a few years and lately I feel like I'm at the end of my tether

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Late last year, my dad unexpectedly passed away from bowel cancer (doctors didn't even tell us he had it btw) he wanted to be cremated so we followed his wishes, on the day of his cremation, my beloved doggo of 17 years suffered from a seizure and he slowly passed away in my arms before the vets came and take him away, my mother is currently suffering from stage two COPD and she is disabled with a broken back, I am her personal carer but it's difficult lately, it's also a possibility my brother is suffering from schizoaffective disorder, which is also hereditary and I myself am showing symptoms for

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On top of all that, I suffer from PTSD after watching my dad have a stroke and watching my mum break her back

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Sure people will say "oh but you have other family" not really, outside of my main family, my mum and brother,.no one else contacts us

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I'm also tried to feeling so alone, I have "friends" I guess but I don't feel a real connection with them

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People have been randomly leaving me life lately due to me either being too much or just unattractive I guess

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And I do try reaching out to new people but it genuinely feels like no one is interested in conversation these days, it's like they have their friends and that's it they aren't willing to accept new ones, it just feels like I'm stuck in a constant loop of the same stuff every day and it's so mentally taxing

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I also suffer from social anxiety so the "easy" option of going out of meeting people is so daunting and scary so I won't be doing that anytime soon

ebon sundial Apr 10, 2025, 3:51 PM

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I guess I'm just tired of feeling unimportant or unwanted

ebon sundial Apr 10, 2025, 4:46 PM

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I am also disgusted by my looks and my body, like how is anyone else supposed to love me if I can't even love one tiny thing about myself

ebon sundial Apr 10, 2025, 5:59 PM

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Genuinely feel as if I could disappear and no one would even notice

ebon sundial Apr 10, 2025, 7:48 PM

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But I guess that wouldn't solve anything, but I'm so scared of spiraling back into addiction

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On the off chance anyone actually reads this but let's be honest that's not gonna happen, but if it does my dms are open if you'd like to talk to me

ebon sundial Apr 10, 2025, 10:58 PM

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Feeling a little relaxed now, chilling in bed watching yt. Kinda scared about getting a diagnosis on my mental health but I'm not gonna worry about it

ebon sundial Apr 10, 2025, 11:42 PM

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Kinda just fed up really. Either gonna sleep or disappear I don't know anymore

ebon sundial Apr 11, 2025, 12:19 AM

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Goodnight to anyone reading this I hope you sleep well huddlehug2

ebon sundial Apr 11, 2025, 7:41 AM

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Good morning huddlehug2 woke up so incredibly hungry 😭

ebon sundial Apr 11, 2025, 1:44 PM

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It will be a every day thing for most people here I'm almost positive about that, but I'm going to try push myself to have a shower this weekend, I suffer from self neglect I have done for a while now, but I am really going to try push myself to shower and have a haircut and a shave huddleheartshape

ebon sundial Apr 11, 2025, 9:30 PM

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Update if anyone is actually reading or anything<3 I had a good day today, I'm feeling a little more positive Pink

ebon sundial Apr 11, 2025, 11:53 PM

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Goodnight<3 remember that you are beautiful just the way you are, you don't need to change yourself for anyone or anything I'm so proud of you keep going we got this :) ❤️

ebon sundial Apr 12, 2025, 8:08 AM

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Good morning huddlehug2

ebon sundial Apr 12, 2025, 9:04 AM

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Going to hopefully push myself to get out today, I'll just have to find a way to hide my hair

ebon sundial Apr 12, 2025, 2:59 PM

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So I managed to do it but I didn't feel comfortable, I felt alot of people staring at me

ebon sundial Apr 12, 2025, 7:39 PM

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I'm genuinely out of ideas or idk anymore. The one friend I thought I had randomly blocked me. I can't fucking do anything right. I've never felt like such a waste of space or unwanted. Genuinely if I disappeared it wouldn't fucking matter so I guess that's the next step

ebon sundial Apr 13, 2025, 3:22 PM

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I'm tired of feeling alone

ebon sundial Apr 13, 2025, 11:18 PM

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Genuinely just want a conversation atp I am so tired of hearing my thoughts

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I'm starting to hear voices

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But whatever

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I'll survive

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You know recently I felt safe with someone

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It felt like they cared about me and they wanted my attention

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Until I sent a selfie

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Then boom the conversation stopped

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says alot really

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That obviously helped loads with my self confidence

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Idk

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I just wanna feel wanted

ebon sundial Apr 13, 2025, 11:40 PM

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I'm crying so hard

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My whole life I've been neglected or mistreated

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Whatever I'm going to sleep

ebon sundial Apr 14, 2025, 8:23 AM

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Good morning nekoyawn

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Would anyone like to talk

ebon sundial Apr 14, 2025, 1:42 PM

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So I randomly checked my bank account and there's wayyyy more money in there than usual 😭

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I am trying to wrap my head around why I got paid so much and I genuinely don't know if I should spend any of it In case it was a mistake or something

ebon sundial Apr 14, 2025, 3:37 PM

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Woooooooo new diagnosis go crazyyyy

ebon sundial Apr 14, 2025, 4:49 PM

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I'm on even more medssss

ebon sundial Apr 14, 2025, 10:14 PM

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Gotta give jedi survivor a shout out that boss fight is tough reminded me of da elden ring days

ebon sundial Apr 14, 2025, 11:38 PM

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I actually feel so bad for snapping at someone :(

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I didn't mean too

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I'm not that kinda person :(

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Guess it just makes me feel worse about myself

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Idk I'm tired

ebon sundial Apr 15, 2025, 12:18 PM

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I guess I'm "putting myself" out there, I'd love to be able to make friends with some of the people in this server so if that's something that's interests you or you want to get to know me better dm me :3

ebon sundial Apr 16, 2025, 9:17 AM

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Good morning

ebon sundial Apr 16, 2025, 11:24 AM

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Head do be feeling foggy

ebon sundial Apr 16, 2025, 2:25 PM

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I love my life

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I don't

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I hate it

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Every single day

elder lagoon Apr 16, 2025, 3:39 PM

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pixelheart Hi, I"m new here. I want to make some friends too. I like TLOTR and other fantasy scifi too.

ebon sundial Apr 16, 2025, 3:56 PM

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Helloooo

ebon sundial Apr 16, 2025, 4:28 PM

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Woooo

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Jedi survivors final act is soooooooooo good

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I haven't beat it yet

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But it's shaping up for a wild finale

ebon sundial Apr 16, 2025, 4:44 PM

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Although everything cal does is "for the good of the force" he has done some questionable things

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But ultimately he is a very good character and he's well written

ebon sundial Apr 17, 2025, 1:11 PM

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Well last night was a pretty telling moment for cal and the narrative

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P cool

ebon sundial Apr 17, 2025, 5:34 PM

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Literally all I want is someone to talk to regularly

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I'm so bored and tired of being alone

ebon sundial Apr 18, 2025, 12:42 PM

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I'm tired of fighting...

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I don't know if I'll write here again

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But thanks to anyone who read it

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But I doubt anyone did

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But yeah

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bye I guess

ebon sundial Apr 22, 2025, 11:15 PM

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crying :(

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im really scared

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just wanna talk to someone

ebon sundial Apr 28, 2025, 11:26 PM

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hi

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anyone wanna be friends

ebon sundial May 9, 2025, 2:26 PM

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hi

ebon sundial May 13, 2025, 11:02 PM

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RAAAAA something is going on I can feel it but I can't explain it without sounding like I'm insane!!!! 😭

ebon sundial May 14, 2025, 3:10 PM

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Something is definitely not okay lmao but idk how to explain this shit without sounding like a nutjob

ebon sundial May 14, 2025, 9:34 PM

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I wish I had a different childhood :(

ebon sundial May 15, 2025, 8:14 AM

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Good morninggg

ebon sundial May 16, 2025, 7:03 PM

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Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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I have stress rashes :(

ebon sundial May 17, 2025, 4:22 PM

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Nearly concussed myself but we move 💪

ebon sundial May 21, 2025, 9:35 AM

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Good morning<3 if anyone still reads this remember, you are worth it, you are loved and you are beautiful

ebon sundial May 22, 2025, 3:26 PM

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I think I'm just not gonna fight anymore

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I can't do it

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I'm exhausted

ebon sundial May 22, 2025, 4:29 PM

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so ye if anyone actually did read this thanks I guess

#My journal/ journey so far I guess