Fps' Journal | Huddle | Page 2

quick moat Apr 18, 2025, 7:10 AM

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And i just hit 1k messages

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Woo

quick moat Apr 18, 2025, 11:05 AM

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Couldn't sleep

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This is great

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I really should just stop chasing highs

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I know it's a really bad thing but I can't help it

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I just want to feel something

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Just like...

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How she made me feel

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I hate this so much

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I wish I had tons of weed and shrooms and then maybe I wouldn't feel like shit

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I'd be a stoner fr

#

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My cat

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He's super sleepy today

quick moat Apr 18, 2025, 3:48 PM

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I GOT THE INTERVIEW

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let's gooo

quick moat Apr 18, 2025, 11:07 PM

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I'm tired

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I slept 4 hours

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And it's getting to me

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I really wanna get high

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But I don't have anything

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Except pills

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This is some bullshit

quick moat Apr 19, 2025, 1:51 AM

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Back to the hospital

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AGAIN

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FUCK

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I hate my body

quick moat Apr 19, 2025, 3:27 AM

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So they said I'm pushing myself too hard 😕

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Great

quick moat Apr 19, 2025, 11:16 PM

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Welp today was...

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It was torture

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My stomach has just been hurting

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I got ibuprofen and Tylenol and that's helping

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Anyways I'm still looking forward for the interview on Monday

quick moat Apr 20, 2025, 1:21 AM

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Im bored out of my mind

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Im just chilling listening to music but I really wanna talk to someone

quick moat Apr 20, 2025, 11:30 PM

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I met someone new

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I really like them so far and hopefully we stay friends :)

quick moat Apr 21, 2025, 1:56 AM

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My friend had to be an asshole today and I split cause of him

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He said I was complaining to much and then told me to shut the fuck up when I was trying to be nice about it and so then I just left the vc

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Like really man

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I was in such a good mood

quick moat Apr 21, 2025, 2:22 AM

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I feel like shit

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Why the fuck did he have to say that to me

quick moat Apr 21, 2025, 2:44 AM

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I took a shower and I feel kinda better now

quick moat Apr 21, 2025, 1:35 PM

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Last night I talked to that new person alot and she helped alottt

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Im actually really happy cause I've been wanting someone like that for such a long time

quick moat Apr 22, 2025, 12:56 AM

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Im happy

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I got to talk more with them

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Hopefully it goes well

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And my interview went well

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I think life is finally changing

quick moat Apr 23, 2025, 1:39 PM

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I crashed out yesterday

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I was thinking about Katlin too much and then I exploded cause my mom wouldn't leave me alone

quick moat Apr 26, 2025, 11:28 AM

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The past couple days have been really good

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Maybe it's cause I have a new favorite person

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But eh

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Atleast things have been going well

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And im happy

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I still dont have the job but im trying!

quick moat Apr 26, 2025, 1:08 PM

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Im having really bad headaches

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My doctor says theyre rebound headaches

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From all the opioids they gave me in the hospital and also other shit

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I got medication for it and hopefully it goes away

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And I dont feel lonely anymore

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But I hope it stays that way 😭

quick moat Apr 26, 2025, 4:18 PM

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It went away my headache

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Finally

quick moat Apr 27, 2025, 1:58 AM

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My head is dying again

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Im also kinda upset

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I feel lonely again

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Nothing happend between me and the other person but like I think I just wanna be friends with them

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And I feel bad

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Cause I really want someone to love me

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I dont know why

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Its like such a strong urge for some reason

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And it's getting to me more and more

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I dont want it to affect any of my friendships

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Let alone any new ones I make with people I really enjoy talking to and hanging out with

quick moat Apr 29, 2025, 9:46 AM

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I hate myself

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I can't fucking do anything right

quick moat Apr 29, 2025, 10:28 AM

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I stopped looking for a job it kept stressing me out

quick moat Apr 30, 2025, 6:40 PM

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Yeah im just done

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Fuck this shit

quick moat May 8, 2025, 12:42 AM

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Im back from the psyche ward

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Crashed out

quick moat May 9, 2025, 12:04 AM

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I had appointments and it went alright

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Psychiatrist got me meds

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Don't feel dead inside

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No

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I do

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This isnt a way to live

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But I dont have a choice

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I feel like im drained out of every emotion I had left

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Im just empty but not in a bad way

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But it's not what I wanted

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It'll have to do

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Or else I'll do something worse..

quick moat May 9, 2025, 12:33 AM

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I want to try and get better

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I do

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But it's hard

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I feel so damn alone

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I dont know why

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Its just engraved in my brain

quick moat May 9, 2025, 9:27 AM

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I can't sleep

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Not like I used to

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Im also appearing offline because I dont want my friends bothering me

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I vanished for a week and they were worried but honestly I dont care

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I just dont wanna talk to them

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I wanna talk to someone new

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Not some stupid ass shit or play games and stuff im tired of playing games all day

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Im so lonely

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I dont know why

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I have all these people and yet I feel so lonely

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Its not the same as before my friend died

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I need that special someone again

quick moat May 9, 2025, 1:47 PM

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I feel so weird

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Happy but not at the same time

quick moat May 11, 2025, 12:50 AM

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I found someone new

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Again

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They seemed really sweet

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And they also have bpd

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This is either gonna go well or terrible

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We both already really like each other

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And we have alot in common

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Kinda like the last person but that person likes my friend so

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I split and I dont wanna talk to them anymore

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Im probably really dumb

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I started another relationship

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And I know it's not the best for me but I can't stand being alone

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I need someone to love me...

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And theyre doing just that

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Her name is Anna

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She's really sweet and likes all the games I do

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But she has something called aphasia

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Which means she can't talk :(

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I really would've liked to vc with them

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And of course both of our mentally ill asses already said I love you

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I just can't help it...

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I can't be alone

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Katlin was my best friend and without that im nothing

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I need someone by my side like before

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Its an obsession

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I can't wait to talk to them tomorrow

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I miss hearing i love you..

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I miss it so much...

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I need to hear those words again

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I did my psych appointment too

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Got better meds

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And I feel not so dead

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I just wish the other girl liked me but she likes my friend which kinda pissed me off

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Cause I introduced them because I thought they'd be friends but she's ignoring me basically and only talking to my friend now

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I can get extremely jealous

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So I gave up

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Fuck her anyways

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Hopefully this new person is nice to be with

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So far she is

quick moat May 11, 2025, 3:20 AM

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Im high rn

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And honestly bro why the fuck do i bother

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No one wants to talk to me

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Like ever

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Its always me reaching out

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Never the other way

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I hate it

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I started vaping again

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Honestly Idgaf

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I only live once

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Might as well make it less shitty

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Probably gonna kms within the next year

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I wouldn't doubt it

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sigh

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Life hates me

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The one girl I click with likes my friend

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Such bullshit

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This sucks

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Should've never introduced them

quick moat May 11, 2025, 5:49 AM

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Can't sleep

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And my stomach hurts

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And my ass 😭

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Stupid ass colon surgery

quick moat May 12, 2025, 1:23 AM

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Im tired

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So tired of this

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I thought things were getting better

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I want it to end

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I want to get better but I can't, Im still recovering and it hurts so much and I keep having to go back to the hospital for that and it's super annoying and then I cant find a job which pisses me off and then on top of that I have no fucking friends and I find zero joy in playing games anymore, If I dont have my vape I think I would actually kms this is so bad man, I just wish my problems would go away, im so tired so tired, I cant do this, im going to explode one day and I won't be able to do anything but fucking suffer like I always have cause im a piece of shit and no one wants to talk to me and be MY friend, I hate this I hate this, I want to just give up

quick moat May 13, 2025, 12:30 AM

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My brother had to talk me out of suicide

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So theres that

quick moat May 14, 2025, 5:23 PM

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Its getting worse

quick moat May 14, 2025, 7:52 PM

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Getting closer and closer to the edge

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I felt like I wanted to bash my head in

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I just cant take it

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These thoughts and voices keep getting louder

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I thought I was fine

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I thought I was fine

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What changed

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Why

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Why

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I want to rip myself apart

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I cant

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I love them so much

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I dont wanna leave them

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But this pain keeps getting stronger

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I want it to stop

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I want to die

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I want to take all of the pills I have

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ALL OF THEM

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I just cant take it

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I cant take another day

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I dont want to

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But my mind keeps telling me yes

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My hands are shaking

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I cant control myself

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I won't be able to any more

quick moat May 21, 2025, 12:00 AM

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I tried to OD

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That was...

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Im fucked

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All I gotta say

quick moat May 22, 2025, 12:47 AM

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Im living

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I can breathe

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Living is pain

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But..

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I have to endure it

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So alone...

quick moat May 25, 2025, 12:15 AM

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Im dying

quick moat May 25, 2025, 10:48 PM

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Im sad

quick moat May 26, 2025, 2:50 PM

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Im losing my mind

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Wish I didn't feel alone

quick moat May 26, 2025, 6:41 PM

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Tired

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So tired

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Wish I had my vape

quick moat May 27, 2025, 3:50 AM

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Today was ok

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I talked to someone new

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And they were nice to be in a call with

quick moat May 27, 2025, 4:16 AM

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I overdosed again

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Im letting it happen this time

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No point

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Trying to live like this

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Might as well numb the pain

quick moat May 27, 2025, 5:24 AM

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Feels good

quick moat May 27, 2025, 6:45 AM

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Idk what to do

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Im bored

quick moat May 28, 2025, 4:14 PM

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Well i feel better

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For some odd reason

quick moat May 28, 2025, 8:42 PM

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I need a job

quick moat May 28, 2025, 10:21 PM

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I really want money for some things I want

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But this shit isnt easy

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If only I was a femboy baddie or an egirl 😂

quick moat May 29, 2025, 8:49 PM

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I applied for a job

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Hopefully i get it

quick moat May 31, 2025, 1:13 AM

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I feel lonely again

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And im surprised people read this

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I dont know what to do

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I feel so bored

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And just out of it cause im out of nicotine

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From my vape

quick moat Jun 2, 2025, 5:49 PM

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I had a panic attack yesterday

quick moat Jun 6, 2025, 1:45 AM

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Im dying inside

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I dont know what to do

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Im just going farther and farther into the abyss

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I feel so fucking alone

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I just want a relationship with someone

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Because its the only thing that feels like its gonna pull me out

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And I hate it

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I hate that im alone

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I just want it to be the way things used to be

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I want to cry

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LIKE FUCK

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I hate my life

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I just want the pain to stop

quick moat Jun 7, 2025, 1:15 AM

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Im alive im alive

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It all feels so fake

quick moat Jun 9, 2025, 1:32 AM

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Im ok

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Im trying to live

quick moat Jun 13, 2025, 12:51 AM

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I dont know how to feel

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Im losing touch with reality

quick moat Jun 15, 2025, 2:30 AM

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Just living day by day

quick moat Jun 19, 2025, 2:05 AM

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I have a job now

quick moat Jun 28, 2025, 7:22 AM

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I got back together with my ex

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After a year of no talking

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I feel like such an asshole though

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The way things ended last time

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Like i was a little too uhm "freaky"

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But thats how i show my affection

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And it sucks

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I wish I wasnt that way

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And I did it again when we talked after a while

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After we got back together and talked things out

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I was that way towards her and I feel like a piece of shit

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She said it was fine but I dont know

quick moat Jun 28, 2025, 1:02 PM

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I guess things are fine

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Im just overreacting

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She uhm said she missed it so yay?

serene star Jun 28, 2025, 6:43 PM

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quick moat I got back together with my ex

Maybe our first relationships are meant to leave such a deep impression on us.
I think you must have gone through a lot before getting back together with them, for you to be able to reflect on things the way you do now.

u really doing great bro respect

quick moat Jun 28, 2025, 9:12 PM

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Thanks man

quick moat Jun 29, 2025, 1:24 AM

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Things are going well again

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I stopped being friends with my friend of 9 years

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There's that

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He kinda just ditched me and I didnt wanna be part of that

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So I blocked him

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And I doubt I'll be talking to him again

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He seemed to not really care about me anymore

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But it is what it is

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Not too upset about it tbh

quick moat Jul 1, 2025, 8:00 AM

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I have the best girlfriend ever man

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Shes so nice

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I swear I act like a piece of shit and yet she supports me

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It makes me wanna cry on how I got so lucky

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I hate my bpd and yet she loves me

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I dont get it

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I love her so much

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I missed her

quick moat Jul 6, 2025, 5:03 AM

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Im trying to quit nicotine

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Shits hard

quick moat Jul 7, 2025, 5:24 AM

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I cant fucking quit

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I tried for one day and the withdrawals hit hard

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I started tweaking bad

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Kept hearing voices and shit in my head

quick moat Jul 7, 2025, 8:30 AM

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My sleep schedule is so fucked

quick moat Jul 7, 2025, 1:02 PM

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I haven't gone to work in over a week

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I tried messaging to see when my next shift is but I got nothing

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Sucks cause I really want money man

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I need to pay for another vape cause mines gonna run out soon

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I cant quit

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Thats not an option anymore

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I dont give a fuck what anyone says

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Id rather kill my lungs than deal with psychosis

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Im bored out of my mind

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I dont know what to play

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Or just do

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Ive been playing the shit out of eft but im getting frustrated at the point im at rn

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Probably gonna take a break from it

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Might play some other games but idk what

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I need someone to play with but my friend that I play with usually isnt on rn

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Might play some 7 days to die for a little while

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While I wait

quick moat Jul 8, 2025, 4:23 AM

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My friend is gone for a bit so im cooked

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Idk when he'll be back

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I really wanna play siege

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I might go play some cyberpunk for a bit

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Idk

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My mind is allover the place

quick moat Jul 9, 2025, 11:50 PM

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My girlfriend is trying to get me to do things but honestly I dont care

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I gave up on my life a long time ago

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Im not going to change

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Ive tried

quick moat Jul 10, 2025, 5:47 AM

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Well my friend is coming back tomorrow so we can finally play siege

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I just hit plat

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And my lobbies suck ass

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Getting to emerald is my one life goal right now

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Other than that im pretty sure I lost my job

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Cause they haven't called me in still

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Yeah my life isn't getting better ever

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My brother got a new car so thats pretty sweet

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My girlfriend said she wants me to talk about my day but...

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I dont do shit all day

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Its like she expects me to have plans

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I already told her I quit doing that shit

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Im tired of it all

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All I want to do is chill

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Its starting to piss me off

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Like I tried

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I tried so hard I almost died trying

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And thats not even me exaggerating

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Im about to just break up with her

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I cant fucking do this shit

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I dont need someone like that

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I told her already

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I need someone to spend time with not someone like that

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She's rarely here anymore anyways

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And when she is she starts with that shit about how I should do things but I dont give a fuck

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I just want to play games

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I just want to live my life

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Because my life is already over

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I just...

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I gave up...

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I cant do it anymore

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The last bit of motivation and ambition I had left is gone

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If I really wanted things to get better I would do something about it but no

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Thats just not something I want

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I dont want anything

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The only thing I think about is how I want to end my life

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Its all I ever wanted

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No more pain, no more worrying, no more suffering

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And I know it hurts dying

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Ive tried so many times

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It hurts

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But if I have to suffer to end the suffering then I'll gladly do it

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And I have done it

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But I haven't died yet

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It sucks

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I dont want to live

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Im so tired

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I was thinking about trying drugs tbh

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Thats the only other thing ive thought about

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Its the only thing left that brings me any amount of joy

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I was thinking of trying some of the hard shit

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Cause fuck it why not

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I can order some online

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I was thinking of Lsd

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Or Dmt

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I literally dont care about the consequences

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Ive tried shrooms before and that was something

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Weed was meh

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And ive overdosed on wellbutrin and that got me all sorts of fucked up

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Still wish I died from that

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Guess its something to think about

quick moat Jul 11, 2025, 10:34 AM

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I found my thc vape

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Its meh

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But ima hit it cause my nic is almost out

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My girlfriend still trying to get me to do shit

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Pissed me off

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Maybe it was a mistake getting back together with her

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She said she wanted us to do things right this time but honestly its worse

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She barely talks to me

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Because shes so busy

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I dont blame her but at the same time I cant help but do that

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I thought she'd spend more time with me I thought she'd be there for me I thought she'd actually care about me but all she does is tell me I should do things differently and about herself when I dont give a fuck

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I already know if I say I wanna break up shes going to be mad or something

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But like bro shes just pissing me off

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This is why I dont date people if they dont play games or are online

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Im Chronically online for a reason

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I dont care enough about the real world anymore

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Sometimes I wish I could get my brothers gun and just put a bullet in my skull

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My ideal person to date is someone who has the same interests/games, is online consistently, doesn't talk about life, always wants my attention, always wants to spend time, and that we actually do spend time and she always knows what to say

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But that isnt realistic...

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Instead im stuck with some girl who doesn't do any of that and wants me to take care of her

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Like what the fuck am I supposed to do when im clearly mentally ill

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I have several mental disorders

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Like im not just gonna lock in out of nowhere and just "be a man"

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God i sound like my dad

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I miss him

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Ive been withdrawing so much lately I haven't seen or talked to him in ages

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Same with everyone else in my family

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Now Im sad

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Honestly

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I think its over for me

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I dont believe in myself

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I really should kill myself

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My life is pointless

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All it takes is enough pills, a bullet, or blood loss

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Or a big fall

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Maybe i should jump a bridge

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Nahh

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If I live then ima have broken legs

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Maybe blood loss isnt a bad idea

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Just cut my wrists open

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Then again I still have a thing with knives

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And blades

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Anything sharp gives me ptsd

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I swear to god everything just goes silent and all I can think of is to cut

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Maybe I should cut myself

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Like before

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I remember the feeling it used to give

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The feeling it took away

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Then again thats why I dont cut anymore

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It makes my psychotic episodes worse

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And obviously it hurts like a bitch

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I dont think I want more scars

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Then again....

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fuck now I really want to cut myself

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Its so hard to describe that feeling

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Its almost like pleasure

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Its like a getting in a hot bath and the water hurting but feeling good

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It burns but it burns good

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The pain makes everything just disappear and for a moment I feel alive

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Not this dead husk of a man

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I dont even see myself as a man

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All I see in the mirror is a boy who couldn't get his shit together and messed everything up

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Welp time to go sleep and think about my horrible life choices

quick moat Jul 12, 2025, 8:25 AM

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I fucked my sleep schedule

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Feel like ive said that alot already

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Decided to give my girlfriend the silent treatment

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Probably just gonna keep pulling away

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I dont want her close anymore

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Her words fall on deaf ears

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I dont think I love her anymore

quick moat Jul 12, 2025, 10:23 AM

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The thoughts about hurting myself are gone

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Thats good

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I guess

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I might see my dad this weekend

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But probably not cause my sleep schedules fucked

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Ima gonna get another vape hopefully

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Cause fuck i need it bad

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Mine is down to its bit of juice

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And it tastes horrendous

#

#

There was these kittens outside my house

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I gave them some food

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Poor babies

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There's 5 of them

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Seeing them made me realize how precious life is

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I started crying

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That was hours ago

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I have such a soft spot for cats

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I cried for hours when this one kitten we had a few months back died

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She was such a cute little black cat and she wouldnt eat or drink

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Poor baby

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She didnt deserve that

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Makes me really sad thinking about her

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Her name was Luna

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I hope these little kittens outside stay safe and they grow up

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I dont know why but I cant with dogs

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Something about them just... i hate them

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I remember as a kid I would actually be very violent towards dogs

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Im a piece of shit for that

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Like it was bad

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And I dont feel guilty over it

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Thats the worst part

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I had fun doing it

livid igloo Jul 12, 2025, 10:36 AM

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im so sorry i was just trolling

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if that affected you in any way please dont kill yourself dont let me get to your mind

quick moat Jul 12, 2025, 10:37 AM

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Its fine

livid igloo Jul 12, 2025, 10:40 AM

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quick moat Its fine

im actually sorry i was just trolling here i didnt realise you were actually this deeply suffering

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only when i scrolled up i felt bad

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that was actually very cruel of me im really sorry again

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i actually hope you get better and im so so so sorry

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it was so childish and impulsive of me

quick moat Jul 12, 2025, 10:41 AM

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Dont worry about it

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I probably should try to sleep soon

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Then again not like it matters

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I dont have a job anymore

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Im pretty sure atleast

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I thought they'd give me a message or an email about it but they ghosted me

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Not like I want to work anymore anyways

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"Get a job it'll give you purpose"

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Such a lie

#

I barely worked and all thought of was about the money

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Not about anything else

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And not like I want money asides to buy drugs or nic

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Im still deciding on whether or not I should do hard shit

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Its expensive though

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90 dollars for just a couple tabs of acid or a dmt vape

#

I need something to give me joy again

#

I dont feel it anymore

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I just pretend to be fine to everyone

#

Yesterday my mom was happy to see me and gave me a hug and kisses and I just didnt react

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Not a word just a cold empty stare into the wall

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Im becoming more and more detached

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Sleep doesn't even feel like sleep anymore

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It just feels like everything goes dark

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Reminds me of surgery

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Its like that

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Fading to dark and then just boom im awake

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Im pretty sure my kidneys are failing

#

I overdosed multiple times over the past couple days

#

I forgot to mention that

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Been getting more and more thirsty

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Been eating alot less and also been getting nausea

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Reminds me of the last time

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Last time I started vomiting blood

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And the pain

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God the pain

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Thinking about it makes me feel weird

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Almost been 3 years

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And I still remember that day

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Its been 3 years...

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Since she died

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My best friend

#

Katlin...

#

I miss her

#

No sadness no guilt no anger just a hollow feeling

#

I remember when I'd cry out of no where jusy thinking about her

#

I remember all of it

#

All those times...

#

I keep thinking back to when we first met

#

4 years ago

#

Residential mental health facility

#

In the gym

#

You invited me to play cards

#

And then I came back the next day

#

And we played cards again

#

Then we kept doing that

#

We talked and talked

#

For the rest of the time I was there we became friends

#

We knew each other well

#

We had fights

#

We had our differences

#

But we were still the closest friends

#

She was the closest person I ever had

#

And it broke my heart when I heard she died

#

I still remember that

#

The day part of me died along with you

#

I wouldnt eat, I wouldnt drink, I wouldnt sleep, I wouldnt do anything, I would just cry and stare

#

And then I overdosed on 20 something wellbutrin

#

And I somehow survived

#

Somehow

#

Even though I wanted to end that pain

#

The pain of losing her

#

I still try to find of piece of her in other people

#

Sometimes I wish she never died

#

Sometimes I wish it was me

#

Other times I wish we both died together

#

I still cant believe she killed herself over a stupid argument

#

Then again it was my fault

#

Always is

#

Yeah im pretty sure my body is dying because of all the pills

#

Its hurting

#

I took 40 pills over the past couple days

#

Its sharp as hell

#

If I start getting worse then im just gonna let it happen

#

No point going to the hospital

#

If it hurts so bad I have to scream or anything then I'll scream into my pillow

#

But as long as the pain is over then im happy

#

First time ive smiled all week

#

Im so tired

#

I haven't slept

#

Honestly I should probably be writing a goodbye letter

#

Specifically for my siblings

#

My brother cant handle me dying

#

It hurts thinking about it

#

It actually makes me so sad

#

I love my brother

#

And I'd rather make it a little less painful for him

#

And write that it isnt his fault

#

And that he should stay strong

#

And do all the things we couldn't do together

#

Fuck im crying

#

It hurts thinking about it

#

It actually hurts so bad thinking about what will happen to him and my little sister

#

But I cant keep living like this

#

I dont want to live like this

#

I cant decide

#

I hate myself

#

The only reason I cant kill myself is because of the fear I have

#

I still have attachment towards my siblings

#

It hurts

#

It actually hurts so bad thinking about them

#

My chest hurts

#

Everytime I go tell my mom that I overdosed

#

Because I was scared to die

#

I was scared of what happens to everyone afterwards

#

Not death itself

#

Well thats enough crying for today

#

Hopefully I die in my sleep so I dont have to think about everything

quick moat Jul 13, 2025, 5:30 AM

#

I grieve in stereo~ The stereo sounds strange~

#

I know that if you hide~ it doesn't go away~

#

~my little dark age~

#

Im very unhappy 🫠

quick moat Jul 13, 2025, 9:12 AM

#

I just hit plat 1 in siege

#

And I actually feel some amount of happiness

#

Im also reinstalling fallout new vegas and the mods

#

Ive been needing to play something different on my pc

#

My other friend is coming back from a cruise today so thats nice also

#

Trying to find things to be happy about

#

I think I'll call my dad later

#

Im sure he'll be happy to hear from me

#

I was thinking of cleaning my room and trying to get my shit together

#

Just a bit

#

I think my mood swing is over

#

Or whatever its called

#

Idk my terms for bpd or anything

#

All I know is that it comes in phases

quick moat Jul 13, 2025, 10:09 PM

#

Dnd session is today so thats nice :)

quick moat Jul 14, 2025, 8:41 AM

#

Had a decent time with my friends

#

Been a while since I talked to my irl friends

#

I also did talk to my dad and that was nice too

#

I finished installing all the mods for my Fallout new vegas so thats sweet

#

My friend got mad at me cause I wouldnt play Minecraft with him cause I was playing it 😭

#

Fallout new vegas is Peak

#

Especially modded new vegas

#

One of my favorite games of all time

#

I also lost my Plat 1 on siege Wahh

#

Im plat 2 now

#

I started playing other characters cause I was just getting shit on playing Mute and Lion constantly

#

I now play Jackal and Jaeger

#

Its so much more fun now

#

I might try and fix my sleep schedule today

#

Idk yet

#

If I am gonna do that im gonna play Fallout all day

#

Im NOT playing siege

#

Ima get clapped

#

Fr

#

Ive been losing alot of weight

#

I just realized that earlier

#

When I showered

#

I have so much loose skin compared to before

#

Mostly cause I only eat once a day

#

Maybe twice if I get hungry

#

Or snacks

#

Ive been really craving icecream and sushi lately

#

So I might try and get some later today

#

My cat has also been very helpful these past few days

#

I love him so much

#

My precious little panda bear

#

Idk what I'd do without him

#

That reminds me

#

I need to feed him and give him water

#

He's a chonky boy and eats and drinks alot

#

Welp i guess I'll do that and then play some new vegas till I pass the fuck out in 15 hours

quick moat Jul 15, 2025, 7:36 AM

#

My girlfriend said she wants to kill herself

#

God fucking dammit bro

#

I dont have the emotional stability for this shit

livid igloo Jul 15, 2025, 9:17 PM

#

😬

#

have you considered going to therapy?

quick moat Jul 15, 2025, 11:54 PM

#

livid igloo have you considered going to therapy?

Ive been to therapy so many times it never helps

#

And majority of the time they just tell me the same shit "We cant help you"

#

After weeks or months of it

#

Even when I get admitted to the psyche ward they just give me a higher dose of meds and it just makes things worse

#

Ive just been slowly getting worse over the years

#

I stopped taking my meds again months ago

#

Literally zero difference after that

#

Except the psychotic episodes came back

#

So I guess the antipsychotics help

#

But other than that nothing helps with my mood, depression or anxiety

#

Ive tried everything to get my life together

#

Nothing works

#

Thats why ive given up on trying anymore

#

Last time I talked to a psychiatrist they literally told me that all I can do is manage my symptoms and that I should go on disability

#

I haven't heard anything from my gf

#

Idk what to think

quick moat Jul 16, 2025, 1:52 PM

#

Im so tired

#

Ive barely slept

#

Can't fall asleep

quick moat Jul 16, 2025, 3:22 PM

#

Im gonna try to fix my sleep schedule

#

I keep saying that 😭

#

My cat is here to keep me company

#

And I also wanna try this new cyberpunk update that comes out

livid igloo Jul 16, 2025, 4:52 PM

#

quick moat And majority of the time they just tell me the same shit "We cant help you"

i mean maybe you are not allowing yourself to recover?

quick moat Jul 17, 2025, 12:51 AM

#

Probably but I dont care anymore

quick moat Jul 17, 2025, 5:24 AM

#

Got a new vape to fuel my addiction hooray

quick moat Jul 17, 2025, 9:03 AM

#

The most loneliest day of my life~
And If you go~
I wanna go with you~
And if you die~
I wanna die with you~
Take your hand and walk away~

#

I forgot how peak this song is

#

I listened to it non stop when my friend died

#

Along with little dark age

#

Im listening to it again after months

#

🥲

#

I still haven't moved on from that day

#

Its been 3 years since I over dosed

#

Well

#

Since that overdose

#

Ive overdosed so many other times

#

That one hit the hardest for me

#

Still does to this day

#

Mainly cause of the health problems I have now 😭

#

Rip my kidneys

#

Still a miracle I didnt die from kidney failure

#

Or get put on dialysis

#

My brother was ready to give a kidney

#

Which is crazy

#

But hey atleast I still have my kidneys 🥲

#

Feels weird thinking back on it

#

After all this time

#

Not proud of it

#

Never am

#

I hate seeing my brother cry

#

It breaks my heart

#

If it wasnt for him I'd probably be dead a long time ago

#

Guess im grateful for him

#

I do love him so very dearly

#

We grew up together how could I not?

#

And he always drives me to the hospital

#

Im probably the worst brother ever but he says he loves me no matter what and that he wouldnt want it any other way

#

Made me start sobbing on the spot

#

It was the first time I ever felt loved by anyone in my family

#

I know they love me but it made me feel so much emotion from hearing it out loud

#

I know my family has always been there for me throughout all this

#

But I cant help but feel alone

#

Its just a constant feeling of emptiness

#

If I dont get any reassurance I just breakdown

#

I hate having a mental illness

#

I wish there was a cure for it

#

But sadly no

#

Then again

#

I cant even imagine myself as a normal human being

#

It just feels wrong

#

Everything feels wrong

#

Ive never felt like myself once in my whole life

#

It sucks having identity issues

#

I dont see myself as "Alex" I see myself as my online persona

#

Fps

#

Its been that way for such a long time

#

Ever since I can remember

#

I felt the most comfortable being called Fps

#

Never my name

#

Thank god I never got into vr chat

#

That would've probably made me more Chronically online than I already am

#

Im reflecting alot on my self and my life aren't I?

#

Dont do that often

#

Mostly cause I just feel extremely self conscious or guilty about myself and what ive done in the past

#

Reminds me when I had agoraphobia for a while

#

I refused to go to school for years and even leave the house because I was afraid of other people because what had happend between me and my old friend group

#

I still have trust issues from that

#

I always was paranoid

#

Constantly thinking I was being watched

#

The only way I broke out of that phase and that fear was because of her

#

My best friend

#

She talked to me about it for hours and hours trying to get me to socialize more and more and go out and do things

#

And it worked

#

I dont even know how or why it worked

#

But it did

#

And I finally beat that fear of going out in public and instead I enjoy it now

#

I always want to go out or be with people but I dont have friends...

#

I have a few irl friends but we hang out online

#

We dont hang out irl because everyone is busy

#

My sister has been wanting me to go out with her friend but honestly im nervous

#

I always hesitate with new people

#

Honestly with the way things are going

#

It couldn't hurt to make a new friend

#

She seems like a nice person

#

Idk

#

Speaking of girls

#

Im pretty sure im gonna break up with my girlfriend

#

She hasn't responded to me at all

#

And shes online

#

I dont give two fucks if shes busy

#

Im one of the clingiest people known to mankind

#

This ain't gonna work

#

Besides ive lost my feelings for her after shes constantly on my ass about me

#

I dont give a fuck

#

Like I know i have to do better, know I need friends, I know i need a job, I know i need new hobbies, I fucking know

#

It just makes me feel bad about myself

#

Having someone tell me this over and over

#

But its kind of my moral obligation to make sure she doesn't off herself now

#

I do care just I dont have feelings for her like that anymore

#

I cant be saying I miss you or I love you just to not get a reply until the next day

#

And she doesn't show it at all either

#

It hurts as someone who needs reassurance

#

Idk how this is the longest relationship I had with someone and yet none of my needs are met

#

We were together half a year until we broke up last time

#

But this time I just cant put up with it

#

Especially in the state im in right now

#

I need someone whos there for me and actually shows me they care

#

Not whatever this is

#

Im never gonna have what I want am I

#

Or even close to it

#

It sucks

#

sigh

#

Hopefully things get better

#

I always say that to myself even if its such a lie

#

Because to live without hope is to cease to live

#

And its true

#

I think theres something wrong with me again

#

This whole night ive been feeling nauseous and ive been having pain

#

AGAIN

#

Can't get a break

#

Wish I still had percoset

#

That would be nice

#

Then again

#

I fucking hate the withdrawals

#

I think its cause my colon is finally starting to work properly

#

Who knows

#

Everytime I go to the ER they just say im fine

#

No point going back and getting poked with needles

#

Im so tired

#

I wanna go to sleep but I cant

#

I tried earlier and I woke up to the pain

#

And I have a massive headache

#

Anyways

#

Ive been watching mushoku tensei

#

And thats been really entertaining

#

Even if the MC is a weirdo 😭

#

Im gonna go watch that until I get sleepy again

livid igloo Jul 17, 2025, 5:40 PM

#

quick moat Probably but I dont care anymore

if you dont care anymore then you will continue to suffer

#

obviously i dont know what your life fully looks like or what kind of help available you have around you or the degree of freedom you have in your life overall but you seem to rely a lot on emotion and you tend to dwell on that, this isnt a personal attack, but i suggest you to try to fix the root of your problems by trying to analyse yourself or undoing whatever situation you are in. it may seem impossible trying to find the best convenient situation for yourself but you need to know life is not a perfect reflection of what you purely want, you need to step outside your comfort zone and your space and look beyond that. it might seem like that you are stuck in your life but you need to know that there can be mental health services and various people around you that will offer help, if you are taken back by your past and you have trust issues you really need to tackle the problem either with therapy or on your own whether you like it or not. if not, you will just actively kill yourself each day by vaping and more and you will end up worse than you started before its too late

quick moat Jul 17, 2025, 10:38 PM

#

I know that, ive tried and none of it helps

quick moat Jul 18, 2025, 4:38 AM

#

Almost done with season 1 of mushoku tensei

#

Its getting really good

#

Ive been watching it with my sister

#

Still getting super sharp pain in my abdomen

#

No idea why

#

Now im just chilling listening to music

#

And vaping ofc

#

My favorite past time

#

I love filling my lungs with toxic chemicals

#

Just realized both my siblings birthdays are coming up

#

Sister is turning 18 and my brother 22

#

My birthday is still a bit off

#

In October

#

Then I'll be 21

#

Hard to believe im an adult

#

I still feel like im 16

#

When im not

#

Can't wait to have my first Jack Daniel's

#

Gonna love destroying whats left of my liver

#

Tbh I dont really like alcohol

#

Ive had it before and its meh

#

I think I'll stick to vaping and other drugs

#

Im not built to be an alcoholic

#

I hope we go to a buffet for my siblings birthday

#

Its been a while

#

I really wanna go out for once

#

That also reminds me

#

Apparently none of my family has seen me in 3 days except my brother and sister

#

I kinda forgot tbh

#

My mom was like "I haven't seen you in days"

#

And im just like yup

#

I only really see my brother after he gets home from a shift

#

And my sister before she heads to bed

#

Im a night owl now

#

Again

#

I really want some doritos

#

Or some ice cream

#

sigh

#

I wish I would get isekaied

#

That would be something

#

Just not Re:zero 😭

#

Man now I wanna watch more anime

#

Why does that remind me of fentanyl

#

like whatt

#

Man im hungry

#

I really like this song, Innocent by Mitchel Dae

#

Relatable

#

I keep getting umamusame ads on TikTok

#

My friends have all been yapping about it

#

My sister included

#

Its like a sign 😭

quick moat Jul 18, 2025, 10:11 AM

#

I love not being able to sleep

quick moat Jul 18, 2025, 11:07 AM

#

I almost threw up thats nice

#

I am not feeling too well

quick moat Jul 19, 2025, 3:08 AM

#

Going to a buffet tomorrow

#

Thats gonna be nice

#

I haven't seen my dad in over a month

#

I have to get up at 11 though

#

So thats gonna suck

quick moat Jul 19, 2025, 9:38 AM

#

I actually woke up super early

#

I went to sleep at 11pm and woke up at 4am

#

So im gonna be able to go out with my family today 🙂

#

I should be able to stay awake easily

quick moat Jul 23, 2025, 1:35 PM

#

I have been suffering

#

I have barely slept in the last 4 days

#

And it hurts

#

I hardly even remember the last 4 days

#

Feels like I slept through it

#

But im pretty sure my body would disagree

#

Feels like im dying again

#

My head is killing me along with my stomach

#

I really wish I could sleep

#

Everytime I get sleepy I get a random jolt of energy and I just stay awake

#

Literally impossible for me to sleep like a normal person

#

Been on autopilot since Saturday

#

I only "sleep" once I cant keep my eyes open for more than 5 seconds

#

And its only like 4 hours

#

I actually dont remember what the fuck i did to occupy myself

#

Its like I have dementia 😭

#

Not the first time

#

Last time was on my birthday last year and next thing I know i have 115 hours played on new vegas and my playthrough is done

#

Literally dont even remember what ending I got 😭

#

Pisses me off to this day

#

I think i just watched TikTok cause all I can think of is tarkov

quick moat Jul 23, 2025, 6:50 PM

#

Pretending I know what it's like to feel alive~
While I suffocate on every inhibition crowding my mind~ Reaching out for every little hit of dopamine~
Close to me~
Hoping it might~
Take the edge off all around~
Turn my head til~
I have lost what I've found~
Dull the senses~
Ease the pain~
When I've used up every chemical in my brain~

#

Sums up my life pretty well

#

I love Mitchel Dae songs

#

I relate so much

#

Oh and my sister got me a figure

#

Its a Rem figure :)

#

Its supposed to be a gift for my birthday

#

It took like 3 months to get here

#

I think its cute

#

Its my first figure

#

Alot bigger than I thought it was gonna be

#

Idk why but I give it head pats whenever I get bored 😅

#

That reminds me

#

My cat threw up 😭

#

He seems fine

#

But idk

#

Im tired

#

Just been listening to music

#

Only thing that keeps my sanity going

#

Along with the Nic

#

Its fucking hot

#

I hate Florida weather

#

sigh

#

I need friends

#

All my friends are busy or dont wanna do anything

#

Im cooked

quick moat Jul 27, 2025, 7:26 PM

#

Just got drunk at my dad's

#

Was nice

quick moat Jul 30, 2025, 10:28 PM

#

Its my sister's birthday Friday

#

So thats nice

quick moat Jul 31, 2025, 3:41 PM

#

Broke up with my gf

#

Fucking finally

#

Holy shit I was praying for that for weeks

#

Never again am I having a relationship like that ever again

#

Ima kms if that happens again 😑

#

Can't stand girls like that

quick moat Aug 2, 2025, 12:53 AM

#

Sisters birthday was nice

#

Tomorrow im going to the buffet again

#

Can't wait to eat sushi 🤤

quick moat Aug 2, 2025, 7:16 PM

#

Food was awesome

quick moat Aug 6, 2025, 2:04 AM

#

I shaved today and that felt so nice

#

Ive fixed my sleep schedule and thats made me so much happier

#

Feeling like my day starts and ends properly

#

Tbh mostly just happier im not with that shitty person

#

It was so draining

#

Just to get nothing in return

#

My friends I rarely talk to treat me better

#

Excited for the battlefield 6 beta

#

Gonna play that this weekend

#

Still feel kinda lonely

#

But not as bad as before

#

So weird I felt worse in a relationship than out of

#

Usually its the other way around

quick moat Aug 11, 2025, 3:31 PM

#

Battlefield beta was peak

quick moat Aug 14, 2025, 12:07 AM

#

Brothers birthday is Friday

quick moat Aug 21, 2025, 12:14 AM

#

I love being depressed 🫠

quick moat Aug 22, 2025, 7:31 AM

#

I feel broken

#

Again

#

Its getting worse

#

I feel so alone

#Fps' Journal